She just ignored him and quickly turned on her other side so her back was facing him. She didn’t even realize she was crying till she felt the wet pillow against her cheek. The mattress moved and then she felt Luke beside her, spooned against her back, holding her as she cried.
“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he whispered into her ear. “I wish you didn’t have to miss him so much. I wish you could be happy.”
“I am happy,” she said softly.
“You’re a terrible liar,” he continued as he gently rubbed her arm with his fingertips. “But I think you could be happy.”
“I’ll never be happy,” she returned.
“You will be,” he insisted and then she felt him kiss the top of her head as he continued stroking her arm for a moment before his hand reached up and brushed the hair away from her neck. His fingertips began tracing the line of her neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind.
“We can’t do this,” she said quietly.
“Do what?” he asked, his hand suddenly leaving her neck.
“This. You and me. We can’t. It has to stop.”
“I’m just trying to help you. That’s all I want to do.”
“If you really want to help me, you’ll go and stop messing with my head.”
His body stiffened as he sat up.
“All I want to do is be here for you. I’ve always been here for you,” he said, his deep voice sad and troubled.
“I know, but just…just stop,” she said, wincing as the words came out of her mouth. “Just leave me alone.”
The room was silent and all she could hear was the shallow breaths of Luke. She was overly aware of his presence next to her and she knew if he didn’t leave soon, she’d ask him to stay and she couldn’t let that happen.
“Okay,” he spoke softly and she felt his weight leave the mattress. She forced herself not to turn and stop him as he walked out of the room. Instead, she stayed staring at the wall, where she remained the rest of the night.
Chapter 40Luke was gone when she woke up the next morning. She had no idea where he was or when he’d left. She had her suspicions it was after their midnight conversation, but she couldn’t be sure. What had started out as a relaxing evening with Jace the previous night had turned into a disappearing Luke, an unsuspecting Jace and a very distressed Kathryn.
Sarah was enjoying her breakfast when her phone rang. She knew instantly it was Jace.
“Good morning,” his warm voice sang through the receiver.
“Hey,” she said trying to sound relaxed and normal.
“Are you feeling better today?”
“Yeah,” she said and wondered how convincing she was.
“Can we hang out?” he asked hopefully.
Kathryn paused. She wanted to see Jace, but she couldn’t see Jace right now. Her head was too messed up.
“Actually,” she began and then he cut her off.
“Uh oh. This doesn’t sound good,” he said with a light laugh, but she knew he didn’t think it was funny.
“I told my mom I’d come by so she could see Sarah today,” she stuttered, thinking of the first thing that came to her mind.
“Sure, okay,” he replied. She had a feeling he wanted to say more, but Jace being Jace, he didn’t.
“I’ll call you tomorrow though, okay?” she said, trying to put him at ease.
“Alright. Have fun with your mom.”
“Thanks,” she said and hung up the phone.
A pit was forming in her stomach. She’d lied to Jace and Luke was MIA. She looked down at Sarah who had just finished her breakfast and she knew what she needed to do.
****
“Mom!” Kathryn called as she shut the front door behind her. After Jace called, she’d bundled Sarah up, got in the car and drove directly to her parent’s house. She needed to talk to her mom.
“Kathryn?” her mom called out in surprise. She turned the corner and saw her daughter standing in the entryway looking distraught. “What are you doing here? I didn’t think you were coming home this weekend.”
“I wasn’t, but I need to talk to you,” she said walking to her mother and giving her a hug. Sarah reached for her grandmother, who took her in her arms.
“Is everything okay?” she asked concerned. For the past two years Kathryn had been a different person, a wave of emotions changing from happy to sad to lively to depressed in the blink of an eye. Today she seemed nervous.
“I just need to talk to you.”
“Okay, come into the kitchen.”
Kathryn sat at the counter and grabbed an orange from the fruit basket on the counter. She began peeling it, letting the orange rind fall to the granite tabletop.
“You seem antsy. What did you need to talk about?”
“Mom,” she sighed, pounding the orange onto the counter. “I’m so confused!”
“What’s going on?” her mom asked as Sarah squirmed in her lap. She set her down and Sarah toddled over to the blocks her grandparents kept for her in the living room.
“I’m just a mess. It’s been two years and I’m still a mess. I can’t stop thinking about Ben. He’s always there wherever I turn and I just can’t take it anymore. Just when I think I’ve got a hold on things, like I’m finally regaining control of myself, something happens and it’s all ruined,” she said quickly, her words flowing together so they sounded like a garbled mess and her eyes filled with tears.
“What’s going on?” her mom asked, taking Kathryn’s hand as the orange rolled to the end of the tabletop.
“It’s so complicated and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where to start.”
“First calm down. Take a deep breath and start at the beginning.”
Kathryn breathed in deeply until the lump in her throat had disappeared and she wiped the tears from her face.
“Well,” she began hesitantly. “I met someone.” Kathryn looked up, expecting a look of disapproval, but instead, she saw a flicker in her mother’s eyes.
“That’s great,” she said encouragingly. “Tell me about him.”
