“I suppose that is one of the reasons.”
“You still live in the apartment, he said you still have the picture up.”
“We do still have the apartment,” he hummed, “but we don’t live there. I use it as a space for private tutoring. We have a house just outside of the town now. It has a nice garden. You should come see it one day, I’m sure Luis would be happy to have you over for dinner.”
“That would be nice. I will take you up on that next time I am here.”
“Don’t let it be nine years again before you come back?” He looked at me and his face seemed so perfect, I wanted to reach out and touch his skin, but it wasn’t mine
to touch anymore.
“I won’t.”
“Do you actually mean that?”
“I do. I’ve done it now. I’ve overcome the fear I had of coming back. Plus I think Hildie needs more support now she had got older.”
“She does,” Ezra commented, “I try to do what I can for her but Victor really doesn’t like her having guests.”
“Well, he is going to have to accept her having family coming and seeing her much more often now.” We sat in silence together for a few minutes, it was comfortable though and I would once day cherish those quiet moments that we shared. “How did you meet Luis then?”
“He owns the bakery in town. He opened it with his Father a few years back. They make these amazing pastries with raisins in,” he explained, “and I kept going in for them and we just started talking.”
“You fell in love over raisin pastries?”
“I guess you could say that,” he nodded, “I would order boxes of them to take to work with me when I was still working with Andre. We would eat dozens of them every week. I’m surprised I didn’t get fat.”
“Do you still eat dozens a week now?” I smiled.
“No, I have two on a Saturday morning for breakfast. But that’s it. I am banned from them any other time. I do sometimes get any that they don’t sell at the end of the day though.”
“That’s nice, you seem really happy.”
“Are you happy?” he asked back and I gave a laugh.
“You know what? I am.”
“That’s good Charlie.”
“I have a really good job and some amazing friends.” I continued and I could tell that he was really pleased for me from just his expression.
“What about a boyfriend?”
“No,” I gave him a pointed look. “Not many men around who have lived up to my memory of you. I think I am a little hard to be with as well.”
“Why do you think that?” he frowned.
“No one stays. I don’t even want them to stay. I think I
like being on my own.”
“Do you want to be alone forever?”
“No,” I said straight away, “but I’m not sure if I am worth loving.”
“You really are, it is time to begin looking at things differently.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged and Ezra placed his hand on my knee and it gave me goosebumps.
“For what it is worth, I think that anyone who you are with is extremely lucky. A lot of time has passed since we were together but I still see the wonderful person I fell in love with sitting beside me. Don’t ever think that you are not good enough Charlie,” he said softly.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to be so nice to me.”
“I have no reason to not be nice to you.”
“Yeah. You do,” I spoke seriously and he moved his hand away from me.
“Charlie. Stop doing this to yourself.”
“I never stopped loving you. I want you to know that,” I said quickly, “that wasn’t the reason I left.”
“I know.” He let out a soft breath as he looked at me and how I wished that we were in the same position we were nine years ago and he could lean forward and kiss me like he used to.
“I will let you get back to your husband,” I said after a moment, “I think I have stolen you away for long enough.” Ezra looked like he was about to say something but decided against it and stood up.
“See you out there,” he nodded and turned and I kept sitting as I watched him leave the room.
BEGIN
I made sure that I returned to France every year after that right up until Hildie passed away. Victor had died the year before her and she lived her last year in the freedom she had enjoyed before he had made the permanent move into her life. It was wonderful to see her so vibrant again and the week before she passed away she called me to say she was happier than she had ever been, and she was ready now to go be with Gabriel again. The words brought tears to my eyes, and when we got word that she had passed away in her sleep I felt a sense of happiness for her. She was with her first love again, which I think she had been waiting for all her life. Her funeral was just was beautiful as Andre’s and afterwards the whole family stayed at her house to sort through her things. I never knew that she kept so many of my drawings and she even had a few framed in her bedroom right up until the day she died. She also kept a diary in the drawer beside her bed, which I decided to keep, but never read it, promising her that her secrets would remain and I would look after them for her. It was bitter sweet when the house went up for sale, it had been such a huge part of my life and it held all of Hildie’s memories, but, for my dad, it was time to move on. He was no longer a young man himself, his hair thinning by the day. I decided to stay in France to help with the sale given that I still had no special someone to go home to. Part of me debated buying the house myself, but I could just see myself growing old and rattling around the house alone and most likely gaining an unhealthy amount of cats to live with me.
I always met up with Ezra and Luis when I visited Hildie, even if it was for a very quick coffee and catch up, it felt nice to touch base with them both. I always felt welcomed by Luis too, and I think that he really did no longer see me as some kind of wall in their relationship. They seemed so content in their life together and I was sure that nothing would tear them apart. Because of that I was so surprised when Ezra turned up without Luis one day to view the house and I looked at him like he was crazy which brought a grin to his lips.
“You’re not seriously thinking about buying this place?” I asked when the estate agent left and I said it was okay for Ezra to stay.
