As quickly as she’d shoved it away, she was frantically opening the drawer again, pulling it out and standing it back up in the place it belonged. His eyes were glowing again and her uneasiness settled. He was back where he should be, next to her, watching over her. He was still there and she never wanted him to leave.
Her head jerked to the door when she heard a knock. She wiped her eyes and sniffed once more. She knew it was Luke on the other side and she didn’t want him to see her upset.
“Come in,” she said and the door swung open.
“I just wanted to see how you’re feeling,” Luke said, staying in the doorway. Even though they’d spoken briefly last night without a hint that there was anything strange between them, Kathryn knew the strain was back by the way he kept his distance.
“I’m feeling better.”
“I’m glad Jace was here to help you out,” he said, but she knew he was being sarcastic by the way he stressed Jace’s name.
“Yeah,” was all she said.
“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said and walked away, but before she could look away, he was back, standing in the doorway, leaning against the jamb with his arms folded across his chest. “So, uh, I’ve just gotta ask. Are you and him like together then?”
He was staring at her, his gaze softening as he searched her face, but he still never broke the serious line his mouth was frozen in.
“I’m not sure,” she said honestly. “I think we might be.”
He just nodded and the line on his mouth hardened even more as he looked away and focused on the corner of the room.
“So that’s it then?” he asked drawing his eyes back to her.
“What’s it?” she asked confused.
“We’re not even going to talk about what happened between us the other night, what’s been happening to us since Ben died? You’re just going to ignore it, the way you did that night a year ago?”
“Luke, please. I really don’t want to talk about it,” she pleaded quietly.
“I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it, but we need to. Plus, I think Jace ought to know.”
“Jace doesn’t need to know because there’s nothing to talk about,” Kathryn insisted.
“There are a million things to talk about,” he said, taking a step into the room.
“No, there’s not,” she said flatly.
“You can’t just ignore it Kathryn, this thing between us. The feelings, the connection.”
“You’re right,” she said and she saw a hint of hope in his eyes. “I have feelings for you. We have a connection, because you’re my best friend. You understand me in a way no one else does. You’ve been here for me in a way no else has been or could be, but what’s happened between us was a mistake.”
The hope left his eyes and the stern line returned.
“No,” he said firmly, finally crossing the room until he was only a couple of feet away. “It was not a mistake.”
“It was a mistake.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” he asked locking his eyes on hers, his words causing her to freeze.
“I’m not trying to convince anyone,” she finally retaliated. “It was a mistake that should’ve never happened. How can you not see that? You’re Ben’s little brother. How can you even think this…you and me…would be okay?”
“Because it’s what he’d want.”
“Don’t say that,” she seethed at him.
“Why not? Does it scare you to hear the truth? You know it’s what he’d want.”
“Don’t try and play that card because you don’t know what he wants. You don’t know what he wants for you and you certainly don’t know what he wants for me. Ben’s dead Luke, so don’t pretend that you know what he thinks.”
His eyes lowered in hurt as her words stung through him.
“Yeah, my brother’s dead. I know that,” he spat back sarcastically. “He died and left you and his baby behind. I’m reminded of it every day and I remember how you were when he died. And I remember when you found out you were pregnant and I remember the day you had Sarah. I remember Ben couldn’t be there, but I could and you wanted me there. I was the only one you wanted there. You were a mess until I got there. The nights you cried, you asked me to hold you. You hung onto me. You wanted me. Why is that? Because I’m your friend? No, I don’t think so,” he said shaking his head, but never leaving her gaze. “Because I’m more than your friend, that’s why.”
She didn’t know what to say. His words were playing over and over in her head.
“Kathryn,” he continued, the harshness of his voice gone now, replaced with soft gentleness. He stepped towards her again, closing the distance between them and sitting down beside her on the bed so he could take her hand in his. “The other night when I kissed you and a year ago when I was with you were the only times since Ben died that I’ve felt okay, like I can feel something again and I can’t dismiss how I feel about you.” He gently reached up and stroked her hair that was still damp from the shower and Kathryn felt her stomach do a somersault as he touched her and flashes from those nights streamed through her mind. She looked up to meet his eyes, and once again, she felt hers tear up at the sight of them. Although they looked exactly like Ben’s she knew they were Luke’s and yet they still caused her stomach to flutter and her knees to weaken.
“Luke, we can’t do this. I’m sorry,” she began as he stroked her cheek and held onto her hand with his free one.
“Why not?” he asked as his hand fell from her face.
“Because, like I’ve already told you, you’re his brother,” she said as a tear ran down her cheek.
“You keep saying that, but that’s not a real reason. You’re just scared.”
“I’m not scared. We just can’t do this,” she said quietly. “This is wrong.”
“Why is it wrong?” he demanded.
“Because it is. It’s for all the wrong reasons. This isn’t about us at all. It’s about Ben. Don’t you see that? We’re feeling this because it makes us both feel closer to Ben. He’s the connection we have. It’s not a connection with each other, it’s our connection to him.”
“That’s not true and you know it. That may have been how it started, but that’s not what it is now and that’s not what it’s been for a very long time.”
