Roots Before Branches

by Abigail Tyrrell

  “You going to be doing anything for your birthday next weekend?”

  “I’m going out Friday with the girls from work and Simon, we are having dinner first.”

  “Would it be embarrassing for your big brother to join you?” he asked then lowered his voice, “please let me come I am desperate for a beer Charlie.”

  “You can come,” I laughed, “but you better bring me a present.”

  “Sian has made you something actually.”

  “Did she make it out of your curtains?”

  “Oh shut up.”

  There was an unspoken rule in the family that we no longer spoke about my time in France. A couple of months after I had come out of rehab it just weirdly fell in to place, it was clearly something that I didn’t want to talk about and I was surprised at how quickly my family respected that. However, that also meant that we didn’t talk about Ezra. My father had encouraged me when I left the facility to call him, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I had assumed that either my dad or Hildie had passed on that I wouldn’t be going back, to not make any attempt to contact me, because that was it, I never heard from him again. It hurt for a long time, cutting him out like that, but I knew that my pain was nothing in comparison to the abandonment he must have been feeling. I would replay the last conversation we had in my head over and and over until it would reduce me to tears and I longed to be back with him. It had been nine years. I had moved on with my life now, put the attack and everything that stemmed from it behind me. I would sometimes think about Ezra, picture what he was doing now. No doubt he would have met someone else by now, probably lived in a nice little place with him. I didn’t know if he still worked for my aunt but I didn’t think he would still be there. I imagined him teaching French, having a class with all eyes on him, students eager to learn. He would have been a great teacher, I hoped that he made something of himself. I had never loved anyone since Ezra. People had come and gone in my life but none of them lived up to him. Maybe it was unfair for me to even make comparisons. Ezra was my first love, my first everything, and I had this dream that we would end up married one day. I think that was still why I kept his ring on. As a reminded of the promises that we made to each other. I doubt that he would even give me the time of day if I was to see him again, and in all honestly I don’t know what I would say to him other than apologise over and over. It was why I never went back to visit Hildie either, she had taken to coming to London to see us instead. She was still with Victor, but all she did when she visited was complain about him. A few times I had wanted to ask if she still saw Ezra, if she knew if he was well. Those questions never left my mouth no matter how much they danced on the end of my tongue. Nine years without mentioning someone’s name even though they crossed your mind all the time was like torture. I know I could have spoken to Daniel about him, even to the girls at work, but I didn’t want to share my memories with anyone. I would sometimes dream that I was back in our apartment, laying in bed with him while the wind gently blew through the window. I would tell him I loved him and he would tell me that he loved me back. It felt so calm and natural, that when I woke there was a few seconds why I wondered why he wasn’t next to me. Those moments hurt the most.

  There was one man who probably came the closest to Ezra about two years ago, and I still bumped into him on the tube all of the time. He had thick dark brown hair and was tall just like Ez was. We met on a night out and I was surprised that he had called me after that as I was drunk and Summer said I was all over him. He must have seen past my drunken state though as we ended up dating for a year. His name was Ben and he was…nice. He worked for a fashion company, in charge of shooting content for their online shop. He got a lot of free stuff and one of our favourite things to do was have these ridiculous fashion shows at his house, trying on the mountains of garments that he had been gifted. He would come with me to art galleries and would listen contently as I explained what I knew about certain pieces or their artists. I still don’t know if he actually had an interest in art or he just liked to humour me. He told me he loved me when we went for a weekend away in Cornwall. We were down in a little cove and he had just come out with it and took me by surprise. With Ezra, I knew that I loved him, but with Ben I wasn’t so sure. I told him I loved him back more out of politeness than anything, which, looking back on it now, was a cruel thing to do. I don’t think I actually ever loved him, though he was the only one who got close. We broke up because he said I wasn’t emotionally available enough to him. I wasn’t sure what that really meant, but he was adamant that I wouldn’t be able to move past it and he said that it was over. He was the only person who had broke up with me, it was usually me who did the running away. I just couldn’t fit romance into my life. It wasn’t a time factor, it was just not needed. I wasn’t short of hook ups, and with technology a hook up was never far away. It seemed the new normal, just meeting up with strangers, disguising it as a date and then just sleeping together. Neither person had any intention of taking it further or calling back the next day. It was unspoken. It suited me well. I was happy giving my body to someone else, I enjoyed being with other people in that sense. The more they looked like Ezra the better.

  Not that I was picky. Sometimes I would just go online and see who was in the area. It was what I needed some nights and I didn’t have any qualms with admitting that sex was a good outlet for me. There was a couple of men who I met up with regularly. One worked in a bar so was usually about in the early hours of the weekend for me to meet with once he had finished his shift. The other worked at an estate agent and was around more during the week. Neither of them wanted anything more from me than something physical and it worked well for the most part. I didn’t invest my feelings and neither did they. Bar guy put an end to our little fling after a few months due to him finding a boyfriend and I was a bit put out by it but it was just one of those things. I don’t know when I actually decided that relationships were no longer for me, but I just couldn’t imagine myself settling down with anyone. Sometimes I think that I peaked too early with Ezra.

