A Brit Player (Castle Calder Book 4)

by Brenda St John Brown

  Of course, I count.

  “The girl at the front desk thought you’d left for the day,” Max says.

  “I did. The place around the corner has really good coffee, so I went there before heading home. I meant to get cake, but I forgot.” I bite my lip. My urge to babble and fill the silence between us is almost overwhelming.

  “Flat white?” asks Max, nodding towards the cup in my hand.

  “Of course.” The blessing and the curse of knowing Max forever is that he knows so many intimate little details.

  “Do you mind if I walk with you?” Max asks.

  “No. That’s fine.” The last walk we took together didn’t go so well, but I don’t want to ask what he’s doing here right in front of my office. WS has big windows facing the street and it’s not every day Max Foster shows up at reception. I take a few steps and as Max falls into step beside me, I say, “Do you have a game in town?”

  “No, we’re at home on Monday night,” Max says.

  “So, what brings you to London?” I could probably be a little more tactful, but at least the question sounds casual.

  “I came to see you.” Max’s tone matches mine and if he notices my grip tighten on my coffee cup, he doesn’t mention it. He says, “I’ve had some time to think and I was hoping we could talk.”

  “Yes, of course. Do you want to walk and talk or…?” I let my voice trail off because as I say it, I realize I need to see Max’s face this time. “There’s a pub up ahead that’s usually pretty quiet.”

  “That sounds good. Can I buy you a vodka tonic?” Max asks, then he grins. “Or would you prefer strawberry Ribena?”

  “Haha. Why do you need to remember my dodgy drink choices? It was one night.” I manage to grin, too. Even though I’m not sure what’s happening here, the fact that we’re both smiling can’t be bad, right?

  “I remember everything about you, T.” Max shrugs and takes a step, glancing at me to see if I’m coming, too.

  I wait for him to say more. It feels like the kind of thing he’s going to follow up by saying that’s part of the problem. But he doesn’t.

  I utter a soft, “Yeah, same.” But we don’t speak again until we’re seated across from each other in a back booth at the Red Lion. We stopped at the bar on the way to our table – a vodka tonic for me and a pint of lager for Max – but I’m pretty sure the drinks are only a prop. I don’t think I could keep down a drink right now and I certainly don’t need the alcohol.

  The pub is quiet, except for some soft oldies music playing in the background. The tables have scratches in them and the lights are a little dimmer than they should be. There are a couple of people seated at the bar, but this place doesn’t have the ambience to draw the Friday happy hour crowd.

  “It’s a far cry from Prohibition, I know,” I say when I’ve stowed my bag under the table.

  “It reminds me of the place we used to pass walking home from school. The Cross Foxes or something like that. Remember?” Max picks up a coaster from the pile on the table and starts twirling it on the wooden top.

  “Sort of.” I nod.

  “Those walks were the best part of my day. It took me such a long time to get up the nerve to ask you out.” Max spins the coaster faster now. “I almost didn’t, you know. Will Freeman was the one who told me he thought you liked me. He said he saw you that night at the Library and said I was the reason you got drunk.”

  “Pretty much.” I nod, but I feel my thighs clench under the table. I’m not sure why Max is walking down Memory Lane and I’m less sure that I like it.

  “I didn’t know.” Max says it like it’s an apology. “I’m not very good at seeing what’s right in front of me.”

  “Well, to be fair, I thought you’d friend-zoned me, so I was determined that you’d never know. Our friendship was important to me and I didn’t want to ruin it.”

  “Do you ever wish we’d stayed just friends? That we never got involved?” Max asks.

  His tone is easy enough, but his shoulders hunch and instead of spinning the coaster, he holds it tightly enough between his thumb and forefinger that his nail turns white from the pressure.

  “No. I’ve never wished that.” I shake my head slowly.

  “Even after everything you went through?” Max’s jaw ticks. He glances up at me and then back down at the coaster in his hand.