“His name is Jace Curtis and he’s from Nebraska. I met him at a party Lacey drug me to and we’ve been hanging out and talking ever since,” Kathryn said looking down.
“What’s the problem then?”
“I really like him.”
“But?”
“But there are some…complications.”
“What do you mean by complications?” her mother asked raising an eyebrow.
“Well, for one thing, I feel like I’m betraying Ben and his memory.”
“You’re not betraying him,” she said seriously.
“I feel like I’m…I don’t know…disrespecting him…cheating on him.”
Her mother sighed, searching her mind for the right words before speaking. “It’s normal to feel that way. You loved Ben very much. No one expects you to stop loving him.”
“But I feel like it’s wrong…like I should be alone the rest of my life because when I’m with someone else, I feel horrible for having feelings for someone besides him.”
“Honey, it’s not wrong. It’s part of the grieving process and you’ve got to accept it and try and move on. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that you’re seeing someone. Your dad and I have been so worried about you since Ben died.”
“Mom,” Kathryn paused looking up at her mom. “There’s more.”
“Oh…kay…” her mother said quietly drawing out the word, waiting for the next piece.
“Um…I um…it’s not just Jace.”
“What else is it?”
“Um…it’s…it’s Luke,” Kathryn said staring down at the flecks in the granite.
“Luke? Luke Bradley?” she asked and when Kathryn nodded she stared at her daughter with a look of confusion. “What does Luke have to do with you or Jace?” she asked suspiciously.
“Well, you know we’ve grown pretty close since Ben died,” she began hesitantly.
“Yes,
I’ve definitely noticed,” her mom said seriously, and if Kathryn wasn’t mistaken, she had a feeling what she was going to say would not surprise her mother.
“Well, um, we’re um, we’re closer than you think,” Kathryn said, her voice trailing off until it was almost nonexistent.
“What are you telling me?” Her mother’s voice was serious. “How close are you and Luke?” she asked pausing on the word close for a moment.
“We um, we um…” she said but couldn’t continue. Her mother’s eyes bored into hers and she didn’t say anything for a minute.
“What is it Kathryn?”
“We um, we’ve kissed a few times,” she said quietly, looking away.
“Is that all you’ve done?” her mother asked quickly.
“We’ve done more than kiss.” Her voice was so low, she was surprised her mother could even hear her.
“Kathryn!” she exclaimed with a sigh and the look of disappointment washed over her face immediately. “Please tell me you’re not serious.”
“It was only once,” she said quickly.
“Only once? It doesn’t matter that it was only once. It happened, that’s all that matters.”
“You don’t understand Mom,” she said defensively.
“No, you’re right. I don’t understand and I can’t pretend to understand, but I can’t comprehend how you let this happen between you and Luke.”
“It was over a year ago and I didn’t come over here to get lectured. I came over because I need to talk to someone about this because I don’t know what to do.”
Her mother’s expression softened a little and she cocked her head to the side as she stared at her daughter.
“A year ago?” she asked softly.
“Yes and we never even talked about it again until recently,” she said.
“What happened to change that?”
“I don’t know what happened or how it happened,” she paused, not knowing what to say next. Her mom was already disappointed in her. Maybe coming over was a mistake.
“Just tell me what happened,” her mother encouraged and when Kathryn looked up to meet her eyes again, they didn’t look so shocked or judgmental anymore.
“We kissed on the beach a few weeks ago. It just happened. He reminded me so much of Ben, and I wanted to be with him again more than anything, but then I knew it was Luke and I wanted it too. He basically told me he’d fallen in love with me.”
Her mother shifted uneasily in her chair, obviously contemplating what she would say next.
“And how do you feel?” she asked seriously.
“I don’t know how I feel,” she admitted. “I love Luke, I do. There’s no question about that. He’s my best friend and I could never repay him for everything he’s done to help since Ben died.”
“But do you love him the way he loves you?”
Kathryn hesitated as she mulled the question over in her head for the millionth time.
“Sometimes I think I might,” she said softly, admitting it to herself for the first time.
Her mother just nodded as her eyes drifted over to Sarah, who was busy playing with blocks, completely oblivious to the distress of her mother.
“Oh Kathryn,” her mom said shaking her head for a moment before looking up to meet her eyes.
“I don’t know what to do. What should I do?” She asked as she looked at her mom, begging her for an answer.
“I…I don’t know what to say,” her mom said, speechless.
“Don’t tell me that. I came here because I need someone to tell me what to do,” Kathryn insisted.
“I can’t tell you what to do. You’re twenty-one years old. You’re a grown woman. I can’t tell you what you should do. Only you can tell yourself what to do.”
“What would you do?” she pleaded.
“I don’t know.I’ve never been through anything like you’re going through. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I could give you all the answers, but all I can say is that I’m here to listen if you need me.”
