TRIBES

by Mia Frances

  Chapter 31

  Alex stepped onto the porch, quietly closing the door behind her. It was chilly. She wrapped the blanket tightly around her bare shoulders as the wind fluttered the long white nightgown around her ankles. Inside, the children, all ten of them, were safely asleep in their beds. Including the newest addition, Marissa, the 12-year-old girl they'd rescued from the marauders. Alex walked to the edge of the porch. In the distance she could see the light of his fire, a glowing dot in a sea of black. He'd been camped there for two weeks, but hadn't come near the house except to bring food and supplies and inquire about the girls. Little by little, he'd been bringing down what was salvageable from the burned-out ruin where the girls had been held: soot-covered cans of food, rifles, shotguns, and ammunition, tools, pots and pans, whatever he could carry. He'd been providing fresh meat for their table: mostly rabbit, squirrel, and duck. They'd hardly spoken since the night of the rescue. There was an impenetrable wall of silence between them. He talked to the children; but as soon as Alex appeared at the door, he'd leave. Words were too painful. When they did come face to face, the encounter was unnerving for both of them. He looked self-conscious and tense; she was fidgety and shy; both averting their eyes. Neither breaking the silence. With the girls better, he was leaving tomorrow, going back to his camp at Cedar Lake, five miles south of them. Game was plentiful there. The lake teeming with fish. The forest lush with nuts, wild fruits, and berries. He willingly shared its bounty with them. That's what brought him north that night. Wolf was bringing them deer meat when he encountered Justin on the road.

  Alex had watched his fire night after night, trying to make sense of the emotions seething inside her. The confusion, doubts, and uncertainties. She smoothed the nightgown, then brought her wrist up to her nose and inhaled the sweet fragrance of flowers. She'd taken a bath, scrubbing her skin clean, then brushed the tangles from her hair. It had taken her a while to locate the nightgown he'd once left on the porch for her. She finally found it lying wrinkled in a corner beneath a mound of extra blankets. Smudged with dirt, she'd put it on, disheartened at the image captured in the mirror. Despite her best efforts, Alex looked plain, frumpy, and unattractive.

  She felt like crying. What was she doing? Trying to seduce him? Couldn't she just leave well enough alone? He was alive and well. That's what she wanted. What she'd prayed for. Why wasn't that enough for her? Let him go and be done with it, the voice inside her warned. But logic couldn't assuage the nagging need inside her. Alex tried to hate him; but, try as she might, she couldn't. Her mind dredged up images of his strict rules and harsh punishments, but her heart wasn't swayed. For all his faults, he was a good man. Alex kept thinking back to the night they'd freed the girls, wondering what would have happened if he hadn't been there. Could she have saved them on her own? Or would she have gotten them all killed?

  It seemed a cruel joke that the only time Alex was certain about her feelings for Wolf was when she thought he was dead. Her grief at losing him had been agonizingly real, but she'd been mourning an illusion; what she wanted him to be, not what he was. Now that he was alive, she had to contend with the real man, with all his glaring faults and flaws. The man was a tyrant, she reminded herself. But a tyrant who fed, clothed, and provided for them. Who protected and fought to keep them safe. She twisted the Claddagh ring on her finger. Even after throwing him out, she hadn't taken it off. Wolf had told her he loved her that night. Alex hadn't believed him. Thought his words were empty, meaningless. In the end, actions speak louder than words. Wolf never abandoned her or the children, continuing to care for them even when they no longer cared for him. Was that love? She continued to twist the ring. Friendship, loyalty, and love: that's what it signified. Alex hadn't taken it seriously, but evidently he had!

  Alex turned back to the door, dreading what awaited her inside. She couldn't bear the loneliness anymore, the aching need that grew like a cancer, torturing her mind, heart, and soul. She feared the night, with its darkness, silence, and solitude. Her days were equally sad and disheartening. Even amidst the chatter of children, she felt alone, that nameless need unsatisfied. She cursed Wolf, him with his threatening eyes and bellowing voice. Why wouldn't he leave her be? He could have gone off some place far away, instead of hovering on the fringes of her life? She'd tried to drive him off, but he stubbornly stayed…unseen, yet always there. She'd wanted nothing more than to be rid of him, get him out of her life; but Wolf was like a pestilence, a plague with no cure.