  I channel my inner Allison. I’m not sure I have an inner Allison, but I want to try to channel her anyway because this is important. “It was hard. I can’t lie about that. Do I wish the pregnancy and miscarriage never happened? Of course I do. But do I wish you away because of it? I can’t do that.”

  “How do you forgive me, though?”

  “Oh, Max. It’s never been about forgiving you.” I put my hand on the table between us. I’m not sure if reaching for him is a good idea, but I can’t not do it. “It’s about forgiving myself.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. It’s not like you got pregnant alone, but you had to deal with it all on your own.” Max gives his head a sharp shake. “I know you had Rina, but it’s not the same as me being there for you.”

  I take a deep breath in and this time I channel my inner Allison without hesitation. “Not many people talk about miscarriage and even fewer people talk about miscarriage as a result of an accidental teen pregnancy. If they are talking about it, it’s to say it’s a blessing, right? And it is in some ways. But there’s still the guilt. Wondering what you did wrong and what caused it.”

  “Couldn’t it have been the stress of it all?”

  “Maybe. But it could have a million other things, too.” This time I do reach out my hand and put it on Max’s forearm. “If you were there, the chances of the exact same thing happening is very high. I asked the nurse when I went for a check-up and she said there was a chance the fetus had a chromosomal abnormality. Apparently, that’s very common. But there are a lot of things that contribute to miscarriage, and sometimes you never really know why it happened. That’s one of the things that make it so difficult.”

  “When you told me, I was so mad. At you. At me. At the choices I made that meant I wasn’t there for you. I know it was a lifetime ago, but how do you not see that every time you look at me?” Max bites his lip.

  “Is that all you see when you look at me?” My voice is so soft that George Michael in the background nearly drowns it out. ‘Gotta have faith’ is more than a refrain right now. It’s a mantra.

  “I don’t know what I see when I look at you, T.” Max pauses long enough for my stomach to fill with concrete. But then he looks up and says, “Mostly, I see my heart walking around outside my body, if you want the truth. I see the girl I fell in love with walking home from school turn into the woman I’ve never stopped loving. I don’t know if I’ve blown it with you and I have no one to blame but myself if I have. But I needed to see you again to tell you I’m sorry. I walked away from you for football all those years ago and two weeks ago I walked away again because my head was stuck too far up my own arse to hear what you were telling me. I know I don’t deserve a third chance, but I promise, if you give me one, I’ll do whatever it takes to be there for you.”

  Max stops talking and I don’t realize tears are rolling down my face until one splashes on my hand on the table in front of me. Max’s eyes are shiny too, but he makes no move to touch me, despite my hand still gripping his arm. I know he’s waiting for me to say something, but the lump in my throat is the size of a football right now. As much as I want to jump into his arms and let the chips fall where they may, I can’t. Not yet.

  Finally, I squeeze his arm and say, “I’ve had a lot of time to come to terms with this. You’ve had two weeks. If we’re going to make it this time, you need to promise me that we’ll go to counselling together. It’s helped me a lot and it can only make us stronger. It will be hard to figure it out around our schedules, but it’s really important to me.”

  “Done.” Max lays a hand over mine on his arm.

  “Also
, I’m wary of putting this out there for public consumption too soon. I want to keep you to myself for a while.” I manage a watery smile.

  “Also done.” Max squeezes my hand.

  “And if you could get Rina tickets to a Norcastle game, she’d be pretty excited.” This time my smile is steadier.

  So is Max’s. “No problem. Anything else?”

  “Well…” I shrug and my smile is wide now. “Maybe we could go back to mine and get reacquainted a bit?”

  “We can do that.” Max pauses. “On one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Let’s have a wander back. I want to hear everything that’s been going on with you, and once we’re alone I doubt we’re going to be doing much talking.” Max raises an eyebrow at me.

  “Oh, really?” I feel my lips twist in a smile. “What are we going to be doing?”

  “Making up for lost time, I hope. You tell me.”

  “That sounds perfect.” I get up from my seat and go to Max’s side of the table.

  He reaches and pulls me down on his lap. “You are perfect.”

