by Kara Hart
His wife smiles and extends her hand. “I’m Arianna. Bowen’s wife,” she says. “I swear, after being married for eight years, you’d think he’d be better at introducing me. The wild child over there is Joseph and that elegant young lady is Sammy. Say hello to Lena, guys.”
“Hello!” They both yell, barely paying attention. They’re running around, playing a game of freeze tag.
“They’re crazy,” she laughs. “But I love them.”
“You have a wonderful family,” I smile. I’m jealous of what they have. It seems so nice. I put my hand on my stomach and close my eyes for a brief second. Could I ever have something that nice? Is it real or is it some part that married people play out?
“Thanks,” Bowen says. “They’re a handful, but I do love them. So, how’s Colt? I haven’t seen him in a bit.” He’s lying. He saw him the other night. But I guess he hasn’t told his wife that he and Colt broke into the local paper’s office. I wasn’t about to be the one to throw him to the doghouse.
“He’s good,” I say. “But we’re kind of not seeing each other anymore. Or… right now.”
“Oh,” they both say it at the same time and I realize how awkward this conversation is going.
“Yeah…” I mutter.
“Well, he’d be a moron to pass you up. You two worked so well together,” Bowen says. “Anyway, I hope to see you around, Lena. You’ve really changed the man into a better person. Have a good night, okay?”
“Thanks, you too,” I say. “It was wonderful meeting your family.”
I smile nicely and continue my walk home. You’ve really changed the man into a better person. The words hit home. The thing is, I feel like he has changed me into a better person as well. It’s either that, or he’s made me reckless. Still, I needed to be a little reckless for once in my life, didn’t I?
When I get home, I look at my phone. Nine missed calls, four voicemails, and about 800 text messages, all from Colt. Oh, jeeze.
I have no idea where Julie is, but she’s probably mad as hell at me for making a scene in the hospital. It’s a bit ironic since she’s the queen of making scenes, but I guess she holds me to a higher standard.
I’m still confused as hell. I still don’t know what I want to do. But tomorrow I’m going to see him. I’m going to talk to Colt. If we break up, we break up. Things happen. But I need to at least hear his side. Tomorrow is a new day.
114
Colt
I haven’t slept all night. I’ve been up, thinking about the future and about the past. I’ve been thinking about every damn second I’ve spent with her. And yeah, I’ve been dreaming of fucking her brains out too, but I miss all our moments together. Not just the sex.
It’s like seven in the morning and I’m still a little drunk. I must’ve drank five beers and practically a whole bottle of wine to myself. Julie, on the other hand, stayed pretty damn strong. I’ve never seen an alcoholic only drink three beers, but she’s slowly proving herself to her sister every day. I feel proud, like she’s a part of my family or something.
Family. I wish. I’ve been trying to get Lena to let me in all week. I help her out with Elijah, with her job, and all she gives me is the silent treatment. Well, I guess I understand a little. I did get her pregnant. But I was willing to be there, until the end, if that’s what she wants from me. Shit, it’s all I’ve been thinking about.
I'm checking my phone every ten seconds. Nothing. Always nothing. Then I turn around, fumble for the remote, and I swear I hear and feel a vibration coming from my phone. So, naturally, I pick it up and look for her name flashing across the screen. Nothing. What the fuck!
I look outside for something to do, anything to pass the time. There's my guns. There's my welding shack. Yet, nothing appeals to me. I've lost all appetite for living. Funny, as soon as she leaves me, I begin to crumble apart. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was a SEAL. Well who cares about being strong when you can't have the one you truly love?
After about two hours of being gone, Julie storms into the cabin. Her arms are full of shopping bags, of flowers and chocolates, and everything pink and glittery. “I may have gone above and beyond,” she says, “but we can take back whatever doesn't work.”
“What the hell is this?” I say, examining a piece of frilly pink cloth. “I'm not sure this says, ‘take me back and have my baby.’”
“I said you can return whatever doesn't work,” she swats me away. “Now, do you want my help or not?”
“Sure.” Of course I want her help, but it was my idea to propose. Now, she's making it all girly and unoriginal. “Just make it look like it came from me, okay?”
“Stop micromanaging, Colt. You're being a real pain in my ass. Have a beer or something. Go for a walk. Give me an hour and this place will look beautiful.”
“Fine,” I sigh, “I trust you. But if I hate it, I'm ripping it all down. Hear me?”
“I hear ya,” she smiles. “But I ain't listening.”
I shake my head and close the front door. Looking out onto my porch and listening to the leaves rustle beneath its wood frame, a weird thought pops into my head. What happens if she says yes? What if she takes me back and actually wants to have our baby? I've spent so much time wondering about all of the negatives that I haven't given any of the positive possibilities a chance. It's almost as if I'm subconsciously self-sabotaging. Wouldn't be the first time.
I hear something crash inside, followed by Julie’s hoarse voice. “I'm alright!” she yells.
I chuckle and walk off into the forest. I don't even follow the path. This time, I just walk where my legs lead me. If I follow the same structures as I used to, I’ll fall into the same habits. So my new promise to myself is to keep exploring, to fall off the beaten path into new and unused territory. I'm not Colt, the SEAL anymore. I'm Colt. A new man for a new day.
