After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  Kathryn stared down at it and knew Lacey was right. She felt a lump forming in her throat as she reached over with her right hand and slid the ring off. Her finger felt lighter, like it was naked. She walked slowly over to her dresser and carefully placed it inside her jewelry box. The lid seemed to echo loudly through the room when she shut it and the lump in her throat grew more painful. She swallowed hard, forcing it down and she quickly wiped away the tears that were forming in her eyes and then turned to face Lacey.

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  Kathryn nodded quickly and brushed past Lacey to meet Trevor and Ian in the living room.

  “Everything alright?” Trevor asked looking between Lacey and Kathryn.

  “Everything’s fine. Everyone ready?” Kathryn asked as she walked out the door.

  A few moments later, she was following the group to a small black sedan. Ian got in the driver’s seat and Lacey joined him in the front seat, leaving Kathryn and Trevor with the back. She waited for Trevor to get the door for her, like Ben always had, but when she realized he wasn’t going to, she opened the door herself and crawled into the cramped backseat. Once everyone was settled, Ian began driving towards the bowling alley. Lacey and Ian were engaged in their own conversation, laughing and joking about their anatomy class, leaving Kathryn and Trevor in the awkwardness of the backseat.

  “Are you from around here?” he asked breaking the silence.

  “About a half an hour away from here in Westerly.”

  “Nice. I’m from Woonsocket.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been there,” she answered trying to sound interested, even though she wasn’t.

  “How many more years do you have?”

  “Two more. What about you?”

  “I’m a sophomore too. What’s your major?”

  “Communications. You?”

  “History.”

  “Are you going to be a teacher or something?” she asked.

  “Who knows? My parents said I needed to pick a major, so I did,” he laughed, but Kathryn didn’t think it was funny.

  “Do you at least like history?”

  “Yeah, of course I do. It’s a pretty easy major too.”

  “But you don’t know what you want to do with it?” she asked skeptically.

  “I’ll figure it out eventually.”

  “Yeah, you’ve got time,” she said, even though she couldn’t help but compare him to Ben. She knew Trevor’s thoughts were normal. Most college kids didn’t really know what they wanted out of life, but Ben had been different. He’d known exactly what he wanted to do and he was going to do it…until he died.

  Kathryn turned away from Trevor and stared at the back of the passenger seat. Trevor seemed nice enough, but she couldn’t stop comparing him to Ben and she wondered if that would ever change.

  ****

  The bowling alley was crowded and loud, which Kathryn was grateful for. The volume made it nearly impossible to talk. She got up and bowled her turn and even cheered half-heartedly when someone bowled a strike, even though all she wanted to do was go home.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Trevor said sitting down next to her between turns.

  “Yeah, it’s kind of hard to talk in here,” she said over the noise.

  “I was thinking about getting a drink. Do you want something?”

  “Uh…sure. I’ll take a Coke.”

  “Okay. Be right back.”

  Kathryn watched as he walked up the steps to the snack bar and then she turned her head back when she felt someone beside her. Lacey was sitting next to her, staring at her.

  “So, what do you think of Trevor?”

  “He’s nice.”

  “Oh that’s convincing,” she said sarcastically.

  “I’m trying, Lacey.”

  “Well, try a little harder,” she sighed and then nudged Kathryn. “Try and have fun.”

  “I will. Now, I have to go bowl,” she said standing up and walking to the lane.

  When her turn was over, she went and sat down next to Lacey and Trevor who handed her the Coke he’d bought.

  “Thanks,” she said taking a sip.

  “I hope it’s good because it was an ordeal just getting it,” he said rolling his eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I asked for two Cokes and when I tasted mine, it was a diet. I checked yours just to make sure and yeah…they were both diet. I told the guy I asked for two regular Cokes and he looked at me like I was nuts or something. I had to repeat it like three times. I swear the dude was brain dead or something.”

  Kathryn felt herself freeze. I swear the dude was brain dead or something. His words stung her heart and her mind raced back to that night in the hospital when she had learned that Ben was, in fact, brain dead…a horrible fate that Trevor joked so lightly about. Her eyes found Lacey’s, which were staring wide at her when the words registered with her as well. Kathryn’s eyes became blurry with tears and she stood up saying “Excuse me,” softly and walked away. She sat down on a bench outside as the images of Ben’s last night on Earth burned in her mind. She tried pushing them away, but they wouldn’t leave. He had looked so peaceful, so calm, and then he was gone. One minute he’d been young and alive and in love with her, and the next minute his body had betrayed him and changed everything, leaving her to try and live a life without him, which she was not prepared to do.

  “Kathryn?” Trevor’s voice asked gently causing her to look up. She used her sleeve to dry her eyes and he sat down beside her. “Lacey told me and I’m really sorry…about what I said. I didn’t know.”

  “I know you didn’t.”

  “If I’d have known, I wouldn’t have said that.”

  “I know. It’s alright,” she said quietly.

  “Are you okay?” he asked and as she looked up at him, she could tell he did feel badly. He hadn’t meant to be insensitive. He had made a comment in jest, not knowing just how hurtful it was, but he hadn’t done it intentionally.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied.

