Thank you, he realized Tyler was whispering over and over. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
~*~
Clint awoke to the aroma of brewing coffee. He glanced at the bed beside him but it was empty. He stretched lazily and put his hands behind his head. Though he loved being with Ty, he realized he missed the ranch already. He was in no hurry to return, however, having cleared the week with Joe, who owed him about a year of untaken vacation time.
The aching weight of despair Clint had allowed to settle over him the week before had lifted, and in a way that suffering had made this reunion all the sweeter. It had brought into sharp relief how much this mattered. He had nearly let hurt feelings and wounded pride cost him a second chance. If Jonas hadn‘t kicked some sense into him, he might still be sitting beside that stream, surrounded by pointed sticks like a fence that kept out everything good.
He looked around the bedroom, with its sparse furniture and empty walls. He tried to imagine what it would be like living here all the time. Austin was close enough to real country that within an hour‘s drive he could lose himself in the rolling hills that surrounded it, but there was no getting around the fact that Austin was the city, and it had enough concrete and glass to last him a lifetime. Sure, there were parks and greenery, but none of the wide open spaces that Clint needed to feel free and easy.
And yet, Tyler was here. Tyler had chosen to make his life here, and Clint loved Tyler. With the whipping, they‘d crossed a new line. Clint had felt the shame sloughing from Tyler like an old skin, no longer needed. He felt the fierce, passionate joy in Tyler‘s grateful thanks afterwards, and understood he wasn‘t only thanking him for the whipping, but for helping him to break free of a shame he‘d carried like shackles probably most of his life.
Clint was grateful too—grateful for the trust Tyler had placed in him by sharing his deepest secrets and opening himself to the possibility of rejection. Clint had tumbled deeper into this new thing called love, and while it was still kind of scary, it was also powerful and sweet, like a strong, fine whiskey. All his life he‘d dreamed of a love like this, though truth to tell, he‘d come to believe it only existed in song lyrics and love poems. At least for him, love seemed to have passed him by. Until now.
His musings were interrupted by Tyler, who entered the bedroom carrying two mugs of coffee.
‘Bout time you woke up, sleepyhead. Tyler was wearing only a pair of boxers, his blond hair tousled and falling into his eyes. Clint drank in the sight of him, wondering if he‘d ever get tired of Tyler‘s look of adoration and his boyish, eager longing. He knew he would not.
Tyler settled on the edge of the bed and handed Clint a mug. Clint sat up against the headboard and sipped.
Tyler‘s cell phone rang and he rummaged on the floor until he found his jeans from last night and pulled it out, glancing at the screen. It‘s my sister. I‘ll just be a sec.
Hey, what‘s up? Tyler said into the phone as he settled on the bed beside Clint. Clint felt his body go rigid as he listened. Oh, no! Is he okay? How‘d it happen? There was a lengthy pause and then, You know I can‘t do that, Sarah. I got this job and all… Another pause and then, Yeah, I understand you got a ranch to run. I know…Okay. Okay, I‘ll figure something out. Let me call you back this afternoon, okay? I‘m barely awake.
There was another long pause, during which Tyler looked toward Clint, shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of apology before turning away again. Okay, okay, he finally said. Look, I‘ll call you back this afternoon, I promise. Just give me a little time here.
He shut the phone and stood staring at the counter, seemingly lost in thought.
What happened? What‘s going on? Clint asked.
Tyler looked up. My dad. He fell off a horse this morning and broke his leg. That was Sarah, calling from the hospital. They‘re going to bring him home, but he‘s gonna be laid up a while. They expect me to just drop everything and come help run the place.
Clint nodded. Makes sense. You‘re family. You know the business. But then, you‘ve got this new career now.
Tyler frowned. Yeah. I got this job. But it‘s more than that. She doesn‘t understand. I can‘t go back. I never told her… Tyler stopped himself mid-sentence. He reached for his mug and Clint had the feeling he was hiding behind it.
Clint sipped his coffee and then ventured, Maybe you can just go back a week or two, till they can hire someone?
Tyler stiffened and sat upright. I can‘t go back. He stated the words flatly, as if there were no other possible option.
