"But isn't that impossible? We haven't gone out or anything." I say confused.
"Yeah but you guys spend a lot of time together. Something was bound to happen." Octavia pauses. "But maybe he's not the guy for you.” She pauses. “As much as you want him to be you just keep getting hurt."
"I know." I take a deep breath. "So what do I do now?" I question.
"I'll help you figure it out.” She moves to the other foot. “You've just got to put yourself back out there.”
"Honestly I don't want to put myself out there Octavia." I whine. "What if I put myself out there and for some unknown reason I do happen to get someone to like me, aren't they going to want more at some point? I'm not ready for..." I couldn't say the rest.
"Putting yourself out there doesn't mean you have to have sex with anyone Lucy." Octavia reassures me.
"But at some point…it will." I stand up and pace the room.
"But you don't have to do anything you’re not ready for." She comforts.
"But that's just the problem." I go to the window. "What if I'm never ready?" I begin to cry.
"I'm sure you will when the times right Hun." Octavia persists.
It's nice that she's trying to convince me everything will be okay but she has no idea what I'm going through at home. The whole Max situation was way worse then I'd let on. The thought of someone even touching me made me want to throw up. How would anyone put up with that?
Octavia crosses the room and wraps her arms around me. I cry for what feels like forever but Octavia never leaves my side. She's been there for me. She’s been my one true friend.
We spend the rest of the weekend making new mixed tapes. Once Octavia found out about what went down with Bobbie, she began putting together a few breakup mixed tapes for me. She was the only one who got my obsession for music. Music had a way of making everything easier to cope with. I loved escaping into the story the lyrics.
Back at home I get dropped off at the front of the complex so I’m not able to check our parking spot to see if Max's Surban is gone.
As I'm getting closer to my unit my heart begins to race and my hands are getting sweaty. Please be gone, please be gone I whisper.
Placing my hand on the door handle I take a deep breath and open the door. "I'm home." I yell walking in. I'm removing my boots as I look into the living room. Has he gone?
"How was your weekend?" My mom asks.
Since when does she care? "Alright I guess. Why do you ask?"
"Just curious...Is there something you might want to talk about?"
Does she know? "Like what?" I shrug.
"You tell me..." We're both quiet. "Did something happen this week?" She still has no clue...I thought maybe she was finally starting to care. Like maybe I could finally tell her what was going on with Max…but not yet.
"It's just something going on at school." I say heading into the kitchen.
"Are you being bullied again Lucy?" My mom blurts out.
"No." Would you even care if I was?
"So if it's not a bully then what's gotten into you? You seem off. Maybe bothered by something lately?"
Maybe she has been watching me? "It's just...I asked someone out and they turned me down." I wasn't about to tell her he turned me down because he was interested in someone else though.
"You asked someone out?" My mom's watching me as I stand in the kitchen doorway.
"Yeah but he's not interested. I'm going to go upstairs okay?" I say trying to hide my heartbreak.
"Sure...and Lucy?"
"Yeah." I say turning back.
"His lose, right?"
She's trying. "I guess so." I shrug.
It's my, lose too though. He's a great guy who took time to get to know me. I don't just open myself up to anyone.
I go back upstairs to my room. Lying down on my bed I look up at the ceiling fan. How am I going to face him tomorrow? How am I going to be strong around him? Just thinking about Bobbie brings tears back to my eyes.
I've lost the most important person in my life over a silly crush. I run my hand through my hair in frustration. Wake up girl your strong than this. If you can hide the whole Max ordeal, then you can handle one boy... I reach for my backpack to retrieve the new mix tapes Octavia and I made.
I put the first tape in. The first song on Octavia's "his loss" tape gets me thinking. I'm realizing that maybe Bobbie wasn't worth all these tears…but he did make me feel so special…how was I just supposed to forget all that?
****
Come Monday morning I'm nervous about seeing Bobbie. Who will spot each other first? Will he act like nothing's happened? Will he totally avoid me?
