Lost & Found

by E B Brooks

  Cody grabbed her wrist and looked at the white scar that ran across it. With sad eyes, he searched her watery ones. “You tried to kill yourself.”

  She remembered the feel of the warm blood dripping down her arm, the heaviness of the knife in her hand. She’d heard Ryan’s voice in her head and knew Ryan was still with her that day. If she’d cut deeper that first time, she’d be dead right now.

  She sniffled. “Yeah, but I couldn’t do it. It’s not something I’m proud of. You don’t know what it was like, though, after he left. Nikki’s crew got worse, saying a bunch of nasty stuff to me. If you keep hearing the same thing over and over, you start to believe it.”

  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ryder nodding in agreement.

  “But I knew Ryan would be mad as hell if I just gave up, so the next day, I told Nikki to go to hell. I wasn’t going to listen to her bullshit anymore, and I punched her in the face.”

  Ryder crawled over and took her off Cody’s lap to place her on his, nuzzling her neck. Cody still had his hand on her head, running his fingers through her hair.

  Jace frowned. “Sounds like you loved this guy.”

  A smile formed on her face. “Not the way you think. I loved him like a brother.” She chuckled. “He made me my first birthday cake, even though part of it slid off the plate and fell on the floor. He was also the one who gave me my first gift, a switchblade, and taught me how to use it. He taught me how to survive.”

  Cody ran his hand up and down her arm. “I’m sorry that Ryan left your life that way, but I’m glad he was there for you when you needed him.”

  “There was a time when I didn’t think I would survive. I spent a lot of time working at Crumbs Bakery for Mrs. Jones. She’s the one who got me going on a scholarship to here. She was like a mother to me. I really miss her.”

  “Maddy, if you ever want to go back for a weekend, I’m sure one of us would be happy to take you,” Jace offered.

  “Thank you, but for now, I’ll just call her.”

  “Was that what your panic attack was about earlier?” Cody asked.

  Maddy shook her head. “No, I don’t want to talk about any more sadness tonight.”

  They sat in silence, absorbing what she’d told them, each lost in their own head.

  Ryder nuzzled her neck, then whispered, “Sometime soon, we need to talk.”

  She pulled away and met his beautiful eyes. “Just let me know.”

  “Tonight, can I stay?” He tilted his head to the side.

  A smile crossed her face as she nodded.

  Jace caught her attention. “Maddy, can I talk to you in your room before I go?”

  “Sure.”

  Jace jumped up and helped her off Ryder’s lap.

  Ryder grabbed the two last beers, passing one to Cody.

  “Make yourselves comfortable,” she said before she walked back to her room with Jace following.

  The only place to sit was on her bed, so they settled down facing each other.

  Jace glanced around. “You picked out a nice bedroom set.”

  “I like it. I need to sew the back up, but I’m happy with it.” She let out a deep breath. “I need to be honest with you. You hurt me, Jace. Out of everyone, I never thought you would be the one to break my trust. I know we just met each other, and you didn’t want to tell me about—” She snapped her fingers, trying to jog her memory. “Shit, what’s his name again?”

  “James.”

  “Yes, James. I can understand not telling me about him.” Her voice shook on her next question. “Do you have feelings for him?”

  She was actually nervous to find out if he did or not. There was something about Jace that calmed her, not to mention he was sexy as hell. Before last night, she’d thought they had something together.

  Jace shook his head. “No, but James was the first guy I had sex with.”

  He looked everywhere but at her; there was more, but he was afraid to tell her.

  She touched his leg. “Just spit it out. You heard part of my life. I won’t think badly of you. I promise.”

  He blew out his cheeks. “I like to be submissive. I’m not into all the whips and chains, but I like to be ordered around while having sex.”

  Biting his bottom lip, he avoided her gaze.

  Wow, she didn’t see that coming. She thought back to all the romance books she’d read and what a dominant/submissive was. A dominant could be either male or female, and they always liked to be in control. Maddy really liked Jace, but was that something she could do for him? The only way to find out was to try.

