Mage for Hire

by Jason Kenyon

  ‘Oh yes,’ Mesellanillian replied. ‘It’s all part of being bitter. You try perfecting how to grow mushrooms for fifty years.’

  ‘Look, Mr Sorcerer, we have to stop those thieves from destroying everything,’ Valia said. ‘Can’t you understand what we’re trying to do?’

  ‘Your founding father told me the same thing, you know,’ Mesellanillian replied. ‘Vortagenses, you know? Passed through here trying to “save” the world, the fool. Very powerful mage, not like novice boy here.’

  ‘You mean Neurion?’ Archimegadon asked.

  ‘Will it make you feel better if I say yes?’

  ‘Not any more,’ Archimegadon replied.

  ‘No, Vortagenses had a real staff,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘That thing you’re holding is a toy. Ooh, he broke right through my trap too, the swine. Took me years to devise that spell, and he just broke it like that. Nobody else has managed it, though. I don’t somehow think that you lot will be the next to do it.’

  ‘We could try,’ Neurion said, his pride at stake.

  ‘Don’t incite him,’ Valia said. ‘This spell of yours… does it take long to cast?’

  Mesellanillian pursed his lips. ‘Well, here’s the bind. You see, I sort of like you, despite your appalling rudeness and total incompetence – yes, you too, knight – and I sympathise with your quest. Those thieves need to be taught a lesson.

  ‘The trouble is, I already cast it.’

  Archimegadon stared at Mesellanillian for many angry seconds. ‘You bungling fool! I knew you were mad from the off!’

  ‘Now I’m glad I cast the spell,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘Fancy silent one too, no spell words! You should be impressed, not rude. But it’s time to say goodbye, adventurers. The spell won’t send you into Elgebra or anything, but it will make you go around in circles forever. But hey, that’s life, right?’

  Archimegadon shook his head. ‘Um, no. It isn’t.’

  ‘Oh. Well, I’m terribly sorry. Overreacted a bit, I suppose. Enjoy your wanderings.’

  ‘Thanks a bunch, old man,’ Valia said, giving Archimegadon an angry push. ‘Now we’ve got to work out this curse. I did tell you not to get us cursed.’

  ‘It was an accident!’ Archimegadon said.

  ‘You could stay here with me forever,’ Mesellanillian said. ‘Well, until you die. Not long by my standards.’

  ‘I’d rather rot,’ Archimegadon said.

  ‘Don’t be rude,’ Valia said.

  ‘You are stupid enough to be one of our gang, though,’ Obdo said. ‘I mean Mesellanillian, not you, Valia. You’re already part of our gang.’

  ‘I would not deign to follow you around,’ Mesellanillian said.

  ‘You just spent fifty years making a giant mushroom,’ Obdo said. ‘You don’t really have that far to fall.’

  The sorcerer clicked his fingers and exploded into sparkly light. The clearing fell silent, except for the stream, which continued its merry way through the forest.

  ‘Shall we see how far you can fall, then?’ Mesellanillian’s voice rang out.

  ‘I don’t think he appreciated your remark,’ Neurion said.

  ‘So how are we going to escape this trap?’ Valia asked.

  Archimegadon’s expression was grim. ‘Let’s go and find out, shall we?’

  Chapter Eleven: Forest Mazes

  ‘Whatever that sorcerer has cast, we will be able to undo it,’ Neurion said. ‘Imagine undergoing one of the trials that Vortagenses went through when he was founding Valanthas! Amazing, really. If we can get out we’ll be heroes!’

  ‘If we don’t get out we’ll be very bored,’ Obdo said. ‘Maybe we should stay put. At least there’s a house here. There should be a bed in there. That’ll be mine. You other three can live on the mushroom.’

  ‘Obdo, quiet,’ Archimegadon said. ‘However, the issue of this house is worth considering. Of course, that Mesellanillian character is presumably the one who lives there, so I rather doubt that we would be able to use the bed at all.’

  ‘Aren’t you all giving up a little quickly?’ Valia asked.

  ‘Not me,’ Neurion replied. ‘Master Archimegadon will have us out in a flash.’

  ‘He’s given up,’ Obdo said, nodding.

  ‘What we need to do is work out the trick behind this spell,’ Valia said. ‘Firstly, has he even cast the spell? It might just be a prank.’