“It’s just so strange. Jace is great and I really, really like him, and he’s so understanding of what’s happened with Ben, but Luke is familiar, but it’s weird. He’s Ben’s brother and I wonder if it just happens because he reminds me of Ben, but then I realize while they’re similar, they’re so different too and there are traits about Luke that I love. It’s strange because sometimes I feel closer to Luke than to Ben, maybe because of Sarah and everything we’ve shared because of her.”
“All I can say is whatever happens, you need to do what’s best for you and especially what’s best for Sarah.”
Kathryn’s eyes ventured over to her daughter who looked back up at her and smiled the same goofy smile that reminded her so much of Ben. She knew her mom was right. She needed to do what was best for Sarah, she just couldn’t figure out what that was.
Chapter 41
She stayed at her parents’ house for lunch. Her mom offered to watch Sarah for the afternoon and then got in her car and began driving straight to Jace’s. When she arrived at his complex, she drove around and pulled into an empty parking spot. She felt awkward barging in on him, but she needed to see him.
Before she could stop herself, she knocked on the door. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her foot tapped nervously as she waited. She heard footsteps approaching and then the sound of the deadbolt unlocking. The door opened and Jace stood in the doorway, a smile spreading across his face when he saw her. He was wearing dark green flannel pajama pants and a white t-shirt. His hair was disheveled and when he ran his hands through it, she couldn’t help but think how good he looked and she felt her stomach flutter a little.
“Hey Kathryn! What are you doing here?” he said with a smile and she could tell he was happy to see her.
“I needed to see you.”
“What about spending the day with your mom?”
“She and Sarah are spending the day together,” she told him. “Can I come in?”
“Sure, but the place is kind of a mess. I wasn’t expecting company. I haven’t even showered yet,” he laughed.
“I don’t care,” she said smiling at him to put him at ease. She didn’t care either. She just wanted to be with him.
“Then come in.”
She brushed past him and then stopped next to him, reaching up and kissing him on the cheek, his light beard tickling her face.
“Mmm. What was that for?”
“I’m just really happy to see you,” she said kissing his cheek again.
He closed the door behind them and she looked around. It wasn’t a mess like he’d said. There were a few dishes in the sink and some clothes were draped over the couch, but other than that it was picked up. The apartment was small, but perfect for one person. The little kitchen was separated from the living room by a tiny counter and a short hallway led to the bedroom and bathroom.
“Did I wake you?” she asked, suddenly feeling a little nervous.
“Honestly…yes, but I don’t mind. I fell asleep watching TV. I’m not usually lazy like this, but since I didn’t think I’d see you today, I had nothing else to do.”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve called first.”
“Really Kathryn, it’s okay,” he said smiling at her and she felt her heart melt a little when he gently touched her arm in reassurance. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“I don’t suppose you could make me one of your famous milkshakes?” she said with a grin.
“Actually, I always keep ice cream and Oreos on hand, so yes, I can.”
She followed him into the kitchen and sat down on one of the pair of barstools by the counter. She couldn’t help but watch him as he walked around the small kitchen and smiled at what she saw.
Jace searched through the cupboards and freezer for a moment and then began blending the milkshakes.
“You really should learn how to make these yourself,” he shouted over the grind of the blender.
“Nah, that’
s what I have you for.”
“True. If you learn how to make them, you’ll have no need to keep me around,” he laughed as he poured them each a glass. “Here you go.”
“Thanks,” she said taking a drink. “Just as good as I remember.”
They walked back to the living room and sat down on the brown leather loveseat. He flicked the TV off and they sat facing each other. Her mind felt completely at ease as she sat with Jace and she almost forgot about Luke.
Ben had been her only real boyfriend, so she wasn’t quite sure how to read Jace. Her instincts told her he was special and that he seemed to like her as much as she liked him, perhaps even more so.
“I’m glad you stopped by. To tell you the truth, I was really bummed when I realized I wouldn’t see you today,” he told her and then paused. “Especially after last night. You seemed…well, you didn’t really seem like yourself.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Hey, it’s fine. Don’t apologize. Just as long as you’re okay.”
“I am,” she said hoping he’d believe her.
“What about Luke though?”
“What about him?” she asked, shifting uncomfortably.
“He just seemed different is all and you seemed annoyed with him.”
She shifted again as her mind raced to figure out how she was going to address this.
“I think he was just showing off for that Jessica girl,” she said. “And he’s been kind of a jerk lately.”
“A jerk?” he asked.
“Yeah,” was all she said and the room was quiet.
“You are okay now, aren’t you? I mean, you seemed…upset last night when you were trying to get Sarah back to sleep,” he asked taking her hand.
“Yes, yeah, I’m good. Just had a bit of a setback last night, but I’m good now.”
He smiled at her and gently squeezed her hand.
“Hey, would you mind if I go take a shower. I feel like my smell’s offending you,” he said with a laugh a moment later.
“Go ahead, but for the record, you don’t stink.”
“You’re just being nice, but I don’t believe you so I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said handing her the remote control. He walked down the hallway and into the bathroom. She heard the water turn on and the slide of the shower curtain rings against the metal rod. She flicked on the TV and began flipping through the channels. Nothing was on though and she turned it off and began to look around the apartment even more.
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