“Oh yeah. Didn’t think about that,” Daniel hiccuped and then stopped dead in his tracks. “I’m going to be sick.”
“Not here,” I whined, “this is a nice street.”
“Okay,” he nodded and started to walk again, the urge clearly having gone as quickly as it came. “Thanks for letting me stay bro. You’re the best.”
“You can come stay whenever you want.” Sober me would regret saying that if Daniel remembered, knowing that Daniel seemed happier not being at home recently.
“Maybe I should move here.”
“You would hate it here. It’s too busy for you.”
“I would be fine!” he huffed, “you’re crazy and you live here okay.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I may have been drunk but I still didn’t appreciate being called crazy.
“You know. You’ve been in the loony bin.”
“It was rehab,” I snapped, “good to know you think I’m crazy though.”
“Well. You kind of are.”
“Shut up Daniel, you’re being a dick.”
“You’re the dick here,” he scoffed and I started to walk quicker to put some distance between us.
“Yeah how did you figure that?”
“You just are. And you think it’s okay because you’re crazy and you get away with it.”
“Shut up Daniel,” I repeated and I could feel my cheeks starting to flush with anger.
“You can’t take the truth,” he mumbled and I decided not to answer him. I was really glad that even in my less than sober state I had the brains to not argue any more with him. We never had a fight, not really, and I wasn’t about to start falling out with my brother now.
REVISITING
I hated waking up with a hangover, it got worse as I got older and every time I did what most people did and swore to never drink again. I realised that I hadn’t taken my lithium the day before so grabbed myself a large glass of water from the kitchen and took my dose for the day. On my way back to my bedroom I walked past Daniel who was asleep on the sofa, dribble running down his chin. I then passed a pair of very shiny shoes in the hallway and knew immediately that they belonged to Carl. Simon had vanished at one point in the night and I had assumed he had gone to be with Carl but this confirmed it. I scowled at the shoes, he didn’t give us a discount on our meal last night and it cost an absolute fortune. Okay, he gave us champagne, but come on, the guy owned the place. Walking back to my room I passed Simon’s door and listened out for any sign of life. Silence. Good. I went back into my room and pulled the duvet back over my head and slept for a couple more hours.
Daniel woke me up by lumping down down on my bed and I swear he nearly broke my leg the way he landed on it. I cried out and he laughed in response, clearly showing no remorse.
“How much do you weigh?” I groaned and reached for my water and took a big gulp of it.
“I’m all muscle,” he said as he watched me. “God you look awful in the mornings don’t you?”
“I’m hungover leave me alone,” I scowled at him, “how come you look so perky?”
“I didn’t drink nearly as much as you,” he smirked at me, “and I was drinking water between beers last night. I’m a lot smarter than I look.” I made a disapproving sound as I drank more water then placed it back down on the bedside table.
“Good for you,” I commented and rested my head back onto my pillow.
“Look, man, I’m sorry about last night. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I know I was being a right dick to you.”
“Yeah. Well. Truths come out when you get drunk right?” I said a little bitterly and I saw his face fall.
“Charlie. I am really sorry. I’ve been so stressed lately and I took it out on you.”
“Why are you stressed?” I asked, still pissed at him but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he was clearly overwhelmed.
“It’s just life Charlie. It’s hard having a kid and trying to run a business.”
“I understand,” I sighed, “I mean. I don’t. I don’t have a kid or my own business. But I can imagine how stressful it is.”
“Either way, I’m sorry Charlie. I do love you little bro,” he said and I finally smiled at him.
“What time do you have to go home today?” I asked and his expression turned serious.
“I’m staying an extra night with dad. So we can sort out how we are going to help Hildie.”
“What do you have to help Hildie with?” I asked and ran my hand through my hair to get it off of my face.
“Andre’s funeral. He had no family.”
“Oh. Right. Shit.” I think I had deliberately blanked out the news that Daniel had given me last night, or the alcohol had.