  “And James gave you that? Is it something you need to have from a man, or would a woman do?” She kept her focus on him.

  His eyes popped wide. “I… I don’t know.”

  “Well, then, I guess we’ll just have to find out later. When we reach that point in our relationship. If you still want a relationship with me.”

  “Hell, yeah, I do. I know I lost your trust, but I’ll do what I can to win it back.” He kept running his fingers through his hair, almost pulling it out.

  She took his hand away from his hair. “Stop. You’ll pull it all out if you keep doing that, and I enjoy running my hands through it. Are you worried about Skylar?”

  “Yes.” He lowered his head. “I don’t know what he was thinking last night. He said some rude shit, not only to you.”

  “I heard everything he said, Jace. That wasn’t the Skylar I met at the meet and greet. Has he ever acted like that before?”

  He rubbed his jaw, and Maddy squeezed his other hand. “Yes, back in high school. He got hurt during a fight, and they put him on these strong pain pills.”

  He let out a deep breath, like he’d been holding it in for years, and she knew Jace was telling her something the other guys didn’t know.

  “He got hooked on them, didn’t he?” She pinched the bridge of her nose. It made sense. A lot of the kids at the group home took drugs. Some of them made people angry.

  “Yeah, he did. I thought he stopped, but I found him taking them way after he should have been done with them. He turned so angry when he took them, but he felt invincible when he fought. It took him almost killing someone in the ring for him to stop taking them and come to me for help. I helped him detox. He hadn’t been on them for too long, so when he begged me not to tell the others or send him to rehab, I agreed. He promised he wouldn’t take pain pills again.”

  “Shit, Jace, how long have you kept that a secret?” She rubbed his back. That was a big secret to keep; it had to have been hard on him. “We need to find out if he went back to using them. We have to be careful how we do this, though.” She tapped her lip. “We can’t come right out and ask him.”

  “That would be a bad idea. He’s already on edge, and if we question him, it will push him over the edge. We need to watch him, look for when he acts out of character.”

  “I agree. We’ll watch him.”

  “Just one more thing. Can I have a kiss?”

  “You never have to ask.” She wrapped her arms around the back of his head as he leaned down to kiss her. Jace kissed her like she was made of glass. She loved kissing him.

  After a minute, they separated and walked out to the living room hand-in-hand.

  “Well, guys, as much fun as this is, I need to get to the gym tonight,” Cody said, stretching his arms above his head.

  His shirt rode up, and Maddy got a good look at the light-brown trail of hair that disappeared into his jeans. Yum!

  She needed to stop having those thoughts.

  Jace started to clean up the pizza and beer bottles off the floor.

  “Are you coming with me, Ryder?” Cody questioned.

  “No, I’m staying.” He walked over to Maddy and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

  “Thank you for helping me today, guys. This Friday, I’d like to make you all dinner as a thank-you. I was planning to invite some friends I made at my job, too. Which reminds me; do any of you know where my phon
e is?” Maddy bit her bottom lip. “I’m sure it’s dead by now.”

  “I think I remember seeing it in my room. I’ll look when I get home,” Ryder offered.

  “I’ll be there for dinner, but I’ll have to leave not that long after,” Cody said.

  Jace smiled at her. “I wouldn’t miss it.”

  Happy, Maddy ushered them toward the door. “Good. I’ll see you all around six, then.”

  Cody gave her a hug and left.

  Jace kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you at school.”

  As soon as she locked the door, Ryder swooped in and carried her to her bedroom, laying her in the middle of the bed.

  “Now I finally have you to myself.” He waggled his eyebrows.

  She laughed. “My whole life, no one wanted me except Ryan. Not my parents, not the caretakers. All I wanted was for someone to love and care about me. To fill this hole I have in my heart.” Unexpectedly, tears filled her eyes. “Now, I have a bunch of guys around me, and I don’t know what they want.”

  “What about that lady you talked about? The one you worked for.”