  When I first got out of rehab I went to live with my dad and Joe. Lavender was only a couple of months old and I felt like I was stepping on their toes the whole time. I was terrified of having a relapse, of going out and finding those tablets and washing them down with alcohol. Then I was also scared of having a manic episode, or even a depressive one. Luckily, dad was incredibly supportive and helped me through my worries and ensured I kept taking my lithium as some days I just felt like there was no point. I don’t think I was suicidal, I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to do anything either. They asked me to babysit Lavender one evening while they went for dinner and it was that night that I decided to move on with my life. I knew that my heart would always be in France but my future was here, in England, with my family. The next morning I applied for design jobs in London despite not having any qualifications and to my surprise I got myself an apprenticeship at a small company in Camden. Dad was thrilled for me, Daniel less so. I think he was content having us all in Suffolk and he was worried about me going to London on my own. But I needed to do it, I needed to be my own person for the first time in my life. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.

  I didn’t stay long in Camden, moving onto a different company pretty soon after finishing my apprenticeship that paid more. I was driven by money to start with, London was not a cheap place to live and I no longer wanted to rely on my dad to pay for things for me. It was hard at first, but as I moved myself up the career ladder things got easier and I was able to be more picky with the jobs I was doing. That is how I came to work for Summer and I haven’t looked back since. The pay maybe wasn’t as good as some of my previous jobs, but the work was better than the rest, and I had such freedom creatively that I had nothing to complain about. When dad and Joe also moved to London I felt complete, having my family close and a good job. I knew that Daniel would never move to the capital, but he was content where he was and that was
what mattered. We were finally all at a place where we were happy, even if I had left unresolved things in my past.

  ANDRE

  Simon was a stickler for time keeping. I think it had obviously been drummed into him as a child - to never be late or something bad might happen. I was the opposite. I often found myself running late, missing deadlines, only leaving the house when I was meant to be arriving somewhere. I could tell how much it frustrated Simon and he would give me a stern look whenever I dashed out of the door, a piece of toast in hand, late for work again. Tonight was no different. He had been lingering outside my bedroom door, tapping at it every now and then to ask if I was ready. If he just let me get on with what I was doing I would be ready a lot quicker, but telling him that made no difference. I eventually came out and put my hands on my hips to strike a pose and he shook his head at me.

  “Yes, yes you look great, can we go now?” he asked and was already putting his jacket on.

  “You realise that this is my birthday meal, I can arrive whenever I want,” I huffed and grabbed my jacket as well.

  “Not when we have reservations. Carl’s restaurant books up really quickly, we were lucky he could get us a table,” Simon tutted and I frowned at him.

  “You do realise that he owns the place right? You’re his boyfriend, one of the perks of having a boyfriend who owns a restaurant is that you can go whenever you want.”

  “It doesn’t work like that Charlie.” He gave me a dirty look before opening the door. “Just be grateful that we are all taking you out for dinner.”

  “I am grateful,” I said as I stepped out with him. I meant it too.

  We had to get a tube to get to where the restaurant was and when we got there Summer and Bridie were waiting outside, but there was no sign of Daniel yet. He was traveling to London by train so I knew that was probably

  why he was on the drag.

  “Let’s go in,” Simon said, “we are already late.” He moved past the girls to get into the building and Summer stifled a laugh.

  “Are we late?” Bridie asked me quietly and I shrugged.

  “No, he told us to meet here at seven thirty,” Summer said and looked at her watch. “It is only just gone that now.”

  “Which means we are late,” I said, knowing that was what it meant to Simon. I raised my eyebrows when we got into the place. It was a lot more fancy than I had imagined and I suddenly felt under dressed. I think Bridie felt the same as I saw her shuffling beside me, trying to pull her skirt down a bit to make it look longer.

  “Bloody hell,” Summer said under her breath and nudged me. “Can we even afford to eat here?” she whispered.

  “I’m hoping that we are going to get a discount,” I whispered back but then smiled when I saw Carl approaching us. He went to Simon first and kissed him and then turned to us.

  “Happy birthday Charlie,” he beamed, his whiter than white teeth shining brightly. “Welcome to my restaurant.”

  “Thanks,” I smiled back and decided then I really needed to invest in some teeth whitening toothpaste. “This is really nice.”

  “Come, sit down, I reserved you all a table at the back.” He was dressed in a pristine black suit and his shoes were unbelievably clean.

  “Oh, well, actually we are still waiting for my brother to arrive,” I said and glanced out of the window to see if there was any sign of Daniel yet.

  “Don’t worry, the host will bring him over when he arrives,” Carl said and started to walk away so we had no option but to follow. The table was laid out with several sets of cutlery and three candles sat in the middle, flickering almost in unison.

  “Thank you so much,” Bridie said as we sat down and Carl handed us out the menus. “Do you do vodka?”

  “Er, yes we do,” Carl said, “but to start I will bring over a bottle of champagne, it is on the house.”

  “Wow, thanks Carl,” I said and looked at Simon with a smile as Carl walked away. “Free champagne, I feel honoured.”

