Ayesha, the Return of She

by H. Rider Haggard

  CHAPTER XVIII

  THE THIRD ORDEAL

  An hour, two hours passed, while we strove to rest in our sleepingplace, but could not, for some influence disturbed us.

  "Why does not Ayesha come?" asked Leo at length, pausing in his walk upand down the room. "I want to see her again; I cannot bear to be apartfrom her. I feel as though she were drawing me to her."

  "How can I tell you? Ask Oros; he is outside the door."

  So he went and asked him, but Oros only smiled, and answered that theHesea had not entered her chamber, so doubtless she must still remain inthe Sanctuary.

  "Then I am going to look for her. Come, Oros, and you too, Horace."

  Oros bowed, but declined, saying that he was bidden to bide at our door,adding that we, "to whom all the paths were open," could return to theSanctuary if we thought well.

  "I do think well," replied Leo sharply. "Will you come, Horace, or shallI go without you?"

  I hesitated. The Sanctuary was a public place, it is true, but Ayeshahad said that she desired to be alone there for awhile. Without morewords, however, Leo shrugged his shoulders and started.

  "You will never find your way," I said, and followed him.

  We went down the long passages that were dimly lighted with lamps andcame to the gallery. Here we found no lamps; still we groped our wayto the great wooden doors. They were shut, but Leo pushed upon themimpatiently, and one of them swung open a little, so that we couldsqueeze ourselves between them. As we passed it closed noiselesslybehind us.

  Now we should have been in the Sanctuary, and in the full blaze ofthose awful columns of living fire. But they were out, or we had strayedelsewhere; at least the darkness was intense. We tried to work our wayback to the doors again, but could not. We were lost.

  More, something oppressed us; we did not dare to speak. We went on a fewpaces and stopped, for we became aware that we were not alone. Indeed,it seemed to me that we stood in the midst of a thronging multitude,but not of men and women. Beings pressed about us; we could feel theirrobes, yet could not touch them; we could feel their breath, but it was_cold_. The air stirred all round us as they passed to and fro, passedin endless numbers. It was as though we had entered a cathedral filledwith the vast congregation of all the dead who once had worshippedthere. We grew afraid--my face was damp with fear, the hair stood upupon my head. We seemed to have wandered into a hall of the Shades.

  At length light appeared far away, and we saw that it emanated from thetwo pillars of fire which had burned on either side of the Shrine, thatof a sudden became luminous. So we were in the Sanctuary, and stillnear to the doors. Now those pillars were not bright; they were lowand lurid; the rays from them scarcely reached us standing in the denseshadow.

  But if we could not be seen in them we still could see. Look! Yonder satAyesha on a throne, and oh! she was awful in her death-like majesty.The blue light of the sunken columns played upon her, and in it shesat erect, with such a face and mien of pride as no human creature everwore. Power seemed to flow from her; yes, it flowed from those wide-set,glittering eyes like light from jewels.

  She seemed a Queen of Death receiving homage from the dead. More, she_was_ receiving homage from dead or living--I know not which--for, as Ithought it, a shadowy Shape arose before the throne and bent the knee toher, then another, and another, and another.

  As each vague Being appeared and bowed its starry head she raised hersceptre in answering salutation. We could hear the distant tinkle of thesistrum bells, the only sound in all that place, yes, and see herlips move, though no whisper reached us from them. Surely spirits wereworshipping her!

  We gripped each other. We shrank back and found the door. It gave toour push. Now we were in the passages again, and now we had reached ourroom.

  At its entrance Oros was standing as we had left him. He greeted us withhis fixed smile, taking no note of the terror written on our faces. Wepassed him, and entering the room stared at each other.

  "What is she?" gasped Leo. "An angel?"

  "Yes," I answered, "something of that sort." But to myself I thoughtthat there are doubtless many kinds of angels.

  "And what were those--those _shadows_--doing?" he asked again.

  "Welcoming her after her transformation, I suppose. But perhaps theywere not shadows--only priests disguised and conducting some secretceremonial!"

  Leo shrugged his shoulders but made no other answer.

  At length the door opened, and Oros, entering, said that the Heseacommanded our presence in her chamber.

  So, still oppressed with fear and wonder--for what we had seen wasperhaps more dreadful than anything that had gone before--we went, tofind Ayesha seated and looking somewhat weary, but otherwise unchanged.With her was the priestess Papave, who had just unrobed her of the royalmantle which she wore in the Sanctuary.

