After the Sky Fell Down

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  She looked at him, her mouth hanging open at his suggestion.

  “You’re wrong Jace. I am,” she said trying to convince him, or perhaps herself. “I was just confused.”

  “No, Kathryn, you’re not ready. Like I said, I’m not blind and I’m not naïve. You were just kissing another guy…Ben’s brother for God’s sake. When I walked in just now and saw you and Luke, it was obvious. I saw the way you were looking at him. You don’t look at me that way.”

  “I wasn’t looking at him any way,” she said defensively.

  “I’ve had the feeling since I’ve known you that you weren’t ready to be in a relationship, but I tried to ignore it and I’ve tried to be patient because of how I feel about you. But, I’ve got to be honest with you. There are times when I’m looking at you and I know you’re not thinking about me…you’re thinking about him, about Ben, and the other night, you started crying as I touched you, because you wanted it to be him touching you, not me.”

  “No, that’s not true. I wanted to be with you, I did,” she insisted.

  “But you couldn’t and I respect that, I really do, but it’s frustrating, but only because I want to be with you…without him.”

  “Jace, I’m sorry,” she pleaded.

  “I knew after the other night that you’re not ready for this yet, and when I walked in and saw you with…Luke,” he said swallowing deeply before continuing. “When I saw you and him and the way you looked at him, it was obvious, there was a peace in your face I’ve never seen before because he reminds you of Ben, and I can’t do that. I can’t compete with him. Ben died a perfect man and I will never be that because no matter where our relationship goes we’re going to have ups and downs. We’re not going to always see eye to eye. You’ve erased all the bad moments with Ben and you’ve only held on to the good. You’ve put him on a pedestal that I can’t reach because I’m still here. I’m still able to make mistakes. You still love Ben and I don’t think there’s room for me in your life right now. You need more time and I don’t think I can do it anymore because…because I think I’m falling in love with you,” he said quietly. “And I can’t do that to myself…or you…or Sarah.”

  His words stung her deep in her soul and she stared up at him, her heart starting to pound. He was falling in love with her and she was stuck in the past, in love with someone who could no longer love her back.

  “Jace, please,” she said, tears falling slowly down her face, but she knew there was nothing that would change his mind. “I need you in my life.”

  “No you don’t. I think I’ve been more than understanding of everything, really I do. I think I’ve been patient, but I can’t put my life on hold while you live in this fantasy world anymore. Do you know what it felt like to see you kissing him…someone that looks exactly like your dead boyfriend? Do you know how I felt when I saw your arms around him?I knew you guys were close and I tried not to let that closeness bother me, but I never expected this kind of closeness between you guys. I never thought you were capable of this and I just can’t do it because I’ll never be Ben. I’ll never even come close. I’ll never measure up and you’ll never let go.”

  It hurt to hear the words spoken, but she knew every word he said was true and she couldn’t blame him for feeling the way he did.

  He looked into her deep blue eyes and noticed they were void of something and always had been, as if something was missing from them. Then he stood up and stared down at her looking pitiful and lost. She wanted to jump up and beg him not to go, but couldn’t bring herself to stand as if she were cemented to the mattress.

  “Jace, please,” she whispered, wiping her eyes.

  He looked at her, but his eyes seemed to be looking through her instead of at her.

  “Don’t Kathryn. Just don’t say anything else,” he said through a clenched jaw. It was obvious he wanted to say more, to tell her how he really felt about her. “You chose this and now I’m choosing to leave.”

  He looked at her once more and then turned around and walked out of her room and out of her life.

  Chapter 49

  November fifteenth was fast approaching. Two years ago, her life had been turned upside down. She missed Ben as much now as she did then and she was more alone than ever. She had waited for Jace to call, but he didn’t, and every time she picked up the phone to dial his number, something always made her hang up. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he’d broken up with her and she missed him, but he had been right. Her heart wasn’t healed yet and no matter what she was doing, even the most mundane of tasks, Ben was there and he’d always been there.

