True-Blue Cowboy Christmas

by Nicole Helm

  She hadn’t been, not at first, but Shaw was the one place she would be safe. She’d found that she did belong, that she did deserve the family who actually hadn’t known she existed.

  So Thack needed a similar push, and she couldn’t ignore that. He needed someone, and she was good at that sort of thing. She was good at picking up the threads of people’s lives and weaving them into something workable. It was what she could give people, what she offered in return for them allowing her to belong.

  “You are alone. Kate, your father, the ranch. They’re responsibilities. I know you love them and they love you, but that doesn’t change the fact they take much more than they can give. That will change with Kate as she gets older, but she’ll always be your responsibility as much as your daughter.”

  “Everyone is a responsibility. Having someone in your life is a responsibility. It requires time and care and things I simply cannot give.” He was so matter-of-fact about it and so certain. He’d had years to grow certain of it, years spent carrying around the weight of other people.

  “Don’t you think you deserve someone who can give that to you?” Summer asked, taking a few quiet steps toward his shadow. Let me give you something. The Shaws let her do things. They accepted her presence and her help, but they didn’t allow her to give parts of herself. And more than that, in a lot of ways, she was afraid. Afraid to ask them for more than they could give.

  “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can’t look beyond those three things. I don’t have the time or space for anyone or anything else. I am at the limit of what I can do, and I can’t imagine that getting any easier as Kate gets older. So, when I say that…me not saying the right things is inexperience, I mean it. And when I say I can’t let it happen again, I mean it.”

  He sounded so bleak. Not even resolute anymore, just hopeless, and it hurt her heart. That he’d been through so much and still thought he had room for so little.

  “Of course, Kate is your world. You have no idea how much I admire that about you.”

  She could hear a released whoosh of breath. “Good, then you’re not angry and we can go back to…”

  “Go back to what exactly?”

  “I…” He stepped into the clearing, so the moonlight touched his face. It seemed to find all the lines and grooves life had carved into his skin.

  He was standing here telling her he had no room for her, no space in his life for a person, for a relationship. Not even for a kiss after his daughter had gone to bed.

  But she couldn’t resist crossing to him. She couldn’t resist thinking through the arguments that were piling up in her head. He might not have room, but he needed someone, he deserved someone to take some of that load he was so determined to carry on his shoulders.

  “I’ve been helping, haven’t I?” she asked softly.

  “You’ve been a lifesaver.”

  “I’m good at that. At helping. At swooping in where I’m needed and setting things to right. You don’t need to make any more space for me. I’m already right here.” She placed her palm on his chest. So warm and sturdy. So troubled. She wanted to soothe his pain away.

  He deserved to have someone to step in and help. He deserved comfort where he wanted it, and if that was in her, why would he resist?

  She’d never known a man who would so nobly place his own needs completely behind everyone else’s. She’d never known a man so determined to do the right thing for his daughter, no matter the cost.

  No, she’d never seen that, and she would forever hold him in high regard for that alone.

  “I won’t kiss you again. I won’t be upset that you walked away. But I do want you to know, I am here. For whatever it is you need. You don’t need to make space for me. I’m very tiny.”

  “On the occasions when my brain is particularly cruel, I think about the likelihood that someday my daughter will fall in love with some asshole.” He cleared his throat, and that glimmer of emotion kept her from asking about this odd subject change.

  “I’m forced to think about what I would want for her from that relationship. It would be more than this.” He paused and then took a step back, away from her hand, away from her and into shadow. “You deserve more too.”

  Then she could hear him walking away with his long, steady strides. He didn’t falter because he was so sure he was right. So sure that he was saving her from him.

  She stood in the clearing, in the icy cold evening, listening to his footsteps fade and then disappear.

  “Maybe I don’t want to be saved from you,” she muttered into the lonely dark.

  * * *

  Thack walked back to the house through the eerie dark of the old trees lining the property. He needed to check on Dad and Kate.

  But more, he needed a few more moments alone to come to grips with what Summer was all but offering and force himself to drop the idea completely. He couldn’t consider it. He was cursed.

  Don’t be an idiot.

  He repeated that little mantra over and over as he swept up the shattered glass behind the woodworking shed. He’d seen a new side to Summer tonight, not just the I want my hands all over you side, but the angry side. The defiant temper side that she’d kept so well hidden since their first encounters. He’d begun to believe it didn’t exist.

  Why was that determination so attractive? That fight in her? He had no interest in fighting with people. He had enough of that, and too many people in his way already, disagreeing with everything he tried to do.

  Except, she’d… He’d explained himself and she hadn’t argued. Maybe she hadn’t agreed with him, but she’d put her hand over his chest.

  You don’t need more space for me. I’m already right here.

  He could still feel her palm there on the center of his chest. Right over his heart. His heart didn’t have anything left to give. Couldn’t she see that? Wasn’t that obvious?

  But his heart beat painfully as if it were arguing with him too.

  He finished sweeping up the glass, wrapping it up in a paper bag and throwing it into the trash bin inside the shed.