  Ayesha beckoned Leo to her, taking his hand and searching his face withher eyes, not without anxiety as I thought.

  Now I turned, purposing to leave them alone, but she saw, and said tome, smiling--"Why wouldst thou forsake us, Holly? To go back to theSanctuary once more?" and she looked at me with meaning in her glance."Hast thou questions to ask of the statue of the Mother yonder that thoulovest the place so much? They say it speaks, telling of the future tothose who dare to kneel beside it uncompanioned from night till dawn.Yet I have often done so, but to me it has never spoken, though nonelong to learn the future more."

  I made no answer, nor did she seem to expect any, for she went on atonce--"Nay, bide here and let us have done with all sad and solemnthoughts. We three will sup together as of old, and for awhile forgetour fears and cares, and be happy as children who know not sin anddeath, or that change which is death indeed. Oros, await my lordwithout. Papave, I will call thee later to disrobe me. Till then letnone disturb us."

  The room that Ayesha inhabited was not very large, as we saw by thehanging lamps with which it was lighted. It was plainly though richlyfurnished, the rock walls being covered with tapestries, and the tablesand chairs inlaid with silver, but the only token that here a woman hadher home was that about it stood several bowls of flowers. One of these,I remember, was filled with the delicate harebells I had admired, dug uproots and all, and set in moss.

  "A poor place," said Ayesha, "yet better than that in which I dweltthose two thousand years awaiting thy coming, Leo, for, see, beyondit is a garden, wherein I sit," and she sank down upon a couch by thetable, motioning to us to take our places opposite to her.

  The meal was simple; for us, eggs boiled hard and cold venison; for her,milk, some little cakes of flour, and mountain berries.

  Presently Leo rose and threw off his gorgeous, purple-broidered robe,which he still wore, and cast upon a chair the crook-headed sceptrethat Oros had again thrust into his hand. Ayesha smiled as he did so,saying--"It would seem that thou holdest these sacred emblems in butsmall respect."

  "Very small," he answered. "Thou heardest my words in the Sanctuary,Ayesha, so let us make a pact. Thy religion I do not understand, but Iunderstand my own, and not even for thy sake will I take part in what Ihold to be idolatry."

  Now I thought that she would be angered by this plain speaking, but sheonly bowed her head and answered meekly--"Thy will is mine, Leo, thoughit will not be easy always to explain thy absence from the ceremonies inthe temple. Yet thou hast a right to thine own faith, which doubtless ismine also."

  "How can that be?" he asked, looking up.

  "Because all great Faiths are the same, changed a little to suit theneeds of passing times and peoples. What taught that of Egypt, which,in a fashion, we still follow here? That hidden in a multitude ofmanifestations, one Power great and good, rules all the universes: thatthe holy shall inherit a life eternal and the vile, eternal death: thatmen shall be shaped and judged by their own hearts and deeds, and hereand hereafter drink of the cup which they have brewed: that their realhome is not on earth, but beyond the earth, where all riddles shall beanswered and all sorrows cease. Say, dost tho
u believe these things, asI do?"

  "Aye, Ayesha, but Hes or Isis is thy goddess, for hast thou not toldus tales of thy dealings with her in the past, and did we not hear theemake thy prayer to her? Who, then, is this goddess Hes?"

  "Know, Leo, that she is what I named her--Nature's soul, no divinity,but the secret spirit of the world; that universal Motherhood, whosesymbol thou hast seen yonder, and in whose mysteries lie hid all earthlylife and knowledge."

  "Does, then, this merciful Motherhood follow her votaries with deathand evil, as thou sayest she has followed thee for thy disobedience, andme--and another--because of some unnatural vows broken long ago?" Leoasked quietly.

  Resting her arm upon the table, Ayesha looked at him with sombre eyesand answered--"In that Faith of thine of which thou speakest are thereperchance two gods, each having many ministers: a god of good and a godof evil, an Osiris and a Set?"

  He nodded.

  "I thought it. And the god of ill is strong, is he not, and can puton the shape of good? Tell me, then, Leo, in the world that is to-day,whereof I know so little, hast thou ever heard of frail souls who forsome earthly bribe have sold themselves to that evil one, or to hisminister, and been paid their price in bitterness and anguish?"

