“It is Ben’s, isn’t it?” her mother asked.
“Of course it is!” Kathryn said, almost offended that she had to ask.
“Oh Katie,” her mom said shaking her head.
“I’m sorry. We didn’t mean for this to happen, but in a way, I’m glad it did,” Kathryn said, allowing a slight smile to cross her face to show her mom how she really felt about the situation.
“You’re glad about this?”
“Yes, I am,” she answered matter-of-factly. “It means I’ll always have a part of Ben with me.”
“It’s not that simple Kathryn.”
“I know it’s not that simple Mom, but it’s going to be okay and I’m happy about this.”
“You’re not ready for this.”
“Yes, I am. I’m ready Mom. I can do this. For the first time since Ben died I feel almost human again, like I have a purpose in life. I have a reason to keep going now.”
She looked her daughter over, wondering when she had grown up. Gone were the cherub cheeks and pigtails, even the patch of freckles she’d had as a child were gone, replaced with smooth, pale skin and her eyes looked older and wiser than her nineteen years. They had aged immensely in the last two months, and as she stared into the eyes of her daughter, she did see a spark of life that had been gone since the day Ben died.
“I don’t really know what to say,” her mother said as the inner struggle persisted in her gut.
“Tell me it’s going to be okay,” Kathryn pleaded.
“I can’t do that. I can’t tell you everything will be okay,” she said and then hesitated before continuing. “But, we’ll be here for you…whatever you decide.”
Kathryn stood up and went to her mother, leaned down and hugged her, holding on to her like she used to when she was a child. When she let go and looked up, she saw her father standing a few feet away. Kathryn could tell he’d been crying by his swollen, red eyes. But, he walked over to her, staring deep into her eyes. Without words, he took her in his arms and Kathryn felt safe and secure like she always did with her father.
“I’m sorry Dad.”
“It’s okay,” he said, stroking her hair.
“I’m sorry I let you down.”
“Don’t say that. You didn’t let me down. I’m not happy about this because I know how it’s going to change your life, but what’s done is done and we’ll move on and deal with it.”
Her heart ached at his words. She had wanted her parents to jump with joy as Ben’s mother had, but they didn’t. She was certain their reaction had been tamed by the fact that the father of her child was dead, but she knew they weren’t excited. She knew they would support her, but she also knew it would take a while before they were excited about anything with the baby.
Her joy had been dampened by her parent’s lack of enthusiasm, but as she thought about the life growing inside her, the happiness returned. It didn’t matter what anyone thought, she knew she could do this and she wanted to do this. Her life had renewed meaning. She had a reason to wake up, take care of herself and go to school. She looked over her father’s shoulder at the light shining in from the large bay window. The gray clouds of the morning had given way to sunshine, as if the heavens had opened up, giving her a sign that she might be exiting the darkness she’d been trapped in since losing Ben.
Chapter 12
The life continued to return to Kathryn, and she was feeling more and more like her old self with each passing day. She still ached for Ben, but felt he was with her again…the baby growing inside her reconnecting them. There were times she could’ve sworn he was in the room, touching her stomach, like he would’ve if he was still alive and he was with her in her dreams nearly every night, giving her the peace she so desperately desired for a few hours. Each morning though, the peace was shattered, and it felt like she was losing him all over again. But then, she’d remember the baby, and she could put herself back together. She was even looking forward to going back to school. Just two weeks ago, she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to go back, but now she knew she had to.
Her parents were still supportive, but weren’t yet showing the enthusiasm of Ben’s mother. Sharon called nearly every day to ask how she was feeling and to make sure she was taking care of herself, which she was. She was taking the vitamins Dr. Ware had recommended and eating lots of fruits and vegetables, even though the vegetables made her stomach turn.
She hadn’t seen the rest of Ben’s family in a while and Sharon had invited her over for dinner to get together with Grandpa Dom and Grandma Val. She was nervous to see them. Ben’s grandparents had always been so traditional. She was certain having a baby out of wedlock would not sit well with them, although she had a feeling they might be okay with it considering the situation.
She got herself ready, deciding on a pink cardigan and a pair of jeans, which were noticeably tighter around the waist. She made a mental note to go shopping as soon as possible.She pulled her hair back into a braid and left for dinner at the Bradley’s. It was another frigid winter evening and as she drove, light snowflakes began to fall gently. In the driveway were the usual cars she was accustomed to seeing during the Sunday dinners she used to come to with Ben. A bundle of excitement and nerves filled her stomach as she pulled her car in the driveway.
Once at the front door, she rang the bell, and a moment later, it opened to Sharon’s smiling face. She pulled Kathryn inside, greeting her with a bear hug, taking Kathryn’s coat and leading her down the hall towards the voices coming from the kitchen. She stopped suddenly and stared at Sharon.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’m really nervous.”
“Don’t be,” Sharon assured her and took her hand, walking her into the kitchen.
The conversation came to a halt when she walked into the room and all eyes focused on her: Scott, Val, Dom, Allie, Luke. She hadn’t seen Luke since the day she’d told him she was pregnant and she still had no idea what he truly thought about the situation, although she could guess based on how he’d reacted. Seeing him now gave her no clues either. He seemed like his normal self, but she thought she saw him look away quicker than the others.
