Killing Honor

by S. M. Butler

  I let out a shuddered breath. I’d dragged her into a world of fear and hatred and she had no idea. Someone out there knew my face. The woman. Or the other men who’d escaped. What if there had been cameras that weren’t destroyed?

  Was that why I was having the dream? Because I was worried about the crazy I’s inflicted on my family. It had felt so much like reality, even in its ridiculousness. And now here I was, afraid to go back to bed, afraid to touch my wife in fear that I might inadvertently kill her.

  God… I was a fucking mess.

  ~*~*~

  Devyn

  Morning came, with the space beside me cold and bare. Brody hadn’t come back last night. I wasn’t sure how to take that. He’d woken up screaming, and then told me nothing was wrong, yet he couldn’t even look at me.

  It wasn’t right. He wasn’t right. I hated this.

  I laid there, unsure if I should move yet. I glanced at the clock. Five thirty. The twins would be up soon, if they weren’t already. Sometimes, they were content to sit in their cribs for an hour or so before they wanted out.

  But today, I didn’t hear anything.

  After a few minutes of silence, I decided to get up. I headed toward the girls’ room, but found it empty and the sound of child laughter drifted up the stairwell. Curious, I padded down the stairs to the living room, but there was no one in there either. The voices I heard were in the kitchen.

  I stuck my head in, wrapping my robe tightly around myself as I came in. The sight there completely blew me away.

  Brody sat at the table, with the girls strapped into their high chairs. Jackie flew a piece of cereal around, giggling to herself while Brody played some takeaway game with Riley to persuade her to eat rather than dump her food everywhere. From the looks of it, he’d only been partially successful.

  I watched them from the doorway for a moment. This was what I’d dreamed of for the last two years. To see my husband spending time with his children, to watch him bond with his girls. I choked up at the sight of them, letting out a strangled sob I didn’t want to let loose.

  Brody looked up at the sound, and the smile on his face fell. “Devyn… I didn’t… Are you okay?”

  I nodded. “Yes. It’s just… I’ve never seen this before. I thought about it a lot. You. Them. Us.” Tears flooded my eyes, and I fought them with everything I could to keep them from falling. “It’s beautiful.”

  He stared at me with such intensity, I wondered if he was mad. And then as quickly as the intensity came, it was gone. “I didn’t sleep much last night, so I was awake when they woke up. I thought… it might be nice to hang out with them.”

  “Da da da da da da!” Jackie yelled. She liked the sound apparently, because she did it some more in various volumes from soft to loud. And he was completely oblivious to any one else in the room.

  “You had a nightmare.”

  Brody didn’t say anything. My guess was that he didn’t want to talk about it. Hell, he could barely look at me this morning. His focus was on the girls, feeding Riley one piece at a time. By the amount of cereal on the floor, I’d guessed that he’d discovered Riley’s favorite pastime.

  “Want to talk about it?” I asked. Maybe a push might help. “The dream.”

  “No.”

  Denied.

  “Oookay,” I replied. I went to the coffee pot and opened the cabinet above it. I got my favorite mug out and filled it with coffee, leaving room for milk and sugar. I stirred the liquid as I came back to the table and sat in the seat across from Brody. “So, what’s the plan for today?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t need to be at the base until Monday.”

  “You don’t have leave?” I tried not to let my disappointment through. I’d been hoping I’d be able to usurp more time with him before I had to give him back to the Navy.

  “No,” he answered. “We’re in the middle of a big mission. We have to keep going until it’s done.”

  “Oh,” I replied. “I see.”

  Now he glanced at me, his intense gaze just warming me. “It’s not another deployment. But it’s important for me to be there.”

  Silence between us reigned as he continued to feed Riley. Jackie continued with her “da da” sounds and mixed them with muted airplane noises.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. I couldn’t tell him no. It wasn’t my place, and likely, it wouldn’t do any good anyhow.

