After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  “So, what’d you think Mom?” she asked softly, her voice laced with nerves. This had never been a problem. She’d always been close to her mother and was rarely nervous to talk to her. They still were close, but things were different. Ben’s death had changed everything. His death had brought her to her breaking point, to a place she thought she’d never escape from, but the baby had helped. The baby had given her hope. The baby had given her a reason to live. The baby had brought Ben back to her. While she still ached for him and still wanted to curl up and die along with him some days and she sometimes questioned her sanity on how she was possibly going to pull this off without him, she could now see a light and she thought maybe things might be okay. However, she knew her mother worried she was living in delusions. She knew she worried about her and she worried about the baby. She knew this was not what her mother had envisioned when thinking about grandchildren. This wasn’t what Kathryn had envisioned either, but this is the way it was going to be.

  “I don’t know what to think,” her mom sighed, setting her purse on the counter.

  “It was pretty incredible, huh?” Kathryn asked staring down at the ultrasound pictures in her hand.

  “That it was,” she agreed quietly and her lips turned up into a reluctant smile.

  “So, a girl. Are you surprised? What did you think I was having?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it,” her mom said honestly.

  “Yeah, I figured,” Kathryn said softly, wondering what else she could do to help her mother get excited, but knew she couldn’t do anything else. She carefully slid the pictures into her purse and reached for her keys. “I’m going to get going.”

  She turned to leave, but when she did, she felt her mother’s grip on her arm. She turned around and saw her mother staring at her with moist eyes.

  “I’m sorry Kathryn,” she said softly as tears escaped. “It was amazing today. It was amazing seeing that little girl inside of you. I can’t wait to meet her. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to get excited how you want me to. I just hurt for you so much and I want to take all your pain away. If I could, I would take it all from you. You’ll understand soon enough. When it comes to your children, you’ll do anything to make sure they’re okay,” she said and gently stroked Kathryn’s cheek as if remembering her as a little girl. “All I could think about while looking at the ultrasound was how I felt when I was pregnant with you. It was such a happy time. Your dad and I were so excited. Getting ready for you was all we could think about. It brought us so close to each other. And all I could think about while watching that little girl inside of you…all I could think about,” she said, her voice cracking. “Was the fact that you won’t experience any of that. You won’t have Ben by your side and that little girl will never know her father. That’s why I’m so sad…because I see the sadness in your eyes. I know this baby has helped with your pain, but I know you Kate. You’ll never be the same and I don’t expect you to be. All I want is for you to be happy. I used to know you were happy. I knew you’d always be happy with Ben, but I was wrong and life had other plans. I want you to be happy again someday and watching you today as you watched your daughter, I saw a spark of that. So, I’m sorry for being distant. I’m happy for you and we’ll make it work.”

  Kathryn was crying now too as she listened to the words of her mother. Their eyes met and she knew things were going to change. She also knew her mother’s words were true. She imagined her parents together during her mom’s pregnancy and she imagined what it would be like to have Ben by her side, which made her ache even more for him, silently begging him to come back. She still often thought this was just some terrible nightmare she would eventually wake up from. But, with each passing day, she knew it wasn’t a dream and he wasn’t coming back. She was in this alone. Her daughter would have one parent. Ben would never hold his child. It was a painful fact, but it was her reality and she understood her mother’s hesitation.

  “I miss him so much,” she suddenly cried, the emotion of everything consuming her. She fell into her mother’s arms, wrapping her arms around her and sobbing. Her mother stroked her hair and comforted her like a child.

  “I know you do,” she whispered to her daughter.

  “How am I going to do this without him?” she choked out.

  “You will. We will,” her mother said softly and Kathryn closed her eyes, trying to believe her.

  Chapter 14

  Kathryn stood at the Bradley’s doorstep, waiting for someone to answer. She wished they’d hurry. It was February and she was freezing. Sharon was expecting her so she didn’t know what the holdup was. She was tempted to just walk in, but instead opted to ring the doorbell once more. A few seconds later, she heard scurrying towards the door and it swung open.

