The Renfield Syndrome

by J. A. Saare

  Awe and excitement crossed her features. “You’re talking about the pack.”

  “Yes.”

  “I was told they were a myth, something to keep hope alive. I didn’t know they were real.”

  I laughed at that. Victoria would feed off her caged entertainment’s hope.

  The sadistic bitch thrived on misery.

  “They’re not a myth, but they want a piece of my ass. I can’t take you there or stick around after you go. I can only point you in the right direction.”

  “I don’t understand.” Worry crossed her face. “Why would they want to hurt you?”

  “I betrayed them.” When her eyes widened, I exhaled slowly, trying to find the proper words. “I was warned about how things were with vampires, but I didn’t believe it. I turned my back on the pack to come home. I wanted to return to the people I believed had the power to help me.”

  “You’re different.” When I glanced at her, she clarified, “From the others, I mean.”

  “Yeah, I am.” I didn’t offer more than that. In a few hours, it wouldn’t matter anyway. Considering what I was about to do, the shit was definitely going to hit the fan.

  As I tried to formulate a plan, I started pacing.

  I needed a ride to my neighborhood in Greenpoint, which was near werewolf territory. Asking Goose was out of the question, since he’d want to know more information than I could readily provide. Paine was off limits as well. If he found out I was dabbling in demon magic, he’d put an end to things before they’d even started.

  “Tell me what I can do to help.”

  I’d almost forgotten Jennifer, but I stopped pacing and faced her. “I need to go to my old apartment, but I can’t ask anyone here to take me. Walking is too dangerous. We need to get there without being detected and there’s a hell of a lot of miles between here and there.”

  “Oh.” Her face became deflated, like a child who learned their best wasn’t good enough. “I can’t help you.”

  After edging over to her, I placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, I’ll figure something out.”

  A knock at the door broke us apart. I took a deep breath and walked to greet our unexpected guest. Bells waited on the other side with a tentative smile. I stepped aside and she walked in, carrying a couple of bags.

  “I didn’t think the clothes I gave you were enough, so I brought more. Dad said our styles don’t exactly mesh, but I’m sure you’ll make do.”

  I smiled, trying to make it as believable as possible, and accepted her offering when a thought came to mind. It felt totally wrong, since what I would be asking would essentially ensure Belinda McDaniel never came into existence.

  Sometimes the big decisions and choices were the most difficult to make.

  “I was thinking about that, actually.” I placed the bags on the couch and turned to face the female version of Goose. “I was wondering if I could swing by my old apartment. Some of my things might still be there.”

  “As far as I know, everything is exactly as you left it. Paine didn’t have the heart to let the apartment go. He has someone air the place out from time to time. Dad could probably take you later this evening. Paine will want to come as well.”

  “I’d rather go during the day.” I tried to keep things airy and light. “The last time I saw my place, some crazy shit happened.”

  “You’re not afraid of the dark, are you?” Bells arched an eyebrow playfully.

  “Nope. I just like to be able to see where I’m going, and I prefer to do my errands during the day. I haven’t had a chance to become accustomed to the nightlife.”

  Bells shifted uncomfortably. “I suppose I could ask for an escort and take you over.” She glanced at Jennifer. “I take it you’ll be bringing your new friend along?”

  “Yes.” Keeping my annoyance at bay was tough, but since I dealt with assholes at the bar on a regular basis, I managed. “Is that a problem?”

  “No, she’s not an issue.” Bells quickly returned her attention to me. “I just don’t think Paine would appreciate me taking you out without his consent. He’s down in the club. You should go tell him before we go.”

  Damn. Facing Paine again was not the thing I wanted to do. However, judging by Bells’s unrelenting stance, I didn’t see any way around it.

  “Okay, no problem.”

  Bells relaxed and Jennifer glanced at me. I looked at the young girl, hoping the decision I was making for her was the right one.

  “You stay here. I’ll come back after I’ve talked to Paine and we can go.”

  Jennifer nodded, and I began the trek that would take me to the club. There was no one to bump into along the way. The place was eerily quiet, so different from what I was used to. I’d come to The Razor once when it was closed, curious to see how things worked when vampires weren’t crowding the joint. Oddly enough, it reminded me a lot of The Black Panther Lounge. There were people cleaning, vacuums blaring and the sound of bottles being stocked.

  Paine wasn’t on the lower floor, so I went upstairs to his private area. He was on the phone when I entered but quickly ended the call when he saw me. His dark hair was unkempt, his expensive shirt loose around the neck, several buttons undone along his throat. He didn’t look at me, and he didn’t waste any time.

  “Are you ready to talk?”

  His brisk and impartial tone was like ice settling over my skin. “I wanted to tell you that Bells is driving me to my apartment to get some of my things.”

  That brought his all-seeing, onyx gaze to my face. “I’d prefer you to wait until I can accompany you and we have the opportunity to talk.”

  Smiling slightly, I reminded him, “Space, remember?”

  He scowled and rose, moving so quickly the back of the chair banged against the wall. He didn’t walk around the desk—he prowled, each step lethal and menacing. When he stood in front of me, I couldn’t tell if he was resisting the urge to shake me, take me into his arms and kiss me again, or both.