“I am actually hoping to put an offer in tomorrow,” he said and I raised an eyebrow at him, surprised that he could afford it.
“You don’t think the asking price is too high?” I asked tactfully and he shook his head no.
“It is actually very reasonable for the area.”
“And Luis is okay with you viewing on your own?”
“Actually, it would just be me buying this, if you accept my offer.” I cocked my head to the side after he spoke and frowned a little.
“Why? You’re married surely you would own it together?”
“Not married for much longer,” he said it so bluntly I wasn’t sure if he was even telling the truth, but the look he gave me told me that he wasn’t joking.
“You are separating?”
“Yes,” Ezra nodded and I couldn’t help how surprised I was.
“But why? You seemed so happy together.”
“It turns out that someone else made him happier.” I blinked slowly as he said that and couldn’t believe that anyone could ever be unfaithful to him, least of all Luis.
“Shit, Ez, I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” he smiled, “he was very honest with me, I wouldn’t want him to stay with me and be unhappy.” I thought then about when Luis had told me a few years earlier that he would never hurt Ezra, maybe his honesty about the situation stopped him from really hurting him.
“He didn’t go behind your back then?”
“No, he spoke to me before anything happened. It was a bit of a shock I must admit, but, I admire him for doing what was right in his heart and not betraying me in the
process.”
“You are a better man than
me,” I said, “I would have been furious either way, and I would have cried, a lot.”
“Oh there were tears,” Ezra smiled, “but, seriously, I have learned that there are some things that I cannot change. His feeling’s could not be changed. That’s okay.”
“So. You will live here alone?”
“That’s the plan,” he nodded, “like I said, expect a call tomorrow with my offer.”
“I look forward to it.”
Ezra made a bit of a low ball offer but I had to admire his spirit, and after discussing it with my dad and Daniel we decided to accept it - wanting the house to go to someone who would appreciate it, even if the price wasn’t exactly what we had in mind. I didn’t tell them that Ezra was in the process of a divorce and they both just assumed that it was going to be a family home for him and Luis, maybe they would even adopt a child into the family one day, the house was plenty big enough for it. It was as if everything was tying up nicely for everyone, even if Ezra was now alone, I knew he would find happiness in whatever he did next. It was time for me to finally say goodbye to the house, to the town, to France. I knew that once I packed up this time I wouldn’t return. I wandered around the house, peering into each empty room and recalling memories from all of them. The walls were now bare, the wallpaper showing how discoloured it was from where pictures once hung, leaving behind pristine blocks of what the walls once were. The furniture had been removed and I could hear my foot steps as they echoed on the wooden floorboards. Part of me expected Hildie to walk in the front door, arms full of groceries and mouth pouring out stories of the people she had encountered in the town. If I walked outside I would see Andre working with Ezra, the hot sun beating down on them as they both went about whatever it was Hildie wanted them to do that day. I could even picture Victor sitting in his arm chair beside the fire, licking his fingers before turning the pages of his newspaper. It felt so right that Ezra was going to be living there, that at least one of them would be seen in those rooms again and tending to the plants out
in the garden.
I locked the door for the final time and stepped back to look at the impressive building and took a deep breath. It seemed surreal that I used to run around there as a child, fell in love as a teenager and realised that I needed to finally grow up there when I was a man. So much was held in those walls and I no longer felt a dread at thinking of those memories. All of the bad that Henry brought into my life had been turned into a massive learning curve and I had emerged from it stronger that I ever thought that I could.
“Saying goodbye?” I looked over my shoulder to see Ezra and gave him a teary smile.
“It’s really hard,” I said as he came to stand by my side. “I feel like I am leaving a huge chunk of my life behind.”
“You can always come back and visit,” he suggested and I knew that he was going to say something like that.
“I don’t think that I will,” I admitted honestly and I felt him take my hand in his as we both looked at the house “Coming back would be even harder to say goodbye again.”
“Then don’t look at it as goodbye.” He squeezed my hand as we spoke and there were still so many unspoken thing’s hanging in the air between us.
“What should I look at it as then?” I asked and he took a few seconds to answer.
“Look at it as a ‘see you soon’. I don’t think I can say goodbye to you properly again.”
“I don’t think we have ever said goodbye properly have we?” I laughed and I looked at his face to see a smile on his lips.
“Not properly. I don’t want to break the habit of a lifetime.”
“I don’t think I want to either.”
“I’m going to say something really crazy,” he announced and let go of my hand and turned me gently to face him.
“What?” I asked and at that point literally anything could come out of his mouth and I didn’t know if I would find it crazy or surprising at all.
“Don’t go back. This time, stay.” I could see the hope in his eyes and I stuttered over my words before anything came out.
“W-what?” I asked and frowned. “Stay. Here. With you?”
“I know, it makes no sense,” he laughed, “but when has anything with us really made that much sense?”
