“Don’t worry, I built a box to store all the tools in.” A familiar voice came from behind me and I knew it was Ezra before I even turned to look at him. When my eyes landed on his I had the urge to run, to get as far away from him as possible, but he was blocking the door. He looked the same, older of course, but his features still retained the beauty that they had nine years ago. He wasn’t as thin as he used to be, he had bulked out in a good way and it gave him a more mature stance, but in turn he was more intimidating too.
“Hi,” he said but he didn’t smile and it appeared he was taking in my appearance as much as I was taking in his.
“Hi,” I said back, and I was pleased that my voice wasn’t trembling.
“I wondered if you would come back,” he said and the statement held so much more meaning than what it appeared.
“Of course,” I said and his eyes narrowed at me and I felt like I did when he first met me, intimidated and small. “I wanted to say goodbye.” I didn’t know if I meant saying goodbye to Andre or to him and it seemed that Ezra didn’t know either because he let his eyes scan down my body slowly before looking me in the face again.
“You look well,” he said.
“So do you.” It felt so horribly formal and I have never hated anything more. This was the man I loved, who knew me better than anyone else, and now we stood in front of each other as complete strangers.
“How is life in London?” he asked and the humid air from the greenhouse was making me sweat and add to just how uncomfortable I was feeling. I don’t think he even really wanted to know how I was getting on in London.
“Good. How is life here?”
“It’s been difficult lately, but after the funeral I am sure everything will return to normal.”
“And what is normal?” I smiled, trying to remain as casual as I could.
“Work, home, friends. Normal.”
“Ah.” I wasn’t sure what response I wanted from him but what he gave wasn’t enough. “You aren’t working for Hildie anymore?”
“No, not for a long time.”
“What do you do now then?”
“I teach at the college.” That was an answer I wasn’t expecting and I couldn’t believe he was doing what I had imagined he would do. He could tell I was surprised and finally gave me a small smile “I teach French.”
“Oh. Makes sense,” I said, “um, well, I should probably get back inside.”
“Done with me already?” he asked and I sighed heavily as I looked at him.
“No. I just don’t know how to approach this,” I said and gestured between us.
“Neither do I. But we have to be around each other. For a few days at least. It’s why I came out here to talk to you, I didn’t think it was a good idea to prolong it.”
“Why are you even here now? The funeral isn’t for a few days,” I asked and felt a sudden frustration that he had invaded the house.
“I brought some food round for Hildie, like I do every week.” He looked just as frustrated as I did and maybe it was me who was actually invading the house.
“Oh.”
“I will leave you to it.” He turned away and I knew I didn’t have the right to reach out to him so I didn’t and let him walk away. The encounter left me shaken. I wanted to go into the house up to my old room but my feet were rooted to the spot. I don’t know how long I actually stood in there, just staring at the space he once possessed, but it started to get dark and I felt a chill from the absence of the sun. It was only then that I managed to will my feet to move and I finally removed myself from the greenhouse. What once felt like a place full of warm memories now felt cold and I had absolutely no intention of going back in there again.
That night dad and Daniel went into town to get a drink, but I opted to stay at home, not ready to face the memories of the town. I took that opportunity to spend some one on one time with Hildie, which was easy as Victor headed to bed at a ridiculously early hour. I was able to take her in properly and felt a genuine concern for her welfare and the thought did cross my mind that she had an illness that she wasn’t telling us about.
“You don’t mind that Ezra is around do you?” she asked as we sipped our tea and I picked up a biscuit from the plate she had put on the coffee table.
“I think you should be asking Ezra if he minds me being around,” I said, feeling that I was the intruder now more than ever. “I’m the one who left, not him.”
“Yes. Well. That was a difficult time for everyone.” She blew on her tea to cool it down after she spoke and I watched the steam disappear into the air.
“Did he ever talk about me?”
“He used to. All the time. He wanted to talk to you,” Hildie said and I had to look down at my own cup of tea because I couldn’t look her in the eye.
“I wanted to talk to him too,” I admitted, “I missed him so much.” It felt like a relief actually talking about what I had refused to face for so many years and Hildie placed her hand on my knee.
“You know, he doesn’t blame you for not coming back,” she said and I felt that lump in my throat that always meant that I was going to cry.
“I never gave him a reason for not coming back.”
“He knew the reason.”
“He did?”
“Of course he did. I know how much he loved you, how much it hurt him to not have you in his life. But because he loved you so much he knew he couldn’t chase you down and bring you back here,” she explained.
“If he had of chased me down I would have come back with him,” I said and she then brought her hand to my hair and brushed it back from my face.
“I think he knows that too. Your father tells me you have been thriving in London, in all ways. I don’t think you would have been able to flourish in the same way here given what happened to you.” Her voice sounded so wise and gentle and I wanted to record it, to keep it with me forever.