  ‘Why would he say he cast a really powerful spell as a joke?’ Obdo asked.

  ‘He’s lived for a thousand-odd years by himself,’ Valia replied. ‘You can’t expect him to have a very well-developed sense of humour.’

  ‘Cursed magical fool,’ Archimegadon said. ‘He has crossed the wrong mage! Once we are out of this trap I will personally hunt him down and destroy him!’ He had no real intention of doing so, but for the moment it sounded very noble and avenger-like.

  ‘What was next on your list, Miss Harpy?’ Obdo asked.

  Valia slapped the back of his head. ‘If it is actually a powerful spell to prevent us from ever going anywhere, then we have to consider it from two angles. The way Mesellanillian put it, Vortagenses broke the spell with magic, but then again he might have meant that Vortagenses worked out some sort of way around the spell, and so escaped it.’

  ‘So it could be like a riddle?’ Neurion asked.

  ‘That counts us out,’ Obdo replied. ‘I don’t think we collectively have enough wits to come up with a bad pun.’

  ‘We could always bank on the theory that you three are so stupid that you’re actually clever,’ Valia said.

  ‘How does that work?’

  ‘Some crackpot philosopher in Felendras used to say it all the time,’ Valia replied. ‘I think he was trying to excuse himself.’

  ‘I’m going to have a nap in the house, I think,’ Archimegadon said. ‘You oafs work out the trick by the time I return.’

  ‘Oh no, Sir Mage, I’m going to catch forty winks too,’ Obdo said. ‘This is a job for paladins and knights.’

  ‘Let’s all go to Mesellanillian’s house,’ Valia said. ‘He doesn’t seem the brightest, so maybe he left a record of how Vortagenses foiled his spell.’

  ‘In a diary or something?’ Obdo asked.

  ‘Possibly,’ Valia replied.

  ‘That would have to be a pretty big diary,’ Neurion said.

  ‘Well, does anyone know their history?’ Valia asked. ‘All we need is the date when Vortagenses was founding Valanthas and we’ll be set.’

  ‘Mesellanillian didn’t actually say that Vortagenses was founding Valanthas when he passed through,’ Obdo said. ‘Just that it was Vortagenses. That gives us a period of about sixty or so years to check.’

  ‘Then we’d better get on with it,’ Archimegadon said. ‘Follow me, and try not to fall in the stream.’ He paused. ‘And Obdo, bring that chair.’

  ‘As you wish, milord,’ Obdo said, picking up the folded seat.

  They crossed a fairly insecure bridge that threatened to drop them two feet into the tiny stream, and Obdo nearly walked in since he was holding the chair right in the way of where he was heading. Luckily, Valia was able to tug him back on track.

  Mesellanillian’s home looked as though it had the potential to be very comfortable indeed, but it seemed that the sorcerer wasn’t the tidiest, nor was he the best craftsman. The various pieces of furniture that he had made by hand were dreadfully uncomfortable, and Archimegadon found that the folding chair from outside was the only successful bit of carving Mesellanillian had done. Valia, Neurion and Obdo checked around the room for any great tomes that could be diaries.

  ‘This place is a real dump,’ Valia said. ‘No wonder he’s bitter.’

  ‘Maybe he left a spell book somewhere,’ Neurion said. ‘That would surely include the spell he has cast on us. And even if it hasn’t, then we might get an idea of the themes and inspirations behind it from the spells in the book.’

  ‘What you suggest could take years of deep study to come up with,’ Archime
gadon said from his comfortable seat.

  ‘It might take that long,’ Neurion said, ‘but we may have no other option.’

  The mage rose to his feet. ‘Bah! Nonsense. This spell is nothing more than the suggestion of a mad old man. We’ll be out of here in no time. There probably isn’t a trap at all.’ He glared at the fireplace, which was cheerfully heating the house to extremes. ‘It’s awfully stuffy in here.’

  Archimegadon picked his way across the floor, which was full of all sorts of rubbish, some of which had been put there by the mage’s three companions in their search for any useful books. Finally reaching the door, Archimegadon opened it to let some air in. And shut it immediately.

  ‘What are you doing, Sir Mage?’ Obdo asked.

  ‘Nothing at all,’ Archimegadon replied, edging away from the door.

  ‘Open it, it’s boiling in here,’ Valia said. ‘We’ll die from roasting otherwise.’

