That was when I’d let myself think about Elisa and the fact that after two years she was not only everywhere in the physical sense, but she’d pretty much been on my mind nonstop since I’d seen her the week before. Seeing her again at the club just made things worse.
I could get over her ignoring me at the meeting, but a repeat experience of her blatant disregard for my presence a second time didn’t sit well with me. In fact, it downright pissed me off. I didn’t know if she hadn’t looked at me because she didn’t care that I was there or if there was another reason. That was what had me up at five in the morning, sipping whiskey in the hopes that I’d eventually get some answers – or at least pass out.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t known I was there. She’d fucking looked right at me from across the room earlier in the night. She knew. She just chose to flat-out ignore me when she came over to talk to Sydney and say hi to everyone else. Why?
And why did I care? I had a ridiculously hot girl in my bed, who I liked because she was cool and fun, but she was also experimental as hell. She knew exactly how to torture and tease me to get me off in ways I’d never imagined. I fucking loved being with Blair – or at least I had until Elisa had reappeared.
Why was she fucking with my head? Did she even realize she was doing it? Was it intentional? Was this her way of getting back at me for hurting her two years ago? Was it because I’d hurt her that she didn’t want anything to do with me now? Or was it something else? Was it possible that she still had feelings for me after all this time, even after I’d hurt her? What would I do if that was the case?
Holy shit. I was fairly sure I was going insane.
I swallowed another drink of whiskey, welcoming the burn in my throat as the liquid warmed my insides before settling in my belly. I closed my eyes and leaned back, tilting my face toward the nearly black sky as I remembered things I hadn’t thought of in years. Suddenly, Elisa was there, coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around my neck, her lips descending on my throat as she sucked lightly, teasing me. I reached around and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her onto my lap where I kissed her until neither of us could see straight.
My breathing was ragged as my eyes snapped open and I regained my bearings. I was alone. I blinked a few times and swallowed, trying to find my center once more, but it didn’t come easily.
I was drunk. There was no other way to explain why I was fantasizing about my ex-girlfriend and why I was remembering a night so long ago that the edges of the memory were fuzzy. But the center of it was crystal clear, and the reminder of how it felt to have Elisa’s legs wrapped around me, on the very chair I was sitting on, was enough to draw my attention to the erection pressing painfully against my jeans.
I was a fucking mess. And this was nuts. She was just a girl I’d liked once upon a time. Maybe it was because I hadn’t seen her in so long, or maybe it was because somehow she was even hotter than she was when we’d dated, but it was like every part of me was suddenly craving her touch.
I knew I could walk into my bedroom, wake Blair up, and find the relief my body needed, but it would be wrong on so many levels. So I stayed put, finished my whiskey, and I forced Elisa from my mind just as the sun was coming up. It was peaking over the horizon as my eyes closed, and I finally found the sweet oblivion I’d wanted for hours.
I didn’t wake again until the afternoon, glad for the cloudy sky when I finally registered where I was. I’d slept for almost seven hours, slumped over in a chair not really meant for sleeping. My back felt like a pretzel, and my head was foggy and pounding as I stumbled into the house.
Blair was gone. She’d left me a note with a smiley face, probably having found the fact that I’d passed out outside adorable. She was weird like that. If only she knew why I’d done it, she probably would have changed her mind about that smiley face. Blair didn’t share well. That was one of the reasons I hadn’t committed to her.
Aside from being a commitment adverse individual by nature, I didn’t want to be controlled. I knew if Blair Thomas got her hooks in me, I wouldn’t be able to so much as glance at another girl without feeling her wrath. She was vicious. I’d seen it. So we could share a bed and share our time, but I’d never call her my girlfriend.
I crumpled up the note as I leaned back against the counter, contemplating how much more sleep I could grab before I had to be at the Staples Center. I’d be lucky to get two more hours, but I was going to savor those two hours. That was my last thought before I slogged up to my bedroom and passed out, only pausing to set my phone alarm to give me enough time to shower before the car arrived to drive me to the arena, where we had a series of interviews followed by a meet and greet and eventually a concert. It was going to be a long ass day.
Several hours later, after the interviews were completed and we were all back in our dressing rooms where our hair and make-up team was putting the finishing touches on our more casual style for the meet and greet, I was sucking down my third black coffee and still feeling like shit.
A knock on my dressing room door had my head turning to see who wanted to come in. I figured it was Phillip, since he usually came over to hang out after he was done ‘getting pretty’. He hated when I used that term, since it was a complete knock on his pretty boy good looks. In turn, he always teased me that it took him half the time to get stage-ready than it took me because he was naturally dashing. That usually made me punch him in the arm, which made him tug on my hair, which made Cate, our stylist, swat his hand away and tell him to sit his ass on the couch.
I liked Cate. She was feisty and fun, and she didn’t pull punches. She’d never treated any of us like celebrities, and she acted like we were all her little brothers, which was cool. I hated when people put on airs. I hadn’t grown up in a hierarchical family, so having people wait on me was always weird. I much preferred to think of the Westside team as one big extended family. It was easier that way.