  “Mrs. Jones?” Maddy sniffled and smiled a little.

  He ran his hand down her cheek and across her jaw. “I know, from what you said, that she loves you.”

  “She does, but that’s not the love I’m talking about.”

  “I know that’s not what you’re looking for, but I know of three guys who are crazy about you.”

  “Who?” she teased.

  Ryder leaned closer to her. “It’s too soon for I love you, but I do feel strongly for you, and I don’t think it would take much to say I’m falling for you.”

  “Cody and you are driving me up the wall. If that’s how you feel, why do you keep pulling away from me? You told me you just wanted to be friends. What changed?”

  “I decided to tell you about my past. The guys know most of it, but not all of it.” His expression turned serious. “After I tell you, if you still want to be with me, then I’m yours.”

  23

  Maddy

  “You should get comfortable. This might take a while.” Ryder sat up and scooted up the bed until his back rested against the headboard.

  Maddy grabbed a pillow and lay so she could see his face.

  “I think I told you I have two older sisters? Honey’s eight years old than me and Pru is five years older. Honey was a gorgeous kid, still is today. Jeanne—” Ryder paused and looked at me. “That’s my mom. I don’t call her that anymore because she doesn’t deserve it. Anyway, Jeanne instantly put Honey into baby pageants. The money they spent on dresses alone could have fed a small country. Pru is a prodigy. She can pick up any instrument and play it flawlessly.”

  He held his breath, then slowly let it out.

  By the way Ryder talked about his sisters, Maddy wasn’t sure how he felt about them. With Jeanne, though, it was obvious. What did she do for Ryder to dislike her so much? And where was his father?

  Ryder closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. “Then, there’s me, the unwanted child, the mistake. Jeanne and Jon—that’s my father, if you can call him that—didn’t want any more children. After she had Pru, she had her tubes tied, or at least she thought she did. When I popped out, I wasn’t anything special. I wasn’t a prodigy, and I was too wild for pageants, so I was ignored.”

  He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. “When you said if you hear something over and over you start to believe it? I understood what you meant. I’ve never told anyone, but my family used to tell me on a daily basis that I was worthless. They repeated it so much that when Jeanne told me she’d found a way for me to help the family, I believed her. I would have done anything, even if it meant selling my body.”

  Maddy gasped. How could a mother say that to their child? Hearing it from a stranger was one thing, but hearing it from a parent was just wrong.

  “Jon didn’t have a high-paying job, and Honey’s pageants got more expensive as she grew. So…. Um…” He wiped away a tear.

  Maddy realized what he was trying to say, and her eyes widened. No way. She crawled over to him and wrapped him in her arms. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe a mother would do that. Oh, my, that’s horrible. How old were you?”

  He let out a shaky breath. “Fifteen. She would take me with Honey to the shows and have a separate room for me, so I could do my part to help my family. The thing is, I was a horny fifteen-year-old. In my screwed-up head, I thought these women loved me. For a long time, I thought having sex equaled love.”

  She pulled him in tighter; she could never have imagined this. He was just a child.

  “When I was almost eighteen, I ran away to the Andersons. I told Mr. Anderson, and he investigated, but it would have been my word against hers. Somehow, he strong-armed them into emancipating me, and they’re never allowed to see me again.”

  “What about your sisters?”

  “I don’t know if they knew or not. They never cared about me. I was more of a pest. I heard that Honey married some political guy, and Pru’s touring the world as a concert pianist. That’s it; that’s my story. I’ve had some therapy, but I’m still confused about what love is.”

  Maddy planted tiny kisses on his cheek. “Well, I guess we both don’t know what love is.” She ran her fingers through his black hair. “We can find out together.”

