Trusted (Club Indigo Book 2)

by Karen Nappa

  "Agreed. I've got a two-hour slot available now. Regular sessions are an hour, but I like to start with a longer one to get as much out there as possible so we can make a solid plan for moving forward."

  "Fine. Let's get this over with. I need to make a couple of calls. Where's your office? I'll meet you there as soon as I've rearranged a couple of things."

  "Just around the corner and upstairs. It's the Lighthouse Clinic. Just ask at the desk for my office."

  "Wait a sec. How much is this going to cost?"

  "The first session is free. For the rest, it depends on your insurance. If I'm not in your network, we can work something out. I take some cash patients at a discounted rate."

  "Okay. If you're as good as Jim Cagney says, I guess it will be worth it.

  "I hope so. See you in a few."

  Connor took care of the check for lunch and canceled his client appointments for the afternoon. He found the clinic office and was presented with insurance paperwork before he was five steps in the door.

  "Dr. Lyons is expecting you. You can give us the paperwork on your way out. He's in Room E on the left," the secretary told him.

  Connor took the clipboard with the papers and went looking for Bob's office. He passed two waiting areas with comfortable looking furniture. He found Room E with the door standing open. It put Connor in mind of a lion's den. Regardless, he was going to brave it. He wasn't a Carmichael for nothing. Let it never be said he had avoided a challenge.

  Bob waited inside, working on some paperwork at his desk. Beyond were two armchairs and a comfortable looking sofa. "Sit wherever you like. I just need to finish this before I forget about it."

  Connor took the far chair that gave him a clear view of the door. The situation had put him on military alert and he didn't want to chance someone sneaking up on him. He looked down at the clipboard and pulled his wallet out for his insurance information. He got to the end of the insurance form and then faced two more pages asking for his medical history. "Is all this really necessary? We're just going to talk, right?"

  "Legal requirements. Sorry. You can take the medical stuff home and bring it back next time. Give me the insurance form now, and I'll have one of the secretaries find out about your coverage."

  When Bob came back, Connor was pacing the short distance between the side walls. "Are you doing okay?"

  "Not really. This all seemed easier in the restaurant. Up here, with all this paperwork and this office, it puts me in mind of after action reports and boards of inquiry. I've had too many of those over the years."

  "Understood. Why don't you have a seat and talk about some of those reports?"

  "If you say so."

  Two hours later, Connor felt like a limp dishrag. "Am I going to feel like this after every session?"

  "Probably not, but sometimes, yes. This is hard work, but I think we both have a handle on the work to be done now. The first issue I see is your guilt over the injuries and loss of your men. You also have some anger from all the violence you've had to defend from and inflict. Both of these are normal responses. You're very lucky that you escaped PTSD and the worst overt expression of your problems is your nightmares."

  "When you put it like that, I guess things don't seem so impossible to solve."

  "Your third issue is your difficulty in sharing your problems with Suzie. Agreed?"

  "Yes, that sounds about right. I don't want to expose her to all the horrors of war. Civilians don't really understand, anyway. Well, present company excepted. You see to have a good feel for things."

  "I'm not a civilian. I enlisted in 2002, but I was hit by an IED in Kandahar province, my second week in Afghanistan. I had my helmet off and got a skull fracture and some brain damage. These days, they're calling it traumatic brain injury and you don't have to crack your skull to get it. I was out six months after I enlisted, all because of my own stupidity."

  "After all I've seen, I'd call that good luck."

  "It didn't seem that way at the time. While I was healing, I got interested in how the brain works and ended up in Clinical Psychology. Now, about Suzie. I think you're likely underestimating her. She may not understand the nuances of after action reports and boards of inquiry, but she can certainly understand your feelings, especially if you love each other."

  "I hope you're right, Bob. I'm not sure what I'll do if she doesn't forgive me."

  "Don't go there. You've taken a big step today, but we're way over time now. It's a good thing my three o'clock canceled. Let's set up another appointment, and then we can check on your insurance coverage."