I'm still fragile so I decide to stand outside with the smoking section crowd. This way I'd be able to see him get off his bus. This way I could maybe judge how he's acting. And if he spots me first I'm just going to play it cool. I'm not going to let him see how much his rejection has affected me.
I stood out here sharing a smoke with Octavia and Kira when Bobbie's bus pulls up. My heart slows in my chest as each person slowly gets off his bus. I take a long drag of my smoke pretending not to look so interested on his arrival, just in case he’s watching me.
"Guess he's not here." Octavia says looking over my shoulder.
"Guess not." I return a little disappointed.
I knew it would be hard to see him but not seeing him was equally painful. I wonder what his absence means? Is Bobbie as messed up over this whole thing as I am? Has he may be changed his mind? Does he feel bad about hurting me? Is he's skipping today?
I go through the day almost in a fog. Class is so different without Bobbie. We had so much fun together. Just knowing we were in class together was a comfort. I glance over my shoulder to his empty desk. He's been the one thing I look forward to...even if all I held was his company. How could I go and ruin that?
Tuesday morning I'm back outside in the smoking section with my friends. I watch as his bus pulls up. Once again my hearts caught in my chest. I catch sight of him as happen to turn away.
"He's here today." Octavia nods.
"I seen." I take a pull from my smoke. "Is he looking this way?" I ask pretending not to care.
"I think he’s seen you but he's walking away." I turn back to see for myself. I watch to see him go inside.
"What do I do Octavia?” I turn back to her. “Should I wait for him to talk to me or should I go to him and try and fix things?" I'm beginning to panic.
"You have nothing to fix Lucy. He's the one who should apologize."
"For what…not liking me? I can't possibly be mad at him for that?" Can I?
"Why do you still care Lucy?"
Because I love him. I fear I'll love him forever. No one else will ever take the time to get to know someone like me. "I don't." I lie. "I just..."
"Just hang with us and in no time, you'll forget all about Bobbie." Octavia throws her arm around my shoulders. She tosses her smoke and we start to walk.
"Meet me at my locker at lunch and we'll hang out okay?" Octavia says walking away.
"Okay see ya." I force a smile.
"Hang in there."
"I will."
I watch her walk away and that's when I see Bobbie at the other end of the hall. Octavia walks by him and I can tell she's given him a dirty look. I can't help but smile. She's always sticking up for me.
Bobbie continues to walk toward class when he spots me standing outside the door. I pretend to be interested in my Walkman not on him but he catches me looking.
What's he thinking? Should I go talk to him? Can I take it back somehow?
He's stopped walking and is just standing there in the middle of the hallway looking at me.
It's like we're suddenly in the movies. Everyone else around us is so consumed with their own lives that they have no idea what's going on around them. What will he do? And then I know. He makes a beeline for the washroom like the day he did when he had my backpack.
So, that's how it's going
to be. My heart breaks a little more.
Even though I knew this was going to be hard I had no idea how much it was going to hurt. For the longest time, I couldn't feel like this. I’d bottle up my feelings so I didn’t have to hurt like this.
Before Bobbie, I felt like I was walking through life on auto-pilot never feeling anything other than pain and fear.
Instead of looking like a complete fool I decide to go into the class. We have Geography first which means that Bobbie must walk right by my desk to get to his seat.
But how was he going to do that if he was avoiding me? I sit down with my backpack still packed in front of me. How could I fix this? I miss him already.
Glancing down the hallway I see Bobbie approaching. My plan was to busy myself with unpacking my books while he walks in but seeing him now. I can’t bring myself to look away. What’s wrong with me?
He’s standing just at the door way and instead of hiding myself I'm leaning back in my chair. I want him to see that I can still be cool. I’m even brave enough to smile at him and he sort of smiles back but I can see he’s feeling something...but was that something pity?
I’m making my best effort not to hate him and I don’t. I’m just a little heart broken. I’m sure in time I’ll heal.
