by Jason Kenyon
‘Icier than Icebolt.’
‘So very icy, then,’ the guard said.
‘What do you think?’ Archimegadon asked.
‘Then where’s the ice from this very icy bolt?’ The guard looked around. ‘Not here, on this slight burn mark?’
‘It is on the thieves, who scattered,’ Archimegadon replied.
‘Except for this chap,’ the guard said. ‘Met with an accident, did he?’
‘I dropped the head on him,’ Obdo replied. ‘A terrible mistake.’
‘I see.’ The guard started scribbling notes in a little pad. ‘And the tavern? Did you drop it on that?’
‘This guy here did that,’ Obdo replied, nudging Felick with his foot. ‘He was really mad, officer. Wanted to steal this magic staff.’ He pointed at the Staff of Antagules, but the guard didn’t seem overly interested.
‘I have all the information I need,’ the guard said. ‘I’ll take this guy away.’
‘You’re not charging us with anything then?’ Archimegadon asked.
‘Nope. After you gave me the best line of the day yesterday? You’re alright, mage. Go on. Get some sleep.’
‘You run a tight ship, captain,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Well at least we got one of the thieves,’ the guard said. ‘I guess the others stole away.’
Archimegadon cradled his face in his hands.
*
The next day they gathered on the walkway again, where business had resumed. Far from being the talk of the town, the night’s incident had apparently gone unnoticed. That suited Archimegadon, who wanted to set off as soon as possible, but it seemed that Obdo and Neurion wanted some questions answered.
‘You said you didn’t take up the amulet quest,’ Neurion said.
‘I didn’t want you involved,’ Archimegadon lied. Well, he was only lying to a certain extent, since he did not want Neurion involved in the reward collection after all.
‘What’s this about anyway?’ Obdo asked.
‘You know Aldrack?’ They both nodded. ‘Lord Bartell, who rules the city, needs a certain magical amulet transported to the Mage School in Melethas without being stolen. The duty was entrusted to me.’
‘They having a lot of extra trouble with thieves lately?’ Obdo asked.
‘They are, as a matter of fact,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘Why do you ask?’
‘Because it’s a dangerous precaution to take, hiring a mage,’ Obdo replied. ‘Especially risking everything on you. But maybe he’s just stupid.’
‘Shut up, oaf,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now I have this duty to undertake, and I don’t want any foolery from either of you. I want to deliver this soon, so no detours or anything. And try to walk a little faster, Obdo. Your pace was execrable yesterday.’
Obdo glared at Archimegadon from beneath the Shadow.
‘The very security of Aldrack, nay, the world, rests on this quest,’ Archimegadon said. ‘These thieves are handing out rare magical items to the highest bidders, and corrupt men and women are gaining access to unbelievably powerful artefacts. Such power running loose can only mean one thing!’
‘Business as usual?’ Obdo asked.
Neurion cuffed him. ‘This is a serious threat. Take it seriously.’ He nodded to Archimegadon. ‘You are a brave man to take on this duty. If these thieves are genuine money-grabbers, then you will be the target of many an attack. There could be archers waiting to shoot us down all along the Central Way, possibly mages in their service, and every time you sleep from now until your death you will be at risk of assassins as revenge for this infraction committed against them. Organised thieves hold grudges to the grave, and it’s usually not their grave.’
Archimegadon frowned. Those Isles of Filikis were looking a little shady right now.
‘You should look more frightened, Obdo, instead of grinning,’ Neurion said to the farmhand. ‘This is a very real threat to you, until we reach Melethas.’
‘What does it matter to me?’ Obdo asked. ‘The archers would just hit this great thing.’ He shook the Shadow’s head and ooze splattered everywhere.
‘Please don’t do that,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Look, it’s just a casual walk down the road. There is no need to panic. Besides, that Felick Broadblade character has been imprisoned. With luck that will be the last we see of him.’
‘I think he’s probably crippled after Obdo threw the head on him,’ Neurion said.
‘Nearly crippled me too, the fool!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Imagine throwing that through my wall.’
‘Saved you though, didn’t it?’ Obdo asked.
‘My quick thinking saved us,’ Archimegadon replied.
‘Well, it certainly wasn’t your flamebolts,’ Obdo said.
