“Not much. We were just hanging out with some friends and decided to come over here. I thought it might be a little quieter here,” Luke said and Kathryn found herself shuddering at his implication. Why’d he want to take Jessica to some place quieter? Why’d they need a quiet place?
“Sorry we interrupted your plans,” Kathryn said, trying to sound as if she was joking, but she guessed it came across more as annoyance.
“No, you guys are fine,” he said meeting her gaze with the same smirk as earlier.
Sarah began crying again, and everyone’s attention turned to the hallway, toward her bedroom.
“I guess I didn’t work my magic after all,” Jace joked.
“You were great,” she reassured him with a smile. “I’ll go take care of her.”
She rose from the couch and walked quickly to Sarah’s room. She was still lying down in her crib, and just like before, the pacifier was laying a few inches away. With her eyes still shut, Sarah’s little hand was searching desperately for it, but it was always just out of reach. Kathryn picked up the pacifier and placed it back in Sarah’s mouth. She began sucking away eagerly and looked as peaceful as could be, now that her little world was right again in the soft glow of the dark room, the only light coming from her butterfly nightlight. Kathryn stared down at her daughter and smiled. There was nothing better than seeing Sarah happy and content. It didn’t matter what was happening in her life, as long as Sarah was alright, that was all that mattered. Kathryn rubbed the top of Sarah’s head gently, and then turned to get back to Jace, but she jumped when she saw a silhouette in the darkness. Luke was standing only a few feet from her.
“Is she okay?” he asked quietly.
“She’s fine,” Kathryn said softly and then brushed past him to get back to the living room, but felt Luke’s grip on her arm before she could leave the bedroom. “What are you doing?” she asked, glaring down at the hold he had on her arm.
“You can’t deny it,” he said loosening his grasp, but not letting go completely, knowing she’d just walk away.
“Deny what? What are you talking about?” she whispered gruffly.
“I’m talking about you and me.”
“You’re delusional Luke.”
“No, I’m not,” he said keeping his voice so low she could barely hear him, but she knew exactly what he was saying by the intensity in his eyes.
“Drop it,” she spat quietly tearing her arm from him.
“You can’t deny it,” he whispered again, stepping so close she could feel his warm breath on her cheek. “You seemed pretty upset over Jessica being here.”
“Why would I be upset that you’re hanging out with someone like that?”
“Someone like what?” he asked curiously.
“Where’d you meet her anyway? On a stripper pole?” Kathryn sneered. “Because that’s where she looks like she belongs.”
He didn’t answer her question or address her attack on Jessica. Instead he said, “You’re jealous.” The left side of his mouth rose a little higher as a smile spread over his face.
She started laughing quietly, hoping not to wake Sarah.
“I’m not jealous.”
“Yes, you are,” he said stepping even closer and she could feel her heartbeat starting to quicken. “You’re jealous.” He reached his hand up and cupped her cheek, allowing his fingers to fall slowly down a few moments later, leaving a trail of tingles behind. “You don’t like seeing me with another girl.” The smile on his face was irritating and she shook her head, trying to keep the tears at bay. His mouth was only inches from her ear now and then whispered, “Well, now you know how I feel every time I see you with him.” His lips brushed her cheek a moment later and lingered there, causing her breath to quicken. “Just remember this. Remember this feeling and know that’s what I have to feel every day.” His voice was soft, yet so determined and when he pulled back and stared at her, she couldn’t say anything in return. He just continued gazing at her, with the intent smile and pleading eyes until he finally stepped away and left the room.
“Yeah, she’s fine. Sarah’s just being a little difficult,” she could hear Luke say when he’d rejoined Jace and Jessica in the living room. She quickly wiped her eyes and tried to regain her composure. Her heart was still pounding and her stomach was almost nauseous from his lingering presence. She was practically shaking, thinking of him being so close, causing her to react in a way she didn’t expect, and all the while Jace, wonderful Jace, was just down the hall. He could’ve walked in. He could’ve seen everything. Luke could’ve ruined everything.
She walked back over to Sarah’s crib and looked inside. She was still sleeping peacefully, but Kathryn couldn’t return just yet. Jace couldn’t see her frazzled like this. Instead, her eyes drifted towards the silver-framed picture of Ben above the crib. In the shadows of the darkened room, she could barely make out his face, but it didn’t matter that she couldn’t see his eyes. She knew how he was looking at her. She knew he was disgusted by her, disappointed in what she was doing…leaving him behind for Jace and even worse, the complications of her relationship with his brother.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, staring up at the photograph, and then gently scooping Sarah up out her crib. She stirred for a moment, but once Kathryn held her to her chest and began rocking back and forth, she was sound asleep again. Kathryn held her tightly, never wanting to let go…wanting to feel everything about Sarah that was Ben. “I’m sorry you’re dad’s not here with us and I’m sorry for messing everything up. You deserve more. You deserve better than me,” she whispered to her sleeping daughter as the tears fell from her cheeks.
