The GOD Box

by Melissa Horan

  May’s would be all inclusive and she would just expect you to create good relationships. Would that work… thinking about that, if every person created good relationships with everyone else, then no one would be bad, or do bad… right? That would be freedom, correct? The expectations led to freedom… that was the point of the box, right? Dane looked over cynically to see Jonathan poking with an utterly bored expression at the fire where there was a nearly roasted chicken. Jonathan’s box would be bigger than everyone else’s, but he’d insist there was only room enough for himself, and the requirements for freedom – be awesome and kick everyone else out.

  Thomas would have some kind of intense and intricate political theory, with its own set of rules a mile long. He would do everything he could to put everyone on equal grounds. Was a level playing field the thing that made them free? Dane felt more like life’s box was tilted, almost on some kind of axis, then sometimes, for no good at all, flipped upside-down. But did that make life unfair… did that make people un-free? If freedom was the objective, what would he do? Dane came out of his zone and realized he was making box shapes with his hands. Didn’t matter, really, Jonathan wasn’t noticing.

  Dane asked abruptly, “What are the requirements of the God box?”

  “The God box?” he asked as if offended he had ever participated in a conversation that would ever require bringing that up.

  “You don’t remember our conversation?”

  “Um… the ten commandments. Be nice?” He said sarcastically, covering up the fact that he didn’t know.

  “Commandments?”

  “Rules”

  “Oh…”

  “There was a little pneumonic device I learned when I was young to remember them. Even with good memory I can’t seem to go back that far. Something like, God is the only one you can worship… respect your parents… don’t do things that offend your neighbors… like adultery and stealing… junk like that.”

  “Adultery?”

  “Means cheating on who you married. Or – having a relationship with someone else while you’re married.” He saw Dane’s confused face, “Or – you know… you commit adultery… Agh! You have sex with someone you shouldn’t.”

  “Oh… that was part of the God box? I thought it was more like government than regulations on personal choices?”

  “Well, it is… sort of… too hard to explain.” Jonathan crossed his arms and looked smugly at the trees.

  Guess they were done with that conversation. Unfortunately for Jonathan, Dane was terribly interested, “why did you learn that when you were little?”

  “Mom took me to church – till I was ten, then I refused after that.”

  This was like pulling teeth. It hurt for him to try to be so proactive. Dane didn’t know how to force this all out of him.

  “Why’d you refuse?”

  “I just didn’t believe it. I never did. They think that children are closer to God somehow, because they have a pure spirit, or some junk like that. I think that’s a load of bull.”

  “So when you got married, did she believe in God?”

  “No.”

  “Did you have any kids?”

  “One, but I lost contact after the divorce.”

  “What does divorce mean?”

  “You get legally separated from the person you married. Or - you’re no longer legally recognized as married, for taxing and housing and benefits purposes.”

  “And why were you separated?”

  “Why the Hell are you now asking these personal questions? Its irritating.”

  “Because your perspective on life is interesting, and doesn’t really mean much if I don’t know why you feel that way.” Dane said very sincerely.

  “We were married for ten years, but just started leading separate lives. What explanation do you want? She cheated on me, and I knew she didn’t love me anymore…” He sighed and looked back into the trees, “I tried to forgive her. I worked too much she said. She accused me of having an affair with my work. Well at some point I had the distinct realization I didn’t love her either. So it was time to be done. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. At some point dedication to one person seems so trivial.”

  “I disagree, as I’m sure you would expect. But one more question, what is an affair?”

  “You know, I don’t get that.” Jonathan said, rather aggressively, “You know love and children and even you specifically know about loyal relationships, but you don’t know the definitions of marriage and affair. Everybody wins, then? A happy medium; love all around! No one is dedicated, no one gets hurt. That’s what you know, everyone shares, and why isn’t that enough for you?! You want to know the polar distinctions; you want to put people on unfair ground?”

  “Is a tradition of mediocrity fair? And how does a choice to be dedicated mean unfairness?”

