After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  “What are we doing here?”

  “C’mon,” he said, getting out.

  She curiously opened the door wondering why he had brought her here.

  “What are you up to?” she asked again, meeting him at the front of the car.

  “C’mon,” he said cryptically taking her hand and leading her through a small thicket. His hand held hers tightly and a tingle ran up her arm, just as if it were Ben’s hand she was holding. His hand was a combination of smooth and roughness, just like Ben’s. There even seemed to be calluses in the same spots.

  She continued to hold on until they were through the trees and she could hear the gentle sounds of the ocean in front of her. Through the blackness, she could see the white capped waves rolling into the shore. She’d forgotten how much she missed the soothing sound of the waves.

  “What are we doing here?” she asked again.

  “It’s a clear night and you said you and Ben used to watch the stars on nights like this, so that’s what we’re going to do. What do you say?”

  She smiled at him and nodded, suddenly feeling the distance between them closing.

  They stepped off the grassy ground of the thicket and onto the soft, sinking sand of the beach and made their way to the openness of the shore. She didn’t care that it was a chilly fall night. All she cared about was that Luke was opening up to her again.

  “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever,” she began as they sat down a few feet from where the tide rolled in.

  “Yeah, it does feel that way, doesn’t it?”

  “How’s school going? Have you decided on a major yet? I know you’ve been undecided since starting,” she smirked at him.

  “I’m thinking I’ll do engineering like Ben.”

  “He’d like that I think,” she told him with a smile. “And how are things going with the ladies? Is that where you’ve been hiding?” she joked.

  “That’s none of your business,” he said.

  “Of course it’s my business.”

  “And what makes you think that?” he laughed.

  “Because I’m like your big sister. It’s my job to look out for you.”

  Even in the darkness, she could see him rolling his eyes.

  “You are hardly like my big sister,” he said flatly and she knew that both of their minds had drifted to that night a year ago, the night they never spoke of.

  She tried not to think about it and stared up at the sky. Out here, away from the lights of the city, it looked as if a salt shaker had been spilled across the sky. White and gold lights twinkled from every direction, and suddenly she felt very small and insignificant.

  “Look up there,” she said pointing up, trying to regain the normalcy between them. “There’s Orion.”

  “Where?” Luke asked straining to find the picture in the sky.

  “Right there,” she said pointing again, tracing the constellation with her finger. “See his belt, and there are his arms and his legs.”

  Luke squinted, but finally said, “Oh, I see it now,” outlining it with his index finger.

  “Did you know the ancient Egyptians lined up the Great Pyramids exactly with the stars of Orion’s belt?’

  “I’d heard something like that.”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty amazing actually. How an ancient civilization could build something so precise is mind boggling.”

  “That’s why I think aliens built the pyramids.”

  “I hope you’re joking,” she said sarcastically and continued searching the sky for the constellations she had studied in astronomy. “Look. There’s Perseus,” she said excitedly pointing up again.

  “Perseus, like in Clash of the Titans?”

  “Yeah, if that’s your only frame of reference,” she laughed. “And there’s Pegasus,” she said pointing further to her right. “And right above that is Andromeda. Do you see them?” she looked over and he nodded and she continued. “They say Perseus swept in on Pegasus to rescue Andromeda just as she was about to be eaten by a sea monster and when he saw her, Perseus instantly fell in love with her and took her away to marry her. Isn’t that romantic?” she sighed.

  “How do you know all of this?”

  “I paid attention in class. I think this stuff is fascinating,” she told him and then continued her tour of the sky. “Look, there’s Pisces,” she said pointing to a cluster of stars below Pegasus.

  “And where’s Ben?” Luke interrupted quietly.

  “What?” she asked with a sudden stab in her chest as if all the air had been deflated from her lungs. She turned to look at him, although he was still staring up.

  “There are all these things in the sky, but where do you think Ben is? Do you think he’s up there too?”

  “I don’t know,” she said quietly, the excitement of her impromptu astronomy lesson wiped out.

  “Do you ever feel him around?” he asked softly. “Because I do.”

  She thought back to the times she believed she felt him with her. The unexplainable bursts of warmth that would surround her, the feeling of his arms, the silent whispers she’d hear, and the vivid dreams that seemed to haunt her.

  “I do too,” she said quietly.

  “Sometimes I think he’s still here. I’ll turn a corner and I can almost swear I see him, but then he’s gone as fast as he appeared. I know it’s probably my imagination, but it makes me feel better to know he comes around to check on us sometimes.”

  “Me too,” she agreed almost in a whisper.

  Their eyes met and suddenly she felt completely lost in the hazel and green flecks. It had been so long since she’d really seen them. His hand reached up and tenderly stroked her cheek, sending a shudder down her spine. She slowly lifted her hand to stroke the face she had not seen or felt in so long. As her skin touched his, it was as if fire had ignited beneath her fingers. Silent tears began to fall slowly from her eyes and he reached up and wiped them away.