“Is everything okay?” Jace’s deep voice interrupted quietly from the doorway. She looked up, hoping he couldn’t see the tears in the dimly lit room.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” she lied, trying to sound alright.
He stepped into the room and walked over to her side. He stroked Sarah’s back for a minute, before turning to Kathryn, who couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
“Everything’s not fine,” he concluded when he looked at her, seeing straight through her façade.
He put his arm around her and she tried not to cringe. His touch felt so good, so right, so why had she reacted to Luke that way? How could she when Jace made her feel the way he did? None of it made any sense.
“What happened?” he continued to prod. “Everything was fine.”
“It is fine,” she said and she sniffed, completely blowing her cover.
“No, it’s not,” he said flatly.
“I’m just having one of those moments where everything in the world sucks,” she said hoping it would appease him. She’d been a basket case since the day he met her, so this shouldn’t surprise him.
“I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but…” he said and then paused. “I heard what you were saying to Sarah.”
She finally looked and met his eyes, mortified he’d heard her.
“You shouldn’t have been listening,” she said defensively.
“I wasn’t trying to, but I heard it when I came in to check on you,” he said as he rubbed her back with his fingertips. “What you said, it’s not true. Sarah does deserve you.”
She winced at his words because she didn’t believe it.
“She doesn’t deserve a dead father,” she said antagonistically, stepping away from him and placing Sarah back in the crib and walking quickly past Jace. She went into her bedroom, knowing she couldn’t go into the living room like this. Luke would see how much he’d affected her and she couldn’t have that.
She stood in the middle of the room not knowing what to do, and even though Jace didn’t say anything, she knew the instant he’d stepped inside.
“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” she said, not bothering to turn around. She was too embarrassed by how she’d treated him.
She could hear him striding across the carpet and stopping behind her. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her c
losely to his chest, dwarfing her by his tall frame, as he rested his chin on the top of her head.
“It’s okay,” he said softly.
“I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just get so sad sometimes and I don’t know why,” she said, which was partially true. She knew what had instigated this latest round of distress: Luke. But he wasn’t the only reason. She still missed Ben so much and found it as difficult as ever to put her whole heart into her relationship with Jace, when her whole heart still belonged to Ben.
“You don’t need to explain. Just know that you’re an awesome mom.”
“Thanks,” she said turning so she was facing him. She wrapped her arms around him and he did the same. Being in his arms should’ve made everything alright, it should’ve erased everything Luke had said earlier and everything she’d felt, but all it did was make her even more confused.
“Do you wanna go back and finish the movie or would you rather call it a night?” he asked gesturing to the living room.
“If you don’t mind, I think I’m just going to go to bed,” she said, not wanting him to leave, but wanting to be alone at the same time.
“Okay, sure,” he said, almost stuttering and she knew he was taken aback by her answer.
“You’re not mad, are you?”
“No. Disappointed yes, but mad? No,” he said, taking her hands in his. “Can I call you tomorrow then?”
“I’m counting on it,” she said as they walked to the front door. Luke and Jessica were still sitting on the loveseat. The movie was still playing, but they weren’t paying attention to anything but each other.
“I’ll see you later,” Jace said leaning in and kissing her before opening the door.
“Okay,” she said squeezing his hand and smiling at him.
“Bye Luke. It was nice to meet you Jessica,” Jace said before he left.
“Later Jace,” Luke said not looking up from Jessica, while Jessica eeked out a quiet, “You too.”
“Bye Kathryn,” Jace said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek once more before turning and walking out. She shut the door behind him, holding onto the knob a little longer than was normal as she sighed and mulled over the barrage of thoughts racing through her mind, before turning to walk back to her room. Out of the corner of her eye, she couldn’t help but see Luke and Jessica, snuggling on the couch. Jessica was giggling softly as Luke whispered something in her ear. The whole scene made her nauseous and completely uncomfortable and in her own house even. What made it even worse was that he didn’t even like Jessica. He was just stringing her along, which was a total jerk thing to do, and unlike any move his brother would ever pull. She just rolled her eyes and continued to her bedroom.
She quickly changed into a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt before heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. She could hear Luke and Jessica chatting in the living room and she hoped that was all they would be doing.
Once back in her room, she crawled under the covers and picked up the Jodi Picoult novel she was in the middle of and tried to read to keep her mind off of everything. It was no use though. Not even her favorite author could distract her from Jace and Luke…mostly Luke. What a mess she was in…a mess she never would’ve predicted. When Ben died, she thought her life was over. Even with Sarah, part of her still felt empty because he was gone. She never thought she’d care for anyone again. She never thought she’d want to care for anyone again, but then Jace came along and showed her it might be possible. It might be possible to love again, to keep part of Ben with her forever, while caring about someone else. But then Luke changed everything. He was her best friend, who, out of the blue, altered it all. But then she thought about it. Had it really been as unexpected as she made it out to be? If she was honest, the answer was no. The thing between them hadn’t just popped up. It’d been there since Ben died. Luke had been the strength she didn’t have. He’d been there through everything. He was always there whenever she needed him and she loved him. She truly loved him…as a friend. Yes, it was only a friend, she insisted to herself. It couldn’t be as anything else, but then she closed her eyes and thought of his warm breath on her cheek and his arms around her. And then her mind drifted back to that night…when they’d been together. How for those moments, everything was okay again. She had forced herself not to think of that night because if she allowed herself to remember, she might remember what it had felt like to be with him, and if she was honest, it had been amazing. She couldn’t let it be amazing because it was Luke and she’d betrayed Ben with his brother of all people. Her loneliness didn’t excuse her actions, but she’d wanted it, she’d wanted Luke and now she was paying for it. She shouldn’t care that he was in the living room with that girl, who obviously didn’t have a brain in her head because she couldn’t see Luke was only using her. But she did care and she cared that it bothered her because it shouldn’t. They weren’t together. They’d never be together. They shouldn’t be together.