  “Do you wanna go back inside…or…?” Trevor stuttered, not quite knowing what to say to this virtual stranger who looked like she might fall apart if he said one more word.

  “I’m just going to stay out here for a little while. I’ll be back in a bit,” she told him. Trevor nodded and left her alone…alone like she’d been for the last two years and if tonight was any indication, alone like she would probably be for the rest of her life.

  “Hey,” Lacey said and Kathryn looked up to see her friend standing above her.

  “Hey.”

  “Mind if I join you?”

  “Be my guest,” Kathryn said as Lacey sat down next to her.

  “I’m really sorry for what Trevor said.”

  “It’s not his fault. He didn’t know. I’m just overly sensitive.”

  “I’m still sorry. I pushed you to come out tonight and I shouldn’t have.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” she said, although she did wish she had listened to her gut and insisted to Lacey she wasn’t ready.

  “Do you want to go home?”

  “Let’s finish the game and then go.”

  “Are you sure?” Kathryn nodded and then Lacey smiled supportively and took Kathryn’s hand and pulled her up. She linked arms with her friend and then rested her head on Kathryn’s shoulder. “It’s going to be alright,” she said and all Kathryn could do was hope her friend was right.

  ****

  The rest of the night had been awkward. No one needed to say it, but everyone knew Kathryn would probably not be seeing Trevor again. She’d finished the game and even managed to laugh a little, but when she saw Trevor and Ian driving away after dropping her and Lacey off at the apartment, she felt relief.

  “I’m sorry tonight was a bust,” Lacey said as they stood at the door.

  “Yeah, me too. I’m sure Trevor was really impressed by my unstable craziness,” Kathryn joked.

  “He didn’t think that.”
<
br />   “Stop trying to be nice. He thinks I belong in an institution.”

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “Oh yeah? Let me know what he says about me at your next class,” Kathryn laughed as she began unlocking the door.

  “Do you want me to come in and hang out? It’s pretty early after all.”

  “Nah, that’s okay. I think I’m just going to go to bed.”

  “Alright. I’ll talk to you later then,” Lacey said reaching over and gently touching Kathryn’s arm.

  “Good night Lacey,” she said smiling over to her friend. “Thanks for trying.”

  Lacey just smiled, but didn’t say anything and Kathryn could tell Lacey was regretful over how the night had turned out. She walked away and Kathryn watched until Lacey was gone and then she opened the door and walked inside.

  Luke was sitting on the couch playing Xbox. He seemed pretty involved, so Kathryn just waved to him and walked to Sarah’s room. She was sound asleep in her crib. She bent down and kissed her head. She smelled of lavender and Kathryn knew Luke had given her a bath before putting her to bed. She glanced up to the picture of Ben above Sarah’s crib and wondered what he was doing. Had he seen her with Trevor tonight? What had he thought?

  She kissed Sarah once more and then walked to her room and kicked off her shoes. She slipped out of her jeans and sweater and into a pair of gray sweatpants and an old blue hoodie. She pulled her hair up into a loose ponytail. And then her eyes found the jewelry box and she walked over to it slowly. She lifted the lid and stared at the beautiful diamond. She picked it up and turned it over and over in her hand. She went to slide it back on her finger, but then stopped and returned it to the jewelry box. She’d worn it every day since the night he proposed, but maybe she should leave it off now. She felt the lump form again in her throat and she gently shut the lid and then there was a knock on the door.

  “Come in,” she said and the door swung open.

  “You’re home early,” Luke’s voice said from the doorway. She smiled as she realized Luke would assume the date would’ve lasted longer than nine-thirty. “How’d it go?”

  “No comment,” she said sitting down on the bed.

  “That’s not a good sign,” he said chuckling lightly. “Want some company?”

  Kathryn stopped and thought for a minute and realized she didn’t want to be alone. She hadn’t wanted to be with Lacey or Trevor, but she did want to be with Luke.

  She nodded.

  “So…that bad, huh?” he asked joining her on the bed.

  “Yeah, that bad,” she laughed.

  “What happened?”

  “It was such a mess. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. I had to prove to Lacey that I could do it though and it was…terrible,” she groaned.

  “Was he a jackass or something?”

  “No, not intentionally.”

  “But he was a jackass?”

  “He made a jackass remark,” Kathryn corrected thinking back to that moment.

  “What’d he say?”

  “He didn’t mean to offend me…I mean, he had no idea about me…or Ben, but he made a remark about someone at the snack bar being brain dead because they messed up the drink order.” She looked up at Luke and she could tell he understood why she’d gotten upset. “I know he didn’t mean anything by it, but just hearing it come out of his mouth brought everything to the surface again and all I could think about was Ben at the hospital and your grandpa telling me that Ben…that Ben was…brain dead. I could still see his face and feel his skin on my fingertips,” she continued quietly as her mind drifted off again.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

  “Hey, don’t worry about it,” she said quickly wiping her eyes that had begun to tear up again. “I knew it was stupid to even try to go out. All I did was compare him to Ben all night and it made me realize he couldn’t even come close to Ben…and that there will never be another Ben.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “You’re saying I can find someone exactly like Ben? Someone who understands me like Ben, who loves me like Ben, who is perfect like Ben?” she asked softly with a hint of sarcasm.