  “Don’t cry,” he said softly and then his arms wrapped around her, pulling her into the warmth of his body. He held her tightly, stroking her hair until he could feel that her breath had calmed down. She pulled back from him carefully, afraid to let go for fear if she did he would disappear, and looked back up into his face. She ran her hands through the thickness of his hair, feeling each strand tangle between her fingers before cupping his face again. He slowly leaned in, his tender lips kissing away the moistness of her tears. She found herself reaching up to find him with her mouth. She found the smoothness of his cheek and kissed it softly, trying to burn the feelings onto her lips. She felt his breathing quicken and he turned, laying her gently on her back. He towered over her, staring down at her perfect face, tracing its features with the tip of his fingers and then he slowly began leaning into her. Her breath was warm and sweet as it danced around him and he hesitated just inches from her face. Her arms reached up and wrapped around him, pulling him closer to her until their lips brushed lightly. He pulled back for a moment, his eyes searching her face in wonder before he pressed his lips to hers again. She pulled him to her as close as she could, her mouth exploring his hungrily, absorbing every taste and feeling she had forgotten. Tears began to fall freely from her eyes and once again he kissed them away whispering in her ear.

  “It’s okay, I’m here,” his voice said soothingly and she reached up and kissed every inch of his face, needing to feel every bit of him before she woke up from this dream and he was gone again.

  He leaned down and began tickling her neck with his lips and she felt herself smiling to the sky with a joy she hadn’t felt in so long. She had been dead inside and he was bringing her back to life.

  “I’ve missed you so much, Ben,” she said with a raspy whisper and suddenly he froze.

  “What?” he asked quietly, causing her eyes to open for the first time since he’d kissed her cheeks. As she looked up to the figure above her, her mind was pulled back from the fantasy, and she realized it was Luke looking down at her, not Ben as she had force
d herself to believe. His face looked as if he had been punched in the stomach and his brow creased in confusion as he stared down into her eyes. She gasped and pushed him as she scooted away.

  “What are we doing?” she exclaimed, staring over to the defeated figure, which was hunched over, hanging his head in his hands.

  “I don’t know,” he said quietly shaking his head.

  “Oh my gosh,” she said cupping her hand to her mouth, overwhelmed at what had just transpired between them. She had been so sure it was Ben.

  “You thought I was Ben. I’m not Ben,” he said quietly, looking up at her and for the first time since Ben’s death she saw the eyes for what they truly were: Luke’s eyes, not Ben’s. They belonged to Luke. He was not his brother, no matter how much he resembled Ben, and for too long, she had taken comfort in the similarities.

  “I’m sorry, Luke,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

  “Funny,” he smirked lightly. “I don’t recall you being this upset a year ago.”

  Her eyes darted to meet his again. Neither of them had mentioned that night since it happened.

  “We can’t pretend it didn’t happen,” he stated and then added, “Or were you just imagining I was Ben then too?”

  She could feel her mouth hanging open as she stared at him.

  “What? You’ve got nothing to say to me?” he asked staring back at her.

  “No…yes…I mean what do you expect me to say?”

  “I want to know if you were pretending I was Ben or if you can admit you wanted to kiss me. That you…you wanted to be with me that night,” he said, the sternness on his face softening.

  “I can’t do this, I just can’t,” she said standing up and walking away from him, trying to wrap her mind around the passion she had just shared with him and that night a year ago. She suddenly felt a tug on her arm and she was spun around to face Luke, who was staring down at her with hurt and sorrow.

  “Don’t walk away,” he demanded.

  “I just can’t deal with this. I can’t,” she said trying to pull away from him, but his grip was too strong.

  “I’m sorry we got carried away. I’m sorry if you were confused or delusional or whatever you claim to be, but I felt how I affected you tonight and the night we were together. You were alive Kathryn. I felt it.”

  “I thought you were Ben,” she said defensively.

  “You can keep telling yourself that, but you knew it was me and you liked it just as much I did.”

  “Why did you do it?”

  “You can’t blame me for this. You’re the one who’s always asking me to hold you and lay with you.”

  “I needed someone. I needed you.”

  “I know you did and I needed you too. I’ve needed you more than I’ve ever needed anyone,” he said loosening his grip and running his hands gently through her hair, boring his eyes into hers. “Whenever I’m with you, I understand why my brother loved you so much. I have to be honest with you. I’ve always wanted to be with you.”

  “What?” she whispered.

  “You don’t honestly think Ben was the only one who noticed the cute new blonde when you moved here? I was actually pretty disappointed when he brought you home because I knew I’d missed my chance,” he said with a playful smirk. “I used to wonder what it would be like to kiss you and hold your hand. And I…Kathryn…I,” he said reaching down and taking her hand in his as he hesitated. “I…with everything we’ve been through…I’ve…I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  She froze for a moment, absorbing what he’d just said.

  “You’re his brother,” she whispered quietly.

  He didn’t respond with words, but he slowly leaned in and brushed her lips with his as he had done earlier and she didn’t pull away.

  ****

  They’d driven home in silence, Luke’s eyes staring intently on the road and Kathryn doing everything she could not to look at him. After his last words, they’d stood on the beach silently until Kathryn walked back to the car. Luke followed and they hadn’t said anything else to each other.