Neurion cuffed him again. ‘Didn’t you listen to him yesterday? He cast icybolts.’
Obdo looked at Archimegadon. ‘Do you want to tell him, or shall I?’
Neurion looked puzzled.
‘Just ignore him,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Let’s get moving.’
The three companions pushed through the crowds and descended the spiral stairway, which creaked very threateningly under Obdo and the Shadow. Archimegadon prayed that the Staff of Antagules would activate some sort of floating spell if the stairway gave way. Neurion glared at Obdo, who he still viewed as a necromancer, and possibly the cause of the creaking.
The same guards were at the bottom, and Archimegadon crossed his fingers in the hope of getting past without being subjected to torturously bad humour. The guard grinned at them and a bad feeling settled over the mage.
‘So, you off today?’ the guard asked.
‘Yes, that’s right,’ Archimegadon replied, wary. ‘Thank you for your kindness last night, sir.’ Perhaps flattery would divert the guard from joking.
‘Anything for honoured guests.’
Archimegadon nodded and turned to the Central Way. He was about to take his first step when the guard spoke again.
‘Say, what does it take to be a mage?’
‘It takes great mental powers,’ Archimegadon replied, stubbornly refusing to dignify the guard by turning.
‘You might say you need a good i-mage-ination!’ the guard said. His laughter was suddenly cut off by a muffled yelp.
Archimegadon turned to see the Shadow’s head on top of the fallen guard. For a few awkward seconds the other guard looked between Archimegadon, Neurion and Obdo, and the companions all looked back at him. Then Obdo raised his hands.
‘I… dropped it,’ he said.
‘Shame,’ the second guard said. ‘I was hoping you did that deliberately.’
Chapter Six: Along the Central Way
Archimegadon led the way, as ever, once they had left the village of Salien behind. The great mage was glad to say goodbye to the place, which had produced nothing worthwhile during his stay. What with a bad dream, being crushed by a giant demon head and having to deal with Felick Broadblade and his band of thieves, Archimegadon felt well shot of Salien. He only hoped that he could extend his imminent lordship over the village and have it pulled down, along with its dull inhabitants.
‘So tell me, Obdo,’ Neurion said to the farmhand, ‘what did you do before you got involved with necromancy?’
Obdo, who was even less fond of Neurion than he was of Archimegadon, favoured the question with silence.
Archimegadon poked Obdo with the Staff of Antagules. ‘Answer him, knave.’
‘Oh, come on,’ Obdo said. ‘Anything but this.’
‘Penance, Obdo,’ Archimegadon said.
‘You may have found my breaking point,’ Obdo said.
‘Flamebolt!’ Archimegadon said, and a ball of flame shot out from the staff at Obdo’s backside and set his trousers on fire. Obdo dropped the Shadow’s head and sat in a pool of the creature’s goo, where the flames died out. He glared at Archimegadon.
‘That was just unnecessary.’
‘I have wearied of your complaints, oaf,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now answer Neurion’s
question. Whatever it was.’
‘Oh right,’ Obdo said. ‘Glad to see you were so interested, then.’
‘Silence!’ Archimegadon prodded Obdo’s nose with the Staff of Antagules. ‘I am ruminating upon cosmic forces beyond your comprehension. You should ask your cousin at some point, since you claim that he is a mage too.’
‘Signed and sealed,’ Obdo said. ‘In a manner of speaking.’
‘Indeed.’
‘But cosmic forces are big things,’ Obdo said. ‘Which particular cosmic forces were the focus of your attention, my lord?’
Archimegadon savoured the delicious irony of Obdo’s sarcasm, since soon indeed he would be a lord. ‘I am aligning the forces that live in this forest so that should they be disturbed, we will be warned of imminent danger,’ he lied. ‘While I crushed those thieves most ruthlessly, they may yet decide to launch a second assault.’
‘You couldn’t align your arse with the toilet,’ Obdo said. ‘All you know is flamebolt, and you’re not even good at that.’
‘Silence!’ Archimegadon kicked Obdo. ‘The fact that I choose only to reveal flamebolts does not mean that I cannot cast other spells, should I choose to do so.’
‘Master Archimegadon speaks true,’ Neurion said. ‘I, for example, have not revealed my power in the holy arts yet.’
