Roots Before Branches

by Abigail Tyrrell

  “Did you enjoy dinner dad?” I asked one evening and he looked at me with a cloudy expression.

  “Did you cook dinner?” he asked and I shook my head at him.

  “No, Joe did, your wife,” he nodded back at me but I could see him trying to place something in his head but he couldn’t quite get there.

  “Is this your garden?”

  “Yes, nice isn’t it?” I smiled and he smiled back at me.

  “Very nice. I used to have a big garden like this when I was a kid. My mum liked to grow tulips.”

  “Did she?” I asked, always liking to hear about the only memories he could recall which seemed to be from his childhood.

  “My sister used to help her pick them and would put them inside in a vase,” he continued, “I should probably take mum some flowers next time I see her.”

  “I am sure she would love that,” I agreed, never feeling the need to correct him and cause unnecessary upset.

  “Do you visit your parents?”

  “Not mum…” I said and gave him a sad smile. “I like visiting you though dad,” I told him and he looked at me for a moment before a tear came to his eye.

  “You are my son?”

  “Yes, it’s me, Charlie.”

  “I didn’t know I had a son.” Dad blinked and a couple of tears rolled down his cheeks but he looked happy rather than upset.

  “You have me, Daniel and Lavender. And we all think that you are the best dad ever.”

  “I always wanted children you know,” he said, “are you happy?”

  “Yes, dad, very happy.”

  “I am happy too.”

  “Is dad allowed to drink wine?” Daniel asked the next day and Joe shook her head which made Daniel huff and roll his eyes at me. I understood his frustration, he wanted dad to enjoy whatever he could these days, but Joe was on a health kick and monitored everything that dad consumed with a very strict eye. I guessed she knew a lot more about his medication and needs than we did, but I still felt a little mean not letting dad enjoy the things he used to.

  “What about coffee?” I asked and went to put some on but Joe shook her head again. “Really? What’s wrong with coffee?”

  “It makes him snappy,” she sighed and Daniel shrugged at me.

  “Orange juice?” I asked and she thought about it for a moment then nodded. “Great, Ezra made some fresh juice this morning I will get him a glass.” There was something about the atmosphere of this trip that we kind of knew that this would be the last time dad would come out to France. He was deteriorating by the day and all we could hope for was that he went peacefully in his sleep. None of us wanted him to end up in a home when it came too much for Joe to care for him on his own, I know that wasn’t what dad would want.

  “Let me take it to him,” Ezra said, picking up the end of the conversation as he came into the kitchen and placed a kiss on the back of my neck. “Please?”

  “Sure,” I smiled and handed him the glass once I had poured some out. “There’s some muffins on the side, take him one of those as well, they’re blueberry, he likes those.” I saw Joe about to protest the muffin but then she stopped herself and put one on a plate and handed it to Ezra.

  That night in bed we slept with the balcony door open. We had chose my old room to be our master bedroom after much discussion and neither of us could imagine having any other room in the house as our bedroom. It was also the only room with a balcony and it felt nice having it open in the warm nights and feeling the breeze sweep over us as we slept. Ezra always kissed me goodnight and we would usually make love most nights if we weren’t too tired from the day. Gone were the days when we first moved into Hildie’s house together and there was an awkwardness surrounding sleeping arrangements and how intimate we wanted to be. Neither of us wanted to rush into anything in case, after all those years, it didn’t feel right. I think we were both relieved when we realised that we slipped back into a beautiful pattern together without putting any pressure on the relationship. He felt like an extension of me now, that our bodies were so used to each other that I knew him just as well as I knew myself.

  “Do you remember when I have you that promise ring?” he whispered to me between kisses that night and I laughed against his lips softly.

  “Yes. I still have it.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course, I could never get rid of it. I actually wore it up until I found out that you were married.”

  “That’s…wow I didn’t know that.”

  “Kind of felt like an idiot wearing it all those years without knowing you had actually married someone,” I smiled and Ezra kissed the tip of my nose.

  “You didn’t need to feel like an idiot,” he said and I definitely thought otherwise.

  “Well I did,” I grinned.

  “Do you know where the ring is?”

  “Yeah, it’s in a box in my drawer over there.” I moved my head in the direction of the chest of drawers in the corner of the room and Ezra moved away from me and got out of bed. He went to the top drawer which I had claimed as my own and looked through until he found the wooden box he had put the ring in before when I was just eighteen. He opened it and I could see him smile and he pulled out the ring.

  “I think it is time you put it back on,” he said and I sat up in bed as he climbed back in and sat beside me. “I spoke to your dad earlier.”