  “Kathryn, I hope you haven’t been waiting long. I was in the basement changing over the laundry. Come in, it’s freezing out there!”

  She stepped inside and took off her coat and hung it on the rack before following Sharon into the kitchen.

  “Can I get you something to drink?” Sharon asked.

  “No, thanks. I’m good,” Kathryn said looking around the kitchen, which seemed unusually quiet. It never got any easier coming over. She still found herself waiting for Ben to come walking through the door. Her eyes would often wander around, looking for him, hoping no one saw her doing it, but wondering if they were all doing the same thing.

  “How’ve you been feeling?” Sharon asked.

  “I’m okay. The nausea’s almost gone. It really wasn’t even that bad.”

  “Lucky you. I was sick as a dog with both pregnancies, especially with the twins. It was awful,” Sharon said with an eye roll and then placed her hand on Kathryn’s stomach. “You’re starting to show.”

  “Yeah, a little,” she agreed looking down at her slightly swollen belly.

  “You look adorable,” Sharon said with a smile.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind that I’m doing this?” she asked Sharon.

  “Not at all. I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Sharon said referring to Kathryn’s idea of collecting some of Ben’s old t-shirts to make a quilt for the baby.

  “Mind if I head upstairs then?”

  “Not at all. Take all the time you need.”

  Kathryn smiled and then walked nervously towards the staircase. She gripped the railing and walked slowly up the steps. She stopped at the top and looked down the hallway to his bedroom. She hadn’t been in his room at his parents’ house or his apartment since he died. Sharon had asked her if she wanted to help pack up his room at the apartment, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it and hadn’t stepped foot anywhere near either room since.

  She walked slowly down the hall and froze and stared at the smooth, white door. Her eyes found the gold doorknob and her hand carefully reached for it, shaking as she slowly turned the handle, unsure if she could even go inside. She turned it cautiously and then heard it click and then watched it swing open effortlessly. The room was dark from the drawn curtains, but it sprang to life when she turned on the light. It was exactly as she remembered it. The double bed was pushed against the wall, the same white comforter covering it. It was made neatly, and it looked as if it hadn’t been slept in since Ben had last laid there. The small oak desk still sat on the opposite wall with his computer on top. A matching dresser was next to the bed and on top of the dresser was a framed picture of them. She had given him the picture for his birthday a couple of years ago and Sharon must’ve taken it from his room in the apartment and placed it on the dresser. She nervously stepped into the room and approached the picture. She picked it up and traced the outline of their bodies, remembering that day at the beach as if it were yesterday. His sandy hair was damp from swimming and his arms were wrapped around her. She closed her eyes and for a moment she could feel his embrace again. She held the picture to her chest and felt a painful lump forming in her throat. She sat down on his bed, and as she sank into the mattress, the lump began to b
urn as she struggled to hold back tears. The room felt hollow and empty without his physical body next to her, and her mind began to race through all the memories she shared with him so quickly they were almost a blur and then she felt him with her. He was with her. She knew he was always with her.

  “Hey,” a voice said and she looked up to see Luke leaning against the door frame, his arms folded and staring across the room to where she sat, looking lost and broken. “Are you alright?”

  “I haven’t been in here since before he died,” she sniffled. “It’s kinda strange…being in here without him.”

  “Yeah,” he said quietly making his way over to her. “I hardly ever come in here. Every time I do, all I think about is him and the fact that he’s not coming back.”

  A moment later, Luke was beside her. He put his arm around her and pulled her close to him and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

  “I know it’s been almost four months, but sometimes I feel like he’s just going to show up one day, like nothing happened. I know it’s stupid,” she said standing up and setting the picture back on the dresser.

  “It’s not stupid,” Luke said standing beside her as they both stared at the picture.

  “You can try and tell me that, but I know for a fact, that it is stupid,” Kathryn said leaving the picture and walking over to the boxes stacked by the closet. Ben’s clothes had been packed up and left in the room for what purpose, Kathryn didn’t know.

