“So where’d you hear about this party?” Kathryn asked as Lacey drove her Jeep towards the park
“Carly told me about it. Steve’s fraternity is bringing everything,” Lacey said referring to Carly’s boyfriend. Just the mention of Carly made her cringe and immediately regret her decision, but decided she’d suck it up for Lacey’s sake.
She could see the moonlight dancing in silver waves on the small cove when Lacey pulled into the parking lot. There were already a ton of cars and Kathryn considered asking Lacey to turn around and take her home, but she didn’t. Instead, she nervously got out of the car and followed her down to the bonfire that was blazing in the distance.
She glanced around the large group, trying to see if she recognized anyone. She wanted to run back to the car and hide herself away until Lacey decided to go home. She didn’t want to be here. This scene had never been her…or Ben. They’d never really gone to parties, finding most people to be too drunk and too obnoxious to want to hang out with. She preferred hanging out at home with friends. This, she thought as she looked around, was definitely not her, but she reluctantly kept walking though, until they found Carly and Steve.
“Kathryn!” she exclaimed, leaning in and giving her hug. “I’m so glad to see you.” Kathryn knew she was just trying to be nice, but she was already annoyed with Carly.
“You guys want something to drink?”
“Sure,” Lacey said making her way over to a cooler, but Kathryn shook her head.
“How are you doing?” Carly asked in her fake voice once they were alone. It had been nearly two years and people were still walking on egg shells around her, as if she were a bowl in a China shop and the slightest mishandling might cause her to shatter into a thousand pieces. She wished people would just start treating her normally again, instead of as the dead guy’s girlfriend who’d been left behind alone and pregnant.
“I’m okay,” she replied.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Carly said, resting her hand on Kathryn’s arm, and for a second, she forgot all of Carly’s idiosyncrasies that drove her crazy and only heard her kind words. This only lasted a moment though, until Carly continued talking. “I can’t believe it’s been almost two years, ya know? It really makes you think. Life just goes on. And your little girl is so adorable too. It’s just so sad that Ben never got to meet her.”
Kathryn felt her eyes stinging with hurt and shock. She should’ve expected this from Carly. She had always been an airhead and completely unaware of how she came across to others. She knew Carly hadn’t meant to be rude or insensitive. She knew she probably wasn’t even conscious she had been. It didn’t matter though. It still hurt.
“Yeah… I’ll be right back,” Kathryn said, turning to walk away.
“Kathryn, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Carly called to her, but she just ignored her and kept walking. She found a spot at the edge of the water and stared out onto it. What was she doing here? Pretending everything was okay? Nothing was okay. It had been almost two years since she’d last seen Ben and she missed him as much now as she did a week after it happened. Although she was getting used to him not being around…getting used to the fact that no matter how many times she stared at her phone willing it to ring, he was not going to call her…getting used to the fact that he wasn’t just going to pop over to see how she was doing, her heart still ached for him as much as it ever had. She was beginning to wonder if she would ever feel normal again, or if it was even possible. She was starting to think it wasn’t, and she needed it be, for her daughter.
She turned and looked towards the crowd by the bonfire. The sky was dark now, but there was a full moon overhead and that, along with the flames, provided enough light for her to investigate the faces of the strangers. Most of them had a beer in their hand and were laughing carefree, as they should be. None of them looked like they had a care in the world as they laughed and joked and she wished she could experience those kinds of feelings again.
Then she noticed someone staring at her. He smiled and started walking towards her. She felt uncomfortable as he made his way through the crowd and before she could walk away, he was standing in front of her. He was tall with reddish-blonde hair and a scruffy goatee and he smelled of alcohol.
“Hey,” he said with a smile that she could only describe as sleazy, but she didn’t say anything in return. “I’m Ricky.” Kathryn just stared at him. “And you are?”
“Leaving,” she said turning to walk away.
“Ah, c’mon. Don’t be like that,” he laughed as he grabbed her arm to stop her. She yanked it back and glared at him. “Want some?” He held out his beer-filled plastic cup to her.
“No.”
“Why not? It’s a party.” He held out the cup again and she continued to stare at him and realized how much she missed Ben at this moment. With him, she didn’t have to worry about obnoxious guys hitting on her. She looked around quickly, wishing he would step out of the crowd to rescue her from this creep, but she knew he wouldn’t.
“That’s okay,” he said with a cocky smirk when she didn’t respond. “I’ve never seen you around here before.”
“Um…yeah...like I said earlier, I’m leaving.” She turned to walk away, but he grabbed her arm again.
“Where’re you going so soon?”
“Let me go,” she said trying to yank her arm from his grasp, but his grip was too tight.
“C’mon, don’t go,” Ricky said again, his words slurring.
She yanked her arm away from him finally and shoved her hands in her pockets as she began stomping away, hearing Ricky’s laughter from behind her. She sat down at a picnic table, noticing that Ricky had rejoined the crowd, probably already searching for his next target. She shook her head, knowing she needed to get out of here. She should never have agreed to come here with Lacey, wherever she was. She should be home studying or with her daughter. She wanted to rush over to the Bradley’s and pick up Sarah and hug her and never let her go. This whole party was a ridiculous idea.
