Undercover: An Out of Line Novel

by McLaughlin, Jennifer

  “Please.” I picked up my coffee. “She didn’t need to tell me.”

  “So I told you. Great.” He rubbed his jaw. “Now I do have something to be miserable about because she’s going to fucking kill me. You know she likes keeping it to herself ever since…”

  Ever since the time she’d been shot, almost died, and lost their unborn child? Yeah. I remembered that all too well. “I won’t say anything.”

  “You can.” He sighed. “I’ll probably tell her the second I see her. I can’t keep secrets from her.”

  “How do you guys do it?” I asked, running my fingers over the smooth porcelain of my coffee mug slowly.

  “Do what?” he asked, those blue eyes pinning me down again.

  I set the mug down and spun it on the table in a slow circle, watching to be sure it didn’t slosh over the sides. The brew was dark, like my soul was right now. “Remain together, in love, and just so… so grossly happy?”

  “We’ve had our moments where we weren’t, you know that better than anyone else.”

  “But even then, you loved each other so much you pulled through, despite all the odds against you.” My throat threatened to close, and I blinked rapidly. Not again. No more crying. “I thought maybe I could have that, but I don’t think I’m the kind of girl that inspires that kind of devotion. Not like Carrie does, anyway.”

  “That’s not true,” Finn said, covering my hand with his and halting my nervous motions. “You’re amazing, and you know it.”

  The thing was, I didn’t. Never had. Never would.

  I shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

  “Who did this? Who broke you? I’ve never seen you so down like this before,” he said, his voice hard. “Give me a name, and I’ll kill him.”

  “No one did anything to me…except for myself.” I finally looked at him. “I reached for something I shouldn’t have, and I fell hard.”

  Finn hesitated. “Is this about…?”

  “Hey, guys,” a voice I knew as well as my own said from behind me.

  “Speaking of the devil,” Finn muttered.

  God, did everyone know where I was this morning? Couldn’t a girl have a bit of peace over her musings of popped bubbles and broken hearts?

  “You still look like shit, dude,” Finn said, sliding his chair over and making room for Joseph to join us. Yay.

  I stared down at my coffee, heart thudding and breaking all over again.

  “Yeah, I had a rough night.”

  Finn made a sound. “You’re not the only one. Marie had her heart broken by some dickhead. I’m trying to get his name from her.”

  “I…see,” Joseph said.

  He pulled a chair over and straddled it backward like a high school boy. It should have looked utterly ridiculous since he was a grown man wearing a pinstripe suit and a pair of black leather dress shoes, but Joseph somehow managed to make it look sexy.

  I shook my head. “My heart is just fine, I assure you both. I know better than to give it to boys who don’t want it.”

  “Marie—” Joseph started, watching me way too closely.

  “Enough about me.” Glancing at him quickly, I offered him a big smile. No way I’d let him know how much he hurt me, or that I’d cried myself to sleep last night, and woken up with my cheeks still wet. I’d promised him we’d be fine after this was over, and I intended to keep my promise. The group would remain intact, even if it killed me. “You had a rough night, huh?”

  Joseph frowned. “Yeah. Drank too much.”

  “Happens to the best of us,” I announced cheerily.

  After all, Finn was watching.

  I went back to searching for any lone surviving bubbles in my coffee.

  “Oh, by the way, he wasn’t arrested,” Joseph said, his voice strangled.

  That caught my attention. “Pierre Rasco?”

  Joseph nodded. “They didn’t find any evidence of anything illegal on his computer. Maybe he was smart enough to get rid of the files before I got to him.”

  I shrugged. “Who knows? Most men aren’t very smart, so…”

  Finn snorted and stood up. “Ah. There’s my girl.”

  Carrie walked in. She looked flushed and as pretty as ever in her pencil skirt and dress blouse. Her stomach was still flat so she couldn’t be too far along. Would I ever get to know how it felt to have a life growing inside of me? To be so in love with a man who loved me as much as I loved him in return that the idea of having a life inside of me didn’t scare the crap out of me?