“You will come to the funeral won’t you?” Daniel asked carefully and I knew that question was going to be coming.
“Yeah. Of course,” I said without giving it much thought, I knew that I had to be there to say my final goodbyes to him. He meant a lot to all of us. “He really didn’t have any family?”
“No, Hildie said that her and some others were doing shifts in helping to look after him towards the end. The whole town is going to be coming together to celebrate his life.”
“It’s a close town,” I nodded slowly as I processed what he said. “I’m glad that he had people looking after him.”
“Will you come to Dad’s? I know you usually go on a Sunday but I thought that it might be nice as I am here to go together.”
“Yeah. But I need some time to get ready,” I said and stretched my arms above my head with a yawn.
“Sure. I said we would be there at one. That long enough for you?” I looked at the alarm clock beside my bad and sighed before nodding. An hour, not long enough by a mile but I couldn’t stay in bed all day.
“Yeah. Now get out of my room.” I shooed him off of my bed and he left the room with a laugh. I could hear him then talking out in the hallway to Carl and Simon and wished that they would all just vanish so I could deal with my hangover in peace.
It had been a while since Daniel had been to my dad’s and he seemed fidgety on the tube ride there. I don’t know what he had to be nervous about, he had no one to impress and he was with me too. Sometimes there was no explaining Daniel’s behaviour and I often believed that his anxiety could be worse than mine. The tube was no fun with the way I was feeling either. It was hot and people were pressed up against me from all angles and I was sure that some people really had no idea just how bad their body odour was. When we climbed the stairs to the top of the station closer to dad’s we both took a deep breath of the fresh air with relief.
“I don’t know how you Londoners survive on those tubes,” Daniel commented as we started the short walk to where dad’s house was.
“They aren’t always that crowded, but it is the weekend,” I pointed out.
“I don’t know why you just don’t get a car,” he huffed and I let out a laugh.
“Driving in London would be worse than getting on the tube. It is seriously quicker and cheaper.”
“I would rather have a longer journey and be broke,” he mumbled and I shook my head at him. Dad lived in a beautiful town house that must have cost an absolute fortune. It was a beautiful grey colour and had green shrubs lining the front of it which sat behind a black railing. The door was a deep navy blue and had a gold coloured knocker. The door alone probably cost more than a years worth of my wages. We both stood in front of the house for a moment, before we saw Lavender’s face appear at the window and she waved to us excitedly. She ran away from the glass then appeared at the door as it opened and she squealed as we came up the stairs to greet her.
“Hey little sis,” Daniel said fondly and picked her up to hug her. “You are looking lovely today, nice dress.”
“It’s new,” she commented as he put her down and she wrapped her arms around my waist to hug me and I hugged her back.
“You okay?” I asked and she gave a quick nod and then pulled us i
nside the house. Joe came to us then and gave us both a hug, she looked stressed and it wasn’t a familiar thing for Joe to be.
“Your dad is on the phone to Hildie. I haven’t had time to cook lunch, you okay with ordering pizza?” she asked and Lavender clapped her hands in excitement.
“Of course they are!” Lavender said for us and Daniel and I had no choice then but to agree.
We had ordered the pizzas and they had been delivered by the time dad finished on the phone to Hildie and he sat down at the dinner table looking exhausted. I handed him a plate which he took with a tired smile and said his hellos to us. I wasn’t sure why he seemed too exhausted by it, unless Hildie had been non stop on the phone to him all day - which actually seemed to be the case. Hildie was apparently beside herself, not knowing what to do for the best. Andre had made funeral plans, and set aside money to pay for it, but Hildie felt conflicted about it all. From what I understand she wanted to pay for the funeral herself, but the town were insisting that she use the money Andre had set aside. Dad suggested that she donate the money she would have spent on a funeral to charity, and, for now, she seemed happy with that idea.
“I’m going to fly over on Tuesday,” he said as he ate. “She wants the funeral to be next Friday.”