“You’re going through a divorce,” I pointed out, “how would this even work?”
“I’m not saying we have a relationship. I am going through a divorce, you’re right, I don’t want to rush into anything. But this feels right doesn’t it?” The question felt incredibly full on, but I couldn’t deny I had been waiting for it for many years now.
“It does,” I nodded and he cupped my cheeks in his hands like he used to and I looked at his lips before he brought them to mine. The feeling of him kissing me felt just as good as it had the first time, both of us older now, wiser, so much behind us. I wanted to kick myself for wasting all those years, for missing out on the life I could have had with him. In a way I think we both needed to be apart, for him to experience an unselfish side of love with Luis, to have normality with someone. I needed to grow on my own, to experience life away from him to realise that I didn’t need to be so dependent.
“I never stopped loving you,” he said, “never.”
“I tried,” I said as we pulled apart, “I convinced myself that I had. But I didn’t, no one could ever come close to you.”
“Will you stay?”
“I don’t know if I can.” I saw the sadness appear on his face and quickly continued to speak to explain myself. “Not right now. I have thing’s to sort at home, like my house, job, family…but it won’t be goodbye. Just a see you soon.”
“Do you promise Charlie?”
“I promise.”
ALWAYS
Every summer Ezra went out to the garden and made everything perfect for when my family would arrive to stay with us for their holidays. We had built the canopy again and added a gorgeous seating area that allowed us all to sit out late into the humid evenings, eating and drinking to the warm glow of candlelight. The house had changed with the years, both of us getting stuck in and decorating here and there to make it more to our own taste. The only room that was left untouched was Hildie’s, we kept that exactly how she liked it. Ezra didn’t have to work during the summer as he was still teaching at the college and classes finished for a few weeks, which meant he dedicated himself to work around the house. I worked from home, still for Summer and the clients in London, which meant we could enjoy as much time together as we could. I would take my laptop outside (now that we had the privilege of internet in the house) and would work while he tended to the plants in the garden like he used to. I was sure that he got more handsome with age, if that was even possible. He was starting to go slightly grey, and any stubble he had would be the same colour. I guess you could say the same for me, especially as I liked to have a bit of facial hair, unlike Ezra who shaved every day. We both now showed that we were no longer as young as we once were from the way our skin had changed, no longer as tight and bright as it used to be. I think Ezra knew how I worried, would still look at myself in the mirror inspecting each new line with concern. It was those times that he would kiss me, press his lips to every inch of skin that was exposed and tell me how much he loved me.
There were still days when his words were not enough and I would feel myself slipping, but he was always there to steady me and not once did I fall of the edge again. I don’t know what I did right in my life to deserve Ezra, but I found myself looking at him every day and thinking just how lucky I was. Things could have been so different on so many levels. I still believed that Ezra picked up each loose strand of my life and somehow managed to weave them all back together so we ended up with us back at the end together.
The family would all arrive together, two cars following each other as they approached and I would always grab Ezra and race to the front door so we could be standing there to greet them. Daniel and Carrie would always step out of their car first, looking like
they were both about to have a nervous breakdown, followed by their three children. When Sian was ten Carrie fell pregnant with twins, identical girls that they called Jane and Fiona. Each time I saw them Daniel looked like he had lost more hair and this year he was actually bald. He hugged me when I went to meet them and slumped a bit in my arms and I gave a laugh.
“Help me,” he whispered, “I’m so outnumbered it is not even funny.”
“You are a very lucky man to be surrounded by four beautiful women,” I told him and he gave a reluctant nod.
“I guess you’re right. They are all bleeding me dry though, I don’t think I even remember what money looks like.”
“Hey-” Carrie said as she approached and hit his arm. “We don’t spend that much.”
“You spend enough,” Daniel commented and she tutted at him then pulled me into a hug, then did the same to Ezra.
“You two married yet?” she asked like she did every summer and we both shook out heads with a smile.
“Not yet,” I said and Ezra raised an eyebrow at me then laughed. “What are you laughing at? Don’t you think it is time you made an honest man out of me?”
“I still want to be a bridesmaid,” Lavender called over to us from their car then ran up and hugged me happily. “You will let me bridesmaid won’t you big bro?”
“All right calm down, you’ve all only been here a minute and we are getting the third degree,” Ezra smirked but his smile faded when he saw Joe helping my dad out of the car and he went over to help them.
This year dad was even worse than the last, not knowing who I was or even recalling any memories of the house. Dementia had set in early for him and I could see how heartbreaking it was for Joe and Lavender to be living with it on a day to day basis. I saw them staying with us as a relief for them both, even more so for Joe as Lavender was going to be leaving home for University in September. I would watch Joe sit with dad for hours, telling him about their life, wanting some kind of recollection from him. Every now and then you would see a flicker or memory pass over his face and they would both smile at each other and he would lean over and kiss her. I would take time to sit with dad too, usually in the evenings when everyone had moved inside so it was just me and him still in the garden together.
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