  Luke stared at her, seeing how much she missed his brother and how damaged she had become since he died. He could still remember the way she looked when the life left her eyes that night in the hospital and looking into her blue eyes nearly two years later, they’d hardly changed. She still looked just as vacant and lost and she was still completely in love with Ben.

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I know you can’t replace Ben, but you won’t always feel like this. You’ll find someone again,” he said quietly and then nervously reached over and took her hand in his. She found him staring at her bare finger, having noticed she’d taken her ring off. He didn’t say anything, but his thumb rubbed the spot it had once been.

  “I don’t ever want to love anyone again.”

  “You don’t mean that,” Luke sighed.

  “I do mean it. Why would I ever want to go through this again? Why would I feel this pain again? I already did that. We loved each other. He was part of me and now he’s just… gone,” Kathryn said her eyes becoming blurry with tears as she choked up and he put his arms around her. “I’m so sorry for falling apart like this,” Kathryn said pulling back and wiping her eyes.

  “Don’t apologize. You’re fine.”

  “You always seem to be here at the right moment. Whenever I’m falling apart, you’re here to pick me up,” she laughed.

  “That’s what I do,” he said and smiled at her again.

  “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Me too.”

  “Let’s just watch some TV and forget about everything,” Kathryn said positively as she reached over and grabbed the remote control from her desk. She flicked it on and stretched out on the bed, propping herself up against the pillows. Luke kicked off his shoes and stretched out beside her. She flipped through the channels and they soon realized there was nothing to watch.

  “I can never understand how there can be 200 channels but nothing on TV,” Luke laughed.

  “I know,” she agreed, as she continued to search through the viewing guide. “How’s this?” Kathryn asked as the TV settled on Back to the Future, which was already half way over.

  “You can never watch Back to the Future too many times,” Luke said turning to smile at her.

  And so they laid side by side on the bed watching and Kathryn couldn’t help but notice the comfort Luke’s presence brought to her. The familiar weight of his body pressing down on the mattress, filling the spot next to her made things feel almost normal again. If she didn’t think about it too long, it was almost as if Ben was beside her once more. Luke was such a reminder of his brother. His tall, lean body was almost identical to Ben’s. Even his breathing, quick and shallow, was reminiscent of Ben’s, and as she looked over to Luke’s hands, which were folded on his stomach, she noticed his fingers were long, almost graceful, just like Ben’s and she found a part of her wanting to reach out and take his hands in hers, just to try and see what it would feel like…to see if it would be like holding Ben’s hand.

  “Are you okay?” he asked turning his gaze from the TV and looking over to her.

  “Yeah. I’m fine,” she said honestly. “I’m just glad you’re here. Hanging out with you kind of makes up for the rest of this crappy night. That was awful. I don’t want to even think about it anymore,” Kathryn said with a laugh and a shudder as she tried to put the awkwardness of the date with Trevor out of her mind.

  “Then don’t think about it. Pretend it never happened,” he laughed.

  “I like that idea. Tonight never happened. Now, I’m just going to focus on Doc and Marty,” she said with a smile, as she reached over and flicked off the lamp beside her, and turned her eyes back to the screen.

  ****

  When her eyes opened, the fluorescent lights of the TV were still dancing around the room, only instead of Back to
the Future a rerun of Friends was playing. She reached over to find the remote control when her arm brushed against something beside her. She was confused for a moment and then she remembered it was Luke. They must’ve fallen asleep watching the movie. She felt a blanket draped across her body and she knew she hadn’t covered herself. Luke must’ve done it. She smiled and looked over at him. His head was resting on the pillow next to hers and was turned slightly toward her. His eyes were closed, but his mouth was opened a crack as deep breaths escaped it. One hand was resting behind his head and the other was draped across his chest. She reached over and touched his arm and felt it was ice cold. She carefully got out of the bed and tiptoed to the linen closet where she grabbed another blanket. She gently laid it across him, and then quietly climbed back under the covers, doing her best not to wake him, but he began to stir as she settled and his eyes twitched slowly before opening just enough so she could just see the hazel of his irises.

  “What time is it?” he mumbled stretching and turning on his side.

  “Three-thirty,” she answered looking over to the alarm clock.

  “Really? I should go to my room,” he said groggily beginning to pull back the blanket she had just covered him with.

  “No. Stay,” she said taking the blanket and folding it back over him.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. You’re tired…and I don’t want to be alone,” she said quietly. “Just go back to sleep.”

  “Okay,” he agreed, obviously too exhausted to argue. His voice was low and sleepy as his eyes shut and he pulled the blanket up closer to his neck. She could tell he was asleep a few minutes later when the long, deep breaths returned. She turned on her side and went back to sleep.