  “I’m gonna go get dressed.” Brody stood up and walked out of the room. I watched him leave, wondering if it was something I did that made him leave, that upset him. He’d barely been able to look at me. I let out a long sigh and moved over to the seat that Brody had vacated to finish feeding the girls. This homecoming wasn’t anything like I’d hoped.

  Devyn

  Occasionally, the girls latched onto a movie and watched it until I had to buys new DVD. It could be annoying but this time I didn’t mind, because it gave me some precious moments to clean up the mess in the kitchen, which I finished just as Brody returned from his shower.

  He wore low hanging sweatpants, little droplets of water sliding down from his face down his neck to his bare chest, following a trail I wanted to follow with my tongue.

  How was it he could be gone for two years and still, he could make me weak-kneed? The guy was downright sinfully gorgeous. He glanced at the living room as he came into the kitchen, and then his attention directed to me. “They’re quiet. And still.”

  “They like that movie. A lot. It keeps them occupied.”

  He grinned fierce and proud. Whatever had been bothering him had apparently been resolved, because he strode over, wrapping his strong arms around me as soon as I was in reach. He buried his head in the crook of my neck, while I slid my arms around his torso and held him close. A long tremble left his body. He was so warm, and encompassing and we stayed like that for a few moments of blissful quiet. I never wanted to let him go.

  When he pulled back, gooseflesh erupted on my skin by the sudden cool air rushing in between us, exacerbated where his hair had dripped water on me, or water had soaked into my clothing.

  I curled the corners of my lips up, attempting to be reassuring. “You okay?”

  He took my hands in his, his thumbs stroking over the back of my hands. He left tingles all along where he touched. He hadn’t answered my question. “What do you want to do today?”

  “Whatever you want,” I told him, watching his fingers as they smoothed over my hands. “You have two days before you have to go back to work.”

  He stiffened, apparently not very excited about the prospect of going back. “Yeah.”

  I couldn’t blame him for not being happy. I wasn’t either. I wanted him home with me, to hide him away from the world for myself. The military had kept him from me for two years. I wanted him forever.

  “Let’s go out.”

  “To where?” I asked.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged, his eyes down on our joined hands. “If we stay here, we’re going to be fielding visitors all day long.”

  I couldn’t dispute that. “True.” As soon as news spread that Brody was back—and it would, knowing Brody’s mom—all our collective family and friends would be dropping by. The Battles family was tight knit, much different than mine. And I loved them for that. But the truth was, I just wasn’t ready to share Brody with them yet. “What about the museums?”

  He made a face. Not a good one.

  “Okay… Beach?”

  “I’m a SEAL, sweetness. I’ve seen enough of beaches.” He shook his head. He pursed his lips in thought. “Somewhere with people. Family. Somewhere happy.”

  “What about the zoo?”

  He paused, thoughtful. “That could work.”

  “Yeah? The girls like the pandas. And the giraffes.”

  He grinned. “I like pandas. And giraffes.”

  “There’s lots of happy at the zoo…” I said, sing-singing.

  “
Agreed.”

  “So… zoo then?”

  “Yeah, I think so.” He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me against him, crushing me against his damp chest. “You’re gorgeous.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Gorgeous? I have bedhead. I’m not wearing makeup, and I’m in my PJs. What’s gorgeous about that?”

  His hands slid over my hips down to my ass, squeezing the flesh in his hands. “I love this ass. And the way it flares from your waist.” His hands followed his words. “And the way your body curves all the way up to your boobs.” His hands cupped my breasts, his thumbs brushing over my nipples. “And I love that you’re not wearing a bra. It’s hot.” The scrape of my T-shirt against my nipples sent sparks through my body.

  “So…” His lips touched my neck and whatever I was going to say vanished from my thoughts.

  He sucked on my lobe. I shivered. “I’ve missed this body. These hips. That ass.” One hand continued to massage my breast as the other slid back down to my ass. He pressed against me, his length hardening in his sweats. “Fuck. You drive me crazy. Taste so sweet.”

  “If we’re going anywhere, I have to go get dressed,” I whispered.