This time though, it wasn’t Phillip at the door. It was Elisa, and the second I saw her holding a huge vase of flowers, my heart leapt into my throat.
“Are those for me?” I asked, making Cate chuckle when my voice cracked on the last syllable.
I cleared my throat and glared at her smirking face in the mirror. I’d deal with her later.
“They are,” Elisa said, delivering the first words she’d said directly to me in two years.
“You shouldn’t have,” I said, sort of teasingly but sort of seriously, because for a split second – before she scowled at me – I legitimately thought the flowers were from her and that they were a peace offering.
“These aren’t from me,” she said crisply as she set the flowers down on a nearby table with a clunk. “I’m just dropping them off.”
“I thought you were in charge of promotions. Is flower delivery girl also in your job description?” I teased, hoping I could wipe the subtle glare off of her face.
She didn’t answer me. She just turned on her heal and left the room.
“I think I need a sweater,” Cate said as soon as the door closed behind Elisa. She and Marshall, my bodyguard, exchanged a look. “The temperature in here just plummeted.”
Marshall smirked at her. The two of them loved to tag-team me. They were jerks.
I glared at them both in the mirror. “Shut up.”
“Oh, great come back, Van,” Cate teased. “So what’s the story there? You sleep with her and not call her back? It’s only day one of the tour. That probably wasn’t the smartest idea.”
Marshall chucked, because he knew who Elisa was. Cate didn’t. She hadn’t been with us back when I’d dated Elisa.
“What am I missing?” she asked, looking back at Marshall and then at me in the mirror.
“Ex-girlfriend, for all intents and purposes,” I muttered. “I screwed up two years ago, and apparently I’m not forgiven.”
“What did you do?” Cate asked as she twisted my hair into the bedhead look I usual went with because my hair was unruly and curled at
the ends. When I wore it on the long side, I didn’t have many other options.
I sighed. “It’s complicated.”
Cate laughed. “It’s always complicated with you, Van. Why can’t you do simple? Why do you always pick the psycho girls or the clingy ones? I know you don’t enjoy their theatrics.”
“Fuck if I know,” I muttered, because I didn’t want to admit the truth.
I was suddenly starting to realize why I’d dated so many of the girls Cate was describing –they weren’t Elisa.
She was smart and centered and driven. She wasn’t dramatic or overly showy or needy. She was easy-going and simple. Every single girl I’d dated in the past two years had been none of those things, and I knew exactly why. I’d been sabotaging my own love life so I didn’t have to think about her.
That fact had become crystal clear over the past week, and as much as I’d wanted to avoid the feelings she’d elicited when she’d swept back into my life, I wasn’t going to be able to do it any longer. I knew in that moment that as much as I didn’t want it to be true, it was obvious that no matter how much time had passed, I wasn’t over Elisa Donovan.
“I have to talk to her,” I muttered, not really meaning to say it out loud. I met Cate’s gaze in the mirror and saw that she was eyeing me skeptically. “Are we done here?”
I was choosing to ignore her questioning gaze. I didn’t want to talk about Elisa or my revelation, and I couldn’t sit in that chair a second longer.
“We’re done,” Cate confirmed.
“Thanks,” I said, ripping of the drape she’d tied around my neck as I got to my feet.
Just as I headed for the door, a knock sounded, and I froze, holding my breath and wondering if it was Elisa again. My body slumped back to normal when I realized it was only Phillip.
He smirked at me. “You ready to dazzle some teenagers?”
“Du-de,” I groaned, hating when he said shit like that.
It was one of the things I hated about being in a boy band – aside from the boy band label itself. It was so defining, and for a guy who grew up on alternative rock, I’d never been a fan of pop music. Then I found myself in a boy band and realized there was more to the whole experience, but the label and the stigmas still bugged me, along with the fact that the majority of our fans were between the ages of ten and seventeen – and they were usually in love with one or all of us. It was creepy as hell, and I’d never gotten used to it in all this time.
I even felt weird posing for pictures with girls who weren’t of legal age, like I was going to get in trouble for touching someone’s daughter or sister. So the fact that Phillip, who didn’t seem to get weirded out by the vast age range of our fans, constantly teased me about it wasn’t something I appreciated.
Phillip laughed and slugged me in the arm. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”
“See, you’re not excited either,” I jabbed back at him as we started walking toward the tent where the meet and greet was being held.
He gave me a knowing look. “That’s because I’m doing this stone cold sober for the first time ever,” he reminded me, and the smile instantly fell from my face.
“Shit,” I hissed. “I didn’t think about that. You okay?”
His problems were so much bigger than mine. I was annoyed with having to go mingle with fans because I was tired, but I hadn’t even thought about how Phillip was feeling. This would be his biggest test to date, since touring always brought out his need to party. He was used to being high on stage and when he interacted with the fans. It was a completely different experience doing those things sober.
He’d done alright at the few performances we’d done over the last few months for different award shows and while we were promoting our album, and he’d even handled our two fan meet and greets well, but this was a completely different level of intensity. It was why he’d always self-medicated in the past. He liked to take the edge off.