“Luke, I’m just not ready for this,” she said pleadingly at him. “Please don’t push this. I couldn’t stand it if I lost you as a friend.”
“Well, I don’t think I could stand it if you were only my friend, not anymore,” he said and it was if the world stopped with his words.
“Luke,” she begged.
“I’m just telling you like it is. If Ben’s death taught me anything it’s to tell the people you care about how you feel about them and that’s what I’m doing.”
She stared hard at him and part of her wanted to reach out and hold him, but the rest of her knew it was just a tangled web of emotions she was trying to work her way through.
“I just can’t deal with this right now Luke, so just…just go.”
He stood up and looked at her with determined eyes as if telling her without words this conversation wasn’t over.
“Fine. I’ll go, but if you think about it, you’ll see what I see,” and with that, he let go of her hand and left the room.
Her eyes, still warm with tears, found the picture of Ben again and if she didn’t think about it too long, she could mistake him for Luke. Two brothers, so alike with the same thick dusty hair, only Luke’s was slightly darker. The same full lips that raised a little higher on the left side when they smiled and the nearly identical hazel eyes that had confused her on more than one occasion. Despite how physically alike they were at times, nothing could mask their differences, which she had only noticed since Ben died. Ben and Luke were both kind and funny and goofy at times, but Luke was more serious and intense than his brother. Maybe he hadn’t always been like that, maybe Kathryn had never noticed it
before, but Luke was passionate and ardent in a way Ben never had been or at least she thought that. Maybe Ben had been that way; she’d just never had a chance to see that side of him. In a strange way, she felt closer to Luke. Perhaps that was because of everything they’d been through together since Ben died. While she thought her life with Ben had been trying at times, it was nothing compared to what she’d shared with Luke over the past two years. Compared to the last two years, her life with Ben had been carefree, filled with high school problems, like not getting to spend as much time together as they wanted or getting jealous when another girl flirted with him. All of that seemed so ridiculous now. With Luke, her life had been crazy. She’d lost her fiancé. She had a baby. Her life was not her own anymore and through it all had been one person: Luke.
She tore her eyes from the picture and stared at the door Luke had just walked out of. Ben was the love of her life. She missed him so much her heart ached, but what about Luke? She did love him. She loved everything about him. She loved how he reminded her of Ben at times. She loved how he had stepped in and picked her up when she hit rock bottom. And most importantly she loved who he was. His selfless commitment to her and Sarah had made her love him even more and she couldn’t forget that. She could never forget what he’d done for her and her daughter and she didn’t want to forget. She didn’t want him to ever go away. She always wanted him around, but what about what he’d said, what he’d forced her to think about? She loved being in his arms and she felt a pit form in her stomach as she finally admitted that she loved the feeling of his lips on hers as well…so like home…so easy. But No, she thought, she couldn’t enjoy it because she didn’t love him, not the way he wanted, not when there was Jace in her life and not when there was Ben and there would always Ben.
Chapter 39
The awkwardness returned and as it lingered, Kathryn was afraid it would never go away. It was just too strange. The friendship with Luke that had once come so easily was now a strain to even act normal around each other, but they both tried, for Sarah’s sake.
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t think about the conversation with Luke…a lot. Whenever she saw him, his words echoed in her ears and she’d really be lying if she didn’t question everything he said because even if she didn’t want to admit it, part of her knew there was some truth to his words and it scared her.
She tried not to think about it though. She couldn’t think about it. Instead, she stayed busy with Sarah, school, and Jace. Spending time with Jace was a good distraction. She loved seeing him with Sarah. He was kind and sweet and Sarah seemed to like him too. He would come over after work and they’d play with Sarah till she went to bed and then they would watch TV together or just talk. He was easy to talk to, but she still couldn’t let her barrier down completely. The closer they got, the more it scared her. She tried not to let it show though and if it did, Jace didn’t let on.
Kathryn had just finished putting Sarah to bed and Jace was waiting for her in the living room with a pizza he’d picked up on the way over. Thankfully, Luke was gone. She wasn’t sure if Luke planned it or not, but he was rarely home when Jace came over. Kathryn knew it was better that way, especially knowing how he felt now.
She sighed and sat down on the couch next to Jace.
“That was a loud sigh,” he said reaching up and stroking her cheek. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just tired.”
“I can go home if you’d rather go to bed.”
“No,” she said quickly. “I’m glad you’re here. School’s just been crazy lately and Sarah’s been exceptionally cranky. I need a night of relaxation. That’s where you come in,” she said sitting up and picking up a piece of pizza out of the open box, which lay on the coffee table.
“Glad I could be of service,” he laughed, taking a piece and leaning back next to her.
“Are you sure you want to watch this?” she asked holding up the romantic comedy she’d picked up at the Red Box.
“Whatever. I’m just here to see you,” he said and Kathryn felt her cheeks flush. She still couldn’t get used to Jace complimenting her. She still couldn’t accept that she was his girlfriend, more or less. They’d yet to designate any formal status to their relationship, but they spent most of their free time together and acted like a couple, so Kathryn just assumed they were a couple. The term made her uncomfortable though, so she tried not to think about it.
