Killing Honor

by S. M. Butler

  “I don’t want this to be weird with you,” she whispered, looking back up to my face. “I want it to be like it was the other night, where it was natural.”

  “Where you cried in my arms?”

  “That wasn’t your fault.”

  I rubbed my hands down her arms. “Then maybe we shouldn’t force this. Let it happen on its own time?”

  “But what if it doesn’t? What if the other day was an anomaly?”

  “Do you think it was?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “We’re not going to die if we don’t have sex right this second, Dev.”

  “Speak for yourself, Brody,” she shot back. She slid her hands from my thighs, up to my chest. “I need to know that we haven’t changed. That we still love each other, and that we’re still attracted to each other.”

  “Is that what was bothering you today?”

  “Somewhat,” she admitted. “There’s something not right between us. I can’t figure it out. It’s like a wall, blocking us from being as close as we were.”

  Guilt slithered its way into my consciousness. Secrets. It was was the secrets I was keeping. The things I couldn’t tell her, the things I longed to tell her, but I didn’t want her to get hurt. And if I told her, and she did end up getting hurt… I couldn’t bear it.

  I wrapped my arms around her waist, and pulled her close. Part of me needed her near so I could protect her from the world.

  “I think you should kiss me,” I said, grinning at her.

  She narrowed her eyes at me, a playful sparkle in her eyes. “You’re all kinds of bossy tonight, aren’t you?”

  “Nope. Because then I would have said ‘kiss me now’ instead of ‘you should kiss me.’ See what I did there? Ball is in your court.”

  “I see.” She said, standing up. “Come here, then.” She grasped my hands and pulled me to my feet. She stepped close, so close the scent of her body lotion enveloped my senses and wrapped around my brain.

  “Now who’s being bossy?”

  She leaned toward me until she was almost touching me, our noses centimeters from each other. “I am.”

  “Just the way—”

  Her lips were soft and warm when they touched mine, wiping any thoughts I might have had clean out of my head. I tightened my arms around her waist, pulling her flush against my body. Her lips parted slightly. I slid into her delicious interior, caressing her tongue with mine. She was all warmth and so real, softness I’d missed in the harshness of my deployment. Her breasts pillowed against my bare chest, fitting her to me in just the right way.

  Perfect.

  I slid my palms over the round globes of Devyn’s backside, fisting the material of her baby blue robe in my hands. She pressed her lips hard against mine, her tongue plunging into my mouth like I wanted my cock to do between her legs. Slowly, I slid my hands up, taking the robe upward, exposing more of those tanned legs I’d dreamed of having wrapped around me for the last two years. I halfway expected her to push me away, but she didn’t.

  “Brody…” she breathed as I stepped back, long enough for me to tug the belt of the robe apart. I slid the material from her shoulders so it pooled in a pile of fabric on the floor and took a moment to appreciate the body I had dreamt of for so long. Her auburn hair covered the soft satin blue cups over her breasts. A slim waist, one hardly indicative of a mother of twins, flared out into gorgeously curved hips. No, she wasn’t the ninety pound cheerleader she had been before we’d gotten married. Now, she had beautiful smooth lines, accompanied by soft flesh I could really grip.

  The candles set her in a soft orange glow, creating shadows over curves I couldn’t wait to feel against me. I needed to touch her, feel her, see her. I wanted to rip off all her clothes. Her bra. Her panties. Eventually, real life would intercede and I’d have secrets from her again, but for right now, I wanted nothing between us.

  She stepped back from me, her fingers trembling. Her hands twisted around to her back, where a snap of her fingers let go of the restraint around her boobs. The straps loosened, falling down her shoulders and catching at her elbow. She straightened her arms, let the bra fall to the ground.

  The tension in her body curled around her muscles, seizing her. I turned her so she faced the full length mirror in the corner of the room and rested my hands against her arms. “Do you know what I see here?”

  She blushed, but followed my line of sight to the mirror. “What?”