  She missed Luke too and she couldn’t stop thinking about the intensity of their kiss, even though they hadn’t spoken since that day. When she allowed her mind to drift, she found herself aching to feel that kiss again. But, she’d shake it off and force herself to think of something else, anything else.

  She thought maybe they’d been on the verge of working things out that day…the day Jace had discovered everything. She thought he might move back in, but they hadn’t been able to fix anything and he was still staying with his parents. She knew he’d been by the apartment a few times though. He just made sure to come when she wasn’t there. He always left Sarah a little treat in her crib. Sarah missed having Luke around all the time. She still ran to his room sometimes when she got excited about something and wanted to share it with him, only to come out with a shrug and a frown. She still saw him when she went to the Bradley’s but it wasn’t the same. Kathryn and Sarah were both adjusting though and it was almost becoming normal to come home to an empty apartment.

  As Kathryn was picking up Sarah one day, Sharon explained that the family was having a dinner in remembrance of Ben on the night of the fifteenth. She got a pit in her stomach as she thought about it. They hadn’t done anything last year. Everyone was still getting used to having Sarah around. She’d been a good distraction, but now that things were settled, it was time to think of Ben.

  When the morning finally came marking two years since Ben’s death, she woke up in a panic. Her dreams had been filled with replays of the night Ben died. She’d been okay for a while, but since she’d lost Jace and Luke, the loneliness had become too much and images of Ben surrounded by the suffocating tubes were seared in her memories and Sharon’s cries echoed over and over in her mind as she slept. As she slept she revisited her last moment with Ben, clinging to him, not wanting to let go, but no matter how many times that moment replayed in her head, praying for a different outcome, it always ended the same, with Ben being wheeled away, never to come back to her.

  When she finally bolted awake from the nightmare, the wound in her heart felt as if it had been ripped open and it stung fresh and new and just as she had the day he died, she wanted to sink into a hole and never come out. She thought the pain might even be worse now, because two years ago, she had been numb and in disbelief. Back then, she still believed Ben would come back and a year ago, her life had been so busy with Sarah. But now, after two years of never hearing his voice or feeling him next to her, it had become painfully obvious that her delusions were just that. She was alone and every time she looked at Sarah, it was that much more obvious she was alone.

  Sharon asked Kathryn to be at the house by five o’clock for dinner. She had chosen to wear a pair of black pants and a black blouse, reflecting her dark, somber mood. She left her hair down just as she had the day of the funeral, hoping to hide behind it. Her hair was longer now though than it had been on that day and as she looked in the mirror she couldn’t help but notice she had changed in other ways as well. Her eyes looked older, but not wiser, just pain filled blue pits that seemed to lack any life. They looked tired too, shadows circling below them like purple war wounds. She thought she noticed tiny frown lines at the corners of her mouth from the position it had spent so much time in during the last two years. She’d become a shadow of her former self and she was annoyed just looking in the mirror. She thought she had been findi
ng her way out with Jace, but she knew it had all been a farce, and she was sick of being the mopey lump that just existed, but it was who she had become. She thought she had been on her way out of it, but she’d been wrong and she hadn’t even known it.

  Just as she was getting ready to leave, her eyes found the jewelry box on her dresser. She walked over to it and took out the engagement ring. She slipped it on her finger, remembering the night he’d given it to her exactly two years ago. When she’d seen it for the first time she thought it was a symbol of everything her life was going to be, but now it was just a reminder of everything she’d lost, but it felt right on her finger tonight and she decided to leave it on.

  “Pretty mama,” Sarah said pointing to the ring on her mother’s finger.

  “Your daddy gave it to me,” she said wiping her eyes.

  “Daddy!” she exclaimed pointing to the picture on the nightstand. She’d finally replaced the frame after she’d thrown it and Ben had resumed his usual spot looking as perfect as ever.

  “Yes, that’s your daddy,” Kathryn said picking Sarah up and holding her tightly.