  ‘I like the heat,’ Archimegadon said, folding his arms.

  Valia skipped through the rubbish and pushed Archimegadon aside. ‘Get out of the way. We need air in here.’

  She opened the door and gasped as the pine forest opened up before her. No clearing, no stream, no giant mushroom… just trees.

  ‘I think we might just be cursed,’ Valia said.

  ‘Thank you,’ Archimegadon said. ‘I hadn’t realised.’

  ‘For the benefit of the others,’ Valia said with a glare.

  ‘This poses no problem,’ Neurion said. ‘We already knew we were.’

  ‘Neurion, an entire forest has appeared outside!’ Archimegadon said. ‘Doesn’t that bother you?’

  ‘It’s magic,’ Neurion replied, shrugging. ‘We’ll just have to make do.’

  ‘I don’t think you fully appreciate the power behind magic of this sort,’ Archimegadon said. ‘This is… well, it is very clever, I have to say. Something like this would have taken years and years of careful spell-weaving! But this does mean that we have to overcome Mesellanillian’s curse. If you know how to, then please feel free to share your idea.’

  ‘Not yet, Master Archimegadon,’ Neurion said. ‘But don’t worry, I’ll find something useful in here.’

  ‘Just be sure you do,’ Archimegadon said. He wandered back over to the chair. ‘How is this search for books going anyway?’

  Neurion had his head deep in a particularly spacious cupboard, and his voice was muffled and echoed slightly as he responded. ‘I think that there’s a bunch of books in here, Master Archimegadon. Let me just see…’

  Neurion emerged, and he lugged out a pile of thick papers that had been tied together with string that was on the verge of collapse. Neurion dumped it on a table and blew over it, causing a hurricane of dust to whirl into the air. Valia waved it out of the way while Neurion sneezed, and leant over the pile.

  ‘Well, let’s see what you have here,’ she said. ‘This writing is terrible. Old man, you probably write like this. What do you make of it?’

  Archimegadon pushed her out of the way with the Staff of Antagules. ‘Silence, knave. While you are incorrect insofar as my handwriting is concerned, this is indeed illegible. However, I can make out some of it.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘I’m a little wary of touching this, though. It hasn’t been bound together very well.’

  ‘I guess that our thousand-year-old sorcerer is a little useless in some areas,’ Valia said. ‘I mean, he did spend fifty years growing a mushroom.’

  ‘Indeed,’ Archimegadon said, kneeling to get a closer look. ‘Let me see. Mesellanillian’s Book of Spells to Ensnare the Unwary Traveller. That should just about solve our problems, I think.’ He smiled. ‘The man really was senile.’

  Archimegadon opened the first page and the entire stack of papers burst into dust. What had been a hurricane of dust became a maelstrom, and Archimegadon, Neurion and Valia were forced to retreat to a safe distance. Obdo had dozed off and noticed none of this. The remains of the book flew out of the door or into the fireplace, and soon the air was clear.

  ‘Good work, mage,’ Valia said, scowling. ‘That was our solution, you idiot!’

  ‘Neurion pulled that thing out of the cupboard!’ Archimegadon said. ‘He must have weakened it! All I did was open one page!’

  ‘Never mind,’ Neurion said quickly. ‘It’s gone. There’s nothing we can do about it now.’

  ‘That’s precisely why I’m angry,’ Valia said.

  ‘Did you catch any words?’ Neurion asked.

  ‘The first page was blank,’ Archimegadon replied.

  ‘Great,’ Valia said. ‘More time wasted.’

  ‘That Mesellanillian is becoming an intense pain,’ Archimegadon said. ‘I’m going to check upstairs. Perhaps the loon kept his diaries close at hand, if he kept any at all. He strikes me as too lazy for such work.’

  ‘He wrote all that magic stuff,’ Valia said. ‘Now he’ll have to rewrite it, thanks to you.’

  ‘Good, I hope he dies from the ink fumes,’ Archimegadon said, taking a step up the staircase, and pondering to himself if such a fate was even possible.

  ‘Don’t bring the house down on our heads, mage,’ Valia called to him.

  ‘I am sorely tempted, knight.’

  Mesellanillian’s room was virtually unused, and various giant spiders had taken up residence there, filling all available space with cobwebs. The spiders gathered together and glared at Archimegadon with hundreds of dark little eyes. Archimegadon took one look at the upstairs and ventured back downstairs again.