  “My beautiful wife. Her gorgeous body,” I whispered against her ear. I ran the back of my hand along her cheek, then her neck. She shuddered, goosebumps appearing over her naked flesh. I leaned over and kissed the hollow of her neck, trailing kisses to her shoulder.

  I knew she was feeling self-conscious, and I knew a large part of that was my fault. But I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, even if I couldn’t tell her all my secrets. My hands slipped to her waist, gripping that area before her waist flared into her hips. She leaned back against me, my fingertips tightening at her hips. I wanted her. I needed her.

  Devyn

  “Do you know what I see here?” Brody’s voice was low, soothing, slowing my racing heart.

  I glanced in the mirror, already feeling the heat of the flush as he gazed upon my naked body. “What?”

  “My beautiful wife. Her gorgeous body,” he whispered against my ear, velvet vibrations soothing over my skin. “You’re beautiful.” He didn’t have to say these things, and yet he kept doing it. And I still doubted it. His large hand splayed out across my stomach while his other smoothed down across my hip and dipped into my panties.

  I dropped my head against Brody’s shoulder, a small moan slipping from my lips. I was already wet for him. I think I existed in a steady state of arousal for him. All he had to do was touch me, and I’d want him. The awkwardness I’d felt earlier vanished as his full attention focused on me, my arousal amplified by the storm firing in his eyes.

  “Oh, Brody…” That was about all I could muster to say before he turned me around and plundered my mouth. He thrust his tongue into my mouth. I clung to his shoulders, like he was my lifeline as his arms tightened around me. There was something beautiful about this moment, so certain and clear. All I saw or smelled or tasted was Brody. He touched every inch of me, so impossibly deep into my soul there was nothing I could do but let him take me along for the ride.

  He backed me to the bed, never relenting his kiss. I dragged in air as he released me to unbutton his pants and let them fall to the floor.

  “No underwear?” Was that my voice cracking? He’d gone all day without underwear.

  The grin he gave me was pure evil and sex personified. “I threw it all out on my way out of the country. They were gross.”

  “I could have bought you some. I went to the exchange a few days ago.”

  “It would just be an extra layer of clothing between me and you,” he replied with a shrug.

  “Oh, man…” I groaned. My body ached with desire, with want. “That shouldn’t be hot.” Actually, if I thought about it…

  Nah. Not gonna think about it.

  He chuckled and his arms tightened around me. He pulled me to the mattress with him, flipping us so his hard body covered mine. Sheer heat emanated from him, turning my body on fire. Keeping himself up on his elbows, so the bulk of his weight wasn’t on me, he kissed me again. His amber eyes bore into mine as he said, “I missed you.”

  I was speechless at his confession, unable to verbalize even the slightest sound. But he didn’t want a response. He lowered his head to my neck, dropping kisses along my heated skin. His lips touched all around my neck and collarbone until he had left no inch untouched by him. His tongue ran around the curve of my breasts, circling around my nipple before drawing it into his mouth. I gasped, gripping his short hair in my fists. I wanted—needed—him closer.

  Beyond us, the house was silent, only the soft sound of the ocean breeze as it whipped by the window. Leaves rustled beyond us, outs
ide the window that bathed us in moonlight. There was nothing but us around, nothing but the soft sound of our breaths together.

  He rose over me, more like my old Brody than the new one I didn’t know. The muscles in his arms and chest flexed with each movement. For a moment there, only the two of us existed.

  But the drawn-out squeak of the hinges sent ice into my veins. Panic made me dizzy, the thought of the girls getting out of their cribs so artfully quiet sent me scrambling to cover myself. But instead of one of the girls, our striped Siamese/Himalayan cat slinked into the room like she owned it. Both of us exhaled noisily. I was only half covered, and Brody was completely naked.

  I breathed out, my stomach returning to my body from where it had shot up.

  “Toad!”

  The cat glanced up at her name, like we’d intruded on her space. Relief blossomed in my chest, followed by intense mortification. What if it had been one of the girls? What if they’d walked in on their parents having sex?

