“But see, you guys worked it out and you were so good with each other.”
Kathryn smiled, knowing he was right. Despite their obstacles, they had been good together.
“You’ll find that Luke. I know you will. If you treat girls anywhere close to the way your brother did, you’ll find it.”
“I hope you’re right,” he said scraping the last of the ice cream out of his bowl. “I’m just tired of hanging out with shallow girls. I can’t stand them half the time. Give me a girl with some substance.”
“We do exist, I assure you,” she smiled.
“Yeah, too bad my brother found you first,” Luke laughed nudging her in the ribs. She knew he was just being playful, but she blushed anyway. “You done with that?” he asked gesturing towards her ice cream bowl. She nodded and Luke stood up and took the dirty dishes to the kitchen, returning a moment later.
“So you’re all done with high school. How does it feel?” Kathryn said leaning back on the couch. Luke did the same and began unbuttoning his shirt. He let it lay open, exposing his white undershirt.
“I’m excited. I’m kinda scared though.”
“That’s expected. College is great though.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” he agreed.
“You won’t be saying that when you’re stuck with a crying baby keeping you up and away from your studies,” Kathryn laughed and turned her head to Luke who just smiled supportively.
“I won’t mind at all.”
The room grew quiet and the sound of the TV seemed to get louder. The silence didn’t bother Kathryn. It was comfortable, just like it’d been with Ben.
“So, I’m sure this wasn’t how you anticipated spending your gradation night,” she began. “Sitting around with your brother’s pregnant girlfriend eating ice cream and watching crappy TV.”
“Well, I never anticipated my brother dying either, so I guess you’ve gotta go with the flow,” Luke said softly and the room got unnervingly quiet.
The TV that had seemed so loud only a moment before now seemed to completely disappear. Kathryn’s eyes lowered to the ground and she felt them growing warm with tears. She’d never anticipated any of this. Even in her worst nightmares she couldn’t have fathomed this was how her life would turn out: alone, pregnant, and completely lost. She wiped her eyes and then Luke turned to face her.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” he said.
“Don’t be sorry. You’re only being honest,” Kathryn said as her hand found its way to her stomach as if trying to shield her baby from the truth.
“How have you been feeling lately? I’ve been so busy with my finals and getting ready for graduation I feel like I haven’t seen you much.”
“I’m hanging in there,” she said not wanting to burden him with the truth, which was that she was sad and tired most of the time.
“You look great,” he said encouragingly and Kathryn started laughing.
“I look like a whale.”
“No you don’t. What is it they say about pregnant women? That they glow?” he asked and she nodded. “Well, you’re glowing.”
She felt herself blush again. She knew Luke was just trying to be nice, but it still felt good to hear it from somebody.
“Are my feet glowing?” she asked, lifting them up and resting them on the coffee table.
Luke’s eyes got wide and she cracked up again.
“Do they hurt?” he asked, his face grimacing as he poked one of her ankles.
“Kind of. They remind me of Fred Flintstone’s feet, what do you think?” she asked staring down at the swollen pink messes, that used to be her feet.
“Yes, very Flintstone like,” he laughed as he continued to look at them. “They really look uncomfortable.”
“They’re not fun,” she grinned, trying to make the best of her changing body. “Only about two more months to go though. I’m sure I’ll make it.”
“Let me rub them for you,” Luke said offered.
“I can’t ask you to do that,” she said, although the thought of a foot massage sounded heavenly.
“You didn’t ask me. I offered.”
“Luke…” she protested.
“I give killer foot rubs and you really look like you could use one,” he said looking up at her with puppy dog eyes.
She stared back at him, knowing he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to help. Her feet did hurt though. They’d been aching and they were practically begging her to take him up on his offer.
“Okay,” she agreed timidly.
Luke bent down and pulled her feet onto his lap while Kathryn made herself comfortable stretching perpendicular to him on the couch. He began rubbing his hands vigorously like Mr. Miagi in The Karate Kid.
“You’re such a dork,” she laughed.
“I don’t want to freeze your tootsies,” he smirked back, reminding her of Ben and how goofy he could be, then began to rub her tired feet. She closed her eyes, trying to stifle a low moan, but couldn’t stop it. “Feel good?” Luke asked as he continued to knead her feet. She nodded, her eyes still closed. His hands felt so good, it was almost painful. He massaged slowly and carefully, paying close attention to her arch and heels and squeezing each toe individually. She could feel the pain and the tension melting away with every touch. She hadn’t been this relaxed since before Ben died and her eyes began to fill with tears, which fell silently and undetected until she sniffed, trying to compose herself. She was so tired of crying all the time. Luke’s hands stopped rubbing and she felt his eyes fix on her, even though hers were closed.
“What’s wrong?” he asked and she finally opened her eyes, which were now as red and swollen as her feet.
“He should be rubbing my feet, not you. He should be eating ice cream with me, not you. He should be moving in with me, not you,” she choked out through the lump in her throat. “You’re not him.”