  Once back at the apartment, he’d pulled into a parking stall and turned off the car. Kathryn got out the moment the car stopped, but Luke lingered behind. She walked straight to her bedroom and heard Luke enter a few minutes later. The thought of knowing he was just outside her door was causing her heart to race and her breath to quicken. She swore she heard him pause outside her door, causing her to hold her breath, but then he continued to his room and she exhaled.

  She braced herself with the chair for a moment before lying on her bed. What had just happened could not have possibly happened. There was no way Luke had just said he’d fallen in love with her. How dare he even think she loved him too. She didn’t love him. She’d never loved him. Not in the way he thought anyway. Of course she did love him. She loved his friendship and the way he treated Sarah. She loved the way he’d been there for her since Ben died and that he always knew what to say and do to make her feel better. She loved that he was always there before she even knew she needed him. She did love him, but not like he wanted. It didn’t matter that his arms felt like home or that the moment she heard the doorknob turn, she smiled in anticipation that he was home or that whenever they touched she felt a tingle. No, she insisted shaking her head and turning forcefully on her side until she was staring at the picture of Ben on the nightstand. None of that mattered. She didn’t love him…not in that way.

  Ben seemed to be staring back at her in a way he never had. While the picture was frozen, his eyes were penetrating through her, asking her what the hell she was doing. She couldn’t look at him anymore. She couldn’t face him. She flipped herself to the other side and suddenly felt more alone than she had in a long time. She was turning her back on Ben and she ached for someone to hold her and tell her the answers and show her everything would be okay. She wanted to feel arms around her so she wouldn’t be alone. She closed her eyes, trying to feel Ben’s arms around her, but the memory was practically gone now. She squeezed her eyes tighter, willing it to come back, but the only thing that came was a tear spilling down her cheek. She wouldn’t feel his arms again. He’d never hold her again. Ben was gone, but Luke…his brother, was still here and she had no trouble conjuring up the feeling of his arms around her. So warm and kind and reassuring, but no, she didn’t love him. She couldn’t love him.

  And then there was Jace. He was new and fun and more understanding than she deserved. He’d accepted all her baggage and hadn’t run away. He made her feel good inside and she liked him. She liked being with him. She hadn’t been exactly forthcoming with everything and yet, when he’d learned everything, he was okay…well, maybe not okay, but he’d accepted her nonetheless and now this thing with Luke happened to confuse things even more.

  A year ago, the night she and Luke were together, she hadn’t even been this conflicted. That night had been a moment of weakness, of loneliness, of a need to feel something. But now, the kiss and confession had changed everything because feelings were involved. It hadn’t happened in a moment of depression, it had just happened, and even though she didn’t want to admit it, she thought she wanted it to happen.

  She flipped over again and her eyes darted from the picture of Ben to the door that separated her from Luke. Then her mind drifted to Jace again. How had her life suddenly become so complicated? Guys and relationships had been off her radar for so long. She’d only recently even considered dating and Luke had never been in the equation, never in a million years, despite how close they were. She could never feel anything but close friendship for Luke, or could she? Did she? She loved him, there was no doubt about that. He caused her heart to race when he touched and kissed her, but did that mean she had feelings for him?

  No. She couldn’t think about this right now. She wouldn’t think about it. This would pass. It had been a moment of weakness for both of them again. She’d seen Luke as an extension of Ben, or was she just telling herse
lf that? She was mixed up and confused and lonely as hell. That was the only plausible explanation.

  She was tired and just wanted to get a good night’s sleep like Sharon had told her to. She quickly changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, trying not to think about Luke or Ben or Jace or anybody for that matter. She tried sleeping, but while her eyes were heavy, her mind wouldn’t stop racing. She got out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, not wanting Luke to know she was awake. She scoured the medicine cabinet and eventually found the bottle of sleeping pills that had been her best friend after Ben died. She looked at the bottle. They were probably expired, but she didn’t care. She popped two in her mouth and swallowed them down with a Dixie cup of water and then returned to her bed and waited for them to do their magic, which didn’t take long. Soon, she felt her eyes growing heavy and her mind slowing down and eventually she was asleep.

  She was on the beach again, alone and waiting for someone. She wasn’t quite sure who she was expecting, and as she stood in the sand, she was scared. The night was pitch black except for a sliver of a moon overhead that was casting eerie shadows around the shore. She felt a breeze blow behind her and she turned around suddenly feeling as if she wasn’t alone. When she spun around, she was faced with Ben who stared at her, searching her face as if he thought she was hiding something. She reached for him, but he stepped back. She felt the breeze blow again from behind her and she turned around, her heart pounding, wondering what was behind her. She was now face to face with Ben again, but then she looked more carefully and saw it was Luke. He reached for her and she stepped back, falling into the arms of Ben who held her tightly as she continued to look into the face of Luke. And then over Luke’s shoulder another face appeared. Jace was staring at her too.

  Chapter 35

  “You are so distracted. Did you even hear what I said?” Lacey asked the next day as they sat on the swings in the park watching Sarah play in the sandbox.