  “If you’ll excuse me?” Finn said.

  Joseph nodded.

  Finn glanced at him. “You heading out?”

  “Nah, man.” He looked at me. “I’ll keep Marie company for a bit.”

  Crap. That meant he wanted to talk. Well, guess what? It was my turn to not want to talk. I stood immediately. “No need. I’m leaving, too.”

  “You haven’t touched your coffee yet,” Finn pointed out, his brow raising.

  Great. I’d made him suspicious.

  That’s the last thing we needed.

  “R-Right.” I sat back down. “Silly me.”

  “You really need some sleep…” Finn shook his head and walked toward the door.

  Carrie hugged him, waved at us, and then started toward our table. I was relieved for two-point-two seconds, but then Finn ruined it all by tugging her in the other direction. She argued at first, looking at me with worried eyes, but then she let him lead her toward the table on the other side of the shop. As they walked, Finn spoke into her ear, and she looked over her shoulder at us.

  I waved enthusiastically, smiling like an idiot.

  Joseph just kept staring at me.

  “Stop it,” I ordered him from between clenched teeth.

  He shook himself slightly and tapped his foot on the linoleum floor. Half the women in the coffee shop were checking him out. The other half couldn’t see him because their backs were to him. “Stop what?”

  “Looking at me like that. You’ll tip them off.”

  They settled down in the corner with their eyes on us. “I think your desire to get away from me will tip them off more.”

  “I always wanted to get away from you before we…you know. That’s nothing new.”

  He winced. “Touché.”

  I shrugged.

  “Look, I’m sorry about last night.”

  Again, I shrugged. My shoulder was starting to get sore. “It’s whatever.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Seriously, Joseph, I was just—”

  He growled. “If you tell me one more time that you’re not upset, I’ll fucking pick you up right here in front of everyone, and kiss you until you admit to Finn that I was the asshole from last night.”

  I blinked in surprise because he’d lost his cool. Joseph never lost his cool…until last night, anyway. He’d seemed pretty heated then, too. “I’m pretty sure you lost the right to kiss me when you told me to leave you alone—whether it be alone or in public.”

  “You’re right, I did,” he said, squaring his jaw. “I was really drunk. That’s no excuse, but please know I’d never intentionally do something to hurt you.”

  Funny, because he’d done the one thing that could. “You didn’t. I’m fine. I just needed to sleep on it to see that you’re right, and we shouldn’t be together now that we’re back. It’s just asking for trouble neither of us wants.”

  He hesitated, reaching out to touch me, then pulling back. “Marie…”

  “Don’t worry, our little circle of friends will be fine.”

  “That’s not…” He shook his head and glanced at our best friends before giving me his full attention again. “I never said that you were trouble I didn’t want.”

  “Funny, because last night you said—”

  “I said a lot of shit last night.” He ran his hands down his face. “I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was saying.”

  “I think real honesty comes out when you’re drunk, and you knew exactly
what you were saying and why.”

  Leveling his gaze on me, he let out a loud breath. “I doubt that because if I was being honest, I would have told you that I wasn’t expecting to get a family in one day. If I was being honest, I would have said that I’m not a single guy looking for a fun weekend to forget anymore. If I was being honest, I also would have told you that with you… I never fucking was.”

  I started spinning my coffee in circles again. I couldn’t help it, when I was nervous, I couldn’t sit still. I glanced at Finn and Carrie. Instead of talking, they were staring at us—until they noticed me looking, anyway. Then they got immensely interested in the people outside the glass window to their left. “They’re watching us.”

  He made an annoyed sound. “Let them. I don’t give a damn.”

  “Whatever.” I shrugged again. “Look. You don’t have to explain anything or try to make me feel better. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. The group is fine. I—”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not fucking fine, okay?” He gripped the back of the chair so tight it was amazing the metal didn’t snap. “And, again, if I’m being honest, I was never fine with you wanting to keep us a secret, either. What the hell was there to hide? Were you ashamed of me? Of us?”