The rest of the day pretty much plays out the same. It's only been two periods and already I'm noticing such a change. Hanging out with Bobbie turned into finally having someone I could depend on. Someone I could talk to so class didn’t feel so awkward.
It’s lunch so I head to the AR room as usual, where else would I go? Standing just outside the room I see Bobbie’s already sitting inside at a table but not our table.
Do I go in? What if I go in and he leaves? I don't think I can handle that...my heart still needs sometime to heal. I take another look at him.
He looks upset...Hopefully in time things can go back too normal but for now I’m just not ready.
Just then Mrs. Jang walks up. "Hi Mrs. Jang." I say approaching her.
"Hi Lucy, what's up?" She questions eyeing me.
"Um can you get this to Bobbie?” I say holding out the sandwich.
"Okay?" She's eyeing me funny.
"But don't tell him it's from me okay?" I don’t want to make things weirder. I hand over the sandwich then turn to leave.
"You’re not eating lunch here today?" She questions.
"Not today no." I look away so she can't see how upset I am.
"Did something happen between you and Bobbie?" She asks looking towards Bobbie.
"It'll all work out eventually…I think, but for now I need some space." I grip the straps on my backpack tighter. "I've got to go." I simply add.
"Let me know if you need anything." She offers sincerely.
From day one Mrs. Jang has been looking out for me. I wonder if she can tell I'm vulnerable? "I will thank you. My friends are waiting." I throw on a smile so she doesn’t question me further.
I finally get outside and it's a huge relief. Looking towards the smoking section I see Octavia and Kira in the distance. They haven't spotted me yet so I can steal a moment to myself.
Loosing Bobbie meant more than losing just some crush. I'd just lost one of my best friends and I can't figure out how to fix it. Octavia and Kira think I should just get over him but I can't. He means just that much to me. They just wouldn't understand.
****
I'm trying to study for final exams but it's so hard to concentrate when my hearts been breaking. I think maybe it's time to take a break. I reach for my Walkman and curl up in the corner.
It's been almost a week since I asked Bobbie out. Since then Bobbie’s disappeared from my life. We’ve stopped meeting at our lockers, we don’t ride the elevator together and most of all he doesn’t even look at me.
Suddenly I’m nothing to him? How does someone just turn it off like that...? Maybe he never had those feelings in the first place…
By midnight I'm exhausted and pass out with my headphones still on. I'm in such deep sleep that I don't see or hear Max come in... Suddenly my blankets are being taken off and I jump awake.
Shit no please...I kick my feet and try rolling away from him. "I'm too tired leave me alone." I plea but it doesn’t work he’s too strong and rolls me back. "Please don't." I plea again. "Stop..." I cry out but he's just too strong for me to push him away. I'm powerless yet again.
Twenty minutes later he leaves and I burry myself deep into my covers. I cry myself to sleep like I always do…
Why does this keep happening to me? When will it all end? I hear the two a.m. train go by outside. I should just go stand out in front of it. End all this pain…Who’d miss me anyway...?
I've just fallen asleep when Matt sneaks into my room turning on the TV. "Morning." I whisper.
"Did I wake you?" Matt asks.
"It's okay. Make sure you wake me up when "Rupert" starts."
"I know. I will."
Usually I'd roll over and go back to sleep but I just can't seem to shut my brain off enough to fall asleep. While Matt watches TV I just lay there caught up in my head. By now I needed to use the bathroom but I didn't want to move.
I was still too sore and tired from earlier. As I’m about to pass out again my alarm goes off and the Intro to "Rupert" comes on. "Lucy it's time to get up." Matt calls. Time to get up and face another day.
Tossing the comforter aside I suddenly realize I'm still tangled up in my headphones. I grab the charger and plug it in so it can charge a bit while I get ready for school.
I shuffle my feet as I exit my room. I see Max passed out on my mom’s bed in the room beside mine. My skin crawls. I pick up the pace and duck into the bathroom. Locking the door behind me I start the shower.
