by Kara Hart
“That’s it? I’m fine, other than I’m pregnant?” I can barely even say the words. Pregnant with the Navy SEAL’s baby. God, I sound like a fucking cliché.
“That’s it. You’re very healthy. Congratulations.” She quickly leaves the room and I feel Julie and Colt’s eyes burning through me.
“Oh, what the hell are you all looking at?” I suddenly yell, feeling very confused.
“I don’t know,” Colt starts to speak. “This could be a good thing. I mean, don’t you think? Things between us are really starting to go well and—”
“And I would like them to continue to go well, thank you very much. God. Can’t anyone just leave me alone for once in their miserable lives?” I can feel it. There’s that anger again, pushing through my veins. Dammit, genetics.
“Lena!” Julie hisses at me. “Calm down. You’re not thinking straight. Colt, she’s not thinking straight. I’m so sorry.”
I press my pillow against my face and practically scream. “I don’t want his child, dammit! I don’t want anyone’s child. I just want to be my own person.” I look up to see the two people I am closest to staring back at me with disgust. Colt is quick to leave the room.
“You know what? I actually liked you,” he says and I feel my heart turn to stone. “I was willing to stand up for you, to fucking tackle some psychopath in the parking lot for you. I was even going to… Well, fuck. I was even going to propose to you sometime soon. Because you know what? I love you.” He reaches into his pocket to show me a welded ring. In the center is a hand cut diamond and, my God, it is huge.
“Colt, I…” I try to form a sentence, but I can’t say anything. I’m wrong and I know it. But deep down, I’m not sure I want any of this. After hearing this news, I’m thinking that it might be a good time to make it on my own for a little bit.
Julie gets up after him. I guess she’s against me too. “You fucked up this time,” she says without batting an eye. “Not me. You. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll think about what you’ve done. He loves you.” She slams the door and walks out of the room.
Suddenly I’m alone. Like, really alone. There’s only the beeping from the machines and the shuffling of the nurse’s shoes outside. “Guys?” I call out, “Anyone?” Nothing.
Well, Lena. You’ve successfully burned all your bridges. Congratu-fucking-lations.
112
Colt
“Fucking bitch. That fucking little twat! That motherfucking, god damn, ball licking whore!” I back up and try to calm her down. You’d think I’d be pissed, but Julie’s off the fucking rails.
“Whoa there,” I whisper, “that’s your sister you’re talking about. Try to have a little understanding.”
“Understanding? Me? Fuck no. I guess you don’t know me. Julie does not understand.” She huffs and digs through my fridge for a beer. “Wait, that sounded kind of dumb, didn’t it?”
“Yeah, a little. Besides, when did you start talking in the third person?” I ask her. She just shrugs and sits back down on the couch. It’s the same couch I fucked Lena multiple times on. God, I miss that. “Look, it’s not even your kid, so I don’t know why you care this much. It’s probably a mistake to think I could raise a child anyway. I wouldn’t be a good father. Shit, I’d probably turn out like my old man.” A shiver runs through my spine when I think about that. Disgusting.
“Why do I care? Are you really going to ask me that right now?” She’s back out of her seat and now she’s standing on my couch, making a whole speech out of this. Here I am, hanging on for the ride. Julie, man. She’s off her rocker. “She’s my sister and she’s taken care of me all her life. When my father left us, who was there? Lena. When I was drinking breakfast, lunch, and dinner, who was there? Lena. And when I lost my money and couldn’t pay rent, who paid it for me? Fucking Lena.”
“Amen,” I say.
“So yeah, I care. Maybe I care too much. But she deserves someone who’s going to take care of her,” she takes a breath and continues. “Yeah, you guys aren’t like technically together or anything. And yeah, it’s been kind of a bumpy ride with Elijah and me, and everything else. But I can tell you’re a good guy. I could sense that on the first night we met. So, shit! I’m pissed. And she’s having that baby.”
I applaud her, clapping loudly. Clearly I’m drunk, but I have an excuse. It’s been a rough few days, dammit. “Alright, I hear you,” I say. “But you can’t force a woman to have a baby, even if it is mine.”
She frowns, eyebrows creased with heavy thought. “Well, why the hell not? Men did that for like the first two thousand years of human civilization. Why stop now?” She laughs.
I shake my head, laughing a little too. “Yeah, well. I’m not like that. I want what she wants. Whatever makes Lena happy. That’s my new motto or something.” I examine my beer before taking another swig. Julie rolls her eyes at me.
“Lame,” she mutters under her breath. “But it’s commendable, I guess. At the end of the day, though, Lena isn’t a girl you let run away. I know her a little better than you. When the going gets tough, she stays. When the going gets rough, she sways. But when the going gets out-of-fucking-hand, she darts the hell out of there. Don’t let her dart out of there, Colt. You’re too good to let her do that.”
“Hm.” I take another sip of my beer and realize it’s lost its appeal. I set it on the counter and lean back against the leather. “Sounds like someone I know.” I sigh and take a look at the cabin I built myself. It was a palace. My palace. And I built it because things got a little “out-of-fucking-hand,” if you will. Then I found Lena. And like light against darkness, she forced me out of my hiding and showed me what I really was capable of, deep inside. I was capable of love.