  He walked toward the house, the warm lights a beacon in the dark. He did love this place. He wouldn’t have stepped up after Mom died if he didn’t love it.

  He loved Kate. He loved his father. But Summer had the right of it, unfortunately. No amount of love ever took away the worry, the weight of responsibility. They were both his everything, along with all the land and animals that surrounded him. They made up his entire life. There was plenty they did give him—love and support—but whether it was his fault or just life, they couldn’t lighten the burdens he carried.

  He forced himself up the stairs and into the house, trying to ignore the fact Summer had clobbered him with that realization. That Summer was the reason he’d even been able to vent his frustrations tonight, because he’d known she was there. She was in the house and taking care of things. She had given him something, something he hadn’t had time to contemplate in a long time.

  Until she’d come along and ruined that outlet. Because now, forever, when he needed a moment to smash something, to find his calm, his sense of duty and determination, he would think of that kiss, the way she’d pressed against him. The way her ass had felt in his hands.

  For those precious moments, he’d forgotten every responsibility, every chore, every burden. She had stepped in and smoothed over what would have been a hundred mistakes and a thousand rough edges.

  But if he kissed her again, if he went so far as to sleep with her, if he tried to have some kind of relationship with her, she would be a responsibility too. A worry. She would be another tick in the have to keep safe and happy column, adding another need that came before his own.

  What would he lose if he gave some piece of himself to Summer? He’d lost too much to believe more wasn’t waiting.

  He trudged up the stairs, stoppe
d at Kate’s room, and nudged the door open. Her princess night-light glowed pink in the corner, and she had a string of pink lights hung up around her window frame, which must have been Summer’s doing. Kate herself was a blob of limbs under her blanket, her riotous blond hair sprawled all over her pillowcase.

  All of his life was sleeping in that bed. Everything in him had to go to her, because his life would mean nothing without her in it. He could lose everything, but as long as Kate was healthy and happy, that was all that could matter. He’d made that promise to Michaela.

  Every time he’d tried to get something for himself, something bad happened. He’d been trying to talk Mom and Dad into letting him do rodeos when Mom had been diagnosed with cancer. He’d been escaping debt collectors when he’d gotten Michaela pregnant, and even that, when it had turned out to be such a joy—a scary joy, but a joy—had ended with his wife gone.

  He wanted it all to be coincidence, and maybe it even was. Maybe coincidence was his bad luck, and maybe he couldn’t control it. But he’d worked his ass off and put everyone first for years, and look at all he had.

  Kate was beautiful and vibrant and smart and happy. Summer had helped keep her safe and from escaping for weeks now, and that was a blessing.

  But that was the only blessing he could allow Summer Shaw to be.

  Chapter 16

  Summer stood in tree pose, her eyes on the trees that separated her caravan and the Lane property. She breathed through the yoga move, trying to keep her thoughts active and proactive.

  Yesterday had been…not great. The day after the kiss, and Thack had been scarce. Mr. Lane had been well enough to pick up Kate from school and had taken her out to dinner in town, so Summer hadn’t seen either of them before it was time to head home.

  She had been alone in the Lane house and had felt as lonely as she’d felt in a long time. She’d cleaned and cooked, left a note reminding Thack he’d promised to put up decorations with Kate that night, and felt as though everyone was avoiding her. Only sheer force of will and practice had kept her tears at bay until she’d lain down for the night.

  Caleb and Delia were busy with chores and arguing over how much Delia was capable of doing while pregnant. Lissa was sleeping better, so Mel had been working on getting Christmas together at her own place.

  No one needed Summer. She should be relieved, even happy to have a day for herself. But she missed Kate’s chattering. She missed sharing the details of Kate’s afternoon with Thack.

  She missed all of the ways they’d begun to feel like family, even knowing she should never have let that happen. The Shaws had to put up with her. One way or another, she was a piece of them. She was nothing to the Lanes. Not really. She was only an employee, and it was probably a stretch to even call her a friend.

  No, that wasn’t fair. Kate considered her a friend. Kate looked up to her, and in turn, Summer was amazed by the little girl who’d made this all happen.

  She would not be melancholy and self-pitying today. She had come this far. She had gotten the things she’d wanted when she’d gone after them. She would not stop now.

  Determined, she leaned back, arms behind her head, palms up, and almost toppled off her platform when she heard footsteps and Kate’s panicked voice calling her name.

  She righted herself just in time, then hopped off the platform. She made it maybe two hurried steps before Kate was launching herself at Summer, wrapping her arms around her waist with surprising force.

  Summer wrapped her arms around Kate in return and squeezed tight, giving Kate the warm place to land she seemed to need even as panic clawed through her. “What’s wrong? Is it an emergency? What’s happened?”

  “I don’t want to go to school. Please don’t make me go to school.”

  School? Well, not quite an emergency, but certainly odd. Thack was the one who handled Kate’s morning routine, and it was only seven, so school was an hour or so away. But Summer had thought Kate enjoyed school. She was always eagerly chatting about her day in the afternoons.

  But she was sobbing into Summer’s stomach now, holding tight and shaking.