Why not, Ty? Don‘t you think they‘d give you a leave of absence for a family emergency?
Tyler looked blank for a moment. Then he said, Oh, you mean the magazine? Nah, it‘s not that. To tell you the truth, I‘m not even sure that‘s what I want to do. I miss the horses something awful. Being in the country last week really brought that home to me. I miss the ranch. I miss riding. I miss the night sounds that don‘t include honking horns. I miss my family.
Then what is it keepin‘ you away? They want you back. You want to go back. Seems pretty simple to me.
Tyler shook his head miserably. Nothing‘s simple anymore. Not since I fucked everything up.
Suddenly Clint understood. It‘s that guy Wayne, ain‘t it? The jerk who abused your trust? He was back at your ranch, wasn‘t he? Still there, I take it? You gonna let him win by stayin‘ away?
It‘s not that simple, Tyler replied.
Okay. So tell me. What‘s so complicated?
Tyler sighed. It wasn‘t like with you, Clint. God, I‘m ashamed to admit this to you, to anyone, but I guess you deserve to know it. He turned an anguished expression toward Clint. I let him treat me like a piece of shit. I let him call me a faggot and laugh in my face when I protested. I got off on the rough sex we had, and the dirty things he said when he was whipping my ass or had me trussed up like a calf, his dick down my throat and a sneer on his face. I knew it was sick and shameful, but I—I needed… His voice trailed to a whisper, … I needed the pain.
Clint reached for Tyler, drawing him into his arms. Tyler hid his face on Clint‘s shoulder and Clint stroked his hair. You need the pain but only when it‘s given with love and received with courage. He exploited that need, Tyler. He was a bully who took advantage of you, pure and simple. He‘s the one who should be ashamed, not you.
It‘s worse than that, Tyler murmured. He started demanding things. He wanted me to get my father to promote him to foreman. He threatened me that if I didn‘t do what he wanted, he‘d tell my family what we were doing. He would have been out of a job, but I would have lost everything.
Tyler pulled away from Clint and dropped his head into his hands. Ty, listen to me, Clint entreated. Wayne twisted what should be sacred between two people. He corrupted the gift you offered him. Then he tried to blackmail you into doin‘ what he wanted. I can understand why you felt you had no way out. But maybe there‘s a way back in, if you‘re ready to go home again.
His face still hidden, Tyler shook his head. I can‘t. I just can‘t.
Clint thought about this. He understood he couldn‘t force Tyler to do the right thing, or anything at all. It was up to Tyler to make that kind of decision on his own. Clint understood too he didn‘t know all the details of the situation or what Tyler was really facing.
All Clint knew for sure was that he wanted this man in his life, on whatever terms Tyler was ready or willing to give him. Clint closed his eyes, aware he had just made a decision. For the first time in his life, he was going to do something for someone else— something big—because it mattered that much. Love made it all worthwhile.
Ty, I got something to say. He waited until Tyler looked up, and then he waited a beat longer. I love you. I understand that now, better than I‘ve ever understood a blessed thing in this life. I know you ain‘t perfect. Me either, trust me. We‘re feelin‘ our way together in this thing, but that‘s the key—together. We‘re forgin‘ trust and understandin‘, so I hope you can hear
this in the way it‘s intended.
He reached for Tyler, putting his arm around his shoulder. Ty, it seems to me you‘ve spent your life runnin‘. Runnin‘ from your own feelin‘s, runnin‘ from a man who did you wrong, runnin‘ from your family instead lettin‘ them in, trustin‘ them enough to understand who you really are. Even runnin‘ from me.
Tyler opened his mouth but Clint held up his hand. Just hear me out. I‘ve spent a fair portion of my life runnin‘ too. Runnin‘ from feelings that might get me hurt. Now I‘m fixin‘ to turn forty and damn it, I‘m done runnin‘. I found what I‘m lookin‘ for, and that‘s you, Ty. I came here to win you back, and I‘m tellin‘ you now, I ain‘t leavin‘ you, not unless you tell me to go. If you‘re not ready to head back home, that‘s a decision only you can make. But I‘ve come to a decision of my own. I‘m ready to leave the ranch, Tyler. I‘m ready to uproot myself and move to Austin, if it means I can be with you.
