Amy Cole has lost her mind: The perfect laugh out loud, feel-good comedy (The Amy Cole series Book 1)

by Elizabeth McGivern

  “I thought I was being helpful?”

  “No, Ben. No you are not.”

  “Elle, am I being helpful?”

  “Will the two of you please shut up! I'm trying to find out if my husband is going to have sex with that woman and I can't concentrate with you two bickering like children. And no, Ben, telling me that the father of my children is on a date with a ‘younger version of me’ is not helpful.”

  We both said ‘sorry’ and went back to trying to see over the dashboard and into the restaurant.

  “This is useless, I can’t see a thing,” she huffed.

  “We could go in – Amy and I – he doesn’t know what we look like,” offered Ben. “I really need to pee and we could sit at the table next to them with you on the other end of the phone the whole time.”

  I didn’t hate the idea.

  Keith had only seen me the once, when I was sitting in the car outside his work. I was confident that he wouldn’t recognise me. My willingness to go inside was also driven by the fact Elle wouldn’t be within knife-throwing distance. I looked at her in order to see what she thought of this new plan and she seemed to be mulling it over.

  “Fine,” she said. “But as soon as I hear something I don’t like or you two mess this up, I’m coming in and I’m smacking him across the head with my shoe.”

  I slipped off my seatbelt, which I realised I had pointlessly put back on when I came from getting snacks, and crept out of the car. It had been raining so I crouched down on my honkers, trying to find a graceful way to creep around the back of the car and pretend to be getting out from another vehicle, whilst trying to avoid slipping into a puddle of mud. I shimmied around the car, like a crab, and tried not to laugh at how ridiculous this was. I looked up to see Ben simply step out of the car, like a normal person, and look upon his crab-like wife with curiosity.

  “I’ve been in this relationship this long that I don’t even really find this particularly weird,” he said. “But if you’re planning on impersonating a crab for the rest of our evening can you at least get the pincher hands right, you’re not committing to the character at all.”

  “Shut it and help me up,” I said, as I threw a hand in the air for him to help me off the ground.

  “I feel like I’m getting told to ‘shut up’ quite a lot on a romantic evening out.”

  “I feel like it’s a stretch to call stalking someone else’s husband while he’s on a date a ‘romantic evening out’.”

  “Beggers can’t be choosers,” he shrugged.

  I couldn’t tell if he was genuinely enjoying himself or if he was drunk. Either way, I couldn’t help but smile at the enormous goofball that was my husband.

  I tried to look completely casual as we entered the restaurant, but the place was empty and I knew it was going to look ridiculous to sit at the table next to Keith and his date. I tried to pull at Ben’s top to stop him walking in their direction, but he was out of my reach and headed straight for our target.

  Keith and his lady-friend were understandably concerned-looking as we took our seats at the table right next to them. I offered a type of sympathetic smile to her but then remembered that she was the enemy and my face contorted into a bizarre grimace.

  She probably thinks I’m deranged.

  They returned to looking at their menus while we grabbed ours from the holder in the centre of the table. Ben decided to hold his up, so it blocked Keith's view of the window and gave Elle a wave.

  She shook her head at our less-than-incognito entrance and when I snuck another look at her, she was banging her head on the steering wheel.

  The waitress came over and shot us a strange look, presumably about our seating choice.

  “Hi folks, the specials tonight are the chicken feast, chilli bomb or the BBQ meat platter,” she said without any real enthusiasm.

  “Can we have a couple of minutes to take a look at the menu,” I said.

  “Sure, I’m not exactly run off my feet.”

  “I’m dying for a slash,” said Ben. “Back in a minute”

  “You really are a poet.”

  I tried to sneak a look at Elle’s love rival. I wondered what she knew about Keith’s situation. Perhaps this was their first date and he was going to talk about his crazy ex-wife who forced him from his home and his children.

  That bastard.

  The bored waitress appeared beside them to take their order.

  “I’ll have the meat platter,” said Keith. “Why don’t you get the bacon salad and we can split it?”

  God, he’s one of those plonkers who order for the two of them. What did she see in him?

  “That sounds great,” agreed his date.

  God, she’s one of those plonkers who agree to get food ordered for her. What does he see in her?

  I felt a sharp kick to my shin from Ben, who was attempting to stop me glowering in their direction.

  My knee shot up, banged the table and made everyone jump. The waitress gave us another suspicious look, then went back to the kitchen to put in the order.

  “When did you get back? I didn’t even hear you,” I said.

  Ben made a barrier with our menus and ushered me behind them to have a less-than-subtle confab.

  “You are being so obvious,” he whispered. “If looks could kill they’d already be dead.”

  “Because this is the epitome of subtlety?” I asked as a gestured to our menu fort.

  “Yes, we are shy kissers.”

  I was mid eye-roll when our waitress announced herself with a cough.

  We both bolted upright once we realised we weren’t alone.

  “I’m sorry, we are shy kissers and this is our second date,” said Ben, a little too loudly than necessary.

  He did a fake laugh and looked at Keith but he wasn’t remotely interested in the peculiar behaviour of the people beside him.