“That’s really soon,” I said and let Joe pour me out some wine even though more alcohol was the opposite of what I wanted. “I don’t know if I will be able to get it off of work.”
“I will,” Daniel said, “Carrie will stay at home with Sian and keep the shop open.”
“Do you think you can come Tuesday?” Dad asked and Daniel nodded.
“Yeah I will come, Carrie will understand, plus I’m guessing an extra pair of hands will be needed.”
“Hildie said that Victor is refusing to help arrange anything,” dad groaned, “that man is impossible.”
“Still a complete twat then,” I said and Joe shot me a look and Lavender laughed. “Oh, sorry. Still a bit of a silly man then,” I winked at Lavender and she winked back at me.
“Do you really think you won’t be able to get the time off of work?” Dad asked and I shrugged.
“I can ask Summer, but I have a lot of clients at the moment and a lot of deadlines.”
“She would understand though, its for a close family friend’s funeral,” Daniel said and I sighed.
“Yeah, well like I said, I will ask her.” I already knew that Summer wouldn’t have a problem with giving me the time off, she would even say I could go Tuesday and take as much time as I needed. But the question was, was Ezra going to be there? I didn’t dare ask and I was scared that if he was then I would have to face him again and I wouldn’t know what to say or do. I could see dad looking at me and I think he knew what I was feeling anxious about, Daniel on the other hand, was completely oblivious.
“Ask if you can come Tuesday,” he said, mouth full of pizza and bits of stringy cheese were sticking to his beard. “It will be nice to go back together.”
“No pressure,” Dad said and offered me a smile. “But, I know you do want to be there for the funeral.”
“I do,” I agreed, “Andre meant a lot to me.”
“He was a lovely guy,” Joe sighed, “he was so warming when I met him, so in love with nature. He showed me around the whole garden you know.”
“He liked showing off his work,” I smiled.
“He was especially proud of the greenhouse,” she said
Fondly, “he told me that him and Ezra spent the whole day making that, said it was one of his best days,” Joe sighed as she recalled the memory and I only paused for a second at the mention of Ezra’s name.
“I remember them building it,” I said quietly then dad quickly changed the subject.
Daniel insisted that I call Summer after lunch to get the time off and I was sure he wanted me to do it in front of him so I couldn’t make any excuses about not going on Tuesday. She said yes straight away and I silently cursed her for being so nice. Daniel was pleased and started planning the trip with dad, booking flight tickets straight away so I didn’t have time to change my mind. Daniel was going to head home and pack things before he left and meet us back in London before the flight. I didn’t know why he seemed to keen to get away and I had a feeling that maybe everything wasn’t running smoothly with him and Carrie. I didn’t ask though - he would tell me if he needed to talk about something. The afternoon slowly turned into evening and before I knew it I was putting my jacket back on to head home and dad was walking me to the door.
“I know that you are nervous,” dad said as I stepped outside and he closed the door behind us to give us some privacy from the others. “About going back.”
“Yeah. Well. The last time I was there I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind,” I said and he let out a heavy breath.
“Do you think going back will cause you any problems?”
“Not if I keep taking my medication.”
“That’s good.”
“Is Ezra still there?” I asked and Dad looked a little surprised that I had brought him up without any prompting.
“He is. He doesn’t work for Hildie anymore, but he is still in the town. He was one of the people who was helping to care for Andre,” he explained and I gave a small nod. Of course he was helping, he would never abandon anyone, not like I did.
“So he will be at the funeral,” I stated.
“Yes. He will.”
“Good. Andre was good to him, I’m glad he helped him and will be showing his respects.” I had to put on a brave face because this was about Andre and not me, and I couldn’t show that I still had conflicted emotions about what happened all those years ago. Dad seemed pleased with my response and hugged me goodbye and we agreed where we would meet on Tuesday morning.