  Summer took a deep breath and tried to think through the way her heart was breaking for the girl. Not wanting to go to school might be a normal kid thing, but Kate being this upset was not.

  “Take a breath, sweetheart. Deep one in. Deep one out.”

  Kate seemed to try, but it ended on a sob so Summer picked her up. “Let’s try this.” She plopped Kate onto the yoga platform, then climbed up herself. Thack would kill her if he found out she hadn’t immediately returned Kate, but…it was easier to determine what was wrong when people were calm.

  “Reach your hands up to the sky.”

  Kate was shaking and crying, but she nodded and mirrored Summer’s movement, finally taking a deep breath as Summer did. They went through a few easy poses until Kate seemed to get a handle on her tears.

  She needed to get Kate warm and inside, but this outburst was so unusual. Summer knelt next to her, still on the platform, hoping to provide Kate with an anchor. “Now, why don’t you want to go to school?”

  Kate’s face crumpled, and Summer felt like an idiot for thinking yoga would help. Kate was never like this. Summer wrapped her in a hug and rubbed her back. She had to get Kate home, but it seemed more important to find a way to make her okay.

  “Whatever it is, honey, you can tell me. I’m here for you no matter what. I think you’ll feel so much better if you could tell me what’s wrong, and I will do whatever I can to help. I promise. I promise.” She ran a hand over Kate’s flyaway hair and took a seat on the platform. She brought Kate onto her lap, hoping to keep her warm.

  After a few moments of sniffling silence, Kate took a deep breath. “Can you tell Daddy not to make me go to school?”

  “You’re going to have to tell me why first, Kate. I have to know why.”

  Again, Kate was quiet. She brought the edge of her coat into her mouth and chewed on the fabric for a few seconds in some kind of self-soothing or nervous habit.

  She snuggled closer, the coat dropping from her mouth. When her voice came out, it was soft and raspy. “I-I told on a boy who was being mean to my friend. He said he was going to kill her dog because she cut in front of him.” She began to sit straighter. “He’s a fifth grader and Greta was afraid, but I said that wasn’t right, so I told Mrs. Kinny and he got sent to the principal’s office.” Kate was so proud of herself, but then she slumped again.

  “He got in a lot of trouble. He spent the afternoon in in-school suspension, and then he was walking out when the car riders were walking out, and he said…he said my mom…”

  “Whatever he said about your mom, I’m sure it isn’t true. Sometimes mean people say mean things because they think it makes them feel better.”

  Kate snuggled in deeper, her voice coming out muffled and soft. “He said I killed my mom.”

  The words hit Summer with the force of a physical blow. That anyone would say such a horrible thing to this little girl. That a boy she had to go to school with could even think up such a hurtful thing to say.

  “I know it’s true,” Kate whispered.

  “No.” Summer took her by the shoulders and pulled Kate back so she could look her in the eye. “It is not true. He is a bully. A terrible, terrible, awful person, and you did not deserve those hateful words.”

  “But it’s true,” Kate insisted, her voice wavering. Summer brought the girl back to her shoulder simply because she couldn’t hold her own tears in any longer. “It’s why Grandma won’t visit.”

  “This is all wrong. We need to get you home—” She was missing pieces of this puzzle, and she had to get Kate back to Thack and warmth.

  Kate wrenched away, hopping off the platform. “No! Daddy will make me go to school, and I can’t tell him. He’ll be so sad. You can’t tell him. I came to you because you have to hel
p.”

  Summer followed, reaching out for her, but Kate backed away.

  “Promise me you won’t make me go back. Please.”

  “Your father will be worried about you.”

  “I don’t—”

  “Katherine.”

  It was like traveling back in time, all those times Thack had burst through the tree line in search of his escapee daughter, but Summer could find no comfort in that, nothing to smile about. She felt as though she’d been stabbed, and nothing would ever make it all right. “What the heck is going on?” Thack demanded. He must have started running the second he’d found Kate missing, because his chest was heaving.

  Summer wished she could find humor in learning that even in a situation like this, he would say heck instead of hell, but she wanted to scream out every curse she knew approximately thirty-five times. And enact all sorts of violence on anyone who would make Kate think and feel such awful things.

  Thack didn’t even know what had happened, and he was visibly angry. Summer knew she’d take the brunt of that anger, simply because he couldn’t lay it on his daughter. She couldn’t even blame him for that. She welcomed taking that anger, if it would help.

  “I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to go to school!” Kate was crying again, stomping her feet and trying to run off, but Thack scooped her into his arms in one fluid, easy movement.

  “Kate. What’s wrong? You love going to school.”

  She wiggled in Thack’s grasp, but he didn’t release her. Summer had to turn away to try to find her composure, her breath. Find a way to hide the tears that were rolling down her cheeks.

  “Please, Daddy. Please. Please.”

  “What happened, Summer?” Thack demanded, his voice gravelly and brooking no argument.

  Summer didn’t turn to face him, instead trying to surreptitiously wipe the tears from her face. “Someone said something awful to her at school yesterday, and she’s very upset.”