  “Sure you are,” she replied. “What can I get you?”

  “I liked the sound of what they’re having,” he said, gesturing towards Keith’s table, “We’ll take that.”

  “No, we won’t actually,” I interrupted. “I think it’s a bit presumptuous to assume I would want whatever you order like a mindless lemming without even asking me – no offence,” I added for the date’s benefit.

  She blushed and then I instantly felt bad for inferring that she was a lemming.

  She’s the enemy, go back to giving her the stink eye.

  I tried to control my shame blush and decided to look back at the menu.

  “So, what do you want then?” asked the irritated waitress.

  “I’ll have the chilli special you spoke about, it sounded delicious.” I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but deep down I knew there was going to be spit in my food.

  My phone started to buzz as a message from Elle came through.

  Elle: What is going on?

  Amy: We just ordered some food. Do you want something?

  Elle: I meant with my husband not what you’re eating.

  Elle: Order me a bacon salad, to-go.

  Elle: Call me and set the phone on the table so I can hear.

  I sat the phone on my lap as it dialled, then placed it at the furthest part of the table – and as close to Keith as I could manage. Ben was clearly giddy at the espionage that was going on at the table.

  I really need to make sure he gets a healthier hobby when this is all over.

  We both remained quiet while trying to overhear the conversation going on beside us. It wasn’t that hard – or interesting.

  She was mostly talking about her new job at an art gallery and how it really inspired her to get back into her own painting; she was even considering teaching a class at the local community centre in her free time. I could just imagine Elle’s face screwed up in anger at hearing the shared interests between her and ‘the other woman’.

  I could hear a tiny voice shout something indistinguishable from the direction of my phone so I looked towards the car. Elle was clearly h
aving an argument with an invisible person, she hit the horn as she gestured wildly to make a point. All four of us looked out the window to find out who was behind the noise and she ducked down as quickly as she could. Keith’s gaze stayed on the vehicle for a bit longer than the rest of us but he must have decided he was imagining things and his attention went back to the woman sitting across from him.

  “I know you said you didn’t want anything too serious too quickly, I just feel like we have a definite connection already,” she gushed. “Do you feel it?”

  She’s eager.

  “Yeah, I absolutely do,” said Keith.

  He absolutely did not.

  “We’ve been talking for so long now, I feel like this is our fifteenth date,” she continued. “I just wanted to tell you I really appreciate you sharing this special place with me. I know it meant so much to you and Eleanor.”

  “Actually, her name was Elle,” he said.

  Was? I don’t like where this is going.

  “Goodness, I'm sorry! It must have been such a tough year raising those girls on your own without your wife. I'm just so glad that you felt well enough to reach out and ‘like’ my picture. The Internet really is a matchmaker.”

  I looked at Ben, his face mirroring my look of shock and disgust at what we were listening to. So far, we had found out that he’d killed Elle off, was dad-of-the-year and was perving over other women’s photos on the Internet. It really wasn’t the stuff of romance novels.

  I couldn’t bring myself to look outside again in case I saw her crying – or worse – see her get out of the car wielding an axe.

  “It’s been tough, but right now, being here with you, I feel like a completely new man. Elle would want me to move on and I’m glad it’s with you.”

  They stared at each other over the tea-light candle and I could feel the verbal diarrhoea forming in my stomach. I couldn’t just sit here and listen to this drivel while my best friend sat outside watching her letch of a husband pretend to be a widower in order to get into this woman’s knickers.

  The speech of hate was on the tip of my tongue when Ben beat me to it.

  “Actually, I don’t think she would like it,” he said. “In fact, I think she would be pretty damn annoyed, wherever she is watching you from right now.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I mean if my wife was dead, I wouldn’t be creeping at younger versions of her on the Internet.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.”

  “I think I do, mate.”

  They were squaring up to each other from their perspective tables and I didn’t know what to do. Do we excuse ourselves or come clean about what we are doing in order to ruin his night?

  “You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know what this poor man has been through and I want you to apologise right now,” demanded his new soulmate.

  “I’d like to apologise on behalf of my companion, he has boundary issues,” I offered. “We don’t know you, or your story and I’m sure you’ve been in mourning for a long time.”

  He seemed to be placated by this and stopped staring at us.

  “What did your wife die of?” asked Ben.

  I put my head in my hands and wanted the ground to swallow me up.

  “What is your problem?” replied Keith. “I’m trying to have a nice evening and you keep butting your nose into our conversation. I don’t even know you.”

  “You’re right. Sorry, buddy. By the way isn’t that your dead wife at the window?”

  We all turned to the glass and found Elle standing very still with her chest heaving in fury.

  His date screamed in shock while Keith went deathly white.

  “Oh my God, is that really her? I’ve heard of this happening – visions of loved ones appearing to give their consent to a new union,” she said, as tears of emotion pooled in her eyes.

  She started to shout towards the direction of the window: “My name is Claire. I will look after your children.”

  She turned to a sick-looking Keith and added: “This is truly remarkable, Keith, say something before she disappears.”