“I’m alright,” he said. “I had a few Mountain Dews in my dressing room, which might not have been the best idea, since I’m sort of vibrating right now, but they took the edge off a little.”
I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. We had a strict no drugs policy on this tour and had made our entire crew sign releases that said we would terminate their jobs immediately if they were caught with drugs, but you never knew what people would try to get away with, and the last thing I wanted was someone tempting Phillip. He was strong, but I didn’t want that strength tested if I could help it. I was protective as hell of him these days, but I guess watching your friend almost die will do that to you.
I put my arm around him. “Works for me.”
We turned a corner, and reality slammed into me hard when I saw Elisa standing ten feet away with her iPad in her hands. She was giving someone directions, and it was all I could do to keep my feet moving forward. Before Phillip had intercepted me, I’d had all the gumption in the world to go talk to her. Now that she was in front of me, that bravery I’d felt was slowly seeping away. But it wasn’t like I could avoid her completely.
As soon as Phillip and I were within a few feet of her, she looked up. “You’re late.”
I swallowed hard.
“Sorry,” Phillip muttered. “Are Cam and Dillon already inside?”
Elisa nodded. “They are. Go ahead in and join them. We’re starting in a few minutes. Are you both comfortable with what to do?”
“Smile, hug, pose, smile again, say goodbye,” Phillip said sarcastically, which I knew was a front for the anxiety he was feeling.
He’d self-medicated for so many years for a reason, but he’d never let anyone see that he wasn’t completely in control of his faculties. That was why it had taken so long for any of us to realize he had a problem. He’d never seemed out of control, and then one day he pushed it too far. It was instantly apparent to all of us that he hadn’t been in control for a long time.
“Perfect,” Elisa told him, and he beamed at her.
I elbowed him in the ribs, catching him off-guard as he groaned. “What the fuck was that for?”
“Just go in the tent,” I growled at him. My mouth felt dry, so I swallowed, trying to make the dryness go away. It didn’t work. “Hey Lis?”
Elisa had turned her back to me, and I watched her freeze as I used the nickname only I’d ever called her. For several seconds, I watched her back, wondering if she was going to turn and face me. Finally she did, and her expression was as steely as it had been when she’d delivered the flowers to me – which I hadn’t even looked at, come to think of it. They were probably from Blair. Only she would do something so over the top like that. Unless they were from my mom.
That thought made me feel bad, since if they were from her, I needed to call and thank her. She’d be offended if I didn’t. She’d always been my biggest supporter when I’d gone rogue and decided to become a musician out of the blue. I’d look at the flowers when I got back after the meet and greet. If they were from her, I’d call her before the show.
“What can I do for you?” Elisa asked coldly, not offering me the same friendliness that I’d extended to her.
“Can I talk to you?”
“I just asked what I could do for you,” she repeated.
“No, um, I mean, that was it. I want to talk. That’s what you can do for me.”
“I’m a little busy right now, and you’re late to meet your fans. Can you just go into the tent with the other guys?”
I blinked a few times, not used to her directness. She was so fierce. It was just a meet and greet. If it didn’t start on time, so what?
“I just need a minute,” I told her.
“Is there a problem with the event tonight?” she asked, confusing the hell out of me.
“The event? No. Why would there be a problem with that?”
And why would I want to talk to you about that?
“Well, I’m not sure what else we could have to talk about,” she said crisply.
> I suddenly understood the game she was playing. She wasn’t misunderstanding what I was saying. She was trying to avoid talking to me, and keeping things on a business level was a surefire way to do that – which meant that everything I still felt for her was one-sided. Awesome.
“Lis, come on. Don’t be like that.”
“I’m not sure I understand, Van,” she said, saying my name for the first time. I’d missed the way it sounded on her lips more than I’d realized. “Don’t be like what? I’m here to do a job, so that’s what I’m going to do. If I can help you or one of the other guys out in any way, please let me know. But anything outside of a professional capacity, I’ll have to defer to one of my colleagues.”
I felt my eyebrows rise in disbelief. She was seriously brushing me off, and although it stung, I also knew her well enough to know that there was more to what she was saying. Based on her body language, I could tell she wasn’t indifferent toward me – not completely. And that realization thrilled me to no end. In fact, it was fairly clear that she was uncomfortable talking to me, almost as if she was still angry. All I could think about was that there was a fine line between love and hate. And if she hated me, which it seemed like she did, I just might be able to pull her across that line at some point. I might have a chance.
“So what exactly constitutes a professional capacity?” I asked her, sort of just wanting to see how much longer I could keep her talking. I also made sure to turn on the charm just a touch to see if I could get her to falter. I was nothing if not opportunistic.
“Anything having to do with the tour or the promotional events for the tour or the album,” she said, not seeming to budge.
“Anything having to do with either of those things?” I questioned coyly.
I watched her swallow hard, but she kept her posture stiff and her expression steely. She was trying her best not to give me an inch, but she wasn’t trying hard enough. I took a step forward, pushing into her personal space. She automatically took a step back.
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