Deader Still

by Anton Strout

  My retractable bat was still hanging at my side and I wondered if I should use it. I could imagine pulling it free, hitting the button, and watching it telescope out to full size. The metaphor for restoring my masculinity was not lost on me. I stood up. Mina was a little bat-shit crazy, but I doubted she would really kill me. She had come here, after all, to enlist my help.

  “I don’t do that sort of thing anymore, Mina,” I said. I flicked on the lights and looked with pride around the main area of my apartment. Handpicked leather couches, floor-to-ceiling windows, and an entire wall of ownerless books and antiques that I sold for a profit when I had the time to go through them psychometrically. I had an existence I had worked hard at salvaging. “Look around you. I’ve got a real life going on here now. I’ve moved on.”

  Mina pulled a beer from the fridge, twisted off the top, and drank half of it down. She wandered around my gentleman’s club setup in the main room.

  “You seem to be doing well for yourself,” she agreed. I couldn’t ignore the bitter bite in her voice as she said it. She stopped in front of my bookshelves, which also ran from floor to ceiling. They were full of dozens of items I had gathered over the years. “What is all this?”

  “I work with antiques now,” I said, bending the truth a little. “I have an eye for things; that’s all. I’m a collector, either for myself or sometimes I sell to dealers or track down the previous owners and sell them back to them.”

  Mina perused the shelves. She could have picked up any number of classy items. She ran her hand over an ornate stone incense censer, then moved on to an art deco clock I had been holding on to for far too long, before she picked up a plastic replica of the shark from Jaws. It was attached to a game board, the shark’s mouth full of tiny plastic garbage pieces. My powers had told me that the piece once belonged to a CEO at Chase Manhattan, and I had been meaning to make some bank off it. I had been slow to return it to its owner. What can I say? The game was fun.

  “Pay well, does it?” she said. “Playing Sanford and Son?”

  “I make my rent,” I said with a dismissive shrug.

  “This allows you to pay rent?” she said, not believing me. She shook the shark as she spoke and the tiny plastic garbage fell out of its mouth. Its jaws snapped shut.

  “Please put that down,” I requested, not wanting to sound too desperate.

  “Sure, Candy,” she said, all rainbows and sunshine now. I wondered if I had been this bipolar back then as well. “No problem.”

  “Thanks,” I said. Why was it that I had felt less threatened with a knife at my throat than when she was messing with my stuff? Something told me I had to get my priorities straight sometime in the near future.

  Mina turned to face me, the knife once again in her hand.

  “You are going to help me, though, Simon.”

  This time I pulled my bat free, hit the switch on it, and watched it spring out to its full length.

  “That’s where I think we have a problem,” I said. I rested it on my shoulder in a nonthreatening manner. “Look, I’m glad we had time for a lovely, touchy-feely reunion. Glad we had a chance to reminisce about the old days. But I’m so not going to help you.”

  She smiled sweetly at me, shaking her head, her eyes going all Glenn Close.

  “We’re doing this,” she said, the smile slowly fading. There was desperation in her eyes. Mina was in some kind of serious trouble.

  “We are doing this,” she repeated in a slow, deliberate manner, “and you’re going to help me. You think Krueger or Myers can pick a fucking lock to save their lives? I need your talented little hands on it.”

  I didn’t say a word. Little did she know that my hands held a talent greater than picking locks.

  When I didn’t respond, Mina looked more and more pissed. “Wouldn’t it just be the worst luck if Krueger or Myers got wind of where you’re living now? Think of what they’d do to you if they got their psychotic little paws on you. You’d probably live, but I’m sure it would take you quite some time to heal, and you’d probably walk with a permanent limp.”

  She stopped by the sofa and picked up a picture of Jane and me from the D.E.A. ice cream social a few months back.

  “And I shudder to think what they’d do to this cute little number of yours,” she said. “Or perhaps I’ll just hurt the girl. Jane Clayton-Forrester, right? Lives on West Twentieth Street?”

  I felt an intense wave of panic. “What synapse in your brain isn’t firing, Mina?” I said, tightening my grip on my bat. I couldn’t allow any of those sociopaths back into my life, and certainly not near Jane.

  Was I really willing to strike down someone who wasn’t an actual monster or undead? Creatures were one thing, but raising my weapon against another person . . .

  I wasn’t sure what I would do if Mina pressed the issue, but I also doubted I could talk her out of this heist, given the desperation in her voice. She was unpredictable on a good day, and I wanted her to get the hell out of my life as fast as possible.

  “Don’t threaten me or Jane with those goons,” I said. “If I help you—and it’s a mighty big if, Mina—you’ve got to swear I’ll never see you or them again. I don’t know what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into, and maybe it’s better I don’t know, but I mean it. I help you this once and we’re through. And you certainly can’t tell Jane.”

  Before Mina had a chance to answer, the door creaked open behind me.