  Alex thought about the endless nights to come. Of all the things she feared, she feared the future most. She was terrified of dying, but terrified of living too. She viewed both with equal dread. Now that the worst of the danger had passed and their survival assured, at least for the moment, she could feel her anxiety and apprehension mounting. Life would go on, one dreary day after another, each indistinguishable in its sameness, day after day, month after month, year after year, until her life was over. That was all there was. The bleak future that awaited her. It didn't matter, she was already dying inside.

  Trembling, she made her way to the window. Fingers clutching the frame, she peered in. She didn't want to go back in there. Alex pressed her nose against the glass as tears flooded her eyes. This was her home, but there was no comfort, no warmth, no sanctuary here. It was a building, four walls and a roof, not a home. Even with the fire burning brightly, the interior seemed ominous; like a crypt, a place to shrivel up and die. Alex loved the children dearly, but they couldn't fill the void. She needed more. She needed him!

  Steam rose from the bubbling pot atop the stove. It was filled with chunks of meat stewing in a rich broth. It wouldn't be there if not for Wolf. He'd given it to them…asking nothing in return. A brutish guardian angel, Wolf dogged her footsteps, always coming to her aid when she was most in need. The man stubbornly refused to accept the fact that the connection between them had been severed. He was determined to maintain his role as protector and provider no matter what she said or did. It was a role he'd created for himself and one he played well. Alex kept thinking about the girls and how he'd risked his life to help free them. Though they'd treated him with disdain, expelling him from their family, and evicting him from his home; Wolf still cared about them, would do anything to save them. In all the confusion that night, she'd never even thanked him. Alex was afraid to, fearing that once she spoke the words the wall of silence would come crashing down. What was it she'd wanted to tell him that night when she'd scoured the darkness, desperately searching for him? Why couldn't she bring herself to say it now that he was here? The words lay silent on her lips, afraid to be spoken.

  Alex turned away from the window, head throbbing as contrary emotions competed for control. He was a rapist! A brute! A strict taskmaster who found fault with everything she said and did! Alex had every reason to hate him, yet she didn't, she couldn't. The good in him far outweighed the bad. He'd long ago atoned for the rape. Saving her life and the lives of the girls. Working to keep their family fed, clothed, and warm. Honor and duty were more than just words to him. He was brave, unselfish, and caring. He didn't deserve the rancor and animosity she'd heaped on him.

  She stared at the little dot of light, overwhelmed with uncertainty; then slowly crossed the porch and disappeared into the darkness.

  Alex hung back, hidden by the trees, watching the blazing campfire and the shadow crouching beside it…an emotional basket case! Anxious. Conflicted. Irrational. And scared stiff. Her chest heaved as she tried to suck in more air. Was she smothering or hyperventilating? Dizzy and drenched in sweat, her legs began to wobble. She couldn't do this! Alex spun on her heels, ready to bolt, but stopped, paralyzed by indecision. Summoning her courage, she took in a deep, steadying breath, and pivoted back around. Alex chewed her bottom lip nervously, trying to decide what to do. Making up her mind, she began walking, her plastic flip flops tapping against the rocky ground. With each step, an inner voice warned her to turn back before it was too late. What was wrong with her? Did
she have amnesia? Why would she willingly return to his clutches? Live under his rules? Subject herself to his discipline? Did she really want to go back to that? Alex refused to heed the frantic voice inside her that presaged disaster and doom. Another force was leading her through the darkness to him. It was fear that had driven her away from him and fear that drew her back. But fear of what?

  "Who's there?" he shouted, jumping to his feet at the sound of movement in the trees.

  Flinching, Alex didn't answer.

  "Who's there?" he demanded, his voice threatening.

  "It's Alex." With two little words, she'd sealed her fate. Clutching the blanket to her breast, she made her way to the place where he stood waiting.

  "What are you doing out here?" he questioned her. "Has something happened? The girls? Are they OK?"

