Kathryn nodded and promised that she would.
Chapter 10
As Kathryn drove home, she was a wave of emotions. She knew she should be terrified, but she wasn’t. She was filled with joy and for the first time in two months she thought she might remember what happiness felt like. She was bursting to tell Ben. He’d always been so good with kids and they’d always talked about having them one day, but then her heart sank when she realized she couldn’t tell him. She suddenly jerked the wheel of the car and headed in the opposite direction.
Soon she was turning into the cemetery she had last visited the day they’d buried Ben. She hadn’t had the courage to visit his grave yet, but she needed to today. She drove slowly down the gravel roads and weaved in and out until she found him. The ground was still covered in a thin layer of white from a snowfall last week, which made the cemetery seem even more solitary and peaceful. His grave lay below a large oak tree, which seemed to hang over it like a protector.
She began walking towards the grave, the snow crunching below her feet. As she drew closer, the headstone came into view and she stopped a few feet in front of it. She’d never seen it. The Bradley’s had done a good job picking it out. It was beautiful, even if it was a tombstone. The slick gray marble sparkled in the sunlight, casting what looked like diamonds all around it. It stood proudly telling about the wonderful person buried below:
Benjamin Alexander Bradley
February 19, 1988-November 15, 2007
Beloved Son and Brother
“Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean.”
A small portrait of Ben had been etched into the marble. It looked surprisingly lifelike and his smile seemed to leap off the rock. She reached down and began to search through the snow until she found a small, round pebble. She set it on top of Ben’s headstone, a tradition her Jewish friend, Jill, had told her about. She said it was a way to leave a piece of yourself behind when you visited and to show that the dead had not been forgotten. Ben had certainly not been forgotten.
She sat down in the snow, not caring that her pants would get soaked, and began talking to Ben as if he were sitting across from her in a restaurant booth.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you. It’s just been too hard to come here,” she said sadly. “But I got some amazing news today. We’re going to have a baby Ben. Can you believe it? I’m pregnant. I hope it’s a boy and that he looks just like you. God help the poor child if it ends up with my genes,” she laughed and then immediately started crying.
She suddenly realized how ridiculous she was being as she sat staring at the tombstone and talking to herself and then the reality of what she was facing hit her. She was pregnant, unmarried, and alone. How was she going to do this without him? But even as all those obstacles ran through her mind, she knew she was excited; excited to see parts of Ben inside this new life. Would he laugh like Ben? Would he have the dimple on his left cheek like Ben? Would he be as smart as Ben?
“I miss you so much Ben. Some days I don’t think I can even get out of bed knowing I can’t see you. Sometimes I just want to die too so we can be together again. I don’t think I can go the rest of my life without having you beside me. Maybe this is why this is happening. Maybe this baby is what will keep me going because I’ve got nothing else,” she said, tears beginning to pour down her cheeks again. The joy she was feeling was once again hampered by the overwhelming sadness she felt from the emptiness his death had left behind. She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them, burying her head in the darkness, praying that Ben could wrap his arms around her and come to her once more…just one last time. And then, as she sat over his grave, she felt a heaviness surround her, warming every inch of her and she smiled, knowing Ben was with her, holding her, telling her everything would be okay.
****
That night Kathryn lay in bed pondering what she was going to do. When should she tell her parents? When should she tell Ben’s family? How would they react? Her parents would probably be furious and she feared Ben’s family would deny her, leaving her to raise the baby alone. How would she do that? She didn’t even have a job and she still had two more years of college left. There was so much to think about, but she didn’t want to think of any of that just yet so she held her stomach and drifted off to sleep.
The waves of the Atlantic Ocean spilled furiously onto the soft, sandy shores chasing Kathryn down. The cold water caught her, sending shivers up her body. She stared out into the cloudy grayness of the water noticing a dark speck on the horizon. What was it? Her eyes followed as it came closer to the shore, a figure finally starting to materialize. The arms churned over and over in the water and a body stood up, dripping wet with the salty sea. Her heart began to pound as Ben approached her, a smile she’d seen a thousand times, but had missed for so long. She began running to him, splashing through the water, the wet sand squishing between her toes, slowing her down. She continued to run, but found herself going nowhere. Ben stood staring at her, his eyes pleading to her to come to him. His mouth didn’t move, but she could still hear him. “Kathryn…why aren’t you coming?” “I can’t Ben!” she yelled back. “Yes, you can. Try harder.” His voice was pleading and he stared at her in desperation. She needed to get to him, but as she tried to lift her feet from the sand, it seemed to mold around her limbs like cement. He reached his hand out, stretching towards her, but he was stuck too. She leaned forward, stretching as far as she could until she felt as if her shoulder might pop out of its socket. They both strained and pulled until their fingers were only inches from each other. She placed her other hand gently on her stomach, sending a burst of light around them and suddenly her feet ripped free and she lunged forward, falling into his arms.
