After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  “You’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to let him go.” His voice was stern, but kind at the same time, and she knew he was right. Running back to the casket wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change the outcome. Ben was gone and nothing she did would ever change that. She let go of the door handle and buckled her seatbelt again. Her father gently squeezed her arm and slowly continued driving. She watched as the casket lowered into the ground until he was gone.

  Chapter 7

  It had been a month since she’d last felt Ben’s hand in hers or tasted the sweetness of his lips. She hadn’t celebrated Thanksgiving, staying locked in her room while her parents went to her aunt’s house for the holiday. The Bradley’s had invited her over as well, but she had declined. How could they be celebrating anyway? How could they just move on, going on with life knowing such an important piece of their family was lying in the cold, wet ground…alone?

  Christmas was approaching too, but she didn’t plan to acknowledge it either. Her parents had picked out a tree without her and decorated it while she sat in her room. Each night at dinner, she would glance at the tree and the presents tucked below, but had no curiosity about what was inside the neatly wrapped packages or any desire to find out. On Christmas morning though she opened the presents numbly, saying thank you robotically for the new clothes, the latest iPod and a new laptop they had given her.

  After opening presents, her parents began getting ready for their drive to New Hampshire to visit relatives.

  “Are your things packed?” her father asked as she sat like a lump on the couch.

  “I told you I’m not going.”

  “We’ve gone over this. You are going,” he said sternly.

  “No, I’m not,” she said matching his tone.

  “Your grandparents want to see you. Everyone is concerned about you.”

  “I know they are, but I don’t want to go. I didn’t even want Christmas or any of those stupid presents you got me. I told you guys I didn’t want any of this,” she said her eyes beginning to fill with tears.

  “What’s going on in here?” her mother said stepping into the living room.

  “Your daughter is insisting she’s not coming to New Hampshire.”

  “You’re coming. It’s Christmas and we’re spending Christmas as a family,” her mom stated.

  “Please, please don’t make me go. I don’t want to see anyone,” Kathryn begged quietly.

  Her parents looked at each other for guidance on what to do. Her mother decided to take the reins.

  “I know you don’t think you want to go, but once you get there and see your cousins and everyone else you’ll be glad you came.”

  “I don’t care about seeing any of them!” Kathryn yelled, standing up. “The only person I want to see is Ben and he’s not coming. He’s never coming back! Don’t you get that? He’s never coming back!” she shouted, stomping off towards the stairs.

  “Wait right there!” her father’s deep voice bellowed. She turned around and met his eyes before he continued. “Ben is dead. We all know that, and I’d give anything to take away the pain you’re feeling. It kills me to see you walking around this house like a zombie like nothing else in the world matters. You’re my little girl Katie,” he said calmly. “Ben is dead, but you are not.”

  She stood frozen by her father’s words at the foot of the steps.

  “I might as well be,” she responded coldly. “Now please, just let me stay home. Please.”

  Her parents both stared at her, wordlessly agreeing to her request. She turned and continued upstairs to her room, the only place she wanted to be.

  ****

  Her parents had come upstairs to say goodbye, telling her they’d be home in a couple of days and asking her one last time to join them. She declined and they left her alone. The emptiness of the house felt good. She was alone and no one was going to bother her about getting out of bed and getting herself together. She knew her phone wouldn’t ring seeing as how she hadn’t charged it since the night she’d gotten the call from Luke telling her Ben was in the hospital. She didn’t care though, because she didn’t want to speak to anyone. She pulled the covers over her head and tried to fall asleep, the only thing that brought her relief from the pain.

  ****

  The chime of the doorbell startled her awake, but she closed her eyes trying to ignore it. A few moments later it rang again, and again she tried to ignore it. After the fourth ring though, she reluctantly threw the covers back and lumbered downstairs. She flung the door open angrily and was greeted by Luke standing in the doorway. He was bundled in a flannel coat and a black stocking cap. The freezing December air barged into the house, stinging through the pink and yellow flannel pajamas she was wearing.