  "All wicked folk do as much in this form or in that," he answered.

  "And if once there lived a woman who was mad with the thirst for beauty,for life, for wisdom, and for love, might she not--oh! might she notperchance----"

  "Sell herself to the god called Set, or one of his angels? Ayesha,dost thou mean"--and Leo rose, speaking in a voice that was full offear--"that thou art such a woman?"

  "And if so?" she asked, also rising and drawing slowly near to him.

  "If so," he answered hoarsely, "if so, I think that perhaps we had bestfulfil our fates apart----"

  "Ah!" she said, with a little scream of pain as though a knife hadstabbed her, "wouldst thou away to Atene? I tell thee that thou canstnot leave me. I have power--above all men thou shouldst know it, whomonce I slew. Nay, thou hast no memory, poor creature of a breath, andI--I remember too well. I will not hold thee dead again--I'll holdthee living. Look now on my beauty, Leo"--and she bent her swayingform towards him, compelling him with her glorious, alluring eyes--"andbegone if thou canst. Why, thou drawest nearer to me. Man, that is notthe path of flight.

  "Nay, I will not tempt thee with these common lures. Go, Leo, if thouwilt. Go, my love, and leave me to my loneliness and my sin. Now--atonce. Atene will shelter thee till spring, when thou canst cross themountains and return to thine own world again, and to those things ofcommon life which are thy joy. See, Leo, I veil myself that thou mayestnot be tempted," and she flung the corner of her cloak about her head,then asked a sudden question through it--"Didst thou not but now returnto the Sanctuary with Holly after I bade thee leave me there alone?Methought I saw the two of you standing by its doors."

  "Yes, we came to seek thee," he answered.

  "And found more than ye sought, as often chances to the bold--is it notso? Well, I willed that ye should come and see, and protected you whereothers might have died."

  "What didst thou there upon the throne, and whose were those forms whichwe saw bending before thee?" he asked coldly.

  "I have ruled in many shapes and lands, Leo. Perchance they were ancientcompanions and servitors of mine come to greet me once again and to hearmy tidings. Or perchance they were but shadows of thy brain, pictureslike those upon the fire, that it pleased me to summon to thy sight, totry thy strength and constancy.

  "Leo Vincey, know now the truth; that all things are illusions, eventhat there exists no future and no past, that what has been and whatshall be already _is_ eternally. Know that I, Ayesha, am but a magicwraith, foul when thou seest me foul, fair when thou seest me fair; aspirit-bubble reflecting a thousand lights in the sunshine of thy smile,grey as dust and gone in the shadow of thy frown. Think of the thronedQueen before whom the shadowy Powers bowed and worship, for that is I.Think of the hideous, withered Thing thou sawest naked on the rock, andflee away, for that is I. Or keep me lovely, and adore, knowing all evilcentred in my spirit, for that is I. Now, Leo, thou hast the truth. Putme from thee for ever and for ever if thou wilt, and be safe; or claspme, clasp me to thy heart, and in payment for my lips and love take mysin upon thy head! Nay, Holly, be thou silent, for now he must judgealone."

  Leo turned, as I thought, at first, to find the door. But it was not so,for he did but walk up and down the room awhile. Then he came back towhere Ayesha stood, and spoke quite simply and in a very quiet voice,such as men of his nature often assume in moments of great emotion.

  "Ayesha," he said, "when I saw thee as thou wast, aged and--thou knowesthow--I clung to thee. Now, when thou hast told me the secret of thisunholy pact of thine, when with my eyes, at least, I have seen theereigning a mistress of spirits good or ill, yet I cling to thee. Let thysin, great or little--whate'er it is--be my sin also. In truth, I feelits weight sink to my soul and become a part of me, and although I haveno vision or power of prophecy, I am sure that I shall not escape itspunishment. Well, though I be innocent, let me bear it for thy sake. Iam content."

  Ayesha heard, the cloak slipped from her head, and for a moment shestood silent like one amazed, then burst into a passion of sudden tears.Down she went before him, and clinging to his garments, she bowed herstately shape until her forehead touched the ground. Yes, that proudbeing, who was more than mortal, whose nostrils but now had drunk theincense of the homage of ghosts or spirits, humbled herself at thisman's feet.