  "They're fine," she assured him in a timid voice.

  He eyed her suspiciously, wondering what it was she wanted. Probably for him to get lost! At least this time she wasn't pointing a gun at him!

  Alex hesitated as she entered the light, afraid to come closer. He studied her, frowning. She felt self-conscious and ill at ease as his gaze shifted from her face to her shivering body. Embarrassed, she lowered her eyes and quickly walked over to the fire. "It's chilly," she mumbled, unable to hide her nervousness. She could hear his footsteps coming up behind her.

  "Why are you here?" His tone was gruff.

  "I came to thank you," she whispered, afraid to face him. "For what you did for us that night and for the food you've been bringing. It seems I'm in you're debt again." Her voice was cracking, but she managed to keep her composure.

  He walked to her side and squatted in front of the fire, picking up a stick and poking at the embers. He didn't say anything for the longest time. His silence made her even more uncomfortable.

  "I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful," she blurted out.

  He smirked, then shook his head. "It's late and it's cold. Go home, Alex!"

  "I just thought..."

  He glared at her. "Thought what?" he jeered, grabbing the hem of her nightgown and then tossing it away in disgust. "That you were gonna settle up? Pay me off? Is that why you're prancing around half naked?"

  Humiliated, Alex cringed, unable to answer.

  "Don't bother. You don't owe me anything. Go home!" he repeated angrily.

  Alex stood unmoving, head bowed, eyes fixed on the ground. "I just thought…I thought we could talk."

  "About what? What do we have to talk about?" he snapped. "We've got nothing to say to each other."

  Visibly shivering, Alex looked up at him as though she were about to say something, but the words wouldn't come out. They remained stuck in her throat. She was afraid to utter a sound, scared to let her feelings out. Once said, there'd be no going back. So she just stood there like a statue, trying to hold back the flood of emotion threatening to drown her.

  "You're gonna catch your death," he admonished her. "Stay close to the fire. I'll get you a another blanket."

  She watched as he hurried to a small bark shelter and dragged out a ragged quilt.

  "Come on. I'm taking you home," he announced as he draped it over her shoulders. "Next time you get it in your head to go wandering around at night, put some frigging clothes on and bring a goddam light!" Wolf grabbed a burning branch from the fire and putting his free hand on her waist, steered Alex back the way she'd come. "You could have broken your damfool neck walking around out here in the dark!" he scolded.

  Alex took a few steps, then abruptly stopped. "Please, I think we should talk," she pleaded.

  "Walk!" he growled, glaring at her.

  Alex stubbornly stood her ground.

  "Move dammit!" he commanded, but she wouldn't budge. "Fine! We'll talk!" he snarled, seeing that she couldn't be cowed. "But keep your feet moving."

  Wolf let go of her and walked ahead, taking the lead. Alex lagged behind a at first. Then, seeing that he was leaving, with or without her, rushed to catch up.

  When she was only a step or two behind him, he began to speak, "So talk! You've got my undivided attention. What was so important that you had to come rushing out in the middle of the night to tell me?"

  There was an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever. Alex didn't know where to begin. "The onions are up," she said weakly.

  Wolf's expression was disbelieving. He looked at her, shook his head and roared with laughter. "That's what you came out here to tell me? That the onions are up? That's what was so important?"

  "It proves the ozone layer isn't depleted. Wasn't damaged by the bombs. There's no danger from ultraviolet radiation," she stammered, trying to make him understand.

  "So?" he asked, his laughter subsiding.

  "It means we're going to survive!"

  "All that from a couple of onions?"

  "They'd be the first thing to die from ultraviolet radiation, but they didn't. They're growing," she told him. "Don't you see, everything will come back. All the plants and animals. The planet isn't dying!"

  He looked away without saying anything.

  "Don't you care? You're going to live! Doesn't that mean anything to you?" she asked, puzzled by his lack of reaction. "There's real hope for the future now. It's hard to believe, but I'm more scared now than I was before. I was terrified for the children, worried they'd waste away from starvation or die of radiation sickness. That they'd never grow up. Or that I'd die, leaving no one to protect and take care of them. But now…well…" She didn't know how to explain it. "I think I'm more afraid of living. You can only die once. If you're alive and breathing, the misery and suffering goes on and on, day after day after day."