  “Can I come in?”

  “No,” she said flatly and he shook his head.

  “Well, too bad. I’m coming in anyway.” Luke walked in, brushing past her as he ignored her annoyed sigh. He began looking around and noticed how empty the house seemed. “Where are you parents?”

  “They’re in New Hampshire.”

  “Why didn’t you go?”

  “I didn’t want to.”

  He nodded and then they were quiet for a moment.

  “How are you doing?” he finally asked.

  She glared at him, shocked he could even ask such a stupid question.

  “I’m surviving. How are you?” she answered snidely.

  “About the same,” he said and then was quiet for a moment before looking up at her with sad eyes. “My mom invited you over tonight.”

  “I know. My mom told me she called.” They were quiet again and he seemed hesitant.

  “Everyone was hoping you’d come by.”

  She was silent again and stared down at the floor.

  “How are your parents?” she asked, suddenly feeling overcome with guilt for not seeing them.

  “Mom’s not doing too well, but she’s getting by. That’s one reason I’m here,” he said and Kathryn raised her eyebrows. “My family misses you. I know it would mean a lot if you came by tonight. We’re not doing much, just eating some of Grandma Val’s peach cobbler, but I know everyone would like to see you,” Luke said, smiling sweetly at her, looking more like Ben than she’d remembered.

  “I don’t think so Luke. I don’t want to go anywhere.”

  “I know you don’t. Do you think any of us just want to pick up and move on? No…we don’t, but we have to.”

  “I’m glad it’s so easy for your family,” she chided.

  “Don’t be like this Kathryn. Think about it for a second.”

  “Think about what?”

  “Think about Ben,” he answered. “Do you think he’d want you to continue like this? Do you think he wants you holed up in your room, looking like death and shutting everyone out?”

  Luke’s words hit her hard and she glanced into the mirror that was hanging in the hallway. He was right, she did look like death.

  “I don’t know what Ben wants because he’s dead,” she said coldly.

  “Well I do. He doesn’t want you alone and miserable. It would break his heart knowing you’ve shut everyone and everything out. Hell, I heard from my aunt that you’re thinking about not going back to school next month. Do you think Ben would approve of that? Do you think he wants you to throw your life away?”

  She walked away from him and sat down on the couch. Luke joined her a moment later.

  She stared at him, wanting to yell at him to go away and mind his own business. She wanted to tell him he didn’t know what he was talking about, but that would be a lie because the truth was he did know what he was talking about and everything he said was true.

  “Ben wouldn’t want me to be like this,” she said quietly, finally answering his question.

  “Then will you come with me?”

  She stared at him and reluctantly nodded.

  “Get yourself together and go take a shower. I’ll wait for you down here.”

&nb
sp; She knew she couldn’t protest again and even though she didn’t want to admit it, she didn’t want to be alone. Without any more words, she turned and made her way upstairs to the bathroom. It had been a couple of days since she’d bathed, a thought even she found revolting. She let the water scald her as it dripped down her body and after shampooing her hair, she finally turned it off and stepped out of the shower. She wrapped herself in her pink terrycloth robe and dried her blonde hair. She didn’t bother putting any make up on and after slipping on a pair of jeans and a white sweater and grabbing her tan pea coat, she met Luke back downstairs. He’d sat himself in front of the television and was watching the twenty-four hour marathon of A Christmas Story.

  “Okay Luke,” she said quietly. “I’m ready to go.”

  He got up and met her by the front door, leading her outside into the frigid air. She stopped dead in her tracks though as her eyes saw what sat at the curb: Ben’s truck. The familiar blue beast she’d teased him relentlessly about was sitting only about ten feet away from her.

  “What are you doing with Ben’s truck?”

  “My parents said I can drive it.”

  “You can’t drive it! That’s Ben’s truck, not yours!” she gasped.

  “Calm down Kathryn.”