As it heats up I look in the mirror. I have noticeable bags under my eyes. I look like death. I guess lack of sleep will do that.
The shower is heats up and I hop in. Washing away the night before I’m somewhat refreshed when I hear someone banging on the bathroom door.
“Why is the bathroom door locked?” I hear Max pounding on the other side. Shit he’s awake.
Turning off the water I grab my towel. Wrapping myself up tight I unlock the door. I take a deep breath and pull it open. The door opens and a puff of steam escapes into his face. I take the opportunity to duck under his arm and move straight to my room.
Matt has gone downstairs so I’m left in my room alone.
Reaching for a t-shirt and shorts I quickly get dressed. Brushing my hair out I tie it back in a low ponytail. Checking my reflection in the mirror I’m satisfied with how I look.
It’s not like I’ve got to look good for anyone anymore anyway. Stopping at my charger I see my batteries are about half charged. It’ll have to do. Now that Max is up he'll be coming downstairs. I need a distraction while I’m down there.
I pop in the batteries then slip my headphones on. Flipping through a few songs I settle on one just loud enough so that everyone can hear I’m listening to music.
Closing my bedroom door behind me I walk downstairs and straight into the kitchen. Popping some bread in the toaster I begin making my breakfast. Thankfully no one interrupts me.
There's still almost twenty minutes before my bus is scheduled to arrive but I need to get out of this house as soon as possible.
Holding my toast between my teeth I manage to get my boots on without dropping it. "I'm off." I yell but no one acknowledges me.
Pushing the front door open I step outside on the porch. Wanting to preserve my batteries I turn off the music and walk in silence. There’s a warm breeze that passes over me blowing at my hair.
I take a moment to close my eyes and just take it all in. Just keep breathing. This is all part of something bigger. It’s got to be…I try convincing myself.
Getting to school I meet up with Octavia and Kira in the smoking section. Ever since Bobbie turned me down I've been spending a lot more time with the girls.
I approach and Octavia hugs me. "What's tha
t for?" I question.
"You look tired so I figured you needed a hug." She looks at me with her knowing eyes and I nod. She's someone who knows how to read between the lines.
"Thanks." I whisper.
"Lucy." Cliff practically yells.
"Cliff." I return mocking him. "What's up?" I ask.
"So I hear things didn't go your way." He says wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
It still hurt just as bad but I know in time I’ll feel better. "His lose right." I pretend and smile at him.
"I've got a plan to make him jealous." He returns.
"I think I'll pass."
"Just give it a shot." He teases.
"It's okay really...I'm fine."
"Really? You don't look fine…Well you do..." He continues eyeing me playfully.
"Cliff...I'm not pretending to date you to make Bobbie jealous. I'm not one of those girls and you know it."
And he did know it. We spent a significant amount of time together that summer. "Your right…if you change your mind you know where to find me."
"I do…" I search his face and for the first time I think he might actually, have feelings for me. "Thanks Cliff." I smile.
"Anytime. Check you ladies later." He says walking away.
"See yeah." I say watching him walk away.
I make it through family studies, then head downstairs to my locker. Since it's my spare now I have nothing but time. Walking past the AR room I see Bobbie sitting inside once again.
Should I go in or continue to stay away? Fuck it, I'm tired of being this shy pathetic girl. It's time for me to stand up for myself. I’m not going to let him act like this without some explanation.
I enter the room. I can tell Bobbie’s spotted me but he doesn’t even look up. Feeling guilty huh? Even though he turned me down…and I want more than anything to be mad at him, I can’t turn my feelings off completely. If only I could go back to that day, that moment everything changed…maybe I could go back and fix it somehow?
I walk by him confidently and find a seat in the back corner. I’m sitting back here pretending to work but I can’t help but watch Bobbie. Stop torturing yourself. He doesn't like you like that. My chest feels incredibly heavy at the thought.
The Moment Everything Changed (Lucy's Life #1) Page 18