Grandma Val, the one she secretly feared the most, was the first one to step forward. She smiled warmly at Kathryn and wrapped her arms around her. She felt love and warmth from the old woman’s tiny body and her fears instantly melted away. Dom stepped up next with the same acceptance in his arms. Allie was as indifferent as she usually was and she hugged Kathryn with the same distance she always had. Scott approached her then and stared at Kathryn, his eyes traveling down to her stomach and then back up to her face. He was smiling and then he hugged her, and she knew Scott felt the same way Sharon did. Luke came last and Kathryn sensed reluctance as he hugged her briefly, but said nothing. She’d never had much of a relationship with Allie and she was okay with that, but Luke had been different. She even considered him a friend. Luke had often tagged along with her and Ben, and Luke reminded her so much of Ben at times. His distance saddened her and she hoped to talk to him about it later.
They sat around the living room, talking casually, and surprisingly not as much about the pregnancy as she had anticipated, which she was grateful for. Words didn’t need to be spoken to let her know that they supported her and would welcome this baby. If they had reservations, no one led on. Sharon had made lasagna again, just as she had on the last night of Ben’s life. Kathryn ate it up eagerly, her appetite having returned with a vengeance since learning of the pregnancy. When everyone was finishing up, she began helping Luke clear the table and followed him into the kitchen.
“How have you been?” Kathryn asked him once they were alone.
“I’m fine. How are you?” he replied robotically.
“I’m good,” she said as she began to load the dishwasher and then it was quiet again, except for the sound of dishes clanking against each other.
“You’ve been really quiet tonight,” Kathryn said in an attempt to get him to
talk.
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Yeah, me too. School starts in a couple of days.”
“I heard you decided to go back. That’s good news,” Luke said blandly, continuing the distance between them and she decided to confront him about it.
“Okay Luke. What’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve hardly said two words to me, and since Ben…you know, since Ben died,” she said quietly, still finding it difficult to say the words. “You’ve been really good to me, but I feel like you’re mad at me or something.”
“I’m not mad.”
“Then what is it? For the first time since Ben died I’m feeling like everything is going to be okay. I mean…I get this great news and…”
“Great news? You think this is great news?” Luke said cutting her off.
“Of course I do.”
“This isn’t great news,” he said, his voice starting to choke up.
“Yeah, I kinda gathered that from your reaction the other day, but how can you say that?” she said, her heart aching at his words. She stared up at him and she could tell by the look on his face that he was trying to bite his tongue, like he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure if he should.
“How can you say that?” she repeated and then he sighed before he began speaking, his words coming out stern and harsh.
“I can say that because you’re not ready for this. No one’s ready for this. I don’t think it’s going to be as wonderful as you and Mom think it’s going to be. That baby will not bring my brother back and everyday it’s going to reinforce that Ben is dead and that the baby will never know its father and you’ll be miserable because every time you look into the face of that baby you’ll see Ben and you’ll know he’s never coming back.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kathryn said, a tear escaping from her eye and running down her cheek.
“I think I do.”
“No, you don’t Luke. I loved…no I love your brother more than you could possibly comprehend. When he died, I wanted to die too. I didn’t see a reason for living without him, but now I do. I live to see his child and to see him in that child. I live to tell Ben’s story to his child so it can know what an amazing father it had. I don’t understand how you can’t see the good in this.”
Luke stared at Kathryn, but didn’t say anything.
“You’re Ben’s brother, this child’s uncle. I need your support,” Kathryn pleaded.
He stared at her again, wanting to be that support he’d been for her since Ben died, but something was holding him back. He wasn’t sure what it was, but whatever it was, he knew he had to put it aside for Kathryn. She was genuinely excited about this, and whether he liked it or not, this baby was coming and she needed him.
“You’ve got my support then,” he relented.
“Thank you,” she said stepping over to him and hugging him. He hesitantly hugged her back. “Everything’s going to be okay, just like you told me at the cemetery. This is going to make everything okay,” she whispered as her cheek pressed into his chest. She knew he hadn’t fully embraced the idea yet, but at least he wasn’t pushing her away.
Chapter 13
Kathryn looked down at her stomach. She still didn’t look pregnant. She just looked as if she’d been eating too many donuts. Her mom and Sharon both assured her she’d be showing soon enough. She would just pop and would keep going from there. She couldn’t wait to see the bump on her belly and feel the baby inside her move. The books she’d been reading said it could happen any time now. She was nearly seventeen weeks along and everything seemed to be going fine. The nausea had settled down a bit and she kept her fingers crossed that the baby would cooperate so she might learn the sex at today’s ultrasound.
Her mom and Sharon sat on either side of her in the busy waiting room. Women in all stages of pregnancy surrounded her. Her eyes settled on one lady in particular who looked as if she was ready to burst. She looked swollen and miserable and Kathryn prayed that would not be her fate. Some women made pregnancy look so glamorous. That poor woman was not one of them.
“Kathryn Lane,” a voice called and Kathryn tore her eyes from the lady’s giant stomach and turned to the nurse who was standing with a clipboard. “You can come in now.”