  Connor left a few minutes later with a regular spot on Bob's schedule and relief that his insurance would cover the therapy with a co-pay of only $40 on his part.

  Chapter 19

  " M om, is it because of me?" Tim's voice had changed in the past year, growing deeper and more manly, but now he sounded like her little boy again.

  "What is, honey?" Suzie replied.

  "That Mr. Connor isn't coming over anymore." Tim's head was angled down and he held his hands to his mouth, his right hand in a tight fist and his left hand on top holding it.

  It broke Suzie's heart to see him this insecure, but maybe she could remedy that. "No, Tim, don't think that." She collected her thoughts. How to explain. "Connor and I broke up, because I felt I couldn't rely on him."

  Tim lifted his eyes and his eyebrows rose. "He seemed pretty solid to me. Kind of like Uncle James, actually." His cheeks blushed slightly, and he looked away again. "I-I don't know. I don't get this relationship stuff." He looked back up again, lifting his head from his hands. "But Aunt Laura and Uncle James are happy, and so are Grandfather and Grandmother Mary," he mused. "You were happy. I didn't realize it before, but now I can see you were."

  To Suzie's surprise, Tim stepped up to her and hugged her. She hugged him back. When had her boy become taller than she was?

  Suzie didn't know how long she had been standing there, enjoying the rare embrace she got from her son. Finally, Tim pulled back and started to walk away. Right before he reached the door, he turned back to her and told her, "You should make up with the guy. He makes you happy. Abby would love to have him as a father, and I could really use some help with my math." Tim exited the room, leaving Suzie reeling. Did her son actually miss Connor?

  Suzie mulled over her interaction with Tim for a moment. She had been frustrated lately. It wasn't just missing Connor. She hadn't realized how much he had done in and around the house until he stopped being there. Doing chores wasn't really the point, though. She wanted someone to argue over the remote control, to discuss her day, and to share her life with. She regretted the loss of him in bed. She missed his pleasure and craved his pain. But did it all balance against his secrecy? How could she trust a man who wouldn't let her in? Who, apparently, didn't trust her? Suzie admitted to herself that this hurt the most and not in a sexy way. Great, now she was thinking like a masochist.

  Suzie took her cellphone from her purse and pulled up her contacts. She hesitated a moment before selecting the number and pressed the phone to her ear.

  He answered right away, "Suzie, what can I do for you?"

  "Er, hi, James, could you all stay over at my place tonight?" Suzie didn't waste time on niceties.

  "Sure," James agreed right away. "Are you in some kind of trouble? Do you need help?"

  God, you had to love her sister's man, didn't you? "No, thank you, James. You helped enough when you set me straight after my breakdown. You made me realize that I could have a second chance with Connor. I think I want that, if he's prepared to open up a bit. I have some thinking to do. Or better, I need to stop thinking and allow myself to feel for a while."

  James stayed silent.

  What kind of explanation could she offer him? Suzie wasn't sure she understood it, herself. She sighed and tried anyway. "I'm going to Club Indigo tonight. I need to figure out how much of my feelings of loss stem from missing Connor as a person and a partner and how much is
my body craving pain and pleasure." Did she really say that to him?

  James chuckled low. "You know that sounds like an excellent idea. Do you need me to arrange something for you?"

  "No, thank you, James, but if you have a number where I could reach Kate?" Suzie answered, grateful for his support.

  "Splendid choice. I should tell you that, although Connor's been at the club frequently lately, he doesn't seem very pleased with himself. The submissives are saying he's going easy on their punishments, too." They made arrangements for later that day, and after thanking James again, they ended their call. As soon as she hung up, there was a chime on her phone with Kate's contact info, just as James had promised.

  Connor walked up to the front door of Club Indigo and was let in by Peter. "Good evening, Captain."