Kathryn jolted awake, her heart pounding and her mind still reeling from the dream she’d had. It had felt so real as if Ben had truly been with her. She could still feel the warmth of his body next to her and she knew he had been with her. It had been too real for it to have just been a dream.
Chapter 11Kathryn decided to tell Ben’s family first. For some reason, they seemed less frightening than her own parents. She called Sharon to see if she could stop by and talk and she had seemed excited to hear from Kathryn.
For the first time in months she put effort into her appearance. She straightened her long blonde hair so it hung in layers past her shoulders and put on some make-up, highlighting her eyes so the blueness stood out. She put on a pair of jeans and a purple v-neck sweater before pulling on her winter coat and covering her hands with gray wooly mittens. It was exceptionally cold, even for a New England winter morning. Ice covered the windshield of her car and she scraped it relentlessly before it was all cleared away. By the time she was done, the car was warm inside. The dashboard thermometer read seven degrees and she put the car in gear to begin the thirty minute drive to the Bradley’s.
She’d been there a few times since Luke dragged her over on Christmas Day. Each time she went, she struggled with what role she played in the Bradley’s lives anymore. That question was answered now. She would be tied to them forever.
She pulled the car into the driveway and walked nervously to the front door, ringing the bell. A few moments later, it swung open and Sharon’s smiling face greeted her.
“Come in,” she said stepping aside. “It’s freezing out there!”
“Yes, it is,” she agreed, taking her jacket off and hanging it on the coat rack.
She followed Sharon into the deserted living room. The local news was coming from the TV and Sharon reached over for the remote control and turned it off.
“Sit down,” she encouraged her. “Can I get you something to drink? Coffee or cocoa?”
“No thanks,” Kathryn said, suddenly overcome with nerves, wondering if she’d made the right choice in coming.
“It’s nice to see you again,” Sharon said as she sat down in the recliner across from the couch where Kathryn w
as sitting.
“Yeah, you too,” Kathryn said, looking away.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments.
“Is everything okay? You seem distracted.”
“Um…” she said hesitating. “I actually came by to…to tell you something.”
Her voice was much lower now and Sharon knew something was very wrong.
“What is it Kathryn?”
“I went to the doctor yesterday…” she said before losing her nerve again.
“Are you okay?” Sharon jumped in immediately. Since Ben’s death, she had become a hypochondriac, assuming headaches were brain tumors and stomach aches were cancer.
“Yes, I’m fine, but,” she paused again, taking a deep breath and then decided to just come out with it. “I’m pregnant Sharon,” Kathryn said quickly, staring at the floor.
Sharon sat still as a statue, staring at the girl before her, her mouth hanging open in disbelief.
“Excuse me?” she asked quietly.
“I’m 10 weeks pregnant.”
“Is this a joke?” Sharon asked, trying not to laugh.
“No. I would never joke about something like this.”
“You’re pregnant? With Ben’s baby.” It was a statement, not a question. There was no doubt that it was anyone but Ben’s child.
Kathryn nodded, finally meeting Sharon’s eyes, which were now moist with tears. Time seemed to stand still and Sharon appeared frozen. Kathryn prayed she would say something.
“You’re pregnant! With Ben’s baby!” she finally said, a smile spreading quickly across her face. She leapt up from the recliner and sat down on the couch next to Kathryn, throwing her arms around her.
“I thought you’d be upset.”
“No. I’m not upset. I could never be upset. This is wonderful news. May I?” she asked gesturing towards Kathryn’s stomach. She nodded and Sharon cupped her belly, trying to wrap her thoughts around the fact that inside of Kathryn was a life her son had helped create. “I can’t believe this. When are you due?”
“The doctor thinks mid-August, but I’ll know more when I go next month for my appointment. Do you want to come with me?”
“I’d love to come,” she said, choked up by the offer and hugging Kathryn again. They both cried together and for the first time they were tears of happiness, but then they were suddenly interrupted by the shutting of the front door.
“Hey Mom,” Luke’s voice called from the entryway. “I saw Kathryn’s car out front. Is she here?”
His voice drew closer as he made his way into the living room and then stopped as he saw his mother and Kathryn in a tear filled embrace on the couch.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
Kathryn met his eyes and as he looked into hers, he could tell something significant was happening.
“What’s going on?” he asked again skeptically.
“Go on and tell him,” Sharon encouraged.
Kathryn met Luke’s eyes again and for the first time in months he could see life in them.
“I’m pregnant,” she finally whispered.
He stood frozen, unable to move, staring down at Kathryn not able to process what he had just heard.
“What?” he asked in a near whisper, certain he’d misheard her.
“I’m pregnant Luke.”
“Oh my gosh,” he said softly, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know what to say,” he said quietly and then walked nervously over to Kathryn leaning down and giving her an awkward hug before excusing himself to his room.
“Where are you going Luke?” his mom asked as he walked down the hall.
