His hand rested on her hips and goose bumps shot up her sides. She began kissing him harder, trying to get as much of him as she could. He responded eagerly and gently freed her hair from the elastic, brushing his fingers lightly through it until it spilled across the pillow. She didn’t even remember it was mess. All she could concentrate on was the reawakening of the feelings that had been dormant since Ben died.
She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her, kissing his lips again, trying to forget the pain and loneliness. He returned her kisses hungrily as their breathing grew hard and labored, as if they were trying to consume each other. She thought her head might explode when he suddenly stopped and pulled away. She frantically opened her eyes, meeting his familiar hazel gaze. Kathryn had forgotten how beautiful they were and as they stared down at her, they were almost surreal. She hadn’t seen those eyes in so long. She was looking at Ben and her body swelled with excitement, knowing they could be together again.
“Kathryn,” a voice called out softly, but it wasn’t Ben’s voice, even though it was coming from the face above her that looked so much like his. It was deeper and raspier and she shook her head, clearing it of all her delusions. It wasn’t Ben’s voice, but the voice of his brother. Neither the eyes nor the voice belonged to Ben. They belonged to Luke, but Kathryn realized she didn’t care. She wanted both of them.
“Kathryn,” he said again.
“What?” she whispered back, searching his face for the reason he’d stopped.
“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have…we should stop,” he stammered.
“No,” she said sternly, boring her eyes into his. “Don’t stop. Please don’t stop,” she pleaded as the words flowed out of her mouth in a steady, quick motion like a freight train and she didn’t have time to think about what she was saying. “Please, don’t stop.”
Her voice was barely above a whisper, and as the tears fell down her cheeks, he kissed them away, granting her request.
Chapter 20
Her eyes darted open and flickered around the room. She was disoriented for a moment as she adjusted to the dark and then she felt him next to her and she froze. Her arm was still draped across his bare chest and he was sleeping soundly as he breathed in deeply, his chest rising and falling. His skin was warm and balmy. The sheet was barely covering his lower half and then she realized it wasn’t covering her at all. She quickly grabbed the sheet and pulled it to her chest. Her breath began to quicken as she realized what they’d done. She moved her arm off his chest and pulled the sheet even tighter. She could barely see his silhouette in the moonlight shining in through the window, but there was just enough light to emphasize how handsome he was. The thick tawny hair, even sloped nose, full, smooth lips and strong jaw, so striking…so much like Ben.
She watched him as he slept, part of her wanting to get up and run away from what they’d done and the other part wanting to stay with him, unable to pull away. She didn’t want to be away from him. She hadn’t wanted to be away from him for so long. He was her best friend. He was the closest thing Sarah had to a father. He’d been the only constant in her life since Ben died and she wanted him close.
She’d been lost in the frenzy as he held her and touched her in ways only Ben ever had. She’d be lying if she tried to pretend she hadn’t mistaken Luke for his brother at times; the hands, so alike, the tenderness, so similar, the way he held her protectively and covered her in kisses as she thought she might burst from his touch, remembering how it felt when Ben touched her. She’d been able to forget for a while the events of the past year and just recall how much she’d loved Ben before he’d been taken from her. But she couldn’t forget now. It wasn’t Ben beside her. Ben was still gone and their little girl was sleeping only a few rooms away and now here she lay with Luke, having shared everything they could possibly share and she had no idea where things would go from here.
A whimper disturbed her thoughts. Luke stirred for a second, but before he could wake up, Kathryn was already out of the bed, searching the floor for the clothes that had been tossed aside earlier. When she couldn’t find them, she put on her robe and headed to Sarah’s room. She was squirming in her crib, getting ready to cry out for her eleven o’clock feeding. Kathryn scooped her up before she could though and sat down in the glider in the corner of the room. She held her daughter and rocked her gently as she fed. She loved this time with Sarah. It was so quiet and peaceful. Her eyes drifted to the framed picture of Ben above the crib and Kathryn quickly looked away. His smiling face and bright eyes were too much for her right now. She wondered what he was thinking. Had he seen her and Luke together? Was he mad? Was he sickened by the whole display? How could she have betrayed Ben, the love of her life? How had she let another man, especially his brother, touch her the way he had…the way only he had? A tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away.