  “That is the box! The box is defining things like that, marriage good, divorce bad, why define any of that, if you can just love whoever you want? You can make your own definitions!”

  Dane didn’t argue after that. He sat for a few more hours while Jonathan fumed. Was it possible Dane was wrong? He wondered… but it didn’t make sense. It didn’t line up. If May was right, and it was all about relationships… should there be levels of relationships? A hierarchy of dedication, or should every relationship be equal? Dane became worried that not even the little green book answered that question. But then, if Thomas was right, and people needed limitations by rules… was that closer to understanding the God box? Was it government based?

  He was driving himself crazy. He thought about May, and was wishing she was with them so he could bounce ideas off of her… His head hurt now and he felt like he was going crazy. Too many thoughts, too few answers, too much assumption on where this would take them all. How could they, small and meager people, allow some knowledge and disallow others? His own preaching about allowing people to choose. Oy. He couldn’t do this, he never realized the enormous consequence. If there was a ‘right’ way… then would he fight for it?

  The box… the commandments… the relationships… and then… freedom? No… It couldn’t work like that. He thought about May, who originally wanted freedom to do what she wanted and not be strapped to home. But her desires changed. Maybe that was it… maybe it was the definition of freedom that was the confusion. Perhaps freedom was the ability to change your desires for good.

  Dane felt like he was wrestling with himself. Shut up, Shut up! He was overwhelmed and felt the enormity of the task. Not to mention, even if Jonathan tried not to show it, he felt guilt or pain about his choices, and Dane seemed to feel the same thing – not because he thought he and May would come to that end, but the immensity of how it would feel; the horror on discovery of faulty loyalty. He put his head between his knees. Whatever they were going to find out tomorrow would change his whole life, and that was intimidating. Before a few months ago, he never felt like this. An adventure is what he thought it was – schooling at its most intense definition.

  Dane lost in his thoughts, and Jonathan with his game, they didn’t eat until the chicken was burned.

  All the worst possibilities came to mind – war, because of them; less satisfying relationships in rebellion to the suggestion to improve them; revolt at any new restrictions they suggest. Maybe they should start the world over with Dane, May, Jonathan, Janine, Thomas, Miek, Samson, and whatever women they wanted. Either way, it’s not a choice for the others it seemed! This was a cat’s game. Come to think of it, he didn’t even know what a cat was. Dane didn’t realize how hard he was breathing. Didn’t matter, Jonathan was finally asleep.

  The book came quickly out of his pocket as he tried to find sense in his thoughts. He opened it up and began reading in psalms. Till now he had only used it for intellectual gain. Now, somehow, he hoped an instruction he received would be calming. Not even able to focus, he just jumped around as if in search of all the million things he should know; wanting it to be contained in a single p
aragraph. Logic told him he wouldn’t find it. Not like this.

  Thoughts spiraled worse and worse. He used to be able to control this better. Would they be safe? What if something happened while he was gone? It didn’t really matter because relationships were a waste of time; eventually love dies. Where was the solace? Where was the sanity? It’s because it’s late and he’s tired and he’s fighting his desire for alcohol. Why does he fight? Because of a freaking non-existent box? This was awful. He wanted to swear, to scream, to tear open his flesh. Fingernail prints were in his bicep, one of them was bleeding. This isn’t you, Dane, he kept thinking. This isn’t you.

  He had no one to help him. No one who heard his plea. He was abandoned. Everything he ever knew in his life was wrong, was not the way it was intended. No, no. Stop, that’s not true, you’re just stressed. Dane found himself sobbing on all fours. Leaning upon his elbows and putting his wet face in the dirt he croaked, “Oh help me.”

  Dane shook as he sobbed. He felt like he was paralyzed. He stayed like that till morning, whispering every honest thought and plead, not sure if it mattered if someone was listening, just saying it.