  Startled, I looked at him. Really looked at him.

  He looked exhausted, alone, hurt.

  “What? No.” My chest ached. “Joseph—”

  “And I really am sorry for being a dick last night,” he interrupted. “I’m not looking for you to forgive me, or even asking for a second chance, but when you showed up, and I was drunk like that, I panicked that I would ruin everything, so I tried to chase you off before I could. In doing so, I did exactly what I didn’t want to do. I ruined everything.”

  “First of all, I wasn’t ashamed of you, or us. I was just…I just wanted to keep what we had safe, hide it away from the world. Because in my experience, the world has a way of ruining shiny things and you’re the shiniest thing I’ve ever held in my life.”

  He swallowed. “Guess you didn’t need to hide it from the world to protect it, because we were under attack from within the whole time.”

  “No, we weren’t.” I shook my head. “You didn’t want me there. I should have listened.”

  “I didn’t want you there because I wanted you there.”

  I cocked my head. “What?”

  “I’m going to say something I should have said years ago.” He tapped his other foot now. “I wanted to be with you ever since the second I met you. You were wearing a red dress, and you stood outside the dorm with the wind blowing your long blonde hair, the lights catching the brighter parts as you shoved it out of your face impatiently. All the boys stared at you, myself included, and I thought—that’s the kind of girl I want at my side. Pretty and blonde. Later on, when I actually spoke to you, and you made me laugh at a time when I didn’t really laugh, my thoughts changed from wanting to marry a girl who looked like you, to wanting it to be you. So, when I finally got to be with you at that hotel, I wanted to shout it out to the world.”

  I swallowed hard. “I never meant to—”

  He reached for my chin. “I know. I—” He glanced at our audience and dropped his hand to the table instead. “I do.” He flexed his jaw. “But you’re the one, Marie. The one I always thought I could be happy with, the one I wanted to be happy with. The one I was waiting for.”

  I remained silent, mostly because I wasn’t sure what to say.

  Or where he was going with this.

  It was either a preamble before he asked me to think about giving him another chance, or the sweetest breakup speech I’d ever heard. Either way, I wasn’t responding until I knew.

  I’d already made a fool out of myself for him once.

  Pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes, he continued. “You’re everything I want to be. Kind, generous, sweet, smart, successful, beautiful, too good for me—”

  I shook my head. “I’m not—”

  “—and completely unable to take a compliment,” he said flatly.

  I slammed my mouth shut.

  “I know you don’t want to be with a man who has two sisters. They’re my responsibility now, like my children, teenaged ones at that, and this is the furthest from simple that you can possibly get. I know I ruined it all by proving to you that I’m as big of an asshole as all the other losers you’ve dated in the past. I also know there’s someone out there who will treat you like the motherfucking princess you are, and when you meet him I’ll be both happy and brokenhearted because you deserve to be happy but damn it, I’ll always love you—and I loved you first.” He fisted his hand on the table. “That’s right. You heard me. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I love you more than I ever thought possible, and it kills me because I know if I hadn’t fucked up…we could have had it all.”

  I was speechless. Utterly, completely speechless.

  Joseph loved me. Me.

  He stood and walked off.

  For a second, I almost let him go.

  That’s how stunned I was.

  Here I thought that he just wasn’t into me, and he was wallowing away with what he thought was unrequited love, and just as scared at messing everything up as I had been.

  He loved me.

  Joseph Hernandez loved me.

  A slow smile spread across my face as tears blurred my vision…but then I realized he was almost out the door, and I lurched to my feet because he couldn’t leave me.

  Not now. Not ever.

  Heart pounding, full with joy, legs trembling, laced with nerves, I called out: “Why do you say we could’ve had it all?”

  23

  Hernandez

  I froze at the sound of her voice and came back to life at her words. Before I turned, I caught eyes with Carrie, who smirked because she just won the goddamn bet and she knew it. I couldn’t bring myself to care. “Because we could’ve.”