“Hey,” Luke’s deep, husky voice interrupted quietly.
She turned to see him standing in the doorway in a pair of boxer shots.She was grateful he’d covered up, but wished he’d put on a shirt as well. He looked like a gorgeous mess standing there, leaning against the door jamb, arms folded lightly across his hard stomach, his hair all disheveled.
“Um…hi,” she said quietly, meeting his gaze briefly before looking down at Sarah. She pulled a blanket over the baby, modesty suddenly overcoming her. Why was she hiding now? Luke had seen every ounce of her a little while ago, so what did it matter now if he saw a little of her chest?
“Should I go?” he asked, concern washing over his face, obviously noticing her reaction to him seeing her like this.
“I’ll be done here in a minute,” she said without looking up and she heard his feet shuffle away.
She prolonged the feeding as long as possible, not knowing what she would say to Luke when she finished, but after twenty minutes, Sarah was fast asleep and Kathryn returned her to her crib.
The hallway was dark and she walked carefully to her room. When she turned inside, she could see Luke was still there, sitting on the bed, obviously waiting for her. Thankfully, he’d put a white undershirt on and Kathryn didn’t find him as distracting. He’d turned on the lamp next to the bed, creating a soft glow around the room. She pulled the robe tighter as she walked slowly towards him and Luke seemed to shift uncomfortably when she sat down beside him. The silence between them was deafening, but she was overly aware that Luke was beside her. There was a thickness between them, which she determined was awkwardness. Neither of them knew quite what to say. Luke had made the first move by coming in while she was feeding Sarah, but she’d pushed him away and now it was obvious he didn’t know what to do.
“Are you okay?” he finally asked when the quiet became too much.
“Yeah…I think so,” she said quietly, still unable to look up at him. “Are you okay?”
She couldn’t get over the awkwardness of the situation. It’d never been like this with Ben. It’d come easy and had been wonderful. She and Ben had been in love though. It was the natural progression of their relationship. With Luke, it was different. She didn’t know what this was with Luke. They’d gotten caught up in the moment. She’d wanted to forget everything. She’d wanted to feel alive again. She’d wanted to be close to Ben again, and Luke had done all of those things for her.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” he began and then paused for a moment before going on. “Actually, I’m pretty good.”
This last remark caused Kathryn to finally turn and look at him. He was smiling shyly as his eyes spanned over her. She blushed, but smiled back.
“What happened Luke?” she asked, meeting his eyes.
“I don’t know,” he said quietly, his face growing serious. “I don’t know what happened.”
“I think we just got caught up in the moment,” Kathryn said trying to make sense of it all.
Luke’s face grew even more serious now as his gaze focused more intently on her.
“You were so sad,” he said
somberly. “I just didn’t want you to be sad anymore. I hate it when you’re sad. I love you Kathryn,” he said and she felt her heart stop. He must’ve noticed the look of terror on her face because his mouth broke into an easy smile. “I don’t mean I love you the way my brother did. I love you as a friend, my best friend and I love my niece. I don’t want you to be sad all the time and you looked so helpless tonight, I didn’t know what to do and something told me I should kiss you and when I did, you seemed better.”
“I was,” she admitted.
“But…after the kiss…I don’t know what happened. I know I shouldn’t have…I should’ve just…” Luke stammered, but she cut him off.
“It’s not your fault. You tried to stop. If I remember correctly, I pressured you,” she said trying to joke, but feeling ashamed at the same time.
“You didn’t need to pressure me, believe me. I’ve wanted to…” he said, his rugged voice fading off as he reached up and nervously pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind where his fingers had lightly brushed her cheek. “I hope you’re not mad at me.”