  “Can’t tell Jane what?” Jane chimed in.

  I didn’t dare turn around. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was only a few minutes before midnight. If I was lucky, the shittiest day of my life was almost over. If I wasn’t, maybe my life would be. Either way, I was just looking forward to an end to it all.

  10

  I just couldn’t turn around to face Jane yet. Instead, I simply stared at Mina, who peered over my shoulder to check out my girlfriend. She slid her knife into her jacket. I didn’t think Jane could see it from her angle. At least, I hoped she couldn’t. Explaining why I had a choke hold on my bat in front of this strange woman in my apartment was going to be tough enough.

  Before I could think what to do, Mina’s face melted from psychotic to a big, cheery smile. Chalk one up for the mood swings of a sociopath, I thought. She brushed past me and offered her hand to Jane. I turned around. Jane had a metric ton of books in a shoulder bag. She lowered it to the floor to take Mina’s hand in hers.

  “You must be Jane,” Mina said, sounding like the mom on Leave It to Beaver as she faked being charming. “I’m Mina. Simon’s told me so much about you.”

  Jane shook her hand and smiled back, but there was still a little of that darkness from back in the bookstore in her eyes.

  “He has?” she said, and looked to me.

  “Yup,” I said, not skipping a beat.

  Jane looked at the bat resting on my shoulder.

  “Is everything alright here?”

  “I was just showing her my bat,” I said lamely, realizing how innuendo laden that must have sounded.

  Jane’s eyes narrowed. “Is that some sort of euphemism?”

  “Boys and their toys,” Mina said with a pleasant laugh. Hadn’t she been threatening my life just five minutes ago?

  Jane rolled her eyes and stepped toward me, but not before looking Mina up and down. There was no denying the fact that Mina was physically hot; most of her ugliness was hidden in that messed-up little brain of hers.

  “I didn’t realize you were going to have company tonight,” Jane said. I knew that tone. “Company” came out like it was a dirty word.

  “I didn’t either,” I said. I lowered my bat, but didn’t let go of it just yet. I wasn’t sure what Mina was up to, and I didn’t want to get caught unaware if she suddenly changed tack in the middle of all this.

  “Simon and I are old friends,” Mina said, circling behind the couch. “We used to work together.”

  “Oh, really?” said Jane, relaxing a little. She gave me a mischievous
grin and sat down on the couch. “He doesn’t really talk all that much about his past with me. I’d be curious to hear all about it.”

  There was an undeniable hot side to Jane when the little bits of her old darkness came out, the same ones that no doubt had made her a valued asset when temping for the cultists, but the idea of Jane chumming it up with this truly evil psycho from my past was a bit overwhelming.

  “Um . . . how about not?” I said, trying not to sound too defensive, and failing completely.

  Mina put on an apologetic face and circled behind Jane on the couch.

  “When I came into town, I had plans with friends, but they bailed on me,” Mina said. She gave me a pointed look. “You know how unreliable friends can be.”

  She started pantomiming strangling Jane and slitting her throat so only I could see. “I know it was very last minute, but I had nowhere else to turn, and Simon was gentleman enough to give me his sofa to crash on for a couple of nights.”

  I could see Jane’s face fall, but I wasn’t about to contradict Mina. I needed to get Jane out of here safely.

  I turned to Jane.

  “Hope you don’t mind,” I said, giving her a weak smile. I didn’t know what else to say. I’m sorry one of the psychos from my past is extorting me into helping her and I’m just trying to keep her from killing you didn’t seem to fit. Plus, I hadn’t told Jane much at all about my criminal past, and now didn’t seem like the time to start.

  “You can stay,” Mina said with a sweet smile. “I don’t want to be an intrusion. Don’t mind me.”

  Jane stood up, gathered up her bag of books, and moved toward the door before turning to face us. She looped the bag over her shoulder, cradling the books protectively close to her chest.

  “No, thanks,” she said, her face showing signs of agitation. “I’ve got a lot of reading to do, and it sounds like you two have some catching up in store.”

  It didn’t surprise me that she wasn’t taking it so well. I put the shoe on the other foot. If I had shown up at her apartment to find a hunky old coworker of hers, I didn’t think I’d be taking it so well either. Still, a relationship like ours was new to me and I found myself at a real loss as to what to do.

  “Nice meeting you,” Mina said with a sweet smile, waving.

  Jane nodded. “Same to you.” She walked over to me and gave me deep, territorial-marking kind of kiss. When she pulled away, her eyes were cold. “Talk to you tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I said, nodding.

  Jane headed out the door, closing it behind her as she went. None of this sat right with me. The monkey wrench that was Mina just added to my problems with Jane. I had to do something.

  “Give me a second,” I said to Mina. “I’ll be right back.”

  I headed for the door.

  Mina cleared her throat and I looked at her. She put a finger to her lips.

  Shhh.

  She lowered her finger away from her mouth and waggled it at me slowly.