  Panic had left me bereft of energy, and I’d lost the moment. I stood up and retrieved my lost robe from the floor and cinched it shut. More panic was on its way to enveloping me, fear that I couldn’t control. My body shuddered. I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so upset. We couldn’t be the first parents to almost get caught having sex by their children, but this just felt different.

  “Devyn, don’t pull away…” Brody pleaded.

  I took a breath. “I can’t….” There shouldn’t have been that fear sitting at the bottom of my stomach. I mean, Brody and I were a married couple. It just so happened that we hadn’t seen each other in two years. But we’d known each other so well before now… Unfortunately, it was obvious that neither of us were the same people anymore.

  I lifted the cat in my arms, as if Toad would protect me from my own husband.

  “Devyn, talk to me.” Brody stook, but I turned away from him, because if I looked at him, all I would see would be his magnificent body and I’d want to stay and I couldn’t just stay there for physical reasons. I needed to know that he loved me, and in that moment, I just wasn’t sure.

  “I’m… I think I’m going to sleep downstairs. I just… I can’t do this.”

  “Please don’t go like this, Devyn. Talk to me.” He blocked the doorway and surprisingly, he had on a pair of work out shorts. I didn’t even see him put those on.

  “I can’t.” Water rushed to my eyes as he gripped my arms.

  “We don’t have to do anything. We could just sleep. But I’d love to know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”

  I stared at him, tears sliding down my cheeks. The cat complained in my arms, and wriggled her way free. She jumped to the floor, and like the treacherous being she was, vanished from the room, leaving me alone. Her little footsteps scrambled down the stairs beyond our bedroom.

  “Devyn.”

  “It’s not you, Brody. It’s really not. I’m just… This isn’t working for me.”

  “What? Sex?” He froze, dread filling his expression. His voice was hoarse when he asked, “Or us?”

  I adored Brody. I loved every damn inch of him. But something wasn’t right between us, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.

  I’d only ever been with Brody. I only ever wanted to be with Brody. He was my lifetime sweetheart. My soulmate. So was it the sex that was weird to me? Or was it the difference I saw in my husband from who he used to be?

  “Honestly? I don’t know, Brody.”

  His face fell, and his hands followed suit, releasing me. He stepped back like I’d just slapped him. “I see.”

  “I’m scared, Brody.”

  “Of me?” Instead of the sadness I’d seen in his eyes, his voice came out cold.

  “Not exactly.”

  “Then what exactly, Dev? Because I’m really trying here.”

  “I don’t know!” I sobbed out.

  “Do you think that I like this? Do you think that I like having to keep things from you because of my job? Do you think that I like that I’m constantly worried, that this stupid operation is in my head and it never ends?”

  I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t have the words to reply. I couldn’t tell him anything to make it better. He stepped close, his index finger pointing directly at me.

  “I do my job because that’s how you stay safe, Dev. That’s how I keep the girls safe. Is it the job? Or is it that you don’t love me anymore? Be honest, Devyn. Because I deserve that much.”

  The lump in my throat built to an intolerable level until it was difficult to breathe or speak. But I forced it back down. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Brody. I’m just… I don’t know how to deal with you anymore.”

  An eyebrow quirked upward, an expression of disbelief on his face. “Deal with me? I never wanted you to deal with me, Devyn. I only wanted you to love me, to understand that I have to keep secrets in order to keep my family safe.”

  Boy, I felt like a rat. None of that was how I wanted him to think. But the more I talked, the less happy he was. I glanced away from him. “I’m sorry.”

  He reached for me, but I pulled away, out of reach. “Devyn…”

  “You’re right. I should be more supportive of you.” I stepped around him to the door. My hand on the doorknob, ready to turn. I turned back to him. He met my eyes, and I wished he hadn’t. They were so vulnerable, so full of pain and fire. Pain that my rejection of him had caused. Guilt made my heart ache. “But right now, it hurts too damn much.”