  “What about?”

  “You.”

  “That must have been a very challenging conversation.”

  “A little. But we got to where we needed to be in the end.” He looked back down at the ring in his hand. “I told him that he had an amazing son who I loved very much. I asked him if I could propose to you and do you know what he said?” He looked back at me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe let alone answer so I just shook my head no. “He said as long as I promised not to ever hurt you. So I made that promise, and he gave me his blessing.”

  “He did?” I spoke quietly, scared to speak too loudly and break the moment between us. Ezra nodded and took my hand into his.

  “This is no longer a promise ring. It served that purpose but now it has another purpose. Will you marry me?”

  “Yes,” I said straight away and kissed him. “Yes, yes, yes.”

  “Thank God,” he murmured and placed the ring back on my finger and I was surprised that it still fit.

  “You thought I might say no?”

  “No, I just, it’s a big question,” he laughed and we kissed again. “I’ve never felt that nervous before, my mouth has gone dry.”

  “You want me to get you some water?”

  “Would you mind?”

  “Not at all.” I narrowed my eyes at him then. “You will be here when I get back won’t you?” I asked which caused him to laugh again.

  “I will be here.”

  “Always?”

  “Always.”

  AUTUMN

  We got married in Autumn at the local red tin church. We had no guests, just who was needed to make it official and sign off paperwork. At that point, it was just between us, how we wanted it. I was surprised that Lavender didn’t get upset with me when I told her what we had done, expecting a full blown meltdown at not being able to be a bridesmaid. Instead, she cried happy tears down the phone to me and even Daniel did the same. I don’t think Joe told my dad, I understood why, knowing it would only raise more questions for him than giving him any clarity. When we returned home after the ceremony, everything still felt the same. I was still Charlie and he was still Ezra, only now we had joined our last names together. Ezra had originally said he wanted to take my last name, but…I think it felt better putting them together. A couple of weeks after the wedding we received some post from my family, cards of congratulations and Daniel posted us a package that contained a book about how to survive a marriage and Carrie had put in a pack of strawberry flavoured condoms. Ezra had actually sat and read the book and I wasn’t sure if I was meant to find that worrying or not, but what he took f
rom it was this: don’t ever go to bed without a hug. So we never did.

  It was only a few days after getting the cards and package that another letter arrived that was only addressed to me. It had clear tape wrapped around it several times and I had to use a pair of scissors to open it. Inside was several A4 pages, all filled with handwritten words and behind those were some photos. I didn’t recognise the handwriting and my first thought went to Henry, but no, the writing was too feminine. I looked down at the photographs in my hand then and immediately recognised myself and Daniel in them as children. There was another photo of my dad with us and then the last we were sitting with a woman. My mother. My eyes returned to the last page of writing and the name signed off on the end was Tabitha. The letter was from my mum. My thoughts then went to how she knew where I was, had dad told her when he was still clear thinking? Maybe Daniel? The most logical answer was dad, because Daniel would have definitely run something like that by me, and dad…well…who knows. There was no date on the letter, no return address, so no more clues could be taken from it.

  I didn’t read the letter for a few days, I told Ezra about it but asked him not to read it either. It sat on our coffee table but became a giant elephant in the room to the point where I stopped sitting in there altogether. I had thought about calling Daniel and asking him about it, but at the same time, mum was never a good subject for him and I was scared that if he hadn’t received a letter as well he would feel all the rejection again that he felt when she left us. It was Ezra who brought the letter to me one evening while I sat outside, taking advantage of one of the last few warmer evenings until the autumn settled into winter.

  “I think you need to read this, or get rid of it,” Ezra said and I knew he was right. What good would it do me just sitting on the table, one way or another I had to make a decision. I took the envelope from him and carefully took the pages out again and Ezra came to sit beside me. He was close enough to read it as well if I asked him to, but also in the position to give me privacy if I needed it.

  The first few paragraphs didn’t make much sense, I could tell she was writing during a manic episode because the words were jumbled and scruffy, like she was trying to get out more information than she could process. I read it out loud to Ezra but he couldn’t get a grasp on it either and it made me feel sad that the rest of the letter could be the same. But it wasn’t. The ink changed. A new day, week or maybe even month. She started writing with clarity and it broke my heart.