  She drove in a fog to the Bradley’s, taking each turn without thinking as Sarah cooed playfully in the backseat. When the familiar house came into view, her stomach flip flopped, and she nervously pulled the car into the driveway. She got out slowly, trying to prolong the walk to the front door, but before she knew it, it was staring her in the face. As her finger reached out to ring the doorbell, she saw that it was shaking. She heard it chime through the door and a moment later, it opened. Sharon stood in the doorway, and Kathryn couldn’t help thinking how different Sharon looked two years later. It was as if she had aged ten years since then. Deep set wrinkles had formed around her face, each line telling the story of the pain and struggle she’d faced since Ben’s death. Her hair that had once been a shiny blonde seemed to be dry and dull with traces of gray at the roots. The hazel eyes she’d given Ben and Luke looked tired and forlorn. But, despite all this, Sharon smiled at Kathryn with the same smile she always had.

  “Kathryn,” Sharon said quietly.

  “Hi Sharon,” Kathryn returned softly, feeling her eyes brim with tears. She took a deep breath and willed them to stay away, which they did.

  “And Sarah, my little baby. Come to Grandma,” she said and Sarah eagerly went into Sharon’s arms.

  She followed Sharon down the hall and into the kitchen where the rest of the family was already waiting. Grandpa Dom and Grandma Val smiled warmly at her as they always did, and as Kathryn scanned the faces of everyone in the room. Ben’s grandparents seemed to have weathered the last two years the best. Maybe it was their life experiences that had made them accept Ben’s death in a different way than everyone else. Even during that horrible night two years ago, they had been the ones holding everyone together, and it appeared they were still filling that role.

  Scott’s eyes were dark and heavy, just like Sharon’s were and if she wasn’t mistaken, she thought she could feel the tension between him and his wife that Luke had mentioned.

  Allie had the same indifferent expression on her face that she always did, but she did manage to crack a slight smile at Kathryn when she walked in. She looked different too. Allie seemed to have grown up a lot in the last two years, holding herself with a poise and confidence that Kathryn didn’t recall before. Her hair that had been long and blonde was now cut into a short bob and dyed light brown.

  Luke had been sitting on the couch hidden from her initial view, but then he stood up and their eyes met. She hadn’t seen him since the day he’d come over with the flowers…since the day Jace had left. As their eyes met for the first time, it felt awkward and strange. Neither of them smiled or said a word to each other. So much had been said between them recently that silence was the only thing left.

  As her eyes continued to search the room though, it was painfully obvious that one person was missing. The person who had changed the lives of everyone in the room wasn’t there. The absence of Ben could be felt all around and even though it had been two years since he’d last walked through the door, Kathryn looked back down the hall, thinking maybe, just maybe, he would tonight.

  Sharon had made tacos, Ben’s favorite meal. The toppings were spread out on the counter and as soon as Kathryn had said hello to everyone, they took turns loading up their tortillas. Everyone sat around, keeping it casual, like Ben would’ve wanted. Kathryn had always liked the tacos Sharon made and she’d eaten them more times than she could count. As she ate them without Ben, she was taken back to the nights she’d spent in this very house, this very room with Ben.

  “So, what have you been up to Kathryn?” Val asked her.

  “Not much,” she said and she thought she heard Luke snicker. She looked over at him and he was staring right at her. “Just going to class and staying busy with Sarah. How do you like Plymouth State, Allie?” Kathryn asked wanting to get the focus off of her.

  “I love it up there,” Allie said with surprising enthusiasm.

  The room was quiet again for a while and then Sharon began talking.

  “Well,” she began with a forced smile on her face. “We’re all here because of…Ben,” she said her voice sounding choked up. You could’ve heard a pin drop as everyone got quiet and stared at Sharon. “I was thinking we could watch some old home movies to look back and remember him.”

  Kathryn’s stomach felt as if it had dropped to the floor. She didn’t know if she could handle this. She felt her face twist into a tangled mess as she tried to hide her expression from Sharon, afraid she would notice her apprehension.

  “Mom, are you sure this is a good idea?” Luke piped up and then he glanced over at Kathryn. It was obvious Luke had seen her reaction.