  “I’m not going to order you to stay here, but I am going to ask.” He looked me dead in the eye. “Will you wait for me to accompany you? It’s dangerous outside of our area, and I don’t want you going alone.”

  Using physical intimacy was wrong, and I knew it. Still, it didn’t stop me from placing my hands on his chest. “I won’t be alone, remember? It won’t take long. A quick trip to collect a few things, and I’ll be back. We can sort things out then.”

  He closed his eyes as my fingers brushed the skin at his throat, and I’d never felt like more of a traitorous bitch in my life. This wasn’t me, using feminine wiles to get what I wanted. I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize, someone I never imagined could stoop so fucking low.

  He opened his eyes and nailed me with his glorious, obsidian peepers. “You can go, but there is one condition.”

  Panic threatened to choke me at the seriousness in his eyes. “What condition?”

  “The next time you share my bed, you’ll do it because you want me as much as I want you. I don’t want a pity fuck, or you using me as you think of someone else. When we are together, you will be with me—only me. I can’t settle for anything less than that.” At my ragged intake of air, he wrapped his cool fingers under my hair and around my nape. “I know you haven’t had a lot of time to come to terms with what has happened, and asking for so much makes me a fucking prick, but I can’t help it. I’ve waited years for you, uncertain of when you’d return. Now that I’ve tasted heaven, I can’t go back to being alone. Don’t ask me to.”

  “I’m not sure I can.” I felt a hot rush of tears burning my eyes.

  I knew that if I did as he asked, it would be a betrayal instead of an act of sheer desperation and a need to have control of something in the crazy course of my life. If I went to him again, there would be no excuse for my actions. I would be willingly cheating on the man I
loved in the past. I wasn’t sure when—or if—I’d see Disco again, but I knew he wouldn’t forgive me for making love to another man not once, but twice.

  Tugging me to his chest, he whispered into my hair, “I’m pushing you, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.” Stroking my back, he said, “We have time. We have each other.”

  Christ, how little he knew. It wasn’t fucking fair.

  I had always hated crying. It represented a weakness I could never afford.

  When the tears started, I wanted to force them back and demand they stay right where they belonged. Paine pulled me closer and brushed his fingers through my hair in a manner that I was certain was meant as comfort. What he couldn’t possibly understand was his touch made me feel even worse, since I was using the very thing he craved against him.

  As soon as I had my shit together, I pulled away and swiped at my cheeks. “I won’t be long. Just a few hours.”

  He reached into his pocket and produced a phone and a key ring. He removed one of the keys and offered it to me. “Here’s the key to your apartment. I had the locks changed shortly after you disappeared. Take this with you.” He handed me the cell and key. “I expect you to call me and tell me when you arrive. The number to the office hasn’t changed.”

  Nodding, I took the device and key and slid them into my free pocket. I felt the tips of his fingers under my chin and closed my eyes as I lifted my face, anticipating the kiss that was to come. It was soft, gentle, tender—a parting farewell that promised something more, although there was nothing more for me to give.

  “Don’t stay away too long.” His breath was cool against my lips. “I want to take care of things as soon as possible.”

  Feeling as if I was unable to breathe, I closed my eyes and created a mental snapshot of him in time, and murmured thickly, “I won’t.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Rhiannon’s Law #68: If you’re going to fly by the seat of your pants, rock out with your cock out. The landing is going to hurt either way, and you might as well make an impression when you nail it.

  My skydive without a parachute was in the making, created by a decision that was unshakable. From the moment I met Bells, the escort she introduced as Mardock, and Jennifer, I was ready to face whatever came my way. I was about to betray not only Paine, but even worse, the bitch who controlled the city.

  Did I care about the last part?

  No. Not really.

  The drive to my apartment was bittersweet, the minutes ticking by faster than I would have liked. Each mile that brought me closer to my home amped my adrenaline, and damn if it wasn’t a bitch to remain cool in the face of what I was about to do. Not with Bells and her easy smile, knowing she would cease to exist. She wouldn’t be part of the future, which didn’t feel right. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about that.

  When we pulled to the curb in front of my building, I motioned for Bells to remain seated. “Give me a few minutes.”

  Her slight frown told me she didn’t trust me, and I didn’t blame her. Thankfully, she didn’t argue as I stepped out and started my trek. Jennifer remained glued to my ass as I climbed from the back seat, and I didn’t deter her. Part one of my plans meant that she would have to accompany me into the apartment.

  I called Paine on my way up—as I’d promised—and told him things were fine.

  Then, I entered my former home.

  To my surprise, not much had changed.

  There was still the glass door, which I had to open to enter the building. As we climbed the stairs, my heart started racing, the rapid drum of my pulse pounding in my ears. I slid the key into the shiny brass knob on the grungy door and entered my pad. A simple glance informed me things were exactly as I’d left them. The cherry table next to the door still had my answering machine, although there was no blinking light indicating I had any messages.

  Jennifer closed the door behind us, and I started the trek to my bedroom. Sonja said everything I needed was in my closet, but a part of me remained skeptical. Sure, she’d allowed me to send her to whatever place her spirit was doomed to inhabit, but that didn’t mean shit. I’d learned a long time ago that things weren’t always as they seemed.