“Are you okay?” an unfamiliar voice said interrupting her thoughts. She looked up and saw another stranger standing above her, his pale skin illuminated by the firelight.
“Excuse me?” she asked.
“I asked if you were okay. I saw that guy giving you a hard time and I was going to come over and say something but you seemed to handle it well enough,” he said with a smile.
Kathryn smiled too. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Mind if I sit down?” he asked gesturing to the spot next to her on the bench. She nodded and the stranger sat down beside her.
“Do you know that guy?”
“No. He’s just some creep who’s had too much to drink.”
“I figured as much, but don’t worry, I haven’t had anything to drink, so I’m safe,” he laughed. “I’m Jace by the way.”
“I’m Kathryn,” she said as she turned to meet his eyes and noticed how incredibly dark they were, some of the darkest eyes she’d ever seen. His hair was nearly as dark as his eyes and cut short on the sides and just slightly longer on top. The contrast of his dark hair and eyes against his pale skin was intriguing. He was wearing jeans and a black jacket and she could smell the faint scent of fresh cologne on him.
“Nice to meet you, Kathryn.”
“You too,” she said.
“So, what brings you out here tonight?”
“My friend. She claimed I needed a night out. I think I needed a night in,” she laughed.
“I know the feeling. My friends dragged me out as their designated driver. So here I am. While they get drunk, I get to watch.”
“Sounds like you got the raw end of the deal.”
“Maybe not. I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” he said flashing a smile that caused her to blush and look away.
“Like I said, the raw end of the deal,” she said nervously and then suddenly felt the urge to get back to the comfort and safety of her apartment. “It was good talking to you,
but I need to get going.”
“Oh…okay,” he said, but she couldn’t help but notice he seemed surprised by her quick departure.
She stood up to leave and looked down at him.
“It was nice to meet you, Jace.”
“You too, Kathryn.”
He smiled at her again and then she returned to the crowd to find Lacey.
She scoured the large group for her roommate, but all Kathryn saw was a sea of faces. She took out her phone and texted Lacey, hoping that would get her attention. She stood anxiously waiting for her to reply and she felt herself becoming more and more annoyed as the minutes ticked by without a response. Finally though, Lacey texted back and Kathryn found her.
“I really need to get out of here.”
“We haven’t even been here an hour,” Lacey complained.
“I know. I’m really sorry, but I just need to go home.”
“You haven’t even given it a chance.”
“I did give it a chance and all I experienced was some creep hitting on me.”
“That’s not true. I saw you with that guy, the one with the dark hair, and you looked like you were having a good time.”
“Well, I wasn’t. Can you just take me home please? I don’t care if you just drop me off and come back. I just really want to go home. I shouldn’t have come,” Kathryn begged, staring Lacey in the eye, pleading with her.
“No.”
“What do you mean no?” she gasped.
“I mean no. I won’t take you home,” Lacey said adamantly. “I’m not going to have you ruin my night. If you want to go home you can walk,” she said turning away from her friend.
“Lacey, I didn’t even want to come! You knew I didn’t want to come, but you never stop hounding me and I finally gave in, but I want to go home!” Kathryn protested.
“I’m having fun and I’m not leaving and I don’t think you should either,” Lacey said turning around just long enough to show Kathryn she was serious.
She stood in shock staring at the back of Lacey’s head, who was already reengaged with what she’d been doing. Kathryn felt her eyes begin to fill with tears and she stomped away in frustration. Her vision was blurred by the tears, and she tried to wipe them away as she began the long walk home. She was grateful for the full moon, which made it easier for her to see her way. She still couldn’t believe Lacey had abandoned her like this, but as she thought it about, she honestly couldn’t blame Lacey for her reaction. Kathryn knew she hadn’t been the easiest to be around since Ben died. She was still upset though and walked quickly trying to keep her mind on happy thoughts as she began to get scared from being alone in the dark.
She hadn’t been walking long when she saw headlights glowing and heard a car’s engine slowing from behind her. She stopped and turned to see Lacey’s Jeep beside her. Lacey rolled down the window and looked at her friend.
“Get in,” Lacey said.
Kathryn wanted to yell at Lacey for leaving her to walk home, but instead she walked around to the passenger side and got in. The two girls didn’t say a word to each other on the ride home.
“Thank you,” Kathryn said curtly as Lacey pulled to a stop in front of Kathryn’s apartment building.
“Sure. Have fun,” Lacey replied sarcastically.
Kathryn got out and Lacey sped away. Once inside the apartment, she locked the door behind her and felt her eyes beginning to fill with tears again. She leaned her back against the door as she began to sob and slid down until she had buried her head into the darkness of her bent knees, wanting to block the whole night out.