I barely slept that night and when I did my dreams were consumed with memories of France. Images of Andre working in the garden, my study….Ezra. Each time I would wake in a cold sweat and it didn’t feel real that I was going to be heading back there in a matter of days. I was looking forward to seeing aunt Hildie, it had been such a long time and I know that seeing her again would be amazing. Ezra on the other hand, well, I don’t know if he would even talk to me. I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t. If it were the other way around I wouldn’t even want to look at him let alone to talk him. Then it hit me that he might be there with someone, someone who he loved and I would have to meet him and pretend like it was okay. I was going to be there alone. No one loved me and why would they given my terrible history with walking out on people. Ezra would see how horribly lonely I was and that I never actually got over him and I was still that pathetic boy who he once knew. I wondered if he was still in the same apartment, and what job he was doing now if he didn’t work for my aunt. I hated that there was so much stuff that was unknown and I found myself scratching at my arms until the skin broke and they started to bleed. It had been so long since I had done anything like that I felt ashamed of myself for falling back into old habits. I didn’t know what else to do, and alone in my room it was the only release that I had.
GREENHOUSE
We pulled up to Hildie’s house in the rental car my dad had hired and I was surprised at how different it looked. There was no longer a gravel driveway or grass out front, it had all been completely paved with grey bricks that gave it a real dull look on approach. There was no flowers, nothing green to be seen at all and I had a feeling that it was probably Victor’s idea. Dad parked outside and a woman with grey hair stepped outside and it took me a few seconds to realise that it was Hildie. She had aged more than I had imagined, her walk was stooped and she looked incredibly frail. She looked far older than her years and I think it was even a shock to dad to see her like that as he went to her side quickly and she took his arm.
“Charlie,” she said when she looked at me and the wrinkles around her eyes appeared deeper as she smiled. “My goodness, you’re all grown up.”
“It’s good to see you aunt Hildie,” I said and
hugged her and I could feel how thin she was from the embrace.
“You don’t know how much I have missed you Charlie, it felt so empty here without you.”
“I missed you too,” I smiled and she moved onto Daniel as dad and I walked into the house. I was pleased that nothing inside had changed, it looked just as it did the last time I was there roughly nine years ago and the sight nearly brought a tear to my eye. I could hear people conversing in French in the living room and we walked through with Hildie and Daniel following us now. Victor stood by the fireplace, glass of whiskey in hand as he spoke to a woman that I didn’t recognise. He saw us come in and simply nodded to show that he had acknowledged us but made no attempt to come and say hello. I was happy in a way because I still had a distaste for the man and honestly had nothing much to say to him anyway. Hildie did seem a little embarrassed that Victor didn’t approach us and I wanted to ask her then and there why she was still with him. I think both Daniel and dad were thinking the same thing but none of us opened our mouths, other than to pass general small talk.
We spent most of the day helping with funeral arrangements, and it was good to know that so many people planned on being there. Hildie was having the wake at her house and everyone in town was bringing a dish of food to eat. Hildie and Victor argued about having an open casket, it wasn’t really the done thing in England and Hildie still agreed with that but Victor insisted that they have one. I was pleased that she won that argument as I didn’t think I could face seeing Andre laying in a coffin and saying goodbye to him like that. It was late evening by the time I got to go back out of the house to the back gardens and there wasn’t as much of a change out there compared to the front. A large patio had been built which replaced the canopy that used to be there and some of the grass had been replaced with astro turf. I guess it made sense, it was basically maintenance free and I didn’t know if Hildie had hired another gardener or not. I wandered around for a while until I came to the greenhouse and smiled when I saw that it was still standing. It looked like it did when it was first built, though some of the bits of glass looked a bit green from being outside for so long. I let myself inside and the warm air hit me and that familiar smell that only a greenhouse could have invaded my senses. I could see Ezra standing in front of me, placing pots on the shelf again, could feel those butterflies in my stomach again as I pictured his skin against mine. His face was etched into my memory, the concern on his features as I tripped over that garden fork and it pierced my skin. I looked down at the floor, no garden tools were left there now.
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