“I need some time Mom,” Luke answered and they could hear him stomping up the stairs. Kathryn looked over to Sharon and then stood up and walked quickly up the stairs, catching him just as he was about to enter his room.
“Wait, Luke,” she called to him and he stopped and looked at her and if she wasn’t mistaken she thought she saw tears in his eyes.
“What?” he asked indifferently.
“You seem upset. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said turning the handle on the door and opening it.
“I…I just kind of expected you to react…I don’t know…I thought you might be a little excited or something. I mean, you’re going to be an uncle,” she said awkwardly, suddenly feeling very shy and he sighed loudly.
“Like I told my mom, I need some time,” he said flatly and Kathryn stared at him, waiting for his easy, reassuring smile to spread across his face, but when it didn’t, she knew she should leave him alone.
“Okay,” she said quietly, shoving her hands in her pockets.
He looked at her once more and without a word, stepped into his room and loudly shut the door. Her joy was hampered for a moment as she waited and wished Luke would open the door and come back out and hug her and tell her he was as excited as she was. After a few moments though, she knew he wasn’t coming back out and she turned and walked downstairs.
“He didn’t take that well,” Kathryn said sadly as she took her seat next to Sharon.
“He’ll be fine. It’s overwhelming, but he’ll be okay. What matters is that you’re okay. You are okay, aren’t you?”
“I’m scared, but I’m also excited. I’m excited to have a piece of Ben back…to have him live on in a way.”
“Me too,” Sharon said as her eyes filled with tears again. “What did your parents say?”
“I haven’t told them yet. I’m too scared to. I don’t know how they’ll react. They’re going to be so disappointed.”
“Give them a chance Kathryn. They might surprise you. Do you want me to come with you when you tell them?”
She thought about it for a moment. Sharon’s reaction had been completely unexpected. She seemed genuinely excited and happy. It would be nice to have an ally with her when she broke the news to her parents, but knew she owed it to them to tell them on her own.
“I appreciate that but I think I’m going to handle it by myself.”
And with those words, Kathryn knew she had to tell her parents immediately before she lost her nerve.
****
Her parent’s house was only a few miles from the Bradley’s, but it took her longer than normal because she never allowed the speedometer to creep past twenty miles per hour. She wanted to share the happiness she was feeling with her family, but was terrified of how they would react. She had always been the good girl, never really getting in trouble, never really doing anything wrong. This would definitely constitute wrong in their eyes, even if Kathryn didn’t feel that way.
She pulled the car into the driveway, never having felt as nervous to come home as at this moment. The driveway was slippery and Kathryn walked cautiously so she wouldn’t fall. She finally got to the front door and opened it.
“Mom? Dad?” she called as she shut the door behind her.
“In here,” she heard her mother’s voice answer from the kitchen.
It was a typical Saturday morning. She was certain her parents had been up for hours, cleaning the house, drinking their morning coffee, reading the paper. Sure enough, they were sitting at the kitchen table. It seemed like they had been talking about something, probably her, when she walked in.
“Good morning,” her mother said.
“Hey,” Kathryn said quietly, standing in the archway that led from the entryway to the kitchen.
“Are you okay? I didn’t expect you home this weekend,” her mother said.
“I need to talk to you guys,” she said with her eyes focused on the floor and then she walked timidly over to the table and pulled out one of the oak chairs.
“Is everything alright?” her mom asked.
Kathryn’s eyes darted from her mom to her dad. It was evident from both of their faces they were concerned about her, even more so than they already were.
“Kathryn, what’s going on?” her father stepped in.
“I need to tell you something,�
�� she began and it was obvious from their expressions that her words had caused their stomachs to knot. They stared at her, waiting for her to talk, but she couldn’t get any words out. Her mouth opened, but only silence came out and her lips began to quiver.
“What is it?” her mom asked, taking her hand from across the table.
A tear fell down Kathryn’s cheek and she tried to speak again, but couldn’t.
“What is going on?” her father repeated again.
She stared at each of her parents, trying to say she was sorry even before they knew she had anything to be sorry about. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply before she was finally able to talk.
“I found out yesterday…” she began quietly and then stopped to gain control of the butterflies in her stomach. “I found out yesterday that I’m…that I’m pregnant.”
She closed her eyes and held her head down, afraid to see their reactions. She wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard a collective gasp flow between her parents and she felt her mother’s hand lift from hers.
She wasn’t sure how long she kept her eyes focused on the tabletop, but she finally felt the pull of their stares and forced herself to look up. Their faces were frozen with looks of shock and sadness, and the look that hurt her the most, the look of disappointment, of knowing she had let them down.
“Are you sure?” her mother finally said so quietly, Kathryn had to strain to hear her.
She nodded and her father looked away and stood up, leaving the room. Kathryn watched as he walked away and with each step, her heart broke a little more. She adored her father and it killed her to know she had let him down.
After the Sky Fell Down Page 9