She grabbed a pillow from the couch and buried her face in it as she began to sob. She’d been holding up pretty well recently, but she was having one of those moments where his death felt as fresh as it had seven months ago. The loneliness felt as if she were carrying a sack of bricks on her back and her stomach felt hollow, knowing the little girl growing inside would always be fatherless. As she cried, she felt Luke pull her close, wrapping his arms around her.
“I’m not trying to be him,” he whispered in her ear as he stroked her hair. “I only want to be here for you Kathryn. I want to make sure you’re okay and that your baby’s okay.”
She took a few deep breaths and removed the pillow from her face and looked up into his vacant eyes. He was hurting too. They were both hurting, but they seemed to hurt better together.
“I’m sorry Luke. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just…I just miss him so much and as much as I love this baby, I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I wasn’t having her because it’s not going to be easy and every day I’ll remember she won’t know her dad. I just want him here to share in this. I wanted him there to hold my hair back when I had morning sickness in the beginning. I want him here to rub the lotion on my stomach at night, to talk to the baby, to rub my feet when I’m tired or get rid of the ache in my back, or simply tell me I’m beautiful when I’m feeling like a gross, fat pig. I know it sounds trivial, but being pregnant is not as easy emotionally as I thought it was going to be and if I ever needed Ben, it’s now,” she said softly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I need him Luke, and he’s not here.”
“He’s here Kathryn, he is,” Luke said gently.
The words were comforting and she wanted to believe them, but it still didn’t make up for the fact that Ben was gone, even if he was watching over her in some way.
“And I’m here, even though I could never replace him. I can help you though. He would never want you to do this alone. You know if he was still alive he’d take care of you. He’d be here. He’d cater to your every whim. I know it’s destroying him to see you doing this alone.
”
“I know Luke. He’d have been amazing,”
“Don’t resent him though,” Luke said protectively of his brother.
“I don’t anymore,” she said honestly. She’d been angry at Ben for a short time. She’d convinced herself he’d left her on purpose, but soon realized how ludicrous she was being. “I’m just having a weak moment.”
“Which you’re entitled to,” he agreed with an encouraging smile.
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?” he asked raising an eyebrow in confusion.
“Say the right things? Do the right things? Stay so strong and put together? You’ve been like this pillar since he died when I’ve been nothing but a mess.”
“Well, someone’s gotta keep it together,” he laughed lightly, but she could sense frustration in his voice. “It sure as hell isn’t going to be anyone else in my family.”
“Are you okay though?” she asked seriously.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said and then hesitated. “Well, I’m not fine. Who could be fine after the year we’ve had? But, I’m doing the best I can.”
“It’s not healthy to hold things in, ya know. Remember that promise we made to each other in the church? We promised we’d be there for each other. I don’t feel I’ve held up my end of the bargain.”
“Yes, you have,” he assured her. “By letting me help you. It’s what I need in my life right now. I need to get away from my house and feel like I’m helping Ben.”
“Why do you need to get away from your house?”
“Because it’s just bad,” he said shaking his head.
“What do you mean?” she asked confused. She spent a lot of time with the Bradley’s and while the house was still filled with sadness, she thought things were improving. “I thought things were getting better.”
“Is it getting better for you?” he asked quietly and his words pierced through her. It wasn’t getting better for her so she could only imagine how Luke and his family still felt. She looked up at him, but didn’t say anything. Her silence said it all. “Allie never even talks to me anymore. It’s like she’s completely shut down and blocked everything out. My parents fight all the time and I’m just there. It’s been seven months, but nothing’s getting better. It’s all about Ben still.”
“What’s going on with your parents?”
“I can’t really explain it. It’s like my dad wants to just keep moving along, pressing forward with life, but my mom can’t. She goes to work and everything, but she always wants to talk about Ben and my dad can’t do it, so they either fight or don’t talk.”
“I didn’t know that,” she said quietly.
“They put on a good show, especially for you because of the baby.”
She sat silently, dumbfounded by what he was telling her. Her pain had been unbearable since Ben’s death, but so had theirs.
“Ya know, sometimes my mom can’t even talk to me. Like the other day, she called me while I was out to ask me to grab something for her at the store and halfway through the conversation she started bawling and then she said she couldn’t talk to me anymore because I sounded too much like Ben and she hung up.”
“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry,” she said looking up at his solemn face, but she couldn’t blame Sharon. Luke was a constant reminder of Ben, and even though Allie was Luke’s twin, he was more like his brother and not just in their looks, like the way their foreheads crinkled in skepticism or the how they ran their hands through their hair when they were nervous or the way their identical hazel eyes had a way of looking right through you, but their personalities and mannerisms as well. They had the same laugh, the same sense of humor, the same interests and they had been best friends, almost an extension of each other.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s life. I don’t expect my parents or my sister or anyone to be okay yet. I doubt we ever will be okay. We’ll always miss him and we’ll never understand why he had to die, especially now, leaving a baby behind.” His voice was cracking and his eyes were fixed on her stomach. He raised a trembling hand and hesitantly lowered it towards her abdomen, moving slowly as if there were a force field surrounding the baby. Kathryn took his hand and eased it down until it cupped her belly. She held it there and then Luke began to sob, finally breaking down. She pulled him to her, wrapping her arms around him as he buried his face in her chest, shoulders shaking uncontrollably, and clinging to her as if he’d never let go.