  “I’m not.” I shake my head. “We’re not, but that’s okay. We don’t have to be perfect to be perfect for each other.”

  “I love you.” Max’s expression is the softest I’ve ever seen it.

  “I love you too.” I lean down and kiss him gently on the lips.

  “What do you say we get out of here?” Max lets out a contented sigh, then grins at me. “Do you really want to walk?”

  “It was your idea.” I grin back at him before jumping off his lap. “But I have the Uber app and I know how to use it.”

  “Thank God.” Max gets up from his chair and follows me towards the door. “You know I still want to hear everything that’s going on with you, though, right?”

  “Don’t worry.” I pull my phone from my bag and click on the app. “We have all the time in the world.”

  And for the first time ever, I feel like we do.

  Epilogue

  “Do you think I should wear a tie?” Max calls to me in the bathroom where I’m doing my make-up.

  “Only if you want to,” I say as I finish brushing mascara on my lashes. I put the wand down and close my eyes, waving my hands in front of them to dry the mascara. There’s a ninety percent chance of happy tears tonight and I want to make sure my waterproof mascara is up to the task.

  When I open my eyes, Max is leaning against the doorframe, grinning at me. “What are you doing? Do I want to know?”

  “Probably not.” I grin back at him in the mirror, then turn on my heel to face him, wriggling my eyebrows. “You look great. If we weren’t going to a thing for my best friend and my boss, I’d suggest we stay home so I can ravish you again.”

  “Not if I ravish you first.” Max places his hands gently on my hips and bends down to kiss me softly on my lips. “But you’re right. We have to go.”

  “It will be fun. I’m glad you’re able to be here.” Of all the things Max and I have had to negotiate these past several weeks, scheduling has been one of the biggest. Living in different cities is a challenge, but at least we’re in the same country.

  “I’m glad too, and I’m doubly glad I don’t have to leave until Monday. Then it’s only three nights before you’re up in Norcastle.”

  “And the Santa Dash is only a week after that, and I’ll be in Norcastle again.” I grin because even though I hate the prospect of running, never mind running dressed in a too-big Santa suit, I love that Castle Calder is so close to Norcastle.

  “It’s almost like you should move in, you’re there so much.” Max quirks an eyebrow and his smile grows.

  “Be careful what you wish for. I have an in with the boss who might be willing to help me talk him into a flexible work arrangement.” I laugh and slip out of his embrace. “Although my in might be a lot less inclined to help if we miss his engagement party.”

  “Let’s keep him on our good side then, shall we?” Max follows and helps me on with my coat before donning his own. It’s freezing out tonight so I’m wearing silver boots and black velvet trousers. The camisole top – white with silver threaded through it – exposes enough skin that I shiver with pleasure when Max’s fingertips brush my skin, but I have to ignore it. We’re already late enough.

  Thank God our Uber driver knows the fastest way to Scarlett and Bradley’s flat. Yes, it’s untraditional of them to host their own engagement party, but as Scarlett said, nothing about their relationship has been traditional, so why start now? Her parents are also throwing her a small party before the Santa Dash in a couple weeks and that one will undoubtedly be posh. This one? This one will just be fun.

  As evidenced by the music blasting when we walk in the door. Bradley has neighbors, but either they’re invited or they don’t care because there’s no way anyone in his block of flats is unaware that there’s a party going on.

  “In case you can’t hear at the end of the night, I love you,” I say, my lips grazing Max’s ear.

  “I love you, too.” Max kisses the side of my head and his arm goes around my shoulder as we head into the fray.

  There are way more people here than I thought there would be and it’s not long before Max and I get separated. He stops to talk football with Bradley and Gemma pulls me into the kitchen where the music isn’t so loud.

  “I can’t believe you brought Max. Is this your official debut as a couple?” Gemma asks, gripping my arm. “I know it’s a private party, but still. Max Foster.”