  “I’ll go with you.”

  “Then who will watch our children?” I pushed him back, though I didn’t want to. It was times like these that I wished we hadn’t had kids so young. His homecoming wouldn’t be nearly as complicated if we hadn’t had children to worry about. Plus, having to stay home, alone with the children while others my age went out for drinks on Fridays? I’d missed out on a large part of my early twenties.

  “Good point. Go get dressed before I take that robe off and have my evil way with you.” I giggled.

  I wouldn’t have traded my life. I loved my children. I loved my husband, and I had missed him so much while he’d been gone.

  I flashed Brody a sultry grin and then ran toward the stairs when he lunged after me.

  “Wait!” I stopped at the base of the stairs. He leaned against the doorway to the kitchen. “What should I do with the girls?”

  “They’re watching the movie. I dressed them while you were upstairs. They’re all clean and dry. They should be good for a while.”

  “Perfect.” He walked over to me, for once on level with me, instead of towering over me, and placed a kiss on my lips. “Go get dressed. We’ll be here waiting for you, then.” I turned to go, and yelped when he slapped my ass. I glared at him, but then headed up the stairs to change.

  I heard Riley babbling loudly downstairs as I made my way to the bedroom, followed by Brody’s low voice. I couldn’t make out what he was saying to her, but I liked that he was trying. Actually, that had been my main worry about him coming home.

  As I started my shower upstairs, I hoped that Brody, the joking one, was still down there with the girls when I was done. I didn’t really know how to deal with the new version, the one that barely looked at me this morning. The one that had bailed on sleeping with me last night. That Brody was proving to be more of a challenge than I thought I’d have with my husband home.

  ~*~*~

  Brody

  Devyn’s footsteps receded up the stairs. I turned back. There was a certain amount of relief that Devyn trusted me with the twins. I was a virtual stranger to them. They had no reason to trust me.

  I walked into the living room and froze. Riley was missing. I darted around, the panic rising in my chest. My blood sped through my system. The first thing I did was check the back door, but it was still locked shut.

  “Riley?”

  I went back into the kitchen and found her pushing buttons on the dishwasher. I picked her up and held her close, ignoring the annoyed screech she let out from being interrupted.

  “Jesus, Riley. You scared me.” I carried her back to the living room, but she was still reaching for the dishwasher. I grabbed a toy from the basket that had buttons to push on it. Jackie looked up as we came in, but otherwise ignored us in favor of watching the movie on the television. I sat down on the floor between them, with Riley on my lap, but she was having none of it. She wriggled out of my grasp, but luckily settled on the floor on her own rather than running back to the kitchen like I’d thought she would.

  She took the toy from me, banging her hand on the buttons while simultaneously singing in time. I wondered if I really did have a singer on my hands. When Devyn and I had talked about children years ago, I’d imagined boys. I’d imagined astronauts and engineers and doctors and all the things I was never smart enough to do.

  Not that Jackie and Riley couldn’t do those things, too. I just wasn’t sure how to act with girls. But I should have seen girls coming. It was the frogmen curse. Most SEALs had female children. And for a bunch of overprotective sailors, I wasn’t sure it was a good thing. There was so much more to worry about with girls. Making sure they could protect themselves, making sure some boy didn’t come along and knock her up.

  I’d always wanted to take my children hunting and camping. Would the girls want to do that? Devyn loved camping, especially now. Plans like that kept being pushed back. Work was unpredictable, so I wasn’t sure when we’d be able to go on these trips. Until this Giroux op was done, I was pretty much on call all the time.

  Jackie looked like she was getting annoyed with Riley. She reached over and smacked Riley’s hand from the toy. Riley stared at her hand for a moment. Her eyes met mine and she burst out in a wailing cry.

  “Jackie, what did you do that for?”

  Jackie turned up her nose at me and did it again. Riley’s voice rose in response. What the hell? I grabbed the remote and I turned off the TV, which instantly made Jackie complain.

  “We don’t hit, Jackie.”

