In fact, the weekend I’d let everything go to hell and trashed my six month mostly-sober streak, I’d called Leah. I’d been high as a kite and babbling on about some nonsense with the band and my bandmates and our manager, Damon, and as much as I was sure Leah wanted to hang up on me, she didn’t. She stayed on the line and listened to my manic garble of sentences, a laundry list of complaints and frustrations that stemmed from the fact that we’d ended our last tour and kept right on going, promoting our new album, performing during award shows and talk shows and reality singing competition shows, performing so much that my throat felt raw most nights.
The stress had gotten to me, and during our first long weekend off, when my bandmates had all disappeared with their girlfriends, leaving me alone to my own devices and demons, I’d given in to the first temptation to knock on my door. I knew it was a bad decision. I’d known it as soon as I swallowed the first handful of pills. And after three days, things had spiraled so much that I’d been desperate enough that I’d called Leah, even though I knew she was going to be furious with me.
I was falling apart on the inside, and I knew it. I was close to tears when I told her I needed to see her and was about two seconds from booking a flight. That was when Leah got tough with me, telling me no, telling me that she didn’t want to see me. She said she knew I was high, and she was pissed that I’d fallen off the wagon. She said I needed help, and until I got it, she didn’t want to see me, and she sure as hell didn’t want me around Gavin.
She hung up before I could explain that I was fine, stunning me, because I’d never told her I’d finally succumbed to months of urges that I should have known were too strong not to eventually pull me under. I should have known Leah would be able to tell what had happened. She’d seen me fucked up too many times to not recognize the signs, and after I’d promised her back in May that I was done with drinking and drugs, she was pissed that I’d let her down.
That reality sunk in hard as soon as I heard the line go silent. An ache formed in my chest, and my stomach roiled as my drug-induced fear of losing her came to the forefront. I hated disappointing Leah. She was so good. She did everything right. She was a fantastic mom, an amazing sister, and an incredible friend. I was just a screw-up, and she was never going to forgive me for not being strong enough to stay sober.
I remembered sinking to the floor by my bed, my phone still in my hand. My ex, Nadia, who’d been the catalyst behind my headfirst dive off the sober-wagon, came into my room naked and flung herself onto my bed. She rolled over and pawed at me, trying to get me to join her, but I wasn’t in the mood, so I shoved her off of me and told her to leave.
She pouted and whined, so I turned and looked up at her. “Fucking leave!” I yelled. “You ruined my life. You ruined everything!”
I knew it wasn’t her fault. Sure, she’d shown up at my loft with twenty people and several baggies of party favors, but she hadn’t shoved them down my throat. That had been all me, and sitting in the dark, on the floor of my bedroom at six in the morning, having been up for days, I finally let myself take the blame.
The next thing I knew, Kelsey was knocking on my door. Leah had called her sister to come get me.
As soon as I saw her, I knew what I needed to do. A three day party binge after being mostly sober for months told me I wasn't as okay as I’d been pretending to be all along, and I needed help. Kelsey knew it too. She helped me pack a bag, she drove me to the rehab facility, and then she’d hugged me goodbye. I made the long walk inside alone, knowing if I didn’t do that, I might not be strong enough to stay.
I didn’t tell anyone else what I was doing. I didn’t want the fanfare and the concern. I didn’t need it. I needed to get help, just like Leah had said, and I needed to do it alone.
I made one call to Damon, letting him know where I was and why, because I knew he’d worry, but also because I wanted to know for sure that I’d have my life to go back to when I was ready. I needed him to know how much I cared about Westside and my bandmates and our future success. I was all in. I just needed time to get my head on straight.
The second he assured me that my place in the band was safe and that I should do whatever I needed to get better, I knew it was okay for me to go off the grid. I couldn't check out of my life for two months and not have the certainty that the good parts of it would be there when I got back. I needed the band and my bandmates more than anything. Without them, I didn’t have much else.
I didn't call the guys, because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Cam would have been pissed, Dillon would have been disappointed, and Van, my best friend and the guy who’d probably lay down his life for me, would have been hurt. I knew that, so I didn't tell any of them what I was doing. I asked Kelsey to call them for me, giving her a message to pass on, and then I let everything go, hoping I’d be forgiven for my mistakes when I came out on the other side.
Then I surrendered my belongings, remembering the drill all too well. It hadn’t even been a year since I’d checked out of the same facility, and everything I’d been through before was fresh in my mind the second I’d walked through the doors. But this time it was different. This time I was there of my own volition, and I was determined to get well. I’d stay as long as I needed to, and after I got out, I wasn’t going back.
Now, as the stately building got smaller and smaller behind us, I reaffirmed what I’d told myself every day while I’d been in rehab. Once you’re out, you’re out. You’re not going back.
I would continue telling myself that day after day, month after month, year after year, because I wasn’t going back. I was reclaiming my life, the life I’d earned, that I deserved, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take it from me. My childhood might have been shit, but it didn’t mean I had to continue to let it drag me under.
“So what’s the plan?” Kelsey asked as she smoothed her hands over her thin, denim-covered thighs. “You want to see a movie? Grab some food? There’s a new Indian place in my neighborhood that’s kind of amazing.”