  "Evening, Peter." Connor nodded to the submissive. The subs tended to be wary around him because of his reputation as a DM, so Peter didn't try to chat with him. He walked into the main room, heading for the bar. He glanced around the floor to get a sense of what was happening, as he was going on duty as DM in half an hour. Mitch and Julie were seated with Sonja near the play area. The focus of the gathered audience was on the show Kate was putting on. The Domme was wearing high heels and a black mini dress. She looked stunning as she moved around the bound submissive. With incredible care and precision, Kate let her whip dance over the naked body in front of her, both their bodies moving in a sensuous and intimate tango without music and without physical touching. From the red marks and welts, she had been at it for a while now. It was a beautiful and erotic sight, and Connor could understand what had everyone so transfixed.

  Connor's blood pressure started rising as he realized who the object of Kate's attention was. Stunning or not, that was his rùnag! He stood rooted to the spot with clenched fists as he watched in fascinated horror how Kate worked the whip and Suzie's body. Connor's focus blurred and his feet started in the direction of the couple.

  A figure stepped between him and the scene, and his vision returned to normal. Jim Cagney was standing in front of him. Connor tried to step around Jim, only to be confronted by Bob. He looked to the other side and found Henry. Fuck!

  Jim spoke. "Calm down, buddy, you're gonna pop a blood vessel if you keep this up. The four of us are going to head over to the dining room."

  Connor wanted to argue. Through the haze of anger and betrayal, some kind of reasoning entered his mind. You can't interrupt a scene, and besides, you're no longer together . Suzie can play with whomever she wants. Actually, he was kind of relieved it was Kate; at least he knew Suzie wasn't interested in her sexually.

  He walked with the three other Dominants past the buffet and they settled at a table.

  This time, Bob spoke up. "Your sub is a smart woman."

  Yes, of course she's that. And compassionate, honest and proud. And so fucking sweet and… "Wait, what? My sub?"

  Henry chuckled. "And his brain has started to function again. For a moment, I feared he would go berserk on us."

  Connor shot him an irritated glare.

  "Yes, asshole," Jim answered. "She's yours. She came to the club tonight to find out if she just craves the pain or if she's attracted to you as a person. We all know Kate can get her off but doesn't connect with her like you do."

  Connor felt a huge weight lifted from his shoulders.

  Bob slapped him on the back. "Go claim your woman." Bob held out a finger to him. "Talk to her. Open up to her. Don't lose her again."

  Suzie came to herself to the sound of soft voices. She was wrapped in a blanket and sitting on a rock-hard thigh. "Connor," she sighed.

  He stroked her hair while she rested her head on his chest and inhaled his familiar scent. Slowly, her senses started to work again. After smell, her hearing returned, and she could hear Kate's melodic laughter at something Connor said. Realization dawned. Kate, she'd scened with Kate, not Connor.

  Suzie sat up and stared at Connor's strong features. "What are you doing here, and why am I on your lap?"

  Kate chuckled beside her. "Look who's back with us." She rested her slender hand on Suzie's thigh. "How are you, Suzie?"

  "Confused," Suzie replied, and both Connor and Kate chuckled this time.

  "I scened with you, but Connor wanted to have a part in aftercare. Are you okay with that, or do you need to him to leave?" Kate inquired.

  Suzie could feel Connor tense under her. She was okay, wasn't she? This was where she wanted to be, needed to be. Sure, she and Connor needed to talk, but she wanted to be with him and him alone. "Yes, Kate, I'm okay with that." She turned her gaze to Connor. "We have a lot to discuss, Connor."

  Connor pressed a kiss to her upturned forehead and answered, "Aye, rùnag, we'll talk, and I'll be honest with ye."

  Suzie felt relief course through her veins and warm her from the inside. They would be fine. She turned her focus to Kate for a moment. "Thank you, Mistress Kate, for the wonderful scene."

  "Did you get what you've wanted from it?" Kate asked softly.

  "Yes, Mistress."

  Kate placed her hands on both sides of Suzie's face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You're a lovely sub and a wonderful masochist. I would love to play with you again, but from the possessive vibes and the dark scowl on your Captain's face, I'm getting the feeling it won't happen soon." Kate laughed as she rose.

  Connor leveled Kate with an intense stare. "You're lucky you're not a guy, or I would have at least punched you for touching my sub."