  “What are you talking about Luke? Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?” Sharon asked her youngest son with a tone of annoyance in her voice.

  “Um…I just don’t know if you can…handle it,” Luke said quietly.

  “Luke, I’ll be fine. Ben’s your brother. He might not be here, but he’s still your brother and we are here to celebrate his life,” Sharon replied, her voice crisp and curt as she turned to the television. She turned it on and then pressed play on the DVD player and scooted back as Sarah climbed into her lap. “I had Scott gather all the old VHS tapes and convert them to DVD. There’s just a bunch of different clips mixed together,” Sharon said excitedly and then an image appeared on the screen and Kathryn was immediately captivated.

  Ben must’ve been about five years old in the clip and was preparing to ride his bike for the first time without training wheels. It was blue with white handle bars. Ben was wearing a bright yellow helmet and knee pads. He turned and grinned at the camera, causing Kathryn to smile as well. His hair had been much blonder as a child, but his eyes were the same big hazel ones she’d loved looking into. He had been an adorable child and her eyes drifted to Sarah. She and Ben looked so much alike.

  Ben climbed on the bike and Scott began pushing him from behind while Sharon manned the camera. Scott guided as Ben did his best to hold the handle bars steady. Half way down the street, Scott let go and Ben took off, alone and independent. Sharon and Scott were both cheering and when Ben looked back to smile at them, he lost control of the bike and toppled over. The camera began to jolt carelessly as Scott and Sharon ran to his side. “Oh honey, you’re okay,” Sharon’s voice could be heard from behind the lens. Ben wasn’t crying, but he was rubbing his elbow and an enormous frown dominated his face. “It’s okay Benny. We’ll try again,” Scott’s voice encouraged, helping his son to get up and get back on the bike. Like Scott said, they tried again, and this time, Ben succeeded, turning the bike around and riding back towards his mother. As he whizzed by Sharon, he smiled proudly for the camera and continued down the street.

  This was just the beginning of having to sit through Ben’s life. The screen faded periodically and opened again to show another milestone: birthday parties, baseball games, even a spelling bee. Wit
h each frame, Ben grew older and began to look more and more like the Ben Kathryn had known. It had been almost fun seeing a younger Ben, getting to glimpse into his life before she had known him, but as the clips progressed, it grew harder to watch. He would glance at the camera and give that same smile that had given her butterflies and his eyes would sparkle with the love of life he had always possessed.

  She began to feel uncomfortable and found herself fidgeting in her seat and lowering her eyes from the screen, not wanting to watch the ghost of Ben that was dancing inside the television. And then, the screen opened again to a scene she did remember, a scene she had been part of: their graduation. Ben had been standing around taking pictures with different family members while his father videotaped. Sharon’s voice could be heard on the tape saying, “There’s Kathryn. You two get together for a picture.” Ben looked to his side to Kathryn who could not be seen yet on the screen. He motioned for her to come over and a moment later she was by his side. He grabbed her quickly, dipping her down and kissing her, causing her to hold on to her red graduation cap so it wouldn’t fall off. When he pulled her up, her face was as crimson as the gown she was wearing and she slapped his arm playfully. “Not in front of everyone,” she could be heard whispering to him. He just grinned at her and leaned in and kissed her again, then he put his arm around her and they began to pose for pictures, one of which she still had hanging on the vanity mirror in her old bedroom at her parent’s house.

  Kathryn watched the screen with glazed eyes, having been transported back to that moment in time. She could remember it like it was yesterday and then she was pulled back to the reality where Ben was gone. She stared at the TV curiously where she and Ben were still standing together on the screen, carefree and innocent while getting their picture taken, neither of them having the faintest idea that in a year and a half their lives would be shattered.

  She couldn’t take it anymore and she stood up, saying “Excuse me” quietly. She scooped up Sarah from Sharon’s lap, gathered her things and headed quickly to the door. As she walked away, she could hear confused murmuring behind her. She reached the door and opened it, stepping outside into the autumn air.