  With an exclamation of horror, half-maddened at the piteous sight, Leosprang to one side, then stooping, lifted and led her still weeping tothe couch.

  "Thou knowest not what thou hast done," Ayesha said at last. "Let allthou sawest on the Mountain's crest or in the Sanctuary be but visionsof the night; let that tale of an offended goddess be a parable, afable, if thou wilt. This at least is true, that ages since I sinned forthee and against thee and another; that ages since I bought beauty andlife indefinite wherewith I might win thee and endow thee at a costwhich few would dare; that I have paid interest on the debt, in mockery,utter loneliness, and daily pain which scarce could be endured, untilthe bond fell due at last and must be satisfied.

  "Yes, how I may not tell thee, thou and thou alone stoodst between meand the full discharge of this most dreadful debt--for know that inmercy it is given to us to redeem one another."

  Now he would have spoken, but with a motion of her hand she bade him besilent, and continued--"See now, Leo, three great dangers has thybody passed of late upon its journey to my side; the Death-hounds,the Mountains, and the Precipice. Know that these were but types andordained foreshadowings of the last threefold trial of thy soul. Fromthe pursuing passions of Atene which must have undone us both, thou hastescaped victorious. Thou hast endured the desert loneliness of thesands and snows starving for a comfort that never came. Even when theavalanche thundered round thee thy faith stood fast as it stood abovethe Pit of flame, while after bitter years of doubt a rushing floodof horror swallowed up thy hopes. As thou didst descend the glacier'ssteep, not knowing what lay beneath that fearful path, so but now and ofthine own choice, for very love of me, thou hast plunged headlong intoan abyss that is deeper far, to share its terrors with my spirit. Dostthou understand at last?"

  "Something, not all, I think," he answered slowly.

  "Surely thou art wrapped in a double veil of blindness," she criedimpatiently. "Listen again:

  "Hadst thou yielded to Nature's crying and rejected me but yesterday,in that foul shape I must perchance have lingered for uncounted time,playing the poor part of priestess of a forgotten faith. This was thefirst temptation, the ordeal of thy flesh--nay, not the first--thesecond, for Atene and her lurings were the first. But thou wast loyal,and in the magic of thy conquering love my beauty and my womanhood werere-born.

  "Hadst thou rejected me to-night, when, as I was bidden to do, I showedthee that vision in the Sanctuary and confesse
d to thee my soul's blackcrime, then hopeless and helpless, unshielded by my earthly power, Imust have wandered on into the deep and endless night of solitude.This was the third appointed test, the trial of thy spirit, and by thysteadfastness, Leo, thou hast loosed the hand of Destiny from about mythroat. Now I am regenerate in thee--through thee may hope again forsome true life beyond, which thou shalt share. And yet, and yet, if thoushouldst suffer, as well may chance----"

  "Then I suffer, and there's an end," broke in Leo serenely. "Save fora few things my mind is clear, and there must be justice for us all atlast. If I have broken the bond that bound thee, if I have freed theefrom some threatening, spiritual ill by taking a risk upon my head,well, I have not lived, and if need be, shall not die in vain. So let ushave done with all these problems, or rather first answer thou me one.Ayesha, how wast thou changed upon that peak?"

  "In flame I left thee, Leo, and in flame I did return, as in flame,mayhap, we shall both depart. Or perhaps the change was in the eyes ofall of you who watched, and not in this shape of mine. I have answered.Seek to learn no more."

  "One thing I do still seek to learn. Ayesha, we were betrothed to-night.When wilt thou marry me?"

  "Not yet, not yet," she answered hurriedly, her voice quivering as shespoke. "Leo, thou must put that hope from thy thoughts awhile, and forsome few months, a year perchance, be content to play the part of friendand lover."

  "Why so?" he asked, with bitter disappointment. "Ayesha, those partshave been mine for many a day; more, I grow no younger, and, unlikethee, shall soon be old. Also, life is fleeting, and sometimes I thinkthat I near its end."

  "Speak no such evil-omened words," she said, springing from the couchand stamping her sandalled foot upon the ground in anger born of fear."Yet thou sayest truth; thou art unfortified against the accidents oftime and chance. Oh! horrible, horrible; thou mightest die again, andleave me living."

  "Then give me of thy life, Ayesha."