Obdo laughed, despite just being poked, kicked and burned. ‘Please give me an example, Sir Rusty. I’d love to see you try.’
A bunch of travellers had stopped to watch, and Archimegadon felt the need to be a showman, since the opportunity had been thrown at him. Besides, he wanted to see what Neurion was capable of, if the paladin was capable of anything at all. He gave Neurion a nod.
‘Show Obdo what you can do, Neurion,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Let him feel the wrath of your holy powers.’
The gathering crowd began to murmur, and Archimegadon wondered just how appalling Neurion’s powers would turn out to be. The paladin bowed his head as though in prayer, and then he drew his rusty blade.
‘I beg you, powers of Light, grant me the necessary strength to defeat this opponent,’ Neurion said.
He gestured at Obdo, and Archimegadon wondered whether Obdo as an enemy would warrant any strength at all. Theoretically the holy powers would make Neurion weaker just to make it more fair on Obdo.
Obdo stared at the rusty sword, which retained its filthy sheen. ‘That’s great, Sir Rusty, but it takes more than just a sword to make a paladin.’
The crowd grumbled and began to disperse when there was a sudden flash from Neurion’s sword.
‘Ah ha!’ Neurion said. ‘It begins! Now I’ll show you, necromancer!’
‘I’m not a necromancer really,’ Obdo said to the travellers.
The rust blade was bathed in a bright light, and Neurion grinned with childish enthusiasm. Archimegadon sighed and was about to look away from this tedious display when Neurion suddenly lunged for him and took a swing.
‘What the?’ Archimegadon blocked the sword with the Staff of Antagules. ‘What are you doing, Neurion?’
‘I think it went wrong,’ Neurion replied, his face strained as he attempted to control the blade. ‘I think it’s attacking the wrong person. Maybe it was because I looked at you instead of Obdo during the casting.’
‘Why did you do that, you oaf?’ Archimegadon asked.
‘I was making sure I was casting it right,’ Neurion replied, trying to pull his gleaming sword back. ‘I thought you would be glowering if I was doing it wrong.’
‘I’m a mage, not a paladin!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Of course I wouldn’t know if you were doing it right. But I know that eye contact is crucial!’
This was true. It was one of the Five Handy Tips outlined in the First and Last Lesson in Magic, of which Archimegadon recalled approximately two. The other was never to cast a spell at a mirror, since the spell would always cast itself on the caster in such cases. Archimegadon had tested this by inviting a dim-witted class mate to hit his reflection with a flamebolt.
The crowd was having great fun, and Archimegadon tried to work out whether casting a flamebolt at Neurion or the crowd would please him more right then. Obdo interrupted this line of thought by hurling the Shadow’s head at Neurion, who dropped the glowing blade as the Shadow crashed into him, and skidded onto the grass at the side of the Central Way along with the disembodied head. The glowing blade kept jumping on the ground like a fish out of water, so Archimegadon fired a flamebolt at it. Unfortunately, the Light-empowered blade reflected the weak magic spell, and Archimegadon ended up with a singed beard.
‘Neurion, control your sword you blasted fool!’ Archimegadon said, and the filthy paladin pushed the Shadow aside and tried to pick up the sword. The mage watched Neurion’s vain attempts to pick up the wild sword for several seconds before putting the paladin right. ‘Uncast the spell, oaf! Undo it!’
‘Ah.’ Neurion froze. ‘Yes, of course.’ He raised his hands to attempt an incantation, but the sword leapt into his right hand and sliced at Archimegadon again, pulling Neurion after it.
‘I didn’t say kill me!’ Archimegadon said, dodging the insane sword and its master and driving the Staff of Antagules into Neurion’s midriff. He followed up with a strike to the paladin’s head. The sword’s light petered out and it fell still, while Neurion fell stunned to the ground.
‘Excellent,’ Archimegadon said.
‘Finally, Sir Mage, you’re getting the right idea,’ Obdo said as the crowd cheered in appreciation of Archimegadon’s victory over the hapless paladin.
Archimegadon nodded and put his hand to his beard in a wise manner. ‘Thus must wild magic be brought under control. Another splendid battle in which the great mage Archimegadon has prevailed.’