With frustration overwhelming her, she flung the book across the room so it banged against the wall with a thud and fell to the floor, bent and crumpled, just like she felt. She turned on her side and when she saw Ben’s smiling face staring back at her, her eyes filled with tears again. She reached for the picture and clung tightly to it.
“Why did you have to leave?” she whispered to him. “If you’d never left, everything would be okay. I’m a mess. My life’s a mess and I miss you. I miss you so much. Why’d you have to leave? Why can’t you come back?” She turned the picture around and stared down at it. The smile hadn’t changed. The smile would never change because he would never change because he was gone. He was dead. Dead. So final a word, but it was the truth. He wasn’t coming back. He’d left her here alone. He’d left her behind and he wasn’t coming back and she hated him for it.
“I hate you!” she cried and before she knew what she was doing, the picture was flying across the room, crashing against the wall, and landing in a pile of shattered glass next to the book, which looked equally pathetic.
She bolted up, staring at what she had just done. She flung the covers back and shot from the bed, over to the mess on the floor.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t hate you,” she cried grabbing the broken frame and dusting the pieces of glass off his face so quickly, she cut her finger. She wiped the blood onto her sweats and continued cleaning off the picture.
“Kathryn,” Luke’s voice called urgently from the other side of the door. “Kathryn, are you okay?”
“Go away,” she cried.
“What happened? Are you alright?” he persisted, knocking on the door.
“I’m fine.”
“I’m coming in,” he said and the door opened, but she reached out and tried to stop him by placing her hand on the door to block it, but he pushed through anyway and stopped when he found her huddled on the floor in a pile of glass. And then his eyes saw what she was holding and he realized what she had done.
“I told you to go away and I meant it,” she growled at him.
“But Kathryn,” he said softly, the antagonistic air he’d exhibited all night was completely gone.
“I said to go away, so please just go,” she pleaded.
“I can’t.”
“Go!” she exclaimed.
Luke stood frozen at the door, looking down at her so sad and defeated…so like she used to look. He hadn’t seen her like this since right after Ben died, but staring down at her, she looked even more lost.
“Kathryn…please,” he said quietly again.
“Just go away. Please Luke. Go away. You wanted to a reaction from me, well, you got it, now just leave me alone,” she said, her voice finally calming again.
“But Kathryn, I didn’t mean to…” he continued.
“Just go Luke,” she pleaded and her hand reached up and gently pushed on the door, trying to shut it on him, until he finally relented and walked away.
She looked around at the pathetic mess she was,
sitting on the floor, surrounded by shards of glass, grasping the picture of her dead fiancé she’d just chucked across the room. She held her breath, listening for Sarah. Her room was still quiet. Amazingly, she’d not woken up and Kathryn cringed knowing she’d fallen apart so suddenly with her daughter only a few doors away. And then her eyes drifted back down to the picture. How could she have said those hateful words to Ben?
“I’m sorry. I don’t hate you,” she whispered again, tracing the lines of his face, imagining what it would feel like to touch his skin again, to have him next to her, to hear his voice just one more time. She sat staring at the picture, unable to look away, pushing the words I’m sorry over and over from her mind, hoping he could hear her.
****
The glass was cleaned up as best she could without pulling out the vacuum cleaner and waking up Sarah. The apartment was dark and quiet and Kathryn was finally sleeping, the picture resting on the nightstand the best it could in its broken, glassless frame. The sleep was deep and dreamless, the emotions of the night having exhausted her.
Something stirred her though and her eyes fluttered open as she tried to focus on the dark room and she felt someone on the edge of the mattress. Her eyes found a dim silhouette and she jumped in surprise.
“Did I scare you?” Luke’s voice cut through the darkness.
“Of course you scared me,” she snapped, her heart pounding from the startle.
“I’m sorry,” he said and the room grew quiet again.
“What are you doing in here?” she asked a few moments later, her voice curt, having not forgotten about everything that had happened between them lately.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I told you I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine,” he said reaching over and stroking her hair. She wanted to swat his hand away, but it felt too good.
“I am.”
“Then why’d you chuck Ben’s picture across the room?” he asked bluntly.
After the Sky Fell Down Page 30