  She kneeled down and opened the first box and saw clothes folded neatly and packed to the brim. She picked up a black and gold Boston Bruin’s t-shirt which sat on top and ran her fingers over the material. Then, she held it to her nose, wondering if it still smelled like him the way the white undershirt he’d left at her apartment did. It didn’t though. It merely smelled of detergent.

  “This will be a good one. Ben loved the Bruins,” she said out loud to herself and set the hockey shirt down next to her.

  “What are you doing?” Luke asked sitting down.

  “I’m getting some of his shirts to make a quilt for the baby,” she said continuing to sift through the clothes.

  Luke nodded and opened another box and began looking through as well.

  “I didn’t know you sewed,” he said taking out a U2 t-shirt and adding it to the pile.

  “I don’t,” she said smiling over to him. “So, who knows how this quilt will turn out. Poor baby.”

  She laughed and Luke joined her.

  “So,” he began. “My mom tells me it’s a girl.”

  “Yeah, it is,” she said smiling.

  “That’s pretty cool. Ben would’ve liked having a daughter.”

  “Yeah, I think he would’ve,” she agreed and then turned to him with an idea. “Do you want to see the pictures from the ultrasound?”

  “Sure,” he replied.

  She stood up and brought her wallet over. She pulled the photos out and looked down at them before handing them to Luke. He took them and she watched as he gazed down at the black and white pictures.

  “There’s her head, and her spine, and her little arm,” Kathryn said tracing the image, but Luke didn’t say anything. He just continued to stare.

  The room was completely quiet and Luke seemed unable to look away from the pictures.

  “This is incredible,” he finally said, with an awe to his voice. “I mean, this is part of my brother. Half of him.”

  “It is pretty amazing. I still can’t believe it sometimes. It’s like a dream.”

  “It’s not a dream,” he said looking up from the pictures and then glancing at her stomach before meeting her eyes again. “Are you scared?”

  She listened to his words, knowing she didn’t need to think twice about her answer.

  “I’m terrified,” she said honestly, adding a green Celtics tee to the pile.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he said reaching over and gently resting his hand on her arms. She looked up into his warm, hazel eyes…the eyes that reminded her so much of Ben’s. “I’m sorry I was distant at first. You didn’t deserve that.”

  “It’s okay Luke. Don’t even worry about it,” she assured him.

  “I want to be a part of this Kathryn. I want to help you in any way I can.”

  “I appreciate that, but you’ve got your own life to worry about. You’re going to be graduating in a few months. You’ve got other things to think about.”

  “What’s more important than making sure my brother’s baby is okay?” he said with a sweet smile and Kathryn felt her eyes growing warm. “Life changed when Ben died. None of that other stuff matters anymore and I want to help you.”

  “Thanks,” she said quietly, overwhelmed by his change of heart.

  He put his arm around her and squeezed for a moment before they both turned their sights back to the boxes.

  Chapter 15

  “Have you thought about names at all?” Luke asked as they drove, looking over to her from the driver’s side of Ben’s truck. She still couldn’t get used to being in the truck with Luke as the driver and not Ben. It was getting a little easier though, especially since the day in Ben’s bedroom when they’d collected shirts for the quilt. Since then, she’d hung out with Luke nearly every day.

  “A little,” she replied, a smile spreading across her face as she flipped through the different ideas she’d come up with.

  “Are you sharing?”

  “With you…yeah, I might share.”

  “Well, go ahead then,” he prodded.

  “I was thinking maybe Samantha or Grace or Emily, something classic like that. I don’t want her to have some funky name. What do you think?”

  “While those are all good choices, I think I have a better one.”

  “Oh yeah?” she smirked. “What is it?”

  “I think Lukretia has a nice ring to it or maybe Benita,” Luke said as she burst out laughing.

  “Lukretia? Benita? You’ve got to be nuts,” she said still laughing.