“I haven’t been able to talk about any of this you know. After rehab I just locked it away and I was so scared to bring it all back up again. Which didn’t prepare me at all for seeing Ezra today.”
“I think he was just as nervous about seeing you too, if that is any help at all,” she smiled.
“Maybe a little,” I smiled back, feeling a bit more relaxed. “But not much.”
“I should probably tell you that he is married.” The words hit me just as hard as Henry did back in that classroom and it knocked the air out of me. Hildie looked at me with worry and I had to snap myself out of the momentary state of shock I was in.
“Married,” I repeated and she nodded. “To who?”
“His name is Luis. He works in the bakery in town, you might not know it actually, was there a bakery when you were here?”
“No. There was no bakery,” I said blankly and she looked at me awkwardly. Even if I knew the bakery I didn’t want to talk about his stupid bakery.
“Well. He will also be at the funeral, he was friendly with Andre given how close Ezra was to him.”
“Makes sense,” I said and put my cup of tea down. “I’m going to head to bed, it’s been a really long day.”
“You know where your room is,” she smiled as I stood up and I leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Sleep well Charlie.”
“You too auntie.”
Being in my old room was like sleeping in a room full of ghosts. The sheets still smelt of lemons, Hildie clearly hadn’t changed her washing powder in all that time. In some ways I could have been eighteen again, because nothing had changed, and it was actually like torture being in there. This was the bed that I lost my virginity in. Where Ezra and I made love for the first time. Where he sat with me or hours just reading to me when I was ill. This is where he gave me my promise ring and I looked down at it on my finger and I took it off for the first time in years. I had a tan line from where it was and I ran my finger over the paler band of skin. It seemed a bit silly now, that I had worn it since he gave it to me. What had I expected? That the promises made with th
e ring would still count after everything that happened? It made perfect sense that he would have found someone who was nice and didn’t treat him like he was nothing. I wondered if it had been Ezra who proposed or this Luis guy. I hoped that it was Luis because the idea of Ezra giving a ring to someone else made me feel sick. Though he still must have put a wedding ring on Luis’ finger and in a way that was worse. I felt bad for feeling so bitter, because, clearly Ezra was happy and that was all that I wanted for him. It just hurt that I only now realised that I was never going to move on from Ezra because I was always going to be waiting for him to find me again.
CLOSURE
It was inspiring just how many people came to visit during the week, all offering help in one way or another, but in all honesty we had everything pretty much covered for the funeral. I didn’t see Ezra since seeing him in the greenhouse and it gave me time to get used to the idea of him being married to someone else before having to see that beautiful face of his again. The morning of the funeral people from the town dropped off various plates of food before returning home to get ready. Given Andre’s fondness of nature and gardens, we decided to not have any flowers at the church. It may have sounded a bit strange, but we all knew that he wouldn’t want anything being cut down for him, and would much rather they continue blooming somewhere. Getting into a suit felt strange, I hadn’t worn one for a very long time and it looked a little baggy on me, but I wasn’t going to be the centre of attention so it didn’t really matter. I hate funerals, not that anyone could say that they particularly enjoy them, but I just hated that they were meant to be the final goodbye. That after that you were meant to move on and put that person to rest. I knew that none of us would ever forget about Andre, so really, the funeral was just a part of his story, it wasn’t the end.
We were seated at the front of the church, I had wanted to help carry the coffin but there were others who were deemed more suitable so I stood and watched as he was walked past us. I smiled at the coffin, which would sound weird normally but it was green with yellow flowers painted onto it. Typical Andre. As far as I could tell it was a beautiful ceremony. It had been a long time since I had last spoke French so I was more than a little rusty, but I picked up most of it, and the bits I didn’t I managed to follow along by the emotions of the other people surrounding me. I could feel the love resonating in the small tin church and it was incredibly touching just how much everyone cared about Andre. When the service had finished we piled out of the church and everyone got into various cars to head back to Hildie’s. I was a bit anxious about having so many people in the house, and apparently Victor was too because he grumbled in his low tone the whole way back. It seemed that he was never happy.
I think that the overwhelming feeling carried over to my dad and Daniel as we all seemed a little dazed when we got back to the house. There was so many people and bustling around and we didn’t know hardly any of them. Everyone seemed to be making themselves at home though and there were people in every room of the house. I did wonder if people had gone upstairs as well, and at one point I did see a few people climbing the stairs and it seemed so odd to me that they were exploring someone else’s house at a wake.
Daniel and I made sure that there was plenty of drinks for everyone and that the food was unwrapped for all of the guests. There was easily over one hundred people there, not all of them were even at the church. I had spotted Ezra talking with some people at one point, but didn’t see anyone else with him. I hadn’t mentioned to dad or Daniel that he was married now, I guessed that they already knew and were still trying to keep it from me in a way to protect me. I was standing with Daniel when a man approached us, he was tall, smart looking, blonde hair slicked back. He had large round black glasses that reminded me a little of a university professor.