  What was really happening to us? Both of us were holding each other distant, not letting the other close. We both built that wall between us, and now it was growing on its own and getting fortified. We’d never had a problem communicating to each other before, but maybe not spending much of our married life together was eating away at us. And in all honesty, that made me more than a little sad.

  ~*~*~

  Brody

  I stared at the beer bottle in front of me, not really seeing it. I shouldn’t have agreed to come out tonight with the guys, but going home had even less appeal. I hadn’t talked to Devyn at all today, not since our fight last night that ended up with her leaving the bedroom.

  I hadn’t slept at all, missing the warmth that she’d provided and mostly, feeling all the frustration in the world, because I didn’t know how to talk to my own wife.

  “Hey, Eeyore!” Urban grinned as he clapped me on the back, obviously already drunk. “You gonna smile or what? Because you’ve been nursing that beer for an hour.”

  “Fuck off, Dylan,” I said, pushing his hand off.

  “Dude, are you on your period or something?” he asked.

  Hardy grabbed his arm. “Hey, Dylan, let’s go to the bar and get some shots.” Urban readily agreed and started toward the bar. Hardy glanced back as he followed him with an apologetic look on his face.

  It wasn’t Dylan’s fault. I was in a shitty mood.

  “How’s Devyn handling you at home?” Murphy slid into the seat. “I’m assuming the mood has to do with her.”

  “You assume right. She’s pissed at me.”

  “What did you do?”

  “Nothing. I don’t think I did, anyway.” I shook my head. Really, I was just confused about the whole thing. One minute she was happy, and the next she was distant and cold. I couldn’t figure it out. There was no rhyme or reason for it. There was no pattern.

  “It must be rough.”

  “What?” I peered at Murphy, expecting a smart ass retort. Murphy had it easy. He had no family. No one to miss him. No one to get mad at him. At least, I didn’t think he did. He didn’t really talk to anyone but Hardy for the most part. The two had been childhood friends, grown up together, went to BUD/S together. We always joked that Hardy was Murphy’s other half. But the truth was that Murphy was this incredibly private individual. He was our squad leader, and he had that commanding presence that demanded obedience.

  “Coming home, and seeing that life went on without you.”

  I sta
red at Murphy. How did he do that? Murphy was some kind of magic psychic or something.

  “I mean, your kids were two weeks old when you left. And I’m thinking they’re probably walking and talking now and you didn’t see any of it.”

  “Yeah.” Hearing my thoughts voiced hurt, left a sharp pain in my lung.

  “I think that’s the hardest thing I come across in the SEALs. All these guys leave and when they come back, they expect everything to be the same.” Murphy paused, his blue eyes scanning the busy dance floor.

  “I don’t expect—”

  “I’m still talking, Battles,” Murphy snapped. I blinked, because he seemed angry with me. “Still, it’s a pretty selfish point of view, you know. Life doesn’t revolve around us. Life goes on, and people have to cope with our absence.”

  I didn’t have anything to reply to that. And it was probably safer if I didn’t. Murphy had been drinking heavily for the last hour or so too. He handled it better than Urban, but it was obvious he was feeling it pretty well. He had a temper, though it smoldered rather than light up like a Roman candle. But when it blew, it was dangerous.

  “Personally, rather than lamenting that things have changed, I’d think about how I could contribute to the new order. Devyn’s had two years to get her life into place without you. She’s handled twins of all things with all the grace she could. From what Bonham’s wife says, she’s done a damn fine job.”

  “You think I’m an asshole, don’t you.” It wasn’t so much a question as what I thought of myself. Murphy was right. I had been thinking about how things had changed, rather than how I fit into this life. It was a bit like culture shock. Two years overseas fighting arms dealers and terrorists and it was a couple of toddlers that brought me to my knees.

  “Nah, just clueless.” The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, almost like a twitch of a smile. “Smart guys would have gone home to their wives by now so they could talk. Instead, you’re hanging out with Tweedle Dumber and Tweedle Dumbest.”