  “Yeah. You can name the baby after me and my brother. Perhaps one could be the first name and the other the middle name.”

  “Yeah, I’ll give it some consideration, but don’t hold your breath,” she said giving him a playful shove as he pulled into the parking lot of Kathryn’s apartment complex.

  “But seriously,” he said turning off the engine and looking over to her while gently touching her arm. “Those are all great choices. I think Ben would like them.”

  “I think so too,” she said quietly.

  They got out of the truck and Luke followed Kathryn into the apartment. Lacey was sitting on the couch watching TV. Her friend Carly was sitting on the opposite end, which caused Kathryn’s mouth to curl into a frown. She’d never really liked Carly. She was too fake, but she and Lacey had been friends since junior high so Kathryn had to occasionally put up with her. She hadn’t seen Carly since Ben’s funeral, where Carly had been bawling like a baby, acting as if she and Ben had been best friends. Kathryn just smirked to herself. Ben had never liked Carly either and he’d be just as thrilled as Kathryn was to see her sitting here now. She could just imagine him nudging her and rolling his eyes.

  “Hey,” Lacey said, barely looking up from the TV.

  “Kathryn! Hey!” Carly said, her perfect black hair flying as she turned to look at her and Luke. Kathryn smiled politely and then Carly practically leapt from the couch and embraced her. “It’s so good to see you. It’s been forever. I’ve been wanting to come by and see you, but I wasn’t sure if I should. Ya know what I mean, right? You’re not mad, are you?” Her voice was raising to an almost intolerable pitch now.

  “No, not all,” Kathryn replied, silently thanking her for not coming by to see her.

  “Good, because I’d hate it if you were mad,” she said hugging her again and then pulling back and looking at her with a frown. “How’re you doing?”

  “I’m fine, thanks,” she answered shortly.

  “I heard the news about the baby. That’s so exciting!�
� Carly said staring down at her stomach. “It’s like a miracle or something. You’re so brave. I don’t know how you’re going to do it.”

  “I’ll be fine,” Kathryn said, beginning to lose her patience.

  “Yeah, I know you will be,” she said and then looked behind Kathryn as if just noticing Luke. “Omigosh,” she said staring at Luke. “You look just like Ben. Doesn’t he look like Ben?” Carly asked turning to Lacey who nodded and Kathryn could tell Lacey was embarrassed by her friend’s rambling.

  “This is Ben’s brother, Luke,” Kathryn said as Carly looked back at him again.

  “Hey,” Luke said.

  “Oh yeah. I remember you from the funeral. Wow, the similarities between you and Ben are crazy,” she continued.

  Luke gently took Kathryn’s arm from behind as an indication that it was time for them to get away from Carly.

  “Well, Luke and I are going to hang out in my room. It was good to see you again Carly,” Kathryn said looking past Carly’s shoulder to Lacey who was mouthing “I’m sorry”.

  Carly mumbled something as Kathryn and Luke walked passed her, but Kathryn just tuned her out and quickly shut the door when they walked into her bedroom.

  “Was that a friend of yours?” Luke asked sarcastically as he flung himself on the bed.

  “That would be a resounding no,” she said rolling her eyes. “She’s Lacey’s friend. I just deal with her when I have to.”

  “Is she here a lot?”

  “No, thank goodness,” Kathryn said setting her purse down and sitting at the foot of the bed while Luke remained stretched out, tucking his hands behind his head.

  “Yeah, that would be kinda strange after the baby comes,” he said and then paused before continuing. “I mean, I assume you’re staying here after the baby’s born.”

  Kathryn sighed and turned and looked at Luke. She couldn’t keep her eyes from drifting from his face to the face of his brother, who stared back at her from the picture on the nightstand. While Carly was nearly intolerable, she was right about the similarities between Luke and Ben. The same hazel eyes, long, lean body, and soft smile. And if she let herself look too long, her mind played tricks on her and she thought she was looking at Ben. She felt her eyes brimming with tears as she tore her gaze from Luke, realizing it wasn’t Ben.