I think about the night of the festival, when she hopped on that carousel. All those lights, all those spinning fabrications… They really seemed like they were part of a bigger picture, didn’t they? She made me wonder. She made me want to know more. And when she grabbed my hand, she showed me a world of possibilities. And I wasn’t just talking about her pussy either.
“You’re right, dammit,” I say. “I need to do something. I think I want to start a life with her. You know, a real life. I think it’s time I leave the past behind.”
She claps her hands loudly and slaps my back. I fall forward for a second. Damn she’s strong. “You think? What do you mean, you think?”
“Jesus, you hit like a man!” I exclaim. “I mean, I know. She’s the only good thing I’ve experienced in this life.”
“You’re damn right she is,” she laughs.
“You know, I always wondered if I would meet a woman like her. A woman who could take my breath away,” I say. “You always read about women like that in books or see them in films. But I actually met one. In the flesh.”
“Wait. You read books?” she asks. I sigh very loudly.
“Just tell me what I need to do,” I say. “I’m going to win her heart if it’s the last thing I do.”
She hands me my cell phone and says “Just call her. She’s a simple girl. If she wants to talk, she’ll answer.”
Here I am, drunk off my ass, calling the woman I like. No, love! And the phone rings, and rings, and then rings again. It rings so many damn times that I feel my heart crumble to dust within each silence. Finally, the phone disconnects.
“She denied the call,” I say, with a slight tinge of sadness in my voice. “She actually denied the call.”
“No shit she denied the call!” She laughs loudly and slaps her knee. “I’d deny the call if I was her too.”
“Well then why the hell did you tell me to call her?” I say, throwing the phone at the carpet.
Her eyes grow wide. “Because, you idiot. It makes you look a little better now doesn’t it? You don’t want her thinking you haven’t tried to talk to her about things.”
“I don’t think I get anything. This whole dating thing totally eludes me. I mean, I wasn’t the one who walked out on her. Doesn’t
that count for something?” I ask her. “Doesn’t that mean she has to come running back to me?”
She stares at me like all women stare at men when they say something stupid. “Do I really have to answer that for you?” She asks me. “Now you gotta go for plan B. Don’t worry, I have an idea.”
113
Lena
Ring, ring, ring…
My phone is vibrating and it won’t quit, and guess who’s calling? Bingo! It’s that asshole who put a baby in me, Colt. After about twelve rings, I deny the call and put my phone in the kitchen drawer.
“There,” I declare out loud to myself. “Now no one can answer or deny any calls.”
I walk to my room with a bottle of wine and sit down. The wine bottle isn’t even open. In fact, it’s completely sealed shut. I don’t particularly want this baby, but I don’t want to fuck anything up either, so the wine is there for symbolic purposes only. It’s there to show the world just how fucking depressed I am.
A baby. A baby?! Yes, a fucking baby. In my belly. Right now. The whole idea sends chills throughout my body. I’m not supposed to be a mother yet. But your mom was only twenty-one when she had you, an inner dialogue springs inside my mind. Yeah, but she was a hack of a mother, if there ever was one.
Ugh! I start to tear up, so I turn on the television. On the screen is some war classic movie and it actually makes me tear up even more because it reminds me of Colt. Dammit, I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. I thought that Elijah’s going away could bring us together. Well, it did. Only, not in the way I had intended it to.
I turn the TV off and decide that nothing is going to get me to stop feeling bad. So I decide to do something weird. I head to The Cat’s Bag, my sister’s hole in the wall bar.
When I get there, an unfamiliar face is working. It’s some older woman who looks like she smokes about three packs a day, while drinking lighter fluid and whisky. I have no idea where Julie found her, but when I walk in, she already knows who I am. “Hey! Julie’s sister, right?” She exclaims out of the side of her mouth. She’s got a thick Boston accent.
I give half a smile. “Yeah. That’s me.”
She slams her fist onto the bar and cackles loudly, “Ha! I knew it! She talks about you all the time. You’re practically the apple of her eye, you know that?”
“Sure,” I mutter, not even really listening. “I love Julie too.”
“Hell yeah you do,” she smirks. “So. What’ll it be?”
I laugh because, even though I came here, I can’t really drink anything because I’m still pregnant. So what the hell am I even doing? “I’ll take a water. Extra ice,” I say boldly.
The woman just looks at me as if she’s waiting for the punch line of a really funny joke. Only it never comes. “You serious? Lena, we don’t do water here,” she says. “Come on. Pick something nice and expensive. It’s on the house.”
“I can’t drink,” I tell her. “Because I found out today that I’m pregnant with some asshole’s baby.” She cringes when I tell her this. I shouldn’t use the word asshole. He’s not an asshole. He’s just a little overbearing right now. A little too presumptive. And I sure as shit don’t want his baby! Yet… Oh, fuck. Did he really tell me that he loved me last night?
“You’re pregnant?” she asks me. “Shit, what’re you doing in here? You gotta leave if you don’t want your baby to come out lookin’ like a mutant.” This makes her laugh to herself.
“Just give me a Shirley Temple. On the rocks.” I wink.