  I’m sorry my darling. My words to you haunt me even to this day and I would give anything to take them back. I saw me in you. It scared me. I never hated you I only hated myself and I could not see past any of our similarities. I hope that you have not suffered like I have. I hope that you have been able to live a normal happy life and had so many adventures. I also hope that you can forgive those memories of me. I was never a mother to you and you deserved more. Never settle for less Charlie because you are worth more than that. We never bonded. I never allowed that. It is my biggest regret. I should have got to know you, I would love to see the man that you have become. I gave Daniel love and you needed it too. I’m so sorry.

  After that, the rest descended into hateful remarks, ramblings of her despair and anger at how her life had turned out. I couldn’t bring myself to read more and put it back into the envelope and handed it back to Ezra. She clearly was no better than what she was when she left and it terrified me to think she was living her life so out of control. She couldn’t have been okay when she sent this. If she was in a good frame of mind she wouldn’t have sent it, or, would have least rewrote it. I think though, in a way, it was closure for us both. For years I had wondered if I was this terrible thing that happened to her, if me coming along had damaged her so badly that I inherited her disorder as some kind of karma. That wasn’t the case at all. She would have been the same if I hadn’t of been born, maybe she might have been open to getting more help, but I think the outcome would have been the same. That time in rehab changed my life. Not only did it address my addiction issues, it helped me deal with the bipolar, gave me so much strength I never knew I had. I wished she had been able to get help in that way. For all I knew she had though, and for whatever reason it didn’t work for her or she didn’t want it to work.

  I was lucky. So incredibly lucky. I could have easily been drawn into the same life, ignored what help I was being offered and jumped right off into the deep end. Ezra knew what I was thinking and placed the letter down on the table and kissed my temple.

  “I am so proud of you,” he said, “you have overcome so much.”

  “Don’t get all soppy on me now,” I smiled and picked up the letter again.

  “What are you going to do with that?”

  “We always have a bonfire at the end of autumn right? I think I should get rid of it then. I would like to keep the photos though, is that okay?”

  “Of course,” he nodded and I watched his beautiful curls bounce with his movement. “Whatever you want.”

  “I am glad I got this though.”

  “How come?”

  “Because it shows what could have happened if I didn’t have you and my family looking out for me.”

  “Your family is amazing,” Ezra agreed and I kissed his lips softly.

  “They are your family too now.”

  “Then…our family is amazing,” he corrected himself and kissed me back, his lips meeting mine in a familiar way now but he still have me butterflies.

  “Are you pleased with how everything turned out? Between us?” I asked, something I had wanted to ask for many years but I always felt nervous about the answer.

  “Of course, I couldn’t picture my life any differently.”

  “You don’t wish that I hadn’t left when I did?”

  “I wouldn’t change anything Charlie.”

  “Why? Wouldn’t you make it all simpler?”

  “Okay, I would change you getting hurt, which would change a lot of things. But I’m not mad about how things happened between us. I’m not mad I shared my life with someone else for a while,” he said and he ran his finger over my wedding ring gently.

  “You were happy with Luis,” I stated and he gave a smile and nodded.

  “I was very happy, while it lasted. I would never have married him if I didn’t love him.”

  “If he hadn’t of left you, do you think you would still be together?” Ezra let out a deep sigh at the question and moved his hand up to the back of my neck to play with the ends of my hair.

  “Probably. But, if we hadn’t of separated then I would have had no need for extra contact with you. I wouldn’t have brought this house,” he pointed out, “you would have sold this and gone home. But. We did split up. And he’s happy, he’s still with the guy he left me for and I believe that they were meant to be together just like we are.”

  “Even though I can’t cook like Luis?” I grinned.

  “Well,” Ezra sighed, “you could still learn.”

  “Oh I’m far too old to learn something new, and you’re stuck with me now, that’s what you get for marrying me.”

  “I would happily eat sandwiches everyday for the rest of me life it it meant being stuck with you,” Ezra beamed and I never got tired of that beautiful smile of his.

  “Let’s go inside, it’s getting cold,” I suggested and he stood up, taking my hand in his to go back indoors with me. I glanced back at the garden over my shoulder, it was turning red and orange now and held onto its beauty as the sun set. I would never forget that image, of our garden bathing in speckled sunlight, still as beautiful as it always was, fully embracing each season with splendour as if it was it’s last.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I am so lucky to have such amazing friends and family around me during this whole writing process.

  I would like to thank Allison Martine, for being the most supportive and funny person I have met in the writing world.

  I need to mention my high school teacher, Roger Reed, who
made me see the magic in books and really is the person who first inspired me to write.

  Special thanks goes to my beautiful family and friends, for listening to me anxieties and holding my hand the whole way.

  All of my love goes to Gavin and Arlo. My two favourite people in the world.