She just smiled at Jace and stood up and put the DVD in and returned to her spot beside him. As they watched, she inched closer to him, until they were both sinking in towards each other where the cushions met. He curled his hands in hers and her eyes began to grow heavy. It’d been a long week and now that she was finally relaxing, her body was ready to shut off for the night. She could feel herself dozing off and tried to fight it, but after a few failed attempts she was out.
She was woken by Sarah. She was crying and Kathryn stirred awake, lifting her head from where it’d been resting on Jace’s shoulder and looked around, pushing herself to go to her, until she felt Jace’s hand on her knee.
“Stay here. I got this,” he said patting her knee. He got up and went down the hall.
She leaned her head back and sighed with a smile. Stay here. I got this. His words were like music to her ears. She’d wanted to hear those words for so long. As Sarah continued to cry, Kathryn smiled again. While Jace’s gesture was sweet, she wondered if he’d be able to get Sarah settled again. She wondered how long she should wait until she went in to save the day. Surprisingly though, Sarah’s whimpers grew calmer and soon they were gone. Kathryn held her breath as she waited for her daughter to begin crying again, but she didn’t and a few minutes later, Jace was back.
“Everything okay?” she asked once he was sitting beside her again.
“Yeah. Her pacifier just fell out and she couldn’t find it,” he replied as if it was no big deal.
“And she was okay with you helping her out?” she asked with a grin.
“Of course,” he said shrugging. “She seemed a little startled to see me, but I think she was still half-asleep to be honest, so I found the pacifier and she was basically fine.”
“Thanks for taking care of her.”
“No problem. You looked pretty content,” he said resting his hand on her knee.
“I was.”
“Well, you’re missing out on this wonderful movie you picked out,” he said with a sarcastic grin.
“That bad, huh?”
“It’s not terrible. Just very predictable.”
“How much have I missed?”
“About half.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said turning to look at her with the dark eyes that made her stomach flip-flop with excitement and unease at the same time. “Whatever I can do to make your life a little bit easier, I will.” She blushed again and then she felt his hand on her cheek, stroking it gently as he leaned in slowly and kissed her softly, causing goosebumps to shoot up her spine. He pulled back for a moment and smiled at her before kissing her again, this time with more enthusiasm. His arms wrapped around her and hers responded likewise. Her head was practically swimming when the sound of someone fiddling with the doorknob interrupted. They pulled apart abruptly and looked towards the door just in time to see Luke walking in. A few steps behind him was a girl Kathryn had never seen before. She was tall and thin, like someone you might see walking down a fashion runway. She had long auburn hair that hung to her waist and even from her seat on the couch, Kathryn could see her piercing green eyes. She was wearing tight jeans with an equally tight black sweater.
“Oh, hey,” Luke said closing the door behind them. “I didn’t know you’d be home.”
“Where else would I be?” Kathryn asked, unsure if her voice sounded snotty or not.
“I thought you guys might have plans,” he replied.
“Nope,” she said shortly. “I do have a daughter.”
“Is Sarah sleeping?” he
asked and she nodded.
Luke and the girl walked into the living room and they sat down on the loveseat. Kathryn felt herself staring at the obviously attractive girl next to Luke and wondered who she was and why Luke had never mentioned her.
“This is Jessica, by the way,” he said looking in the red head’s direction.
Jessica smiled and Kathryn was surprised to see her smile was shy and nervous. She never would’ve guessed someone who looked like that would ever be shy. Kathryn assumed she would exude confidence and even arrogance, but she seemed the complete opposite.
“This is my roommate, Kathryn and that’s Jace,” Luke said, introducing them, but Kathryn noticed how Luke never looked at Jace.
“Hi,” Kathryn said, trying to sound relaxed, even though she didn’t like the way Luke had barged in on her and Jace and if she was being perfectly honest with herself, she didn’t like seeing Jessica sitting so closely to Luke or the fact that his hand was resting on her thigh. He’d never brought a girl to the apartment. Logically, she knew he probably hooked up with girls, but she’d never given it much thought. She wasn’t sure if this was done subconsciously or not. She didn’t want to think of Luke with girls. He was hers. Luke. Faithful, reliable, dependable Luke. He didn’t go out with girls. He wasn’t like that. He went to school and came home and hung out with her and Sarah, at least that’s what she wanted to believe.
“So,” Luke said looking around. “What are you guys doing tonight?”
“Uh…watching a movie and eating pizza,” Kathryn said sarcastically pointing to the pizza box on the coffee table. “I thought that was pretty obvious.”
Luke stared at her and the longer the look lingered, it was apparent he was taken aback by her reaction.
“Yeah, I guess it is Kate,” he said with a smirk.
Jessica was looking between Luke and Kathryn curiously, which made Kathryn cringe. If Jessica was picking up on it, then she knew Jace was too and she couldn’t let that happen.
“So what are you guys doing tonight?” Jace finally asked a few moments later. Kathryn was grateful he said something because she couldn’t stand the quiet, but she didn’t know what to say either.
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