  Entering the bedroom, I had to force myself to walk—not scamper—to the double glass doors. As I slid them open, I saw my clothing was as I left it. Now it was time to see if there truly was a prize behind door number one. There was nothing in the back of the closet, but I immediately noticed the box on the top shelf—a box that definitely did not belong.

  I pulled it down and learned it wasn’t a box, but a suitcase.

  Glancing sideways at Jennifer, I carried it to my bed.

  It took a hell of a lot of courage to open the damned thing, but with two snaps of my fingers on either side of the front, I was able to access the items inside. There was a journal, a folder and a sheathed knife of some kind. I pulled the journal out first, my fingers trembling, and sagged in relief when I saw the pages contained the information promised. I put the journal aside and reached for the folder. There were more pages inside, pages I didn’t have time to read over.

  “Listen to me closely,” I told Jennifer as I slid the folder into the suitcase. “See that window? It’s got a fire escape attached to it. It’ll take you to the side of the building. No one will be able to see you leave. Make sure you stay out of sight. Find the pack. Be sure to tell them everything you know.”

  She glanced at the window. “You want me to run?”

  “I want you to live out the life you deserve. You shouldn’t exist in a cage or be used whenever Victoria goes crazy.” As I closed the case, I asked, “You said you have a strong sense of smell, right?”

  There was genuine laughter in her voice, which somehow gave me the cajones to follow through with my decision. “It comes with the genes.”

  “Good, because you’re going to need your nose to guide you.” I tried to recall the trip I’d made to the city with the pack. “You’re going to want to head for a wooded area as quickly as possible. Avoid people and avoid major streets. The sun is still out, which means you shouldn’t have a lot of trouble.”

  Humor was replaced by fear. “What if this doesn’t work?”

  “I can’t answer that. I have no idea what’s going to happen. At this point, I can only hope things will change for the better. Besides”—I smiled at her—“If I can change things for the better, maybe this world won’t be as cruel or unfair.”

  “How am I supposed to find them?”

  “Hopefully you won’t have to.” I smiled at her apprehensive face, hoping to reassure her. “They have guards out during the day to collect things they need. They also patrol their borders. If you do what I’m telling you, one of them will eventually find you.”

  “What about you?” She followed me as I returned to the closet to retrieve a large duffel bag to collect some clothes. After all, I had to make my trip look legit.

  “I’ll accept the consequences for my actions. I was told you were mine to do with as I pleased. If I want to let you go, it’s my choice.”

  “Victoria will kill you.” There was no threat in her voice, only a calm point of fact. “That’s probably why she gave me to you. She wants to see what you’ll do.”

  “Let her try. She won’t be the first.” Shoving clothing into the bag, I shrugged. “I don’t give a shit.”

  Jennifer wrapped her fingers around my bicep, her grip painfully firm. “I’m not joking. I’ve seen her destroy her own for less. When she learns what you’ve done, she’ll either kill you or turn you into some form of entertainment. That’s what she does.”

  As I pulled from her grasp, she stepped back, and we faced off.

  “Here’s the deal, Lucille. My ass is grass regardless. I owe a debt to a demon. I have less than forty-eight hours to end it. Right now, the odds of doing that are pretty slim. I’m doomed no matter
what happens. If I’m going to go, I’m going to do what the fuck I want in the time I have left. Right now I want to know you’ll never return to what I imagine is its own version of Hell.” At her stunned expression, I shook and lowered my head. “I’m fucked no matter if I let you go or if I don’t. Given the choice, I’m going to let you go. It’s that simple.”

  She didn’t say anything, so I nodded at the window. “I want to give you a decent head start. I’m going to pack some clothes and take my sweet-ass time doing it. If you hurry, you can be long gone before anyone comes to check on me.”

  The innocent and torn look in her eyes was one I could relate to. “I can’t leave you.”

  “You can, and you will. I just have one thing to ask of you in return.”

  Her uncertain expression didn’t change. “All right.”

  “Tell Carter I was wrong. Tell him that if I have anything to say about it, this cesspool we’re living in will never happen. I’m going to do everything I can to make the future a better place. He’ll understand the message.”

  “Who’s Carter?”

  I urged her toward the window and pulled up the blinds. A quick flick turned the lock, and I reached for the bottom of the windowsill. “You’ll see. Now, get going.” I lifted the glass and stepped aside. “Stay low and keep your eyes open. You’re wasting time.”

  I considered thanking the good Lord above when she didn’t argue.

  As Jennifer climbed out the window, I watched in silence, keeping an eye on her until she was safely down the metal stairwell. When she hit the ground, she peered at me one last time and took off. I hoped like hell that she’d make it, that she’d continue south and be found by one of her own. It was the only thing I could give her, and goddamn it, if I could, I would.

  It didn’t take long to stuff jeans, sweaters and my favorite clothing into the duffel. I quickly retrieved my shit-kickers from the small washroom attached to my kitchen and put them on. Then I returned to the bedroom and took a seat on the floor—in front of the suitcase. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but I was guessing it was nearing the ten-minute mark.