She stood up, wondering how much longer she’d be able to move with such ease, and walked over to the nurse followed by her mom and Sharon. After getting her weight and blood pressure, they all walked into an exam room.The nurse asked a few general questions and then left the room to get Dr. Ware.
“This is so exciting,” Sharon said eagerly, beaming over towards Kathryn, who sat on the examination table. “Thank you so much for including me.”
“You’re welcome,” she said returning the smile before looking over to her mom.
While it’d been six weeks since the news of the pregnancy had broken, things hadn’t changed much with her parents. They were still doubtful that she could do it. The rest of her family in New Hampshire had been shocked, as was expected, but they were also supportive. She’d been most afraid to tell her grandparents, but they’d surprised her and congratulated her. Just as with Ben’s family, she attributed the kindness and acceptance to the fact that her fiance was dead and she wondered how everyone would’ve reacted if Ben were still alive.
As Kathryn glanced at her mother now, sitting beside Sharon, she could tell she was doing her best to look happy. She wasn’t fooling anyone though. Kathryn appreciated the support, but she prayed her parents would start showing some kind of enthusiasm, not just acceptance. She was hoping the ultrasound would help jump start the process.
There was a knock on the door and a moment later, Dr. Ware entered the room. She looked first at Kathryn and then over to her mom and Sharon and smiled.
“Hi Maggie,” Dr. Ware said recognizing Kathryn’s mother. “And who’s the other support person with you today?”
Support person. This was a term she’d never heard before. But this is what she had. Support people. No husband. No fiancé. No boyfriend. Just support people.
“This is Ben’s mother, Sharon Bradley,” Kathryn introduced them.
“This must very exciting for you,” Dr. Ware said as she shook Sharon’s hand.
“You have no idea,” Sharon beamed.
“So, how’ve you been since I last saw you?” Dr. Ware asked turning her attention back to Kathryn.
“Good. Very good.”
“You feeling okay? Any questions, concerns?”
“Not really.”
“Not really?” she laughed. “You sound like you’ve got something on your mind.”
Kathryn looked over at her doctor and grinned widely.
“I’m dying to know what I’m having,” she blurted out and Dr. Ware chuckled.
“Well, I should be able to tell you today as long as the baby cooperates. Let’s go ahead and get started. Let me have you lie back and lift up your shirt and pull the waist of your pants down.”
Kathryn did as she was instructed while Dr. Ware turned off the lights before walking over to the ultrasound machine.
“You can see everything on the monitor on the wall,” Dr. Ware said as she squirted clear jelly onto Kathryn’s stomach.
She focused on the TV and knew her mom and Sharon were doing the same. The doctor put a wand on her stomach and began moving it around. Instantly a blob of gray, black, and white appeared on the screen. It all blurred together like paint mixing until the wand steadied and a form began to appear…the baby. Kathryn looked over to her mom and Sharon. Sharon’s hand was cupped over her mouth and her mom was staring intently at the screen.
“There’s the baby,” Sharon whispered and then reached over and grabbed Kathryn’s hand squeezing it tightly.
“Here’s the spine, and this is a leg,” Dr. Ware said as she ran the cursor over the screen. “I’m just going to take some measurements to make sure everything’s going w
ell.”
A series of lines dotted across the screen and Dr. Ware clicked away at the keyboard. The room was silent as Kathryn continued to gaze at the TV. The baby flipped and flopped, which made the smile on her face even bigger. Then a whoosh-whoosh sound filled the room. The baby’s heartbeat. Sharon’s grip grew even tighter and Kathryn heard a small hiccup escape from her. She looked over and saw tears streaming down Sharon’s face as her eyes remained glued to the screen.
“Does the heartbeat sound okay?” Kathryn asked looking up at the doctor.
“Yes. 150 beats a minute. It’s perfect,” she said continuing to move the wand around. “So…any thoughts on the sex?”
“I’m not sure. I was thinking it was a girl, but then I had a dream the other night I was holding a dark haired little boy. I have no clue,” Kathryn said as the anticipation grew.
“Well, your first inclination was right,” Dr. Ware said and Kathryn froze and whipped her head around to the doctor who was smiling down at her.
“A girl? It’s a girl?” she said softly and the doctor nodded.
“It is a girl,” she affirmed.
“A girl,” Kathryn whispered, staring back at the screen and then over to her mom and Sharon.
“A little girl,” Sharon said excitedly. “This is wonderful! Ben would’ve loved having a daughter.” Kathryn new Sharon was right. Ben would’ve been amazing with a daughter and she knew he was here sharing in this moment.
Then her eyes moved to her mother. She sat quietly, staring at the TV and Kathryn noticed a few tears falling down her cheeks and a small grin on her face. She looked happy. That was all Kathryn had been hoping for.
****
Kathryn followed her mother into the kitchen after pulling the car into the garage. Her dad wasn’t home from work yet and the house seemed unnervingly quiet. The drive home had been quiet as well and she would’ve given anything to know what was going through her mom’s mind. She hadn’t imagined it. She had seen a spark in her mother’s eyes while watching the ultrasound.
After the Sky Fell Down Page 10