“Hello,” he said with a French accent and pushed his glasses further up his nose. “You must be Hildie’s nephews.”
“How can you tell?” Daniel smiled and the man smiled back.
“There is photos of you both in the house,” he said and lifted his glass to point to one of the walls where Hildie had hung pictures of us all. “I put two and two together.”
“I’ve never noticed those pictures until now,” Daniel said as he looked at the wall and then back at the man. “But yeah, I’m Daniel, and this is Charlie,” he said and nudged
me with his elbow and I scowled at him.
“Nice to meet you both,” he smiled, “I am Luis.” The name felt like an insult and I looked at him in a completely different way.
“How did you know Andre?” Daniel asked, oblivious to my shift in mood towards the man.
“Him and my husband were very good friends,” he explained and I could see that he was looking at me in pretty much the same way I was looking at him. “You know him actually, Ezra, he’s with your aunt at the moment.”
“Oh. Oh!” Daniel said as he realised who he was and then looked at me with panic in his eyes.
“I’m really glad that Andre and Ezra remained close friends,” I said, “they always got on so well.”
“Yes, Ezra has many stories about him. You too, actually.” I could sense Daniel edging his way out of the conversation and heard his sigh of relief when a woman started to chat to him. Traitor.
“He has stories about me?”
“Yes. You drew his portrait,” he smiled, “and we have a picture you painted up in our apartment, of the view outside of the window.”
“You still have that?” I asked and my voice became quieter, “I thought he would have got rid of it.”
“It is a beautiful painting,” he said genuinely, “why on earth would he get rid of it? You are incredibly talented.”
“I guess he hasn’t told you much about me if you don’t know why he would get rid of it,” I said and Luis gave me a thoughtful look.
“He told me everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yes,” he nodded, “I hope you don’t think I am out of place saying this. But what happened to you was terrible, I am sorry you had to go through that.” I didn’t know what to say as he spoke and felt a huge wave of emotion getting comfort from someone only moments before I had not wanted to ever meet.
“That was a long time ago,” was the only thing I could think to say and I could see some kind of pity in Luis’ eyes.
“Ezra talks very fondly of you, I know how much he
loved you, and you him.” It felt surreal talking to him about his husband like that but in one way it also felt natural. “I want you to know that I never tried to take your place.”
“Why are you explaining this to me?” I asked, confused at why he was sounding so apologetic.
“Because Ezra made it clear from the start that he could never love anyone like he loved you. I didn’t want to compete with a memory so I didn’t. But I do love Ezra, more than anything. I guess this is just me telling you that I won’t ever let him get hurt. I suppose…I am seeking your blessing.”
“My blessing?” I frowned and Luis seemed a bit conflicted himself.
“I think he will always belong to you until you let him go.”
“But I have let him go. He is married to you.”
“Have you though?” He looked like he was getting close to tears and I have no idea where it came from but I stepped closer to him and hugged him. He felt tense in my arms for a moment and then relaxed and I felt his arms move to hug me back then we stepped away from each other and stood silent for a moment.
“I left because I didn’t have it in me to be what Ezra needed. I was a mess. I was scared to come back and fall into that again and I didn’t want to drag him down with me,” I told him, “that was me letting him go.”
“I never imagined you to be like this.”
“Like what?”
“Kind,” he said and looked guilty as he said it. “I knew that one day you would come back in one way or another and I guess I expected you take him away from me.”
“I am no threat
to you,” I managed to say before Ezra came over and stood beside Luis and gently put his arm around his lower back.
“I see you two have met,” Ezra said and he looked between us, sensing that something serious had been spoken about.
“Can I talk to you? In private?” I asked him and he looked to Luis who gave him a nod of approval.
“Okay,” Ezra said and I looked back to Luis.
“It was really nice to meet you Luis,” I smiled and he gave me a warm smile back.
I took Ezra to the room that used to be my study but now only had a small sofa in and some boxes. He sat down before I did and looked at me expectantly as I lingered by the door.
“Do you remember this room?” I asked him and he nodded without needing to look around it again.
“Your study.”
“Yes.”
“How could I forget?”
“I sometimes wonder if everything that happened back then really did happen or if I had imagined it,” I said and sat down beside him.
“The study happened, it was where we had our first kiss.”
“So I didn’t imagine that then?” I smiled sadly and Ezra shook his head.
“No. You didn’t.”
“Luis is really lovely you know. You are very lucky to have met someone like him.” I knew Ezra didn’t need me to tell him what I thought of his husband, but I wanted him to know that I was happy he had found someone so nice. “He’s handsome.”
“He is,” he agreed, “and he can cook.”
“That’s why you married him,” I laughed quietly and so did Ezra.
Roots Before Branches Page 18