  “Why the past tense, though?”

  I flexed my jaw. “Because things changed. I have my sisters—”

  “Did your feelings change?” she asked, taking a step closer to me.

  She looked so beautiful, her hair catching the lights overhead like it had on the day I’d met her. From that point on, as cliché as it might sound, my life had never been the same. She’d always been there, in the back of my mind, no matter how many women I brought home in an attempt to push her out. Now I knew it was impossible to do so. She’d never left because I loved her—I’d loved her all along. I could hear Finn’s voice in my head now, saying “No shit, Sherlock” like he always did, and he was right. No fucking shit, Sherlock. You loved the girl.

  I took a step toward her, my throat tight and my chest tighter. “No, my feelings haven’t changed.”

  “Did you ever consider asking me if I mind that you have a family?” she asked slowly, taking another step toward me. Only about three more steps separated me from my dream come true—three little steps and three little words.

  I shook my head once. “You want simple.”

  “Wanted. Past tense.” She bit her lip. “Maybe my feelings have changed.”

  “Have they changed?” I took a small step. All eyes were on us, but none more so than the two dorks behind me who were about to have their dreams come true, too.

  “Oh, some have changed a lot,” she said, a small smile playing on her lips. It was then that I could breathe again, because if she was smiling… “And some haven’t changed at all.”

  “Which ones?”

  “Well, I definitely prefer a more…complex kind of man now. One who can make me laugh until I cry, and cry until I laugh, and everything in between. One who can be silly when I’m about to crack, but take down a bad guy with a blink of an eye if necessary.”

  I rubbed my jaw. “I know a few guys like that.”

  “Yeah?” She took the next step. “Me too. I really like one of them.”

  “He likes you, too, I bet.”

  “You think? Maybe you could hook
us up?”

  I laughed. “You free tonight? He promises not to drink too much and be an ass, if you’ll wear that dress again.”

  “Hmm…” She pretended to think. “Yeah. I think I could make that happen.”

  I sobered, locking eyes with her. “It’s not going to be easy. Meggie’s got it out for me, and by association…you, too. She’ll be sullen. Mean. Cry a lot. Yell a lot. It’s not going to be fun.”

  “I know.” She played with her fingers. “But I’ve been there before, not with the loss, of course, but with the emotions, and hormones, and helplessness. I know how it is. If she lets me, maybe I can help.”

  “I don’t know if she will,” I admitted honestly. “She blames me…and she’s not wrong. I left, and I didn’t come back in time to help. She’s the one who had to call 911, and she’ll never forgive me. I might never forgive myself.”

  She crossed the last step between us, cupping my cheeks and shaking her head, tears swimming in her eyes. “Don’t say that. This wasn’t your fault. Whether you were home or gone, it would have happened. You couldn’t have stopped it.”

  I took a deep breath, wanting to believe her but not quite able to. “But I could have been there for her, could have spared her the pain of being the one to find her—”

  “You’re there for her now.” She rose on her tiptoes, and I lowered my forehead to hers. Behind us, I heard Carrie let out a yelp, and Finn shush her. “And I will be too because one thing hasn’t changed.”

  My heart twisted painfully, but it felt so damn good. “Yeah?”

  She trailed her fingertips through my stubble. “I love you, Joseph Hernandez, and I want to be complicated with you, and only you.”

  It was as if my heart sped up and stopped all at the same time, and I let out a whoosh of air that was almost a cry. Closing my arms around her, I tugged her against my chest and lowered my mouth to hers. I stopped just short of kissing her, grinning. “They’re about to lose their shit.”

  A small laugh escaped her. “Oh, Pookie, they already have.”

  “If you call me that one more—”

  She kissed me into silence, and I closed my eyes, the world never feeling more perfect or right as it did right now, with my girl in my arms, and the crowd around us literally erupting with cheers. I laughed against her mouth, and she clung to me, joining in.