  “No. You can’t be driving his truck. I’m not going with you. I’m not getting in that truck!” she shouted, turning and heading back to the front door, but was stopped when Luke grabbed her by the arm.

  “Stop it Kathryn! Get a hold of yourself. You’re being ridiculous! It’s Ben’s truck. He loved that truck. He wouldn’t want it just sitting there. He was my brother. You’re not the only one who lost someone. I lost my brother. My brother! Or did you forget that you’re not the only one hurting right now? Did you ever think that maybe driving his truck makes me feel closer to him? I’m not going to apologize for that,” he said, his voice stern as his familiar hazel eyes bored into hers.

  Like earlier, his words stopped her cold and she suddenly realized Luke was right. Since Ben died she’d only been thinking of herself and the agony she was feeling, not what others were feeling too. But looking at Luke now, standing on the porch, she saw what she’d been ignoring for the past month, that his eyes were as empty as hers. They’d all lost someone who meant the world to them and rather than finding comfort with them, she’d pushed everyone away who had loved Ben as much as she did.

  “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I just can’t imagine sitting in that truck without him.”

  Luke laughed softly and smiled, glancing over at the truck. “It’s still strange for me too. I keep expecting him to run out and yell at me for driving it.”

  “I don’t think he’d yell at you.”

  “I hope not.”

  Kathryn began the short walk to the truck hesitantly. As her hand rested on the door, she nervously opened it and the familiar scent of the truck hit her like a ton of bricks, causing a sharp pain in her chest. She took a deep breath and pulled herself inside, realizing how difficult it was to climb into the truck without Ben’s help. Once inside, her body molded to the familiar upholstery. Her eyes darted from the dashboard, to the rearview mirror, down to the floor mats and then over to the driver’s seat, which was noticeably vacant. She imagined the last time Ben had been sitting in that seat and holding her hand, squeezing every so often. She could still feel the ridges of his joints and the calluses on his fingertips from learning to play the guitar. She could still feel him with her.

  The door opened then and Luke sat in the driver’s seat. Despite his physical similarities to Ben, he looked strange sitting where his brother always had. Part of her wanted to reach over and kick him out of the seat and wait for Ben to come back, but then that little voice she’d been trying to ignore, told her she’d be waiting forever because he wasn’t coming back.

  Luke looked over at Kathryn and could tell she was lost somewhere in her thoughts, but decided not to say anything. He simply turned the ignition and pulled the truck away from the curb.

  She sat silently as the truck drove the familiar route to the Bradley’s, her hand holding the grip until her knuckles were white, a mix of emotions flooding through her veins. Part of her felt uneasy being in the truck without Ben and another part felt at home in the truck, even though he wasn’t with her. She closed her eyes and imagined he was driving instead of Luke and for a few minutes she was able to feel somewhat normal again.

  However, when the truck eased to a stop and she opened her eyes in front of the Bradley’s house, the normalcy she felt instantly vanished. Her heart started pounding and her stomach felt sick. The last time she’d been in the house was with Ben the night he’d died. Before she could talk herself out of it, she opened the door and stood at the foot of the driveway, waiting for Luke. She heard his door close and was soon at her side. She followed him up to the front door and inside her second home.

  The house instantly felt warm and Kathryn realized how much she had missed it the second she walked in the door. The smell of cinnamon from the potpourri Sharon always kept in a dish in the entryway was welcoming and familiar. The pictures that had hung on the walls for as long as Kathryn could remember showed the Bradley’s as a whole. The carpet even felt right beneath her feet. Despite all this though, the absence of Ben was palpable and she could feel the emptiness his death had created. It was as if a hole had been ripped in the house that could only be filled by Ben.

  “Is that you Luke?” Sharon’s voice called from the living room.

  “Yeah Mom,” Luke answered back as he took off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack. Kathryn took hers off as well and hung it next to Luke’s and then nervously followed him from the entryway to where she knew the Bradley’s were waiting.