  Now Kate laughed out loud. "I'm sure you would, Captain."

  Connor's frown disappeared. "Seriously, Kate, I was upset when I first saw the two of you, but I think I understand that you were trying to help."

  Kate leaned over and gave Connor a kiss on his cheek and sauntered away without a comment or a backward glance.

  "Come home with me, rùnag, and let's have that talk."

  Connor drove them both to his home and had the both of them naked and in bed in no time. He wanted to talk with no barriers between them. Where to start?

  He turned his back to her and said, "You were curious about my tattoo. We could start there."

  Suzie pressed a kiss on the tattoo above his left shoulder blade. She leaned back a bit and traced the black ink. Fallen But Not Forgotten was written on the banner the eagle was holding in his talons.

  "It's to honor all the men and women who gave their lives for peace and country," Connor started and then sighed. "But mostly it's about Malgir."

  He fell silent for a moment, but Suzie refrained from saying anything and gave him time to collect his thoughts.

  Connor continued. "In 2009, President Obama decided another strategy was needed and he increased the forces in Afghanistan. It was my fourth tour there. I was leading a team with my lieutenant and friend, Tom O'Neil. Tom spoke Farsi and had a couple of informants. The first couple of months, our team was successful. We were able to shut down a Taliban cell and we destroyed an opium field. It all went to hell on February 23, 2010, a week before a bus with twenty-two schoolgirls was attacked and taken by the Taliban. Tom's informant told us they were held in a small town called Malgir."

  Connor had been facing away from Suzie and now rolled carefully to his back, pulling her to him. After she nestled against him, he picked up the story. "It was a trap. The Taliban had taken the man's wife and six children, ages two to eleven." Suzie sucked in a breath and tears sprang in her eyes. "We walked right into it. Except for Tom and myself, everybody else died that day."

  After Connor let out a shuddering breath, Suzie said, "How terrible. I'm so sorry, Connor." He nodded. "How about the girls?"

  Connor let out a bitter sound. "Nobody knows. The bus was discovered almost a week later, a few miles outside Kandahar. They were never in Malgir."

  Suzie shook her head in disbelief. "And the family of the informant?"

  Connor swallowed hard and answered with a clogged-up voice, "They were killed within an hour of being taken." Connor didn't voice tha
t it was probably kinder than the life of violence and rape the schoolgirls would have had as long as they survived. "The informant set himself on fire, as soon as we found them. We never found out which cell of the Taliban was responsible."

  Suzie stroked his chest. She was at a loss for words. So many casualties.

  "Tom shut down after that. He didn't talk. He barely ate. I thought he needed time to process, to come to terms with the events."

  Connor was silent again. Had he ever told this story to anyone before? Suzie could barely hear him as he whispered, "I should have known." She reared up her head and looked into green pools of despair. "Two days later, Tom hanged himself in our office. I was the one who found him."

  So many things made sense to Suzie now. How the whole Josh business had brought back memories for Connor. How the way Tim had closed himself off from Connor had hurt him. The one thing Suzie didn't understand was Connor's secrecy with the loan. Could she ask him now?

  Connor managed a weak smile. "Ask, Suzie."

  He read her like a book, didn't he? Part of that was his dominant side, but Suzie was quite positive a bigger part was their fierce and intimate connection, their special bond. "Why didn't you tell me about the loan?"

  Connor sighed. "That was a stupid mistake on my part. At first, I didn't want you to know because you wouldn't have agreed. You wouldn't have seen it as a solid business investment but as unwanted help." He shot her a tender glance and continued softly. "You're a giver, Suzie Kaspar. You give and give, and you don't ask or expect anything in return. You're uncomfortable when people try to give something back."

  Suzie tried to understand what he was saying from his perspective and was inclined to disagree. "But I—"

  Connor held up his index finger. "Let me ask you this. In the last month, how many times did you accept help?"

  Suzie considered his question. "My family helps with the children. Today, from Kate. But why—"

  His gaze halted her sentence this time. "How many times did you help others?"