  “TV!” She pointed toward the blank screen.

  “No.” I told her sternly. “You don’t hit your sister.”

  “TV!” She yelled. “Mine!”

  I sighed. Riley was continuing her scream, so now I had both of them. I could just hear the distant run of water from Devyn’s shower. I could go up there and cry uncle. Frustration sat in my chest like a heavy weight.

  No. I was not going to be bested by my own children. I was a SEAL, dammit. I fought terrorists, and soldiers all over the world. But when it came to two little toddler girls, I was lost.

  Their screams were loud as I stood from the floor. “Okay…” I breathed out, trying to expel the frustration building. I padded across the room and flopped on the couch, sprawling across the cushions. Then I noticed that the room had gotten quiet, except for a couple of giggles. I lifted my head and peered at the floor. Both girls had eyes on me, half crying half giggling.

  “Did I just…?” I frowned. I wasn’t sure, so I decided to test the theory. I stood up, watching them, and then flopped on the couch again. More giggles, this time more than one.

  Really? This was what entertained toddlers?

  “You like that, do you?” I said, standing up again.

  “Fall!” Riley exclaimed, pointing at the floor.

  I dropped to my knees, facing them. More giggles, and then Jackie crawled over on her knees. She was smiling, which was nice to see when she’d just been screaming about the TV. She placed her little hands on my chest and pushed. I faked how hard she’d pushed, and fell to the side with a dramatic groan. Jackie burst out laughing this time with that cute little girl giggle that only toddlers had.

  “Get up! Again!” Jackie cried out, pulling on my shirt.

  Riley was smiling too, but she gripped the toy she had been playing with and watched as her sister pushed me down over and over. By the time Devyn was dressed, my whole right side was practically numb from me falling on it so many times. But neither girl was crying anymore, and the happy expression on Devyn’s face when she came back down made it all worth the pain of faking falling a hundred times.

  Devyn

  “I got Riley,” I told Brody as I opened the back door of the car.

  I’d taken the girls to the zoo once before, only a few short months ago, f
or their first time because I’d been going stir-crazy in the house alone with them all the time. I’d needed people, even if I didn’t know who they were.

  I figured Brody might need something similar. A chance to be among people, but not really part of them. Where he could people-watch to his heart’s extent, but know that he was invisible to them. Unlike his well-meaning family, who would be so far up his ass at this point, he wouldn’t be able to walk straight.

  “Do we really need all that stuff?” Brody asked, opening the back hatch. “Seems like we packed for a month long trip.”

  “Definitely,” I told him. Obviously, he’d never taken the girls anywhere. You never packed light where kids were concerned.

  What Brody needed most in my opinion was he needed to see the girls happy. He needed time with them, to learn how to act like a father. He’d missed their entire lives, and I wanted him to have everything he’d missed back. At least, what I could give him. He’d missed first words, first smiles, first steps. Those wouldn’t come again, but I could give him other things. I needed his happiness like I needed to breathe.

  We walked through the entrance to the zoo, passing a folk rock band. The band had drawn a crowd, leaving the entrance packed with people. The result was instant on Brody. His face turned green and his eyes darted all over the place. When I’d suggested the zoo, I hadn’t thought about the crowds having a bad effect on him.

  “You all right?” I asked him as I hoisted Riley into my arms. Jackie had clung to Brody since my shower that morning. I wasn’t sure what Brody had done but he’d obviously won Jackie over. And she was loving his height. I was average height, but Brody towered at least a foot over me. She could see the world from her spot in his arms.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Just more people than I’d thought would be here on a weekday.” Brody had one arm underneath Jackie’s butt, and the other holding her under her armpit. She wasn’t complaining, but his entire body was tight, ready to snap at any moment.

  It was busy, even for a Friday. The effect on Brody was staggering. His eyes tracked every possible movement, every sound in the area. A kid screamed nearby, and he jumped and whirled around to find the noise. Jackie giggled, liking the way Daddy moved, but he was definitely on edge. He was on sensory overload.