She stared at him, his face so worried, like a little boy who’d broken a rule, waiting for her to respond.
“I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you Lukey,” she said with a playful grin, using the pet name his mom sometimes used with him, which he despised. He just rolled his eyes and smiled, a weight seeming to lift off his shoulders.
“Alright Kathy,” he fired back and she slugged him gently in the forearm.
“Don’t ever call me Kathy,” she warned.
“Then don’t ever call me Lukey,” he returned.
“Deal,” she said and he nodded in agreement.
“So are things going to be totally weird between us now?” he asked the seriousness returning to his voice as the playfulness of a moment ago vanished.
“I hope not,” she said truthfully, hoping they could remain as close as they’d been even after what had happened between them. She wanted this, but she didn’t know if it was possible. They were such good friends, best friends who succumbed to a vulnerable moment of shared grief. They’d found relief in each other’s embrace, but could they overcome that? Could life go on just as it’d been since before Luke’s kiss changed everything?
“Me too,” Luke said standing up to head back to his room. He leaned down to kiss her goodnight on the cheek, but before she realized it, she had turned her face so instead of her cheek, his lips met hers, once again, brushing softly and tenderly together. He seemed startled to meet the softness of her lips instead of the hollow of her cheek, but he didn’t pull back. Instead, they lingered there together, lips hovering for a few moments, until he finally pulled away.
“Good night Kathryn,” he whispered while he was still just inches from her face.
“Good night,” she said breathlessly as she fought her lips from reaching for his again.
He brushed her cheek once more, before turning to head back to his room. She watched as he walked away, knowing they would never speak of tonight again.
Part II
Chapter 21
The air was starting to turn cool and crisp again, indicating the change from summer to autumn. It had been nearly two years since Ben’s passing, and Kathryn still missed him every day. She could hardly believe Sarah had just turned one. They’d had a big party at the park near the beach to celebrate with both hers and Ben’s families. Lacey had been there too and it’d been a great day. Every day Sarah looked more and more like her father. She shared the blonde hair of both of her parents, although hers was darker like Bens, but her eyes were all her father’s. They were practically the same shade of hazel and they lit up when she smiled, just like her dad’s. Sometimes Sarah would do little things, like curl up her face when she didn’t like a new food that reminded her so much of Ben. She loved the reminders and she loved seeing him live on in Sarah, but she also had to look away at times too. Sometimes it was too painful to see such a living reminder of him. It was the way she felt when she looked at Luke sometimes.
Somehow she and Luke had managed to put their indiscretion behind them and just as she’d predicted, they never spoke of it again. It was awkward at first though. The apartment was quieter and they seemed to tread carefully around each other. She would catch herself watching Luke when he wasn’t looking, remembering his kisses and touches and sometimes longing to feel it again. If she wasn’t mistaken, she thought she caught him watching her at times too. Despite this though, they’d moved on and nothing had changed significantly since that night. Luke was still her best friend and he still doted on Sarah. Sarah adored her uncle and every day Kathryn was grateful they had him in their lives.
Her parents adored Sarah as well and to say Sharon and Scott loved Sarah would be an understatement. Ben’s parents worshiped her and spent as much time with Sarah as they could. While Kathryn never liked to be apart from Sarah, she was happy to let her stay with them sometimes. In fact, she was grateful for the time alone to work on assignments. Adjusting to life as a full-time college student and mother had taken some getting used to, but she was finally getting the hang of it and there was no way she could do it without the support of her family and Ben’s.
The new semester was going alright. It was her second semester of being back to school after Sarah’s birth and her life now consisted of taking care of Sarah, going to class, doing schoolwork, and keeping to herself at home in the apartment, much to Lacey’s disapproval.
Their relationship had changed drastically since Ben’s death and since she moved out of their apartment and moved in with Luke. They hung out sometimes, but it was becoming less and less because Kathryn was so busy and even though Lacey wouldn’t admit it, she was busy too.