  He didn't speak, just started walking. At twenty paces, he stopped, his back still to her, and waited. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked as he heard her come up behind him. "What do you want from me?"

  "I don't want anything…" she choked up.

  "Then why did you come out here? You've never had anything to say to me before. I figure I'm the last one you'd turn to for anything, so what is it you want Alex?"

  She fidgeted nervously, unable to meet his gaze. Her words came out in an almost-whisper. "You're leaving?"

  "So that's it?" he retorted angrily. "You can rest easy. I'll be out of here first thing tomorrow! You won't need to hide in the house anymore."

  "You don't understand," she said, voice quavering, "I don't want you to go!"

  Wolf smirked. "What the hell do you care what I do? I figured you'd be glad to get rid of me. All this sudden concern. What are you worried about Alex…the meat? That why you duded yourself up like that? You don't want anything to do with me; but the food, the supplies, you'll take! Don't worry. I'm not cutting you off. You'll still get whatever I can spare. Happy now? Got what you came for?" he asked, nastily. "And just so you know, I'm not expecting anything in return. You can keep your fucking gratitude and those legs of yours together."

  Alex flinched, his words wounding her.

  "Look, you can stop all the playacting. I'm not stupid. I know why you came. You hate me, but you need me. That sticks in your craw doesn't it?"

  Her feet shuffled forward, eyes filling with tears.

  She'd only gone a few steps when Wolf grabbed her arm and yanked her around to face him. "Well, answer me dammit!"

  "You're wrong! You're wrong about everything." She winced at his viselike grip. "Please let me go."

  Wolf let go of her arm. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I don't mean to hurt you, but somehow it always ends up that way. Hurting each other! Hating each other!"

  "Do you hate me?" she asked in a small voice, afraid to hear his answer.

  "No, I don't hate you Alex. But I know how you feel about me. That's why it hurts to see you like this, all pretty and clean. I want you in the worst way, but not like this. Just once I wanted you to come to me, not out of fear or because you were forced to, but because you wanted to, of your own free will. I cared for you, but you hated me. I could hear it in yo
ur voice, see it in your eyes. I waited for…" Wolf shook his head. What was the use of rehashing the past? It wasn't going to change anything. "Come on, I better get you home," he said, bringing the conversation to a close, afraid to say anything more.

  They walked in silence through the darkness. As they reached the clearing, the camp only a few scant steps away, Alex finally got up the courage to speak. "I want you to know something," she began slowly, "You're right. There were times I hated you, but there were other times..."

  He didn't say anything, just listened.

  The porch loomed nearer and nearer. She had to get it out, tell him before it was too late. "I tried to deny my feelings. I was afraid. Then I found a butchered body in the woods. I was terrified it was you. I searched the woods that night, trying to find you. I had to see you, know that you were all right. When I couldn't find you, I started to believe it was your body in the woods. That you were dead. That I'd lost you forever. There was an awful emptiness inside me. It felt like a piece of me had died too." Her feet shuffled forward with increasing hesitation. "I'd given up all hope of ever seeing you again and then, suddenly, you were alive and all the things I thought I'd never be able to tell you... Well… That's why I came to you tonight." She climbed the steps, then turned to look at him. "I know that I could make it on my own, but I…" She struggled to find the words. "Will you come in?" she asked, her tone almost pleading.

  Wolf nodded and followed her up the stairs and across the porch.

  Her hands shook as she opened the door and stepped over the threshold. She walked into the yellow glow of the room and held her breath as the door closed behind her.

  "Would you like something to eat?" she asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious and shy

  Wolf didn't answer.

  Alex stood unmoving, head bowed, then slowly slipped the blanket from her shoulders, allowing it to fall to her feet. With the open stove door behind her, the nightgown became transparent, like a gossamer veil clinging to the curves of her body. She walked slowly toward him. "Will you stay with me Ben?"