Chapter 17
Luke decided to move in earlier than planned. Since graduation night, they’d been together nearly every day, getting things ready for the baby. Kathryn had received more from the baby shower than she’d expected. Her friends and family had been more than generous and again, she attributed this to what she was referring to as the pity factor. She knew everyone felt sorry for her that her child’s father was dead. Baby showers were usually joyous occasions and while hers was nice, there was an underlying sense of sadness looming throughout hers. No one got too excited and there weren’t any silly games, just good food, conversation and a lot of gifts. There were even tears when Sharon handed her a gift bag, which contained a pastel yellow knit blanket.
“It was Ben’s baby blanket. My mom knitted it for him before she passed away,” she’d said and everyone dabbed their eyes.
Kathryn had held it to her chest, trying to imagine a tiny Ben swaddled in the soft yarn and trying to imagine their baby using it.
The nursery was complete. She’d watched as her dad and Luke struggled putting the crib together, even laughing during their times of deepest frustration. It got done though and the small armoire she’d received from Dom and Val was already filled with all the clothes she’d received for the baby.
She’d wanted to paint the nursery, but the rules of the lease prohibited it. Instead, she put up lavender butterfly decals that matched the bedding and above the crib, she hung a picture of Ben in a pretty silver frame, so he would always be looking over the baby. She draped Ben’s baby blanket over the glider that sat in the corner of the room.
“It looks perfect,” Luke said as they stood in the doorway admiring the room.
“Yeah, it does. All it’s missing now is a baby,” she laughed.
“Well, that’ll come soon enough. Just a few more weeks.”
“Not soon enough,” she sighed, placing her hand on her ever expanding stomach. With her height, there wasn’t much room for the baby to grow except out and each day she felt more and more like a waddling elephant.
Besides getting the apartment ready, Luke was gearing up for classes too. As Kathryn watched him get his books and supplies, she was envious. She wouldn’t be attending classes this fall. She had to take the semester off to have the baby. Instead of going to class, she was going to be a mom, an idea she was finding more terrifying with each passing day. She assured herself she would return for the spring semester. She had to in order to make a better life for her and her daughter. It was all on her. There was no one else who could.
****
“So what’s going on with you and Luke?” Lacey asked over lunch one day at the beginning of August.
“What do you mean?”
“I hardly see you anymore. You’re always with Luke,” she said.
“I know. I’m sorry Lace,” Kathryn said apologetically.
“It’s okay. I was just curious about you two. I know he sometimes hung with you and Ben, but it’s like you’re glued at the hip now.”
“It’s hard to explain. I’m not trying to alienate you Lacey. Luke and I have just grown really close since Ben and the baby.”
“Is he a better roommate than me?” she joked.
“Better? No. Different? Yes. I miss you Lacey. I hope you’re not mad at me,” Kathryn said seriously.
“Of course I’m not mad. I miss you too. Carly can be a little high maintenance. I miss how things were with you. It was a lot more laid back. Carly’s always got something going on. Someone’s always over at the house. She’s always on, you k
now what I mean?” she asked looking over to Kathryn who nodded, understanding perfectly. “I miss our vegging out in front of the TV and doing nothing and that being okay.”
“Me too. I’m sorry Lacey.”
“No! Don’t apologize. Here I am complaining about living with Carly after what you’re dealing with. I think you made the right choice moving out. I just wanted to let you know I miss you and to see how things with Luke are going.”
“Well, Luke’s great. He’s been great,” she nodded, “And things are…” she said but stopped. She grabbed her stomach, which was spasming.
“Are you okay?” Lacey asked leaning forward.
“I…I don’t know,” she said breathlessly through gritted teeth.
“Is it the baby?” she gasped.
“I don’t know. I’ve got this really bad cramp or something. I think I might be in labor,” Kathryn managed to get out as she took a deep breath and ran through all the information she’d received at childbirth class in her mind. Her back had been hurting for a couple of days and she’d had minor cramping, which she thought had been Braxton Hicks contractions. She was still two weeks from her due date so she didn’t think it was actual labor. This cramp was different than those though.
“Should I call an ambulance?” Lacey exclaimed.
“No. No, you don’t need to do that. Can you drive me to the hospital?” Kathryn asked as she was overcome with another contraction.
“Yeah, yeah. C’mon!” Lacey said bolting up.
Kathryn reached into her purse and threw down what she thought was enough money to cover the cost of their meal.
“Seriously Kathryn? You’re worried about paying the bill?” Lacey cried.
“I don’t want to get arrested!” she replied half-jokingly, half serious.
“Geez. C’mon!” Lacey said yanking Kathryn by the arm and dragging her out of the restaurant.
She was relatively calm, breathing long and slow like she’d learned, but Lacey was a wreck. As Lacey sped to the hospital, Kathryn wondered if it might not be better if she drive and she couldn’t help be reminded of the frantic drive she and Lacey had taken to the same hospital that cool November night nearly nine months before. She tried shaking the memory from her mind. She couldn’t think about that…of losing Ben, when she was getting ready to give birth to their child.
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