Tonight was an exception though. Sharon and Scott had taken Sarah for the weekend and Kathryn had planned to catch up on a research paper, but Lacey had popped over. Kathryn couldn’t help but notice the apartment was too quiet with Sarah being at the Bradley’s and Luke out with his friends, so Lacey’s visit was a welcome relief.
“There’s a party tonight at the beach,” Lacey commented finally as they both sat around the TV.
“Are you going?” Kathryn asked her friend, still staring at the screen, but knowing what Lacey was going to say next.
“I was thinking about it,” and then Lacey hesitated. “I was thinking we could go. That’s why I stopped by.”
Kathryn pulled her gaze from the TV and stared at Lacey, who was looking at her with hopeful eyes.
“You go ahead. I think I’ll just stay here and hang out.”
“C’mon Kathryn. Come with me. It’ll be fun,” Lacey said trying to sound convincing, just like she always did. This was not a new conversation. She’d tried to get Kathryn out of the house before, but had yet to be successful.
“No. I’m just going to stay here. I’ve got some work to do.”
“No you don’t,” Lacey said staring at her disbelievingly. “You never go anywhere or do anything. You’ve probably got all your assignments done for the entire semester, so I’m not buying that excuse anymore.”
“It’s not an excuse Lacey. I really do have work to do and you’re forgetting one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m a mom now,” Kathryn replied eyeing her friend with a raised eyebrow.
“So? You’re also a college student and you’re 21 years old.”
“Single moms don’t go to frat parties.”
“Who says?”
“I do,” she laughed.
Lacey paused for a moment and stared into her friend’s eyes, wishing there was something she could do to bring the spark back to them that had once been so common. Kathryn seemed happier now. Lacey knew Sarah had helped bring some life back to her friend, but her eyes were still so vacant from the void left behind by Ben.
“Please come,” she said simply.
“Lacey…”
“I’m worried about you,”
she said lowering her voice in concern. “You need to get out of this apartment to some place other than class and please don’t take this the wrong way, but you need to do something other than go to the park or the zoo.”
“Lacey,” she pleaded, but Lacey just stared at her and Kathryn knew she was right. She loved hanging out with Sarah and taking her places, but she hardly did anything for herself anymore.
“Just give it a chance.”
Kathryn thought for a moment, expecting to reject the invitation like she always did, but before she knew what she was saying, she heard the words “Fine, I’ll go,” escape from her lips.
“Really?” Lacey asked surprised.
“I said fine,” she repeated, still shocked with herself that she had agreed. “Now don’t ask me again or I may change my mind.”
“I won’t say another word then.”
Kathryn stood up and went to her room, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling brewing in her stomach. She knew Lacey was right. She did need to get out and start living again, although the thought of stepping out of the bubble she’d built around herself over the past two years frightened her, but she thought she should try.
She changed into a clean pair of jeans and a white sweater and pulled her hair up. She grabbed her tan suede jacket and went back into the living room where Lacey was waiting for her on the couch.
“So when do we head out?” Kathryn asked reluctantly.
“The sun’s already setting, so let’s go before you change your mind.”
Kathryn cracked a smile, but knew she was right. They’d better leave before her second thoughts got the best of her.
The night was going to be a chilly one, but not unbearable. Early October used to be her favorite time of year. She thought of times before Ben’s death when the leaves started to change and the smell of pumpkin and spice lingered in the air. It had always excited her, knowing the holidays would soon be coming, but not anymore. The year Ben had died, the holidays were a complete blur to her, having blocked them out, and last year she’d been so busy with Sarah, she hadn’t had time to mope, although Ben’s absence wasn’t any easier. In fact, it was more pronounced since he’d missed his daughter’s first Christmas. To be honest, she wasn’t particularly looking forward to this year’s holidays either. It was just another reminder that Ben wasn’t around to share them with her or their daughter.
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