  “It would cost an absolute fortune in here,” Summer commented as she looked at the menu. “Oh they do carbonara I love that.”

  “Why is there so much pasta?” Bridie asked and crinkled her nose as she looked at the menu as well.

  “Because this is an Italian restaurant,” Simon scoffed and rolled his eyes at me.

  “But. Carl isn’t Italian?” Bridie said and looked over her menu at us. “He isn’t, is he?”

  “No. He’s not,” I grinned, “he has good chefs though right Simon?”

  “The best,” he nodded.

  “But there is no pizza on the menu,” Bridie said and she was sounding more disappointed by the moment.

  “Yeah. That is weird,” Summer commented as a waiter brought over the champagne and glasses. He popped the cork and it made a satisfying noise and he poured it expertly into each of our glasses.

  “To Charlie.” Bridie smiled at last and we all toasted to me, which made me smile warmly at them all.

  “I’m going to have this squid thing,” Summer said after we had all had a drink and showed me what she was wanting on the menu. “Squid is nice right?”

  “Yeah, it is lovely, the one in the tomato sauce?” Simon asked and Summer nodded.

  “Have you tried everything on the menu?” I smiled at him and it caused him to blush a little.

  “Not everything. But most thing’s. I’m worried that I am going to start putting on weight soon.”

  “Is he a feeder?” Summer asked seriously and Simon pulled a look of disgust at her.

  “No, he’s not,” he said just as seriously.

  “What the hell is a feeder?” Bridie asked and before Summer could answer her Daniel came over to the table, shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders as he walked.

  “So sorry I am late.” He sounded out of breath as he spoke and sat down in the empty chair next to me. “Happy

  Birthday.”

  “It’s okay,” I said and handed him a glass of champagne. “You haven’t missed much.”

  “The train was delayed, then I got off of on the wrong tube stop. I had no signal down in the station to call and see where you were so, yeah,” Daniel explained and I laughed.

  “It’s seriously okay,” I told him, “these things happen.”

  “Then I got a call from dad as soon as I got signal,” he continued even though I thought his story had finished.

  “Oh? He okay? I’ve not heard from him at all today which is weird for my birthday.”

  “He’s been on the phone to Hildie most of the day,” Daniel explained, “it’s Andre, he passed away.” I stared at him, not expecting that news to come out of his mouth.

  “What? When?”

  “Last night, he had been ill for a while, but she is devastated.” As he spoke the others were all looking at us, not sure what to say or do as the mood had been suddenly brought down.

  “I didn’t know he had been ill,” I said, placing my glass down in front of me on the table.

  “He had cancer,” Daniel said sadly, “we didn’t tell you because we didn’t think it would help you knowing.” I cleared my throat after he spoke and had to take a deep breath.

  “Could you not have waited until we had dinner to talk about this?” Summer asked in her usual forward way, “we are meant to be celebrating Charlie’s birthday.”

  “I thought he would want to know. I know he would want to know,” Daniel said back defensively.

  “It’s okay. Look. Let’s still enjoy the meal,” I said and put on a smile, “we can talk about this in the morning, but um, let’s raise another toast,” I raised my glass again and the others followed suit. “To Andre, a real gentleman.”

  “To Andre,” they all said in unison and we sat in silence for a moment before the waiter came to take our orders.

  Daniel didn’t mention Andre for the rest of the night and I drank far too much to attempt to have any kind of serious conversation. We had gone to a club where drag queens were performing and it was the first
time Daniel had been to a place like that. To say he was popular with the men was an understatement and I was actually a little jealous how many attractive guys hit on him. Daniel loved it though, and was happy to have drinks brought for him, and I swear he was actually flirting with a couple of the interested parties. I wasn’t completely ignored though and had one guy, Dale I think he said his name was, giving me attention for most of the time we were there. He was cute, dark red messy hair and freckles printed across his cheeks. If Daniel wasn’t staying at mine that night I would have probably taken him home with me if he wanted to. We ended up making out on the dance floor though and I think a birthday kiss was actually enough for me for the night.

  Summer insisted we get a burger on the way home and Daniel agreed so we queued outside of a burger van for a good fifteen minutes before they got served. By that time Bridie and I also wanted a burger and we paid a ridiculous amount of money for a flat piece of meat in an equally flat bun. I asked for cheese and got half a slice and if I wasn’t being held up by the others at that point I would have probably made a scene about it. It did taste great though. We had to stop for me to be sick at one point and then Summer did a wee in a bush and complained she had got it on her shoes for the rest of the way home. We left Bridie and Summer outside Summer’s apartment and then Daniel and I continued the rest of the way to mine. It was only then that I noticed Simon wasn’t with us but Daniel insisted that he was fine.

  “Do you think I would make a good gay man?” Daniel asked, his arm over my shoulders as be stumbled home

  “Is that a serious question?” I laughed and he burped loudly as some kind of response.

  “Yeah it’s serious!” he exclaimed, voice far too loud for whatever time of the night it was.

  “You would be terrible.”

  “What?! How come?” he asked and seemed offended.

  “Well. You’re not gay for a start. Kind of helps to be gay if you want to be a gay man?”