Unqualified
Page 22
Remember the orange ceremony? My attempt at closure with Jason Sprott, the fastest boy in the third grade, where I wrote his name on an orange and threw it into the forest? These days, I take comfort in the belief that there’s no such thing as closure. As my family is evolving, I hope we can still have barbecues and Fourth of July celebrations, and that we can proceed forward with love and tenderness.
There is no finish line when it comes to relationships, and I think the search for one will just make you frustrated. So I have no illusions that this book is done and now I can close the door on my past. I do feel like this book is done so . . . let’s keep moving and focus on the future. I’m excited to see what will come next. Because a great family and career isn’t the end, either. There’s always work to be done.
But the thing that writing this book has really taught me, above all else, is how limited my vocabulary is. When I read other people’s books or the newspaper in the morning, all I can think is, Fuck, I know, like, three hundred words. So I hope you’ve enjoyed those words. Or at least the 299 of them that weren’t fuck.
Acknowledgments
As I sat down (after eating a burger) to write this final portion of the book, my cousin sent me a video of my son, Jack, and his daughter Lillianna spraying packed suitcases with a garden hose. My cousin is with Jack for the weekend while I’m on set shooting a movie, and that video made me realize that the career I’ve chosen has far-reaching consequences. My child, and my family, will always be affected by the career I’ve had, for better or for worse, and so I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to them for never complaining about the strange existence we lead, which will forever impact their lives. Thank you, Bob and Addie, Loren and Megan, Angie and Scott, Owen and Eric, Cully and Brandy, Steve and Teri, Cannon, and Dee and Howard. Thank you, Kathy. Thank you, Kate. I know sometimes it’s awesome to have famous people in the family and sometimes it’s really hard. And I’m not sure I ever took that into consideration as I pursued my dreams. But here we are, and you’ve never complained, only supported. And I’m so, so thankful. Because I couldn’t have done this without you. Some of you will get thanked again, but for different reasons. I love you all so much.
I would next like to thank my listeners. I’m so lucky to have an audience who truly seems to care as passionately about others as they do themselves. You guys have given me so much.
Thank you also to my unbelievable publishing team at Dutton. (I still can’t believe this is happening!) Jill Schwartzman, you wonderful woman you, your belief and support from the very beginning has just meant the world to me. Thank you for your patience, wisdom, and kindness. Also thank you so much to Marya Pasciuto, Amanda Walker, Liza Cassity, and Elina Vaysbeyn. One day, if people read this book, I want to adultnap you all and take you to Bora Bora. Four Seasons. Let’s do it.
Rachel! Rachel Bertsche! I couldn’t love you more. I’m so happy you came into my life—you are so brilliant and incredible. Without you none of this would be happening, and I know we will be friends for life because I will be pestering you for the rest of time. You have taught me so much about life and love and friendship, and I couldn’t be more grateful. (Have you considered becoming a therapist?)
Sim Sarna. Sim, what a dear friend. You’ve turned my little idea into a passion project and I’m so grateful. Cassie Daniels and Amy Pomerantz: I’m so lucky to have such brilliant women in my life. Thank you.
Thank you so much to Doug Wald, Dominique Appel, Jason Heyman, Robert Offer, and Marc Gerald. Your belief in me from day one has meant the world to me.
Mindy Weissman, the woman who has changed my life by keeping it together. I love you.
Thank you to my mom and dad. Where do I begin? You have both believed in me since I started playing “waitress” at your dinner parties around age four. Thank you for your love and support even when you saw me making mistakes. You always believed I would find my way out and gave me strength to do so. I love you so much.
My brother, Bob—you made me strong enough to face Hollywood. And I love you so much for it. And thank you to my beautiful sister Addie and precious Nora. And to all of my family members, every one of whom is a character worthy of stardom. Loren, a special thanks to you; you gave me a gift that was much needed at a certain time in my life, and it makes me cry when I think about it. I love you.
Thank you to my son, Jack, who kicks me at night in bed. I know I will miss those nights of bedwetting one day (and you may be mad at me for writing that). But I hope one day you read just this portion and know that you light me up every day and I’m so happy and proud that you are my son. My strong, brave son.
And Chris. Chris, who, when I pitched him the idea of writing a book, didn’t skip a beat. I love our late nights conjuring up ideas for projects and characters and talking about the rabbits. Chris, thank you for an impossible amount of support and love. Thank you for the flowers. Thank you for finding my credit card at the Kmart in Phoenix. Thank you for the deer jerky. Thank you for laughing at my dumb jokes. Thank you for cutting Jack’s hair. But that might have to stop. Thank you for being just about the best person I know. I love you. I wish we had more words for love.
About the Author
Anna Faris is an actress, producer, and top-rated podcaster. Her podcast, Anna Faris Is Unqualified, averages four million downloads a month. Faris currently stars on the CBS hit comedy Mom and has had memorable roles on Entourage and Friends. She will next star in MGM/Pantelion Films’ remake of Overboard alongside Eugenio Derbez. Faris produced and starred in The House Bunny and What’s Your Number?, and her additional films include the Scary Movie franchise, Lost in Translation, The Dictator, Observe and Report, Brokeback Mountain, Just Friends, Smiley Face, Keanu, and the Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs franchise. A native of Washington State, she lives in Los Angeles with her family.
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