  ___

  Jonathan woke up and saw Dane, curious at first until he heard him muttering. It took Jonathan aback. Was he praying? Jonathan was aghast. What does he think that will do? This was really an unfortunate situation. Jonathan didn’t like this one bit. His hatred started rising. Just about to help them improve and find more fulfilling lives by giving them the gift of creation, and then he saw Dane kneeling there. This couldn’t happen. Didn’t Dane get it yet? He couldn’t give in. Jonathan wanted to yell and tell him how stupid he was. Something held him back, a weird innate sense.

  Though Jonathan didn’t agree, or care, he didn’t want the awkward scene after pulling Dane out of his self-imposed coma. He hadn’t the proper words, but he felt like seeing Dane was calming to him; yet Jonathan was fighting to keep his anger. But, Dane was experiencing something very personal, and it was affecting Jonathan. Jonathan realized he might stay there until someone moves him. The way his body weighed heavily toward the ground, and the strain in his neck, suggested he’d been there for a while.

  Jonathan made a plan. He’d get up to go to the bathroom… then see what happened, maybe Dane would hear him leave and finish up before he returned. As soon as he brushed his leg against the dirt to get up, Dane jerked and looked back, looking like a right mess. Insanity had drove him to it. He looked harassed, by his own doing, or by God’s… Jonathan still got up to leave, but asked, placidly, in a way that suggested he’d been betrayed,

  “Feel better?”

  Dane didn’t know yet. He didn’t know what was supposed to happen. Exhausted, he collapsed into the dirt and closed his eyes. Things were always better in the morning. And he slept, for a few hours at least.

  Jonathan would have left him there if he felt more confident how to find the cave. Instead, Jonathan growled something about wishing he had had a GPS as they finally began walking around noon time.

  ___

  They made the trek of a few miles through the jungle in the blistering heat of the day. Dane was feeling more light-hearted then he had in a while, even despite the odd nightmare he’d had in his short sleep. He dreamt that he was locked up in a tiny box and couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t find a door and couldn’t break the box. As a matter of fact it seemed to get smaller the more he tried to push at it. It felt so uncomfortable, before he woke up, he didn’t think he could scrunch any smaller than he was. But waking up and realizing he could walk and breathe and move was such a relief that he felt peace seep through him.

  They climbed across the cliff instead of wading through the water so they wouldn’t be wet and cold in the lower end of the cave.

  Jonathan began to complain. That was one way to spoil Dane’s good mood.

  “Look.” Dane stopped him, “If we want to get to your lab, we have to walk there. Therefore, we need to see what good lies ahead, and be glad that we are getting there, albeit slower than you would like. Stop complaining. Right n – ah – stop it.” He concluded, as Jonathan tried to interrupt, and then again, “nope, stop. Be quiet.”

  Shushing Jonathan never put him in a good mood. He sulked the rest of the way.

  How a cave could look familiar, Dane wasn’t sure, but he felt like they were getting to the right spot before he saw the plaque on the wall, and the deep crevasse to the left of it. Feeling excited now, Dane wasted no time and jutted forward toward the wall. A heavy fist to the chest stopped him in his tracks. Fiercely Jonathan pushed him aside and made himself first in line.

  Dane understood, so he backed off, though was starting to depress again. They said nothing to each other on the way down. The old man had never moved so fast. That made Dane even more eager. What were they going to bring to life? He wished May could be here to see this.

  As they got further down, it got brighter, strangely, not dimmer. Below his feet, on the sides of the pathway were little lights. Wha- ? Clinking the top of the light with his fingernail, he realized it was covered with glass. No time to stop, though. Jonathan was moving deeper and deeper. He’d ask about the lights later. Dane found himself wondering if the pathway was really like this, or if it was carved by modern machines, and what would you need to break up this stone without caving it in on yourself? He wondered, just in case they still needed to cave it in later.

  A flip of a switch from Jonathan and all the power of the sun broke loose. Dane slapped a hand over his eyes. “What the hell? That’s like the freaking sun – wanna warn me next time? Gah…” Blinded now, he heard a clicking noise and next he knew he was being dragged by his forearm into a room. Squinting didn’t even help; his eyes watered with tears and the door closed behind him.