Finally, I end up at a large boulder that the earth has apparently swallowed up. I walk forward and climb onto its edge. One false move and I could fall to my death. But, of course, I'm calm and decide to lay down.
“Holy shit,” I say aloud to myself. It's the rock she took me to, the one that looks over the whole city. I didn't even realize it until I sat down. Shit, I can't escape her. Can I?
I take it as a sign and burst out laughing. If we aren't supposed to end up together, I'm at least doomed to repeat every single memory we've had with each other.
If we are supposed to end up together, then my whole life is about to change. As I look out onto the city below, I think about life. I think back to simpler times, back when I was a child, before I knew just how fucked up my family really was. If Lena takes my hand in marriage and has that baby, there’s two people I promise not to be: my parents.
I take a few moments of silence and enjoy the view. And when I'm done, I take a mental note of this day. This could be the day everything changes for the best, or it could go the absolute opposite direction.
When I get back to my cabin, I'm out of breath and feeling pretty good. Despite the stresses of the day, I feel like I have to go into everything optimistically. I open my front door and colors fly in front of my eyes. The heavy scent of chocolate and flowers floods my senses.
“What the…” I whisper as I walk through an arch of petals. At the end of the walkway, there’s a fucking chocolate fountain. I'm astounded. I've never thought my humble little cabin could be made to be, well, this pretty.
“Is it too frilly? Did I go too crazy?” Julie asks, as she runs frantically around the cabin picking up flower petals. “I stayed within the budget, I swear.”
I can barely speak. I just know that she's going to love all of this. “It's perfect,” I say. “But it's missing one thing.”
“Okay, I went over the budget just a smudge,” she admits, “but yes, it's absolutely perfect. Lena is going to flip.”
I run outside to the shack and find what I've been working on the past week or so. I grab the life size art piece and bring it inside. “Wh
at is it?” Julie asks me.
I frown. “It’s abstract,” I laugh. “On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t give it to her.”
She walks closer and looks at the piece, placing her fingers on her chin in thought. “It’s a carousel?” she asks me.
“Yeah. It’s actually pretty complex. Here, let me show you.” I run to grab a few of the colored bulbs I had bought the other day. I set them in and click a button on the bottom side of the piece. “It moves. Watch.”
Suddenly, the carousel comes to life. Amongst the dark inside of the cabin, shapes and colors flash onto the ceiling. Horses, knights, wild frog kings, and dainty women from a different time all waltz in circles on my ceiling. I say “I figure it could be the baby’s. That is, if she wants to keep it.”
A smile cuts into her face. She whispers “It’s beautiful. You made this?” When I nod, she laughs and says “Oh, boy. You’re definitely a keeper.”
“Uh, thanks,” I say. I suddenly feel the vibration from my phone in my back pocket. I look at it and see her response to my endless string of texts.
Okay. I’ll come over tonight to talk. Is an hour okay?
Of course, I’m about as excited as a little boy on Christmas Day. I feel the butterflies flap against the lining of my stomach as I write back.
Sounds perfect. See you soon.
“She’s coming!” I yell. “In an hour. We’re going to… talk.”
Julie squeals loudly, and then proceeds to run around the cabin, making sure everything is in order. When she stops, she’s completely out of breath. She huffs. “Now, you’re really okay with this, right? You want to marry my sister?”
It’s absolutely insane that in a matter of a few weeks, I want her this badly, but I can’t help that I do. She’s just… perfect. There’s no other word for her.
“When you find your match in this world, you don’t give that up. You beg, you plead, and you fall on your knees. You work hard and do whatever it takes to keep her. Because if you lose that person, they’ll be gone forever and you’ll never forgive yourself. That’s how I feel about her. I need her, Julie. She’s like a ray of fucking sunshine, shining down on this dark earth.”
“Damn, you’re like a poet or something,” she squints her eyes at me. “Maybe you do read…”
I sigh and push her away lightly. Tonight is the night everything changes. Whether it’s a yes or a no, my whole life is about to transform forever.
115
Lena
Okay, I’ll hear him out, I figure to myself. It doesn’t mean I’m keeping the damn thing. Even if I do keep it, I don’t have to marry the guy. I could just be one of those single and strong women with a child. They seem to do alright. I think. I’m a grown woman and I can handle things myself. I don’t need a man to lay claim on every damn part of my life.
But as I walk up that familiar road into the forest, I feel a tinge of sadness. I remember all the time we’ve spent together. Those heavy petting sessions, laying in his bed after he fucked my brains out, his scent wrapping around my body… everything just felt good with him. I felt safe. However, slowly but surely, things started to change. And now everything feels like it’s gotten out of hand. I guess that’s what happens when you really connect with someone.
Or maybe not. Who knows?
I walk up to his porch and can hear the sound of soft music playing inside. As I get closer, I can tell that it’s old country, a mix of Johnny Cash type music. With the lights flickering in the window and the music playing, I get a strong feeling of warmth. It feels like home to me. But I can’t think about that now. I have to think about what I have to say to him. I take a deep breath and knock three times on the door, and wait.