  Don’t tell Jane anything, it said.

  As I ran out into the hall, I watched Mina slide herself behind the door and I heard the sound of the knife coming out of her jacket again.

  “Janey, wait,” I called out.

  I caught up with her halfway to the elevator.

  She turned and her face was a blank slate. I couldn’t get a read off her about this whole situation, and if I couldn’t warn her about the dangerous woman I was dealing with, I at least wanted a chance to apologize for Mina being here. The demons of my past were mine to bear, and I couldn’t hold Jane responsible for having a negative reaction to them.

  “I just want to say I’m sorry,” I said, trying to take her hands in mine. She reluctantly let go of the bag of books and gave me her hands. I lowered my voice. “You know, about earlier, at the bookshop . . .”

  I was trying to avoid specifics, just in case Mina could hear us.

  “Okay,” Jane said, and then just stood there. I squeezed her hand, but she didn’t really squeeze back.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she said. She let go of one of my hands and rubbed her eyes. She looked over my shoulder to make sure we were alone, but lowered her voice as well. “Just worn down from doing that . . . rat thing . . . over the phone earlier. Wesker wants me to stop inventorying the Stacks and read more about . . . technomancy.”

  “But you’re not mad?” I asked suspiciously.

  Jane smiled and shook her head, the darkness on her face vanishing in an instant.

  “Just go and make sure your friend is okay,” she said with sincerity. “I know what it’s like to be in this city and not have anyone to turn to. It’s okay.”

  Jane and I still had our issues to iron out after the fight earlier, but this was probably the best answer I was going to get from her under the circumstances. I kissed her on the forehead and watched her until she closed the accordion doors of the elevator and it started down.

  I walked back down the hall and into my apartment, mulling over our exchange as I went.

  When I entered, Mina was in the kitchen going through my cabinets. She had already stripped down to a white wifebeater that left little to the imagination. Even after all these years, Mina was in amazing shape, without an ounce of fat on her upper body.

  I sat down on the other side of the galley counter as Mina continued poking around.

  “So, she’s what passes as interesting to you these days, eh, Simon?”

  “Watch it,” I said.

  Mina grinned at me. “I thought you like them a bit more adventurous and less . . . bookish?”

  I ignored her dig at Jane. I could have told her about Jane’s past temping for the forces of evil, or how she had tried to kill me, or even how we had fought side by side at the Met. I could have told Mina all that, but I didn’t. To bring it up would be to bring up the Department in its entirety and that was a part of my life I didn’t want Mina to have anything to do with.

  “I don’t really know this Jane of yours, Simon,” Mina said, throwing a skillet down on the stove and drizzling olive oil into it, “but don’t you think her reaction to having a gorgeous woman like me here was a little . . . odd?”

  “How so?” I asked, looking up at her as something in my chest tightened up.

  “Well, first of all, you were looking a little guilty when you were not so suavely trying to cover up why I’m really here. Maybe Jane knew you’re hiding something . . . maybe the past you’ve had with me, or maybe she thinks we’re hooking up. But maybe she doesn’t really care. She didn’t seem angry enough. Maybe because she has something of her own to hide.”

  Mina’s words set something off in me. What if she had a point? What if Jane was really the guilty party here? That would explain all the QT with Wesker, and I definitely didn’t put it past Wesker to try it on. My heart raced as I really started to give it serious consideration, until I realized I was taking relationship advice from a seriously screwed-up mind like Mina’s.

  “Jesus,” I said. “Don’t put stuff like that in my head. I’ve got barely enough hamsters in their wheels up there to handle my regular level of paranoia.”

  “Something to eat?” Mina asked. Gone was the threatening bitch from before, replaced by this younger, hipper, but equally mentally unbalanced Rachael Ray.

  I ignored her question and headed off to the back of my apartment toward my bedroom.

  “Clean up after yourself,” I said. “There are blankets and a pillow in the bottom of the closet in the bathroom. Enjoy the guest room and try not to kill me in my sleep.”

  As I left her, I thought about my performance appraisal again. Didn’t die. Felt like I wanted to, though. Part of me would have loved nothing better. But I didn’t. And, lucky me, tomorrow was another day.

  11

  Once Mina left the next morning, I headed up to the Javits Center. After fighting my way across the convention floor through a line of either dark elves or Smurfs—I wasn’t sure what look they were going for—
I made my way back to our D.E.A. booth. Connor was nowhere to be seen, but the Inspectre was already busy arranging the piles of brochures and aptitude tests.

  “Anyone try to kill you yet today, my boy?” the Inspectre asked with cheer in his voice.

  “Not unless you count crosstown traffic,” I said, “but I don’t think I can blame that on cultists.”

  We were interrupted by a short, balding man in a hideous tweed suit approaching our booth. “Good day, gentlemen,” he said with a flourish of his arm and a deep bow. I figured him to be dressed as a character from Doctor Who.