  “You’ll get used to it.” Jonathan said.

  Dane sure hoped so. Ou! Did trying to get used to it help? He was so afraid to miss something important. A sliding of something metal against the floor shrieked unpleasantly. Then, again, more clicking, Dane wished he would slow down. Stretching his face and blinking repeatedly gave him a blurry vision of Jonathan moving something large and silver away from the large and silver wall. Then the clicking as he tapped the wall. Wobbling over and around a table to where Jonathan stood, he got a stiff arm to not move any closer.

  “John, man… slow down! I can’t see a thing you’re doing.”

  “And I care, because?”

  “You are insufferable!” Dane concluded angrily, although he was really all that angry.

  Dane could see now but things were blurry and had a strange luminary glow. Around the room, everything resembled a mirror, except all the reflections were as blurry as his eyesight. Now, he noticed how freezing cold it was. He turned back to look at the whole in the wall that the clicking had seemingly produced. It was so cold his nostril hairs froze when he breathed in. Colder than anything he had ever felt. Inside this small opening where thousands of tubes filled with what looked like blood. He backed up slightly, still looking around the room in awe, and Dane asked,

  “What is this? The God box?” There was a slight hint of humor in his voice.

  Chapter 18

  Jonathan didn’t understand why the analogy of the God box was so funny. It barely made sense. More than ever, Jonathan felt comfort from the lab, despite claustrophobia. He wanted to live here and stay here until he died.

  While setting everything up, he was meticulous. Everything needed to be perfect.

  “Sure. If you want to call it that.” John caught his eye, clearly annoyed, then looked back down at the glass tubes he pulled out of the wall. The muttering he had displayed a few days ago was coming rapidly and indiscernibly.

  “Talking to yourself can’t be healthy.” Dane added, sarcastically, attempting to keep him from going crazy then and there.

  “Yeah, well, that’s why I don’t like religion…”

  Maybe he’d explain when he stopped hyperventilating. Getting away from the cold, Dane explor
ed the drawers. More beef jerky! And, thankfully, a blanket. Dane wrapped himself up, opened the bag and started eating awkwardly, using his fingers like pincers and holding the blanket near his chin at the same time. So cold that he couldn’t stop shaking, Jonathan cursed the air and clung more firmly to one of the tubes that he was trying to connect to the tubing and wires that sat above the table. Another little window in the wall opened when he pushed on a little square. A clear sheet of something unrolled as he pulled it out and jerked it downward.

  “Whas ‘at?” Dane asked with his mouth full of jerky.

  “Uterus.” Jonathan said, looking annoyed again.

  Dane was ticked off, “I know what a uterus looks like. IF that’s a uterus, you need to explain.”

  “It’s a little funny, and ironic. Know why? Because with surrogate birth, women thought they didn’t need men. This could have made all typical pregnancy obsolete. Women aren’t needed for birth when you have this. And, technically men aren’t either, but since I know how to run it, you need me, and that’s what matters.”

  Dane didn’t bother rolling his eyes. He watched as Jonathan made another connection on the second table. He clapped his hands together and smiled widely. That was a first. A smile…

  “You’re about to witness perfection. See, you have to have the full birthing process for it to work, they need the growth, but I found a way to speed it up…. And technically could even make a woman’s pregnancy speed up if she wanted. And who wouldn’t, right? Well, some called it unnatural. Just in denial of progress. Whatever. If you ever want to know if the chicken or the egg came first, it was the egg. But this isn’t going to be a chicken, because we don’t have need for chickens, and an egg is anticlimactic.”

  Surely there was an intelligent question for Dane to ask at this point… but he couldn’t formulate it. Besides, he knew what Jonathan was suggesting, but was just in shock. He had to see this work first.

  “Humans take about thirty minutes, because they are terribly complex. Animals are a little less. But I’m not using all the blood, so it’ll take some more time for it to replicate itself. It’s too painfully slow for one set of parents to repopulate and too risky if there’s any complications, so we’ll make multiple.”