  "That would I gladly, all of it, couldst thou but repay me with the boonof death to come.

  "Oh! ye poor mortals," she went on, with a sudden burst of passion; "yebeseech your gods for the gift of many years, being ignorant that yewould sow a seed within your breasts whence ye must garner ten thousandmiseries. Know ye not that this world is indeed the wide house of hell,in whose chambers from time to time the spirit tarries a little while,then, weary and aghast, speeds wailing to the peace that it has won.

  "Think then what it is to live on here eternally and yet be human; toage in soul and see our beloved die and pass to lands whither we maynot hope to follow; to wait while drop by drop the curse of the longcenturies falls upon our imperishable being, like water slow dripping ona diamond that it cannot wear, till they be born anew forgetful of us,and again sink from our helpless arms into the void unknowable.

  "Think what it is to see the sins we sin, the tempting look, the wordidle or unkind--aye, even the selfish thought or struggle, multipliedten thousandfold and more eternal than ourselves, spring up upon theuniversal bosom of the earth to be the bane of a million destinies,whilst the everlasting Finger writes its endless count, and a coldvoice of Justice cries in our conscience-haunted solitude, 'Oh! soulunshriven, behold the ripening harvest thy wanton hand did scatter, andlong in vain for the waters of forgetfulness.'

  "Think what it is to have every earthly wisdom, yet to burn unsatisfiedfor the deeper and forbidden draught; to gather up all wealth and powerand let them slip again, like children weary of a painted toy; to sweepthe harp of fame, and, maddened by its jangling music, to stamp it smallbeneath our feet; to snatch at pleasure's goblet and find its wine issand, and at length, outworn, to cast us down and pray the pitiless godswith whose stolen garment we have wrapped ourselves, to take it backagain, and suffer us to slink naked to the grave.

  "Such is the life thou askest, Leo. Say, wilt thou have it now?"

  "If it may be shared with thee," he answered. "These woes are born ofloneliness, but then our perfect fellowship would turn them into joy."

  "Aye," she said, "while it was permitted to endure. So be it, Leo. Inthe spring, when the snows melt, we will journey together to Libya, andthere thou shalt be bathed in the Fount of Life, that forbidden Essenceof which once thou didst fear to drink. Afterwards I will wed thee."

  "That place is closed for ever, Ayesha."

  "Not to my feet and thine," she answered. "Fear not, my love, were thismountain heaped thereon, I would blast a path through it with mine eyesand lay its secret bare. Oh! would that thou wast as I am, for thenbefore tomorrow's sun we'd watch the rolling pillar thunder by, and thoushouldst taste its glory.

  "But it may not be. Hunger or cold can starve thee, and waters drown;swords can slay thee, or sickness sap away thy strength. Had it not beenfor the false Atene, who disobeyed my words, as it was foredoomedthat she should do, by this day we were across the mountains, or hadtravelled northward through the frozen desert and the rivers. Now wemust await the melting of the snows, for winter is at hand, and in it,as thou knowest, no man can live upon their heights."

  "Eight months till April before we can start, and how long to crossthe mountains and all the vast distances beyond, and the seas, and theswamps of Kor? Why, at the best, Ayesha, two years must go by before wecan even find the place;" and he fell to entreating her to let them bewed at once and journey afterwards.

  But she said, Nay, and nay, and nay, it should not be, till at length,as though fearing his pleading, or that of her own heart, she rose anddismissed us.

  "Ah! my Holly," she said to me as we three parted, "I promised thee andmyself some few hours of rest and of the happiness of quiet, and thouseest how my desire has been fulfilled. Those old Egyptians were wontto share their feasts with one grizzly skeleton, but here I counted fourto-night that you both could see, and they are named Fear, Suspense,Foreboding, and Love-denied. Doubtless also, when these are buriedothers will come to haunt us, and snatch the poor morsel from our lips.

  "So hath it ever been with me, whose feet misfortune dogs. Yet I hopeon, and now many a barrier lies behind us; and Leo, thou hast beentried in the appointed, triple fires and yet proved true. Sweet be thyslumbers, O my love, and sweeter still thy dreams, for know, my soulshall share them. I vow to thee that to-morrow we'll be happy, aye,to-morrow without fail."

  "Why will she not marry me at once?" asked Leo, when we were alone inour chamber. "Because she is afraid," I answered.