‘Yeah, you were really magnificent,’ Obdo said, rolling his eyes.
The travellers saw that little else of interest would happen and moved off on their own journeys, while Archimegadon and Obdo dragged Neurion to the side and rested him against a tree. Obdo was given the duty of recovering the sword and cleaning the Shadow’s head, which had accumulated a lot of dirt and soil when it had rolled off Neurion and onto the grass.
‘What was that all about anyway?’ Archimegadon asked after Obdo had finished his duties. ‘Did Neurion not ask something before that little display?’
Obdo shrugged and lay back against the Shadow’s head. ‘Can’t remember. No, wait a second… oh yeah, he wanted to know what I did before I became a necromancer.’
‘That turned out rather badly for him,’ Archimegadon said.
‘It really does hurt to ask,’ Obdo said.
‘Well, we know what Neurion is capable of, at least,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Now all we need to do is get him to join the thieves and we will be able to win the day most easily.’
‘You will, you mean,’ Obdo said. ‘I’m not getting anything out of opposing that Broadblade guy. It’s your quest, remember?’
Archimegadon chuckled. ‘Indeed, fool. Indeed.’
‘Sod.’ Obdo got up and walked off into the trees.
‘Where do you think you’re off to, eh?’ Archimegadon asked. ‘Pick up that demon head at once! Do you think it will carry itself?’
Obdo bowed deeply. ‘My lord, I need to water the trees, unless you would care to accompany me?’
Archimegadon waved a dismissive hand. ‘Go on, then, oaf. But you make sure you don’t take too long, you hear?’
‘Oh, shut it.’
Archimegadon was glad to see the back of the irksome farmhand for the time being, but unfortunately Neurion chose that time to regather his wits. The paladin rubbed his head and stared blearily up at the sky. Then he grabbed his sword and banged it on the ground. He glanced at Archimegadon.
‘Has it stopped glowing?’ he asked, apparently still in a daze from the sound of his voice.
‘Yes, Neurion, it has,’ Archimegadon replied, cursing the brevity of Neurion’s silence.
Neurion sheathed the sword and blinked twice
more. Finally he looked awake. ‘I’m sorry about all that, Master Archimegadon. I didn’t mean all that to go wrong.’ He frowned. ‘How did I get here? For that matter, why does my head hurt? I can remember… uh…’ The paladin looked accusingly at Archimegadon. ‘Hey, you hit me in the stomach! And then my head…’
‘Well, you were trying to kill me, fool,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Perhaps next time you will try not to look at me as the target of whatever spell-casting you intend to do. Similarly, though he is contemptible, Obdo is not to be the target of any holy blade exercises, if they are that dangerous. Remember, we need him to carry that thing.’ He poked the Shadow’s head with the Staff of Antagules.
Neurion bowed his head. ‘Quite right, master. I will try to learn for future problems.’
‘If that Felick fellow shows up, perhaps you would demonstrate the holy sword on him,’ Archimegadon said. ‘I rather imagine that we could do with slicing him to pieces, considering that he and his thieves are our arch-enemies for the duration of this quest.’
‘You say that as though we could befriend them afterwards,’ Neurion said.
‘If the price is right,’ Archimegadon said.
Neurion’s brow furrowed. ‘I don’t think that’s right, master. We have a duty to the people of Aldrack. To join these thieves would be a betrayal.’
‘Bah to the people of Aldrack,’ Archimegadon said. ‘If they want the services of the great mage Archimegadon, then they will need to pay.’
‘You’re a strange person,’ Neurion said. ‘I thought you were wise.’
‘I am the only wise person in Valanthas,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Neurion, the best way to get by here is by making money. That’s what it all boils down to.’
‘No,’ Neurion said. ‘That isn’t right.’
‘Why don’t you have armour or a sword?’
‘Because thieves stole it,’ Neurion replied.
‘And why haven’t you replaced it?’
‘Because I don’t have enough money,’ Neurion replied unwillingly.
Archimegadon prodded Neurion with the Staff of Antagules. ‘And why did they steal your armour? Eh? Not to wear it, I imagine.’
‘Just because everyone deals in money, doesn’t mean it’s more important than anything else,’ Neurion said. ‘Pursuit of money is immoral. I and my order are sworn to save souls, not make money.’