She knew she had to get herself together though before Luke got home, whenever that might be. She didn’t want him to see her like this. She didn’t want to have to explain herself. She just wanted to be alone with her grief.
****
She tossed and turned that night. Every time she thought she might drift off, a pain would surge through her heart, jolting her wide awake. Tonight had been too much and she ached to hold Sarah. She leaned over and flicked on the radio on her alarm clock, trying to drown out the thoughts that were invading her mind. A song she didn’t know pumped through the speakers. It had a soft beat, which sounded like sadness and a man’s voice began to sing, gently and comforting:
In the whisper on the wind, on the smile of a new friend, I’ll be there…Don’t be afraid, oh my love, I’ll be watching you from above, and I’d give all the world tonight to be with you, because I’m on your side and I still care…I may have died, but I’ve gone nowhere… just think of me and I’ll be there…
As the words sunk in, she felt overwhelmed with the message. It was as if Ben was speaking directly to her through the music when she needed him most. She had never been an overly religious person, but since Ben’s death, she had always felt he’d never truly left her, even when she felt alone. There were always little signs and feelings she would get, and as she lay in bed, listening to the words, she knew he was talking to her and she curled herself into a ball, hugging the comforter tightly to her chin. She began to cry again…On the edge of a waking dream, over rivers over streams, through wind and rain I’ll be there, across the wide and open sky, thousands of miles I fly to be with you, I’ll be there…The song continued to pulsate through her…In the breath of the wind that sighs, there’s no need to cry, just think of me and I’ll be there…She felt a peace wash over her and the familiar warmth encircled her. She closed her eyes and felt Ben’s arms wrap around her. It felt just like she had remembered, warm and safe and loving. She thought maybe she had died too and was finally with him again and with that feeling, she finally found the peace she was searching for.
****
The woods were unfamiliar and dark, the moonlight casting silver shadows on the rocky ground. It was eerily silent, but she wasn’t afraid. She knew he would be coming soon. There was a rustling in the trees and she stopped and looked around. She knew he was coming, but where was he? “Ben?” she called out and then she heard footsteps behind her. She spun around and saw his figure stepping out of the trees and she felt her body lunge forward wanting to run to him. She expected to feel a force stopping her, but it didn’t and she ran towards him as fast as she could. She wrapped her arms around him and he enveloped her with his. He didn’t speak, and they held each other quietly. He stroked her hair and she buried her face in his chest as he placed his palm on her stomach and said, “You are enough” before vanishing.
And with those words, she bolted awake, her body covered in sweat, although the room was cold. She sat straight up in bed thinking back to the dream. It had all seemed so real. She could still feel Ben’s arms around her and the words he’d said filled her with peace. She’d wondered if she could be enough for their daughter and Ben had assured her she was.
Chapter 22She woke up early the next day to get Sarah. The emotions of the night made her want her daughter. The Bradley’s weren’t expecting her till the following day though and Kathryn could see the disappointment on Sharon’s face. They’d planned to go the aquarium and as her eyes traveled back and forth from her daughter to Ben’s mother, she knew she couldn’t hurt Sharon that way. She hugged Sarah tightly and covered her faces with kisses.
“I’ll be back tomorrow baby. You have fun with Grammie and Papa today,” she said to her. Sarah just smiled that smile that had melted her heart from the moment she’d laid eyes on her and toddled back to Sharon.
Kathryn fought back tears during the drive home. Sometimes she hated sharing Sarah like this. She knew if Ben was still around Sharon wouldn’t feel the overwhelming need to spend so much time with Sarah, but Ben wasn’t around and Sarah was the only piece of Ben she had left. Being a mother now, Kathryn could appreciate Sharon’s situation in a way she couldn’t when Ben first died. She couldn’t imagine her life without Sarah. She shuddered to think of anything ever happening to her baby, but Sharon had lived the nightmare. Her baby had been taken from her and if sharing Sarah gave Sharon some solace, then that’s
what needed to be done.
So, instead of spending the day with her daughter, she was now browsing the internet for resources for her research paper she’d neglected the night before while Luke slept soundly in his room. She had no idea what time he’d gotten home, but she knew it must’ve been late. He had a tendency to do that when Sarah was gone. He was always home early though when she was home to help out.
Just as she was scribbling down some notes from a website, there was a knock on the door and she went and answered it, surprised to see Lacey standing there, a somber expression plastered on her face.
“Hey,” she began.
“Hey,” Kathryn said, unsure where they stood.
“I’m sorry about last night,” Lacey began and Kathryn looked at her friend who had apologies all over her face. “Can I come in?”
Kathryn nodded and Lacey walked inside. They sat down on the couch staring at each other.
“I’m really sorry Kathryn,” Lacey said again.
“How could you leave me to walk home last night?” Kathryn finally asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
“I said I’m sorry about that,” Lacey replied.
“Why’d you do it then?”
“I don’t know.”
“You have to know why you did it, so why’d you do it?” Kathryn asked again and then Lacey breathed in deeply before responding.
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