  ‘There are giant spiders,’ he said.

  ‘Great,’ Valia said. ‘Just what we need. Well, no worries. I have my legendary glaive to deal with them.’

  ‘Oh, is it magical?’ Neurion asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Valia replied. She held it out for them to look at, and to Archimegadon’s eye it did indeed appear to have been lovingly crafted. The shaft had faint carvings of soldiers fighting intermixed with runes, while the blade had decorative (yet potentially impractical) patterns along the sharp edge. ‘It was used in one of the old founding wars of Valanthas. It’s called Uldraxios.’

  Archimegadon was getting a little irritated that there were all these impressive names being bandied about. Soon enough he would have to devise a greater name for himself, or he was going to fall behind. Then again, he could simply steal Uldraxios for himself.

  ‘You’re using a historical artefact to fight?’ Obdo asked, waking up suddenly and unsettling all the dust that come to rest on him. He sneezed.

  ‘It’s as sharp as the day it was forged,’ Valia replied. ‘Well, what does everyone think? Time to show these spiders how powerful we are as a group?’

  ‘How big are these giant spiders?’ Neurion asked.

  Archimegadon held his hand at about waist height.

  ‘Giant spiders?’ Obdo repeated. ‘What are you all going on about?’

  ‘If we want to search the upstairs bedroom, we are going to have to clear out the current residents,’ Archimegadon replied. ‘They happen to be large spiders.’

  ‘That’s going to get a little sticky,’ Obdo said, looking at his club. ‘There’ll be spider juices everywhere if I have to splat them with my club.’

  ‘That was a thought I didn’t really want to consider,’ Valia said. Neurion looked to have taken it rather worse, from the slight green shade he’d gone, though he made no comment on it.

  ‘Come on, we shall burn them down,’ Archimegadon said. ‘We are four adventurers! They cannot hope to defeat us!’

  Nobody decided to dispute this, but not out of faith in the statement. Archimegadon led from the back, since he needed to keep at a distance in order to cast spells without interruption. Or so he said, anyway. Neurion and Obdo were at the front, while Valia, wielding her long glaive, stuck herself in the middle. They ascended the stairs and took up positions in front of the web fortress.

  There was a moment of calm before the battle, in which the spiders and the companions sized up their foes. The spi
ders didn’t look all that impressed, but then they didn’t have the capacity to display any emotions, so from that perspective it was alright. However, the spiders were thinking that their opponents looked a little rubbish, which was a fair point really.

  Then battle was joined as Archimegadon fired off a flamebolt, which missed and burnt away a small portion of the web wall. Neurion started to cast his Spell of Holy Fury while Obdo splatted a spider and its gooey innards drenched everyone within a few feet. Valia, who was now dripping with ooze, slashed out irritably and took down another spider, while Neurion reached the closing stage of his spell and looked up.

  Unfortunately Obdo, who had lunged forward to strike a spider between its many eyes, was in the way, and Neurion’s sword lashed out at the Thug for Hire. Gathering his wits in a flash Neurion wrenched the sword so that he only struck Obdo with the flat of the blade, but it was powerful enough a strike to daze the farmhand.

  Obdo crashed to the ground as another flamebolt hit a spider full in the face and made it sneeze. Valia’s glaive slashed it apart moments later, while Neurion’s Holy Fury spell took him into the fray properly at last, and the sword sliced apart many an arachnid foe. Archimegadon divided his flamebolts between the webs and the spiders, not entirely by design, while Valia took up the duty of removing Obdo from the front lines. She leant him against the wall and turned back to the spiders.

  Neurion’s sword had now started spinning in circles, and, from what Archimegadon could make out on Neurion’s whirling face, the paladin was starting to feel a little ill. Spider goo was flying everywhere, but more and more spiders were emerging from the web fortress. Hundreds of tiny spiders started to drop from the ceiling all over Valia and Archimegadon.

  ‘Blaah!’ Valia said.

  ‘Aagh, retreat!’ Archimegadon said, turning tail and running.

  Valia offered no arguments on this point, grabbing Obdo and tugging him down the stairs. Neurion spun about for a few seconds and then the light around his sword died out. He stumbled this way and that and then reached the stairs. Valia and Archimegadon rushed back to get him and they caught him as he fell.