“Pfft.” She shakes her head at me, but then gives me a reassuring smile. When she hands me the drink, she says, “You’re gonna be fine, doll. Trust me. A baby is one of life’s good things.”
“Yeah? And how would you know?” I ask, fingering my drink to get the cherry from the bottom of the glass.
“Because I’m a fucking mom, that’s how,” she says. “And I’m a damn good mother too.”
“Sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t assume. I didn’t know.”
She chuckles. “Yeah, well. I don’t come off as too motherly I guess.”
“Actually you do,” I laugh.
“Thanks. If there’s one thing I know in this life, it’s that I love my children. I’ve got three boys. They’re insane little monsters,” she says, smiling to herself. “But they’re my little monsters and I’ve been through everything with them.”
I take a sip of my Shirley Temple and taste the sugary carbonation bubble against the back of my throat. “What happened to their father?” I ask. She scowls at me. “Sorry, is that too personal? We can talk about something else.”
She laughs and slaps my arm. “I’m just messing with you! He’s around. He runs a successful yoga studio thirty miles away. I bet you didn’t see that coming. Me, having children with a yoga-man, but weirder things have happened,” she laughs. “We’re not together anymore though. No, we’re best friends though. And he’s a great father to them. Tell me, doll. You seem unsure about all of this and I bet that’s why you came in tonight. Who’s your baby-daddy?”
I want to say he’s an asshole, or a bastard, or that he’s an anger-driven war hero. But he’s none of those. He’s actually the opposite and I know he’d do a lot for me. I just don’t know if I’m ready. I sigh and rest my head on the bar. When I lift my head up, she shrugs her arms and says “Well? I’m waiting!”
“Um, he’s a Navy SEAL,” I say. “And you know, he really likes shooting guns.”
“Oh, that’s hot,” she says. “Tell me more.”
I laugh and continue. “Yeah, but he’s a bit deeper than that. Like, he loves to read books and he actually welds as his hobby. He makes this unique art, but refuses to show anyone.”
“Oh, an artist too? Even hotter. But he’s probably damaged goods, huh? Is that why you don’t trust the guy?” She asks me. “Because if he’s not, I don’t know why you don’t just have his baby right now. He sounds s-e-x-y.” She starts shaking her hips like Shakira and I can’t help but laugh for once.
“He’s pretty sexy. And it’s weird because he’s not really damaged. I think I’m probably more damaged than him. He’s, uh, seen a lot, but he doesn’t really carry any blame,” I tell her. “He’s protective, you know? He won’t back down from a fight and won’t let anyone hurt the ones he loves.” Love. There’s that word again.
“So what’s the issue?” she asks. “He sounds like a great guy.”
“Well, he is. He’s a really great guy,” I say. “But that’s sort of the problem.”
She pours herself a shot and says “I don’t think I get it.”
“Well, if he was a douchebag, I could just kick him to the curb. I wouldn’t have his baby. It would be an easy choice, you know?”
“But since he’s actually one of the good ones, it puts me in this stupid position where I have to choose between a rock and a hard place. I never thought I’d have children. My sister is hard enough to take care of. I always thought I’d fall in love with someone and just travel the world or something.”
“You can still travel the world, Lena. You don’t need to let a child dictate what happens in your life. Shit, I think my kids would have loved it if I took them on more trips. Instead, I’m holed away in here every night,” she laughs. “But I understand, honey. Having a kid is a big deal. It may be a wonderful thing, but it’s also tough.”
“Ah! I just don’t know what to do,” I groan. “I feel like my life has completely fallen apart. First I have to deal with a crazy ex-boyfriend, then I lose my job, and now this.”
“Things work in threes, don’t they?” She asks. “Just go talk to him. Let him say what he needs to say and hear him out on the subject. Who knows? Maybe you two can work something out. If you had a good thing before, there’s no use in throwing that all away.”
I finish my drink and smile. “Yeah. I guess you’re right,” I say. “I just wanted to hear someone tell me that was the right decision.”
“There’s no right decision,” she la
ughs. “You can try your damn hardest to make one. It doesn’t mean you will, but at least you tried, right?”
I nod. “Yeah. I guess it’s time to go home and sleep,” I say. “Tomorrow is a new day.”
She smiles. “Onward and Upward. That’s what I always say.” She winks as I leave a tip and walk outside.
The night is nice and breezy, so I decide to walk home instead. Besides, it’s good for me to get as much alone time as I can right now. All my thoughts about Colt are absent. There’s only me and the night sky.
Families are leaving the restaurants and headed home. Men walk arm in arm, hand in hand, with their women. Some have children, while others don’t. None look happier than the other, but there’s a certain added warmth to the ones who have laughing children playing around them like little angels.
“Lena?” A voice cuts through my solace. “Is that you? How’re you holding up? I heard about what happened.”
It’s Bowen and he’s with his wife and two kids. They look… joyful. “Which part did you hear about?”
He laughs. “Well, the whole Elijah thing. Did you get your job back?”
“No, but I didn’t exactly ask for it back. I was sort of the one who quit in the first place,” I say. “So I’m out of a job for a bit, I guess.” I try to laugh.