He watched the stunned surprise move over Tyler‘s face. Clint pushed on. I figured out something this past week, sittin‘ by the creek and thinkin‘ bout my life, and bout things like what really matters in this world. The way I see it, there‘s two things that matter—love and family. I got no family left, Ty. But I got love. For the first time in my life, I found a man I can love. I ain‘t gonna let that pass me by. Not this time.
Clint‘s voice caught and he swallowed, caught by surprise by the sudden tears pressing just behind his eyes. He let out a breath and then shut his mouth. He‘d said what he had to say.
~*~
Tyler saw Clint‘s dark eyes flood with the tears and he turned sharply away, wrapping his arms around his chest as he tried to compose himself and his thoughts. Were his ears playing tricks, or did Clint Darrow, a diehard born-and-bred cowboy just say he‘d uproot himself and move to the city? Could Clint really leave the wide open country he loved just to be with him?
This declaration penetrated Tyler‘s mind and heart in a more powerful way than any pretty words or even the most intense lovemaking ever could. He loves me, he thought, and it was the first time in his life he really knew such a thing for sure.
But when he turned around, Clint was nowhere to be seen. The bedroom door was shut and Tyler had the sudden horrible realization that Clint had misunderstood his action—thinking Tyler was turning his back as a rejection.
He leaped toward the door and wrenched it open. He couldn‘t let Clint get away! He had to set things to right. Frantically he scanned the living room, but it was empty.
Clint! he cried, racing toward the front door. It was then he noticed the sliding patio door was open. He hurried toward it and stepped out onto the concrete pad. Clint was there, leaning against the flimsy iron railing, his back toward Tyler as he faced the parking lot.
Tyler moved beside him, longing to pull Clint into his arms, but sensing a certain reserve that held him back. So instead he moved to stand beside him, leaning his arms on the railing beside Clint, their shoulders touching.
They stood silently side by side for a minute or so. Then Tyler reached out, putting his hand on Clint‘s arm. Clint looked slowly toward him, his expression difficult to read.
I was scared you‘d left, Clint. I don‘t want you to go. Not ever. I guess I was just so floored when you said you‘d give up ranch life, just to be with me. I—I didn‘t know how to respond.
Clint put his hand over Tyler‘s and shook his head, a small smile on his lips. Not just, Ty. If I‘ve finally learned something from all this, it‘s that love is what matters. It‘s what makes life worth living.
Tyler let the wonder he was feeling seep into his voice as he finally put it into words. So then, you must…really love me.
Clint laughed and punched Tyler in the shoulder. You‘re figurin‘ that out, huh? Takin‘ you a while, boy.
Tyler grinned sheepishly and ducked his head, but then the smile slid away from his face. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I got something to say, Clint. It hit me in the gut when I thought for a minute you‘d gone. I realized I don‘t even want to be here. Austin isn‘t my home. I‘ve just been hiding out here. Running, just like you said. I miss the ranch. I miss the horses and my family. I can‘t even imagine you here in this big city. You would be liked a penned calf here, Clint. You‘d go stir crazy in a week.
I‘d be fine, Clint asserted.
Tyler shook his head. I doubt it. But the fact that you‘d do it. That you‘re willing to make that kind of sacrifice for me… Again he shook his head in wonder. This whole journalism thing—it was just a cover, something to hide behind. I guess I thought if I ran far enough, I could run from my own feelings.
He hit the railing with his fist. I know what I need to do, Clint. I guess I‘ve known all along but I just wasn‘t ready to face it. I have to go back. I have to do the right thing by my family. But more importantly, I have to do the right thing for myself.
Clint was watching him, waiting. Tyler took a breath and then he said it: I have to face Wayne Hurley. I have to let him know what he did wasn‘t okay.
Clint nodded. Let‘s go inside, he said, and they moved together back into the apartment. Clint took Tyler into his arms and it felt so good just to be there. I‘m proud of you, Ty, Clint said. It takes a real man to face up to his own fears.
They held each other for a long time, as the words Tyler longed to say moved slowly through him. And then, for the first time in his life he found the courage to say words he realized he meant with all his heart.