  He pulled back and searched her eyes. “After everything I just told you, you still want to be with me? My body was sold for sex. I’m so screwed up in the head I still use sex to make myself feel good.” He looked at her in complete shock. “I don’t deserve someone as pure as you… I…”

  “Stop! Ryder, please… I’m far from pure, trust me. When I needed money for college, in addition to working at the bakery, I used to work at a run-down gas station. I had the late shift, so I came in after curfew. Usually, I was good at sneaking in, but there were times I got caught, and when I did, the night guard demanded payment. I refused to have sex with him, so I’m sure you can imagine what I had to do.” Her cheeks burned with shame, and she couldn’t look at Ryder.

  His large hands cupped her face, gently moving her head back to look at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Never forget how strong you are.”

  “So are you, Ryder. I’m sorry your childhood was like that. I hope I never meet Jeanne, because she just might end up with a black eye. One of the first things I noticed about you is your light. You shine so brightly you light up a room. You have a way of making people laugh and have a good time. That’s the reason people are drawn to you. Whether or not you believe it, you have a good heart. Look at how you took care of me. You didn’t have to stop me from drinking or worry if I wanted to get in the shower with my underwear on or not. There’s something strong between us, and I really want to explore it.”

  “How could I not feel something for you? In such a small amount of time, you’ve changed all four of us without knowing it. We were just going along, doing what we had to, until you showed up. You put the sun back into our lives. You don’t know how happy I am that you’re giving me a chance.” He laid her down on the bed and lay half on top of her.

  He gave her a searing kiss that left them both out of breath.

  “I also want to let you know I’m all right with you dating the other guys. I think, for obvious reasons, no sex between you and me until we know each other better.”

  Maddy pouted and leaned closer to him. “I don’t like that idea.”

  Ryder claimed her lips in a smoldering kiss, his fingers caressing her side. When his fingers touched her ribs, she pulled away and giggled.

  “Oh, did I find a ticklish spot?” A wicked smile spread over his face.

  Maddy slipped off the bed, still giggling. “After the day I had, I need a hot shower.”

  She sensually sashayed with a lot of hip action, pausing every so often to take off a piece of clothing as she walked. When she reached her door, she looked over her shoulder and blew a kiss
to Ryder.

  He threw his head back. “Killing me here.”

  Smiling, she left her bedroom and walked the short distance to the bathroom. Turning on the shower, she stepped in, letting the hot water run down her body.

  “Can I wash your hair?” a silky voice asked from behind her.

  She turned to find Ryder in the shower with her, and she let her half-closed eyes roam his gorgeous, nude body. Handing him the shampoo, she turned back around.

  The bottle clicked open, and a moment later, his hands threaded into her hair, massaging her scalp until bubbles formed. Never having felt something so wonderful, she closed her eyes and relaxed, enjoying it.

  “All right, Silk, rinse it out.” When she groaned in disappointment, Ryder chuckled.

  He leaned past her to run his sudsy hands under the water, which gave her a great idea.

  She rinsed her hair clear of shampoo, then grabbed her body wash and squeezed some into her hands. With an evil smile, she slid her soapy hands around his neck.

  “Silk, whatcha doing?” his voice sounded breathless.

  “Returning the favor.”

  He made a low noise in his throat.

  Running her soapy hands down the center of his chest, she admired how his muscles moved before she noticed his nipples were pierced. Without a second thought, she leaned forward to flick her tongue over his hard nipple, then pulled the ring into her mouth.

  A moan hissed out through his clenched teeth.

  She ran her pointer finger around and through the ring. “Did these hurt when you got them done?”

  “Yes.” He looked down at her, his whiskey eye ablaze.

  Maddy took one loop in her teeth and gently pulled it as her tongue flicked his nipple. Ryder moaned loudly, his head slamming back and his hips thrusting against her.

  Hmm, someone liked a little pain. She would have to remember that for later.

  She ran her soapy hand down his arms and through his open fingers then back up. Her hands drifted over the well-developed muscles of his chest then ran down his V. His cock had blossomed into a thick, swollen masterpiece. By the time she finished soaping the top half of his body, they were both turned on, their breathing coming in tiny pants. She’d never experienced anything this erotic.