He answers wearing a tight heather grey t-shirt and a nice pair of hemmed jeans. He looks incredibly well put together and even more handsome than I remember him being. “Hey, pretty lady,” he says. “Come on in.”
I step inside, feeling my heart flutter, and notice that half of the room is blocked off with sheets. “What’s going on in here?” I ask him.
“Got bored,” he mutters. “Thought it might be time to do some renovations to the place. I’ll show you later. Let’s sit on the couch and talk.”
I nod and sit on the couch, pushing my dress down as my butt hits the cushion. “So,” I cough, clearing my throat. A nervous habit. “You wanted to say something to me?”
He laughs awkwardly. “I never thought I’d feel this weird around you. I guess I have a lot to say, but I want to hear you out first. This is, after all, your decision in the end, and I want you to know that whatever happens, I respect your choice and will always be your friend.” He folds his hands together and looks at me with a serious face.
Friends. There’s that word again. Was it really even possible to be friends after all we’ve been through?
“I’m going to be honest with you, Colt,” I say, looking down at the designs on the carpet. “I fell in love with you. Before I found out about the baby, things felt sort of chaotic with Elijah, but I knew everything was going to be okay because I had you.” I swallow as I think about what I’m going to say next. Colt’s looking at me intently, but I can tell he wants to speak.
“But then I found out about the baby… Look, Colt, I know it seems like a no brainer. You fall in love, get pregnant, and have the man’s child. Most women would have no qualms with just doing that. But I’m not like most women. I don’t have a life plan. I never thought I’d even get married, you know? And now I’m pregnant and I’ve lost my job, and I’m pretty sure Julie is off the deep end again. And I’m just scared, Colt. I’m so fucking scared of the future that just the thought of tomorrow causes my throat to close up on me. I can barely get to sleep at night. And the whole time, I’m just picturing my baby, our baby, inside my stomach. He or she deserves a good life and a good mother. I’m just not sure I’m that person.”
I fall back against his couch and feel the tears fall down my face. I hate crying, especially in front of the people I love, but things have felt insane lately and it’s hard to get a grasp on my emotions right now. Colt’s expression hardly changes. I can tell he’s got a slew of things he’s been planning on telling me. He’s about to make his case.
“I’m not too good with words,” he says. “But I do know what I feel. I think of you as a flower. Now bear with me, because I know that sounds cheesy as hell.” He laughs and continues. “You’re one of those flowers that grows in the center of a decaying city. Maybe someone kicked a seed into the crack of a sidewalk; it doesn’t matter how you got there. What matters is that you’re there. Whenever people walk by you, they take notice. They say in their heads, ‘There’s that flower that grew, despite its surroundings.’ But that flower was meant to grow there. It was put there to bring color and joy to the people’s lives.”
He sighs loudly and shakes his head. “Shit, I’m not making any sense. The point is, you’ve given me all the joy in the world, Lena. And you might not want to give me anymore. That’s fine. You were put on this earth to spread that joy around and change people’s lives forever. And I just have to say that you’ve changed mine. For that, I’m grateful.”
That’s it? No begging and pleading? No “please have my baby!” talk? I was expecting something a little crazier than that. That speech of his was too perfect, way too nice for this situation. Where’s the yelling match, tears, and broken hearts?
I start to laugh. It’s not because what he said was funny. It’s because I underestimated him. He apparently knows exactly what to say to me.
“Shit,” he groans. “I knew that was stupid to say. I should have come up with something better. But my love for you is different than any other love I’ve ever experienced. If leaving me makes you happy, then I want you to leave me. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Lena. Whatever I do, I want to make sure you get that.”
My laughter turns into lame tears. “It’s not stupid, dammit,” I moan, in between hurried crying breaths. “It’s perfect
. You’re perfect. And I just don’t know what the hell has happened to my life. I just—” I press my hands on my face while tears flow freely from my eyes.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he whispers. He jumps on the couch next to me and hands me a tissue. I blow my nose and look at him. “Before you say anything else, I want to show you something.”
He grabs my hand and leads me up to the sheets. I laugh and wipe my tears from my face. “You want to show me what you added to your cabin?” I ask him.
He laughs. “Well, yeah. I need to get Lena Skye’s opinion. It’s important to me.”
I make a grossed out noise and laugh. “Okay. You’re officially a total weirdo,” I say. “Go ahead. Let’s see it.”
“Okay, but you have to close your eyes,” he says, as old country music plays low on the home speakers above us, “It’s a surprise.”
“Fine,” I smile. He places his hands over my eyes and leads me through the sheets.
We walk a few feet and stop. “Okay, you ready?” he asks.
I shrug. “Sure, Colt. I don’t really see why you building a new part to your kitchen is much of a surprise, but I guess I—”
“Open your eyes!” He pulls away his hands and I stop speaking as I start to see what his “addition” really is.
“Colt,” I choke up, “what’s going on here?”
Above us are flowers of all kinds. They’re arranged in a beautiful design, weaving in and out, arching above our heads. We slowly walk, together, under the roses and lilies, and I grab his hand. In front of us is a… “Wait, is that a chocolate fountain? Okay, now I’m really confused. What is this, Colt?”