I love you.
I love you, too, Clint replied.
Chapter 13
Tyler pulled out his cell phone when they were about a mile from the Double S Ranch. Hey, Sarah. We should be there in a few minutes.
We?
Tyler had called her back once he‘d made the decision to return to the ranch. He‘d only packed enough to stay a week or so, but in his heart he knew he was coming home. He‘d called his editor to let her know he had a family emergency and needed to take a leave of absence.
Clint had offered to drive him home in his truck and Tyler had readily agreed. They could get his car later, when he figured things out.
Yeah. My friend, Clint Darrow, is with me. I guess I should have mentioned that when we spoke yesterday.
No, that‘s fine. Any friend of yours is welcome, Tyler. Mama and Dad are thrilled you‘re coming home. Well, she paused, Mama is, anyway. Dad‘ll come around though, you‘ll see, now that the prodigal son is finally returning.
Tyler groaned. Sarah was three years Tyler‘s senior. Their father had kept it no secret that his firstborn was supposed to have been a son, though over the years he could never fault Sarah for her dedication to the ranch and pure love of the horses.
When Tyler was born however, after his mother had sustained two miscarriages, his father‘s jubilation had become part of the family lore. He finally had a son! The second S in the Double S Ranch, he‘d told Tyler more times than he could count, stood for son—Sutton and Son.
But Sarah‘s the one who wants to run the place, Tyler had protested when he was small. Sarah should be the second S! This too had become part of the family lore, though not surprisingly, Sarah was less than amused by it all, angrily insisting that girls could do as much as boys, and do it better.
In time her father had had no choice but to agree, as Sarah dedicated her life to the horses, and even ended up marrying their foreman, Bert Carlson. But still Tom Sutton held firm to the idea that Tyler would be the one to ultimately take over the place, once he was gone. This had rankled Sarah to no end, and at the same time, put unwelcome pressure on Tyler. For though he also loved the horses and the ranching way of life, he resented his father‘s foregone assumption that he had no choice in the matter.
As they pulled up the long drive that led to the main house, Sarah came running out the front door of the house. She was still in her leather vest and chaps, her long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, and Tyler knew she had just come from riding. Sarah loved th
ose horses more than she loved Bert, or so it seemed to Tyler.
Clint and Tyler climbed down from the truck and introductions were made. Let‘s go on back to your place and put your stuff down, Sarah suggested, as Clint and Tyler hoisted their duffel bags over their shoulders. I got your cabin all aired out this morning. We‘ve kept it empty all this time, though a couple of the hands wanted to take it over. I just knewyou‘d be back.
Over initial protests by Tyler‘s mother, at the age of twenty-six, while not moving off the property altogether, Tyler had insisted on having his own space, and had taken over the cabin once occupied by the foreman, but abandoned once Bert Carlson had married the boss‘s daughter and moved into the big house.
Sarah smiled warmly at Tyler and he realized just how much he‘d missed her. They walked along the path behind the house in the direction of the bunkhouse and Tyler‘s cabin. Dad‘s napping and Mama‘s washing up from lunch, so we got time, she informed him.
Good, Tyler replied. Because I got something to tell you before we go up to the house. Something I should have told you a long time ago.
Sarah, who had moved a little ahead of them on the path, looked back, her arched eyebrows raised. Sounds important. Is this where I find out I was adopted and am really the daughter of the Enchanted Horse Queen?
Tyler laughed and turned to Clint. When I was a little kid, I had nightmares sometimes, and I would go to Sarah‘s room and climb into her bed. She would make up these great stories that usually featured the Enchanted Horse Queen, this magical creature who was human by day, but horse by night, with a coat of real silver and hooves with diamond shoes.
Sounds right poetic, Clint remarked with a smile.
Clint‘s a cowboy poet, Tyler told Sarah. I met him when I was covering a cowboy poetry festival for the magazine. They talked about that for a few minutes as they entered the cabin and put their things down. It was a one-room affair not unlike Clint‘s place, though Tyler‘s included a loft above that served as his bedroom. Tyler glanced upward, imagining Clint sleeping in his bed and it reminded him of his resolve.
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