  “I guess?” I shrug and take a glass of wine from a waiter passing with a tray of refills. Max and I have kept our relationship quiet while we’ve been figuring it out and, even though it’s still a work in progress, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m okay with a cheeky photograph being taken or a mention on Twitter. I say that because it hasn’t happened yet, but the more secure I feel with Max, the more I think I can handle it.

  “I’m so glad you two are happy.” Gemma squeezes my arm again.

  “Me too. Speaking of happy, did you bring Oliver?” I look around, but I don’t see his ginger hair.

  “No. He had plans tonight.” Gemma makes a face, but then smiles. “But he is coming to the Santa Dash with me, so that’s something, right?”

  “The couple that dashes together stays together.” I grin even though Max can’t come because of training.

  “Ah, but first you have to be a couple.” Gemma sighs.

  I don’t get to respond because Scarlett wraps an arm around me from behind and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “You made it! Thank you so much for coming.”

  I turn and give her a one-armed embrace as Gemma turns to talk to the woman next to her. “As if I could miss it. You look stunning, as always.”

  Scarlett is wearing a shimmery gold jumpsuit with wide legs and a high halter neckline. Her hair is piled up on top of her head and she wears no jewelry except for the gorgeous engagement ring Bradley gave her in the Maldives. In typical Scarlett fashion, it’s atypical – an emerald-cut yellow sapphire surrounded by diamonds in a platinum band. Scarlett says she’s only taken it off once since Bradley put it on her finger during a candlelight dinner on the beach. I don’t blame her. If it were mine, I wouldn’t take it off either.

  “Thank you. Is Max here? I didn’t see him,” Scarlett says.

  “He’s talking team stats with your fiancée, I think?”

  Scarlett makes a face. “You’re a saint for putting up with that, you know.”

  “There are worse things to talk about.” I give a half-hearted grimace. “Trust me.”

  “I know.” Scarlett’s expression turns serious and she grips my shoulders. “I’m proud of you, you know, and I hope you’re proud of yourself. You did a hard thing and coming out the other side of it is no small feat.”

  “Allison is a godsend. Do you know she’s met with us over Zoom when we can’t both be in London? She’s amazing.”

  “Don’t sell yourself short,” says Scarlett with
a scowl. “You’re amazing, too.”

  “I’m not. It’s hard, but it’s worth it, you know?” I shrug and I feel a sappy smile forming. “Max is the guy. He’s always been the guy.”

  “What guy?” says Max from behind me.

  I turn around with a smile and slip my arm around his waist. “You know, the guy.”

  Max furrows his brow and Scarlett says, “The one, Max. Like Bradley and me. Yin and Yang. Yoko and John. Meghan and Harry. You know. The. One.”

  “Am I?” Max furrows his brow harder and looks down at me. “Really?”

  Not that long ago I would have felt wary saying this, especially to the guy himself. But now I nod and say, “Yep. All true.”

  Max’s smile takes over his face. “I’ve never heard you say that before.”

  “Then you either haven’t been listening or I’ve been doing a rubbish job at telling you who you are to me.” I bite my lip. “But yeah, you’re it for me. You always have been.”

  “You know, it’s probably bad form to get engaged at someone else’s engagement party, but I’d make an exception for you two. Just saying,” says Scarlett.

  Max and I both laugh, but he’s the one who answers. “Nah. Tonight’s all yours.” Then he turns to me and, squeezing my hand, says, “But that flexible working arrangement we were talking about earlier? We need to find out what that can look like, preferably sooner than later.”

  “Oh? Why’s that?” I grin up at him.

  “Because you’ve been the one for twelve years and I was only playing it cool until I thought you were ready.” Max’s expression turns serious. “It sounds like maybe I don’t have to play it so cool after all.”

  “That’s what it sounds like to me, too.” I wait to feel the heart pounding or stomach clenching I’m used to, but I don’t. I don’t feel anything except pure joy. “If it’s about you and me, I’m ready. For anything.”

  “Same.” Max leans down and kisses me softly. “I love you, T, and I’m yours. I’ve always been yours.”