  “Oh for goodness sake, Claire! He’s lying to you, she’s not dead,” I said, exasperated.

  “What?” she seemed utterly confused.

  I beckoned Elle to come in.

  Keith sat where he was and waited to face his very much alive wife.

  “Keith, is this really your wife?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “You are a complete and utter ball-sack. Was anything you told me true?” she demanded.

  “Claire, these two need to talk, why don’t we go outside,” I said.

  It was then the waitress appeared with the food. She wasn’t sure what to do with the tray so Ben asked her to leave it all at a booth across the room. We led Claire towards the new table and joined her at the seat, in order to give Keith and Elle some space to talk.

  “I can't believe this,” she fumed. “I mean you think you've met a nice bloke who liked all your bikini pictures in the space of ten minutes and he turns out to be a complete sleaze ball.”

  Seriously?

  “Yes, I’m sure all this must be a shock,” I said, as I patted her shoulder and tried to catch a glimpse of the scene that was unfolding across the room.

  From what I could tell they hadn’t spoken yet, they were still staring at each other.

  “We’ve been talking for months and he told me this big sob story about how he had been nursing his wife for years before she finally kicked the bucket a year ago. Since then, he’s taken time off work to look after his children. Does he even have children?”

  “Yes, they have twins,” said Ben.

  “Well, at least that’s something. Not a complete sociopath.”

  “Yeah, he just killed off the mother of his children in order to start a relationship with someone else. Definitely seems like a catch,” I replied.

  She shrugged in reluctant agreement.

  “Ben, are you seriously eating while this is going on?” I said.

  “I’m hungry and I want to soak up the whiskey,” he replied, defensively.

  Claire picked up a fork and started to dig into the platter. The bacon ‘salad’ was more a case of melted cheese and bacon on one salad leaf with a ridiculous amount of coleslaw. It looked delicious.

  Elle and Keith began to speak to one another, their demeanours as cold as ever. I don’t know how she remained calm. As usual, she completely surprised me. I could never predict what way she was going to react.

  “I think I’m going to be a vegan,” said Claire, to no one in particular. She seemed to be over the heartbreak and the ghostly apparition. Perhaps Internet dating disasters weren’t uncommon for her.

  She took a heaped forkful of bacon and cheese as she pondered her new life choice.

  I can’t stand this woman.

  “This isn’t even the worst date I’ve been on,” she continued. “One guy brought along his ‘twin’ brother along. Every so often he would go to the toilet and the other one would come back and take his place. They swapped about four times,”

  “Were they twins?” asked Ben.

  “No, I don’t even know if they were actually related. The only similarity was that they both had blonde hair.”

  “Did you not confront either of them?”

  “Nah, I liked the restaurant so I stayed until dessert, then I climbed out the bathroom window.”

  The more she spoke, the more I felt relieved not to be single.

  “I guess I’ll be going. I’ll let Keith pick up the cheque because he’s a lying scumbag.”

  She picked up her coat and bag, offered a limp wave and walked out.

  We sat in our booth picking at the food waiting for Elle to join us.

  “Should we go?” Ben asked.

  “She’s our ride,” I said as I nibbled on a chicken wing. “I can understand why they come here, it’s nice.”

  After we polis
hed off ours – as well as Keith and Claire’s order – we were joined by Elle. She looked defeated.

  We didn’t see Keith leave and we all sat in an uncomfortable silence waiting for her to break the tension.

  “I don’t know why I didn’t rip his face off,” she finally said. “I don’t know what to do. I never thought he could be so callous.”

  We didn’t reply, we just waited for her to continue talking it out.

  “He said they had just been talking and this was their first date. I don’t know if I believe him or not, it’s probably another lie.”

  “It’s ok, it’s bound to be hard to take this all in but just know we are going to be here with you every step of the way. Just because your marriage is over, doesn’t mean you’re on your own,” I said.

  Elle’s face snapped round to mine: “Who said it’s over?”

  “Are you serious?” Ben asked.

  “You don’t have to be scared, Elle. This is tough but you’ve got us,” I added.

  “What would you know about it? How many marriages have you walked away from just because things got a little rocky?”

  “A little rocky? He killed you off so he could screw some random woman he met online!” Ben roared.

  The waitress popped her head out from the kitchen to see what the raised voices were about.

  “He didn’t screw her,” she replied.

  “Yeah, because we gate-crashed the date. If we weren’t here, they’d be heading back for dessert – you know, like in the message you read?” I said.

  Why is she defending him? Was she seriously considering taking him back?

  I took a breath and continued: “I’m sorry, we just assumed…”

  “Yeah, well, no one is as perfect as you two like to make out you are. He made a mistake, he’s been found out, everything that happens now is still in flux.”

  We went back to sitting in silence until the waitress came down with the bill.

  “I’ll sort this,” said Ben, awkwardly. He headed up to the counter to leave me with Elle.

  “I’m sorry, Elle,” I said. “Whatever you decide we will support you, no matter what. What can we do?”

  “You can start with ordering some more bacon salad.”