  “Where have you been?” Sharon asked when they walked into the living room. Kathryn’s eyes glanced around the room to the familiar faces of Ben’s family: Sharon, Scott, Allie, Grandma Val and Grandpa Dom. They were all sitting around the living room holding bowls of Val’s peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream. The Christmas tree was sparkling with twinkling white lights in the corner and the faint sound of Bing Crosby singing White Christmas flowed through the air.

  “I brought someone home with me,” Luke said, causing everyone to look up in their direction.

  “Kathryn,” Sharon said quietly, her eyes seeming to light up at the sight of her. “It’s so good to see you, honey,” Sharon said walking over to her and embracing her with a fierceness she hadn’t expected.

  “Hi Sharon,” Kathryn replied shyly.

  “Come have some cobbler,” Sharon said taking her hand and leading her to the kitchen where she dished up a large helping for Kathryn and then led her into the living room where the rest of Ben’s family sat.

  She felt slightly awkward, not knowing exactly where she fit in with the Bradley’s anymore. She had been Ben’s girlfriend, his momentary fiance, but he was dead now, so where did that leave her?

  She set her cobbler on the coffee table and made the rounds hugging everyone before sitting down on the loveseat. Surprisingly, no one asked her how she was doing and she didn’t ask them. Ben’s name wasn’t even brought up. Kathryn ate her cobbler and listened to everyone talk mundanely about everyday life. No one spoke with any emotion. It was as if they were all just going through the motions to fill the silence. Val spoke about the quilt she was working on and the guys talked about the Patriots’ chances of getting to the Super Bowl. Allie sat quietly though, choosing not to participate in the conversation. Kathryn listened politely, nodding and smiling at the appropriate times, but found herself spanning the room with quick glances, expecting Ben to walk in at any moment. It felt weird being here without him.

  When Sharon began gathering the empty dishes, Kathryn stood up to help her. The two women met in the kitchen, away from the group and mindlessly began clearing plates and loading the dishwasher. As the dishwasher hummed, Sharon began wiping the counters.

  “Sharon?” Kathryn said quietly, ca
using Ben’s mother to stop and look at her. Although Sharon was trying to go about the daily routine of life, Kathryn saw the same vacant eyes she’d seen the day of the funeral, causing her heart to ache even more. “I want to apologize for not coming over sooner.”

  “We’ve missed you,” Sharon said honestly, leaving the dish cloth where she’d been scrubbing, and embracing Kathryn again.

  “I miss him so much,” Kathryn began sobbing, soaking Sharon’s blouse. Sharon began crying as well and they held each other, the pain flowing freely from them now.

  “It’s just been so hard. How are you managing?” Kathryn asked a few minutes later, wiping the tears from her swollen face.

  “To be truthful, I’m not. It takes every ounce of my strength to get out of bed in the morning. I miss Ben every second of everyday. I replay the time I first held him in my arms, the first steps he took, the first words he said over and over in my mind until I think I’m going to die from the pain of knowing I’ll never hold him again. The only reason I do go on is for Luke and Allie. I still have two of my children and I live for them now because I know it can be taken away in the blink of an eye.”

  “I have nothing to live for,” Kathryn said quietly, looking away from Sharon.

  “Don’t say that. You have everything to live for.”

  “Not without Ben.”

  And with those words, Kathryn began crying again, the pain feeling as ripe and new as the day he died. Sharon wrapped her in her arms again and held Kathryn as she cried.

  Chapter 8

  A few weeks passed and Kathryn felt more alone than ever, although she was able to function somewhat normally. The new semester was starting in two weeks and even though her parents had forced her to register, she still wasn’t sure if she’d actually be able to drag herself to that first class on January twenty-second.

  In an attempt to get away from the pain, she decided to move back into the apartment she shared with Lacey. She hadn’t returned since the night she and Lacey had raced to the hospital. Kathryn missed her friend and had only spoken to her a few times since Ben’s passing. Lacey told her she was anxious to have her back and in a way, Kathryn was anxious too.