I sighed, knowing I needed to make some phone calls. I hadn’t told anyone except Damon that I was getting out of rehab today, and I knew I probably needed to do that. As soon as I was spotted, my picture would be plastered all over the tabloids, since I’d been out of the spotlight for too long. The story that Damon and our publicist Katherine had masterminded was that I’d gone backpacking through Australia and New Zealand with a friend, so that’s where the world had assumed I was.
I’d been told my social media accounts had included a few updates a week about where I was and what I was doing, including some doctored photos that made it look like I was zip-lining, surfing, and hiking, all things I would have done had I actually been on the other side of the globe. So far it seemed like everyone had bought the story, since according to Damon, no one had challenged where I was.
The only headlines that had caused concern were surrounding the fact that I’d gone off to travel the world without Cam, Dillon, or Van. Apparently there were questions about how close we really were these days, if we were fighting, and there were even mentions that Westside was breaking up. I knew we’d have to remedy those rumors soon enough and show the world that we loved each other just as much as we always had.
And I was grateful to know for certain that we weren’t going to have to fake that feeling of closeness we’d always had. My bandmates weren’t mad. Damon had passed messages to me from all of them, and it had been a relief to hear that they’d been more worried about me than anything else. I knew as soon as I called, they’d be by my side. All wasn’t lost. In fact, I had a feeling we’d be better than ever. I wasn’t going to let them down again, and I was going to make sure they knew it.
“I’m not really all that hungry,” I told Kelsey, because I didn’t feel like going out.
She nodded. “Understandable. We can do anything you want.”
I looked up and met her gaze. “What if I said I wanted to go home?”
“To Florida?” she
questioned, because she knew where my thoughts had gone.
I needed to see Leah, to tell her I was sorry and to make sure she knew I was okay. Spending a few days with her and Gavin, going to the beach, watching movies, and ordering takeout with them sounded better than anything else.
Maybe I just wasn’t ready to re-enter society with a bang and easing in felt better, or maybe I just needed to reset my mindset before I jumped in with both feet. Either way, I knew Leah was the person to help me do that. She always had been.
“Is Leah pissed at me?” I asked Kelsey.
She shook her head. “Of course not.”
I ran a hand back through my hair. “Good. How’s Gav? Did he have a good Christmas?”
I felt like an ass for missing Christmas. In the almost six years since he’d been alive, I hadn’t missed a Christmas or his birthday, which I took as great opportunities to completely spoil him. For some reason, Leah had picked me to be his godfather, and I took the job seriously – which basically meant I regularly bought him more shit than he needed, but for special occasions, I went all out.
I loved the kid. He was cool as shit, and I wasn’t really a kid person, so that was saying a lot. He just sort of got to me, and I’d been hooked from the first day I’d met him when he was only a few hours old.
Kelsey had gone with her sister when she’d gone into labor, because their parents had been in London, and Leah didn’t have anyone else. Gavin’s dad was some guy Leah had slept with a few times when he’d been in town on vacation. He’d been a junior at Northwestern, and he’d denied Gavin from the start, claiming there was no way he could be his father. I’d half-expected Leah to demand a paternity test, but she hadn’t, saying she didn’t want someone in her son’s life who didn’t want to be there.
It was typical Leah, taking charge of her life and owning it completely, even though she was only seventeen at the time. She’d never once considered not having Gavin, and by the time he was born, she’d already carved out a plan to make sure he was loved, cared for, and had everything in life he needed – which apparently included me being his godfather.
I was stoned the first time I met him, which was pretty much par for the course for me back then. I was finishing up my senior year of high school, trying to figure out what was next and how I could parlay the modeling I’d been doing in Miami into a career that would get me out of South Florida. I felt anxious most of the time, so I relied on things to numb my senses and get me through the day.
It was just a typical day, so I was still able to function normally. But I’d never been around a baby before, so I’d wanted to take the edge off when Kelsey called me and told me to come to the hospital. I actually wasn’t sure what to expect, other than the fact that our tightknit group of three had added another member while I’d been falling asleep in Trig. It was incredibly surreal, and as was typical, I assumed the worst, expecting to see a crying, screaming, red-faced alien when I walked into Leah’s room.
That hadn’t been the case at all. In fact, Gavin was asleep in Leah’s arms when I opened the door. She smiled as soon as she saw me and whispered a hello. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do, so I sat in the chair next to her bed. When she had asked me if I wanted to hold Gavin, I blanched, not sure if I’d heard her right. How could she want me, a guy who’d never been around babies before and who was notoriously irresponsible, to hold her kid?
Then before I knew what she was doing, she’d handed him to me. I froze as I looked down at him. He was tiny as shit, and I was afraid any sudden movements would break him. But when I saw Leah smile, I knew that my instinct to throw him back at her was wrong. I took a few deep breaths, tried to relax, and prayed that I wouldn’t accidentally drop him.
“You’re really good with him,” Leah told me.
“I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing,” I admitted.
“I know you don’t, but you’re doing great,” she said, a smile on her face. “So what are you up to today?”
“Um,” I said, not sure how to answer her. She’d literally just had a baby, and the biggest thing I had to do that day was ride out to an island for a party at sunset. It was a weird moment. “There’s this beach party that Max Winters is having.”
Leah nodded. “Sounds fun.”
“Yeah, I guess. So what are you up to?” I asked, feeling like a dumbass as soon as the words were out of my mouth. “I mean, do you get to go home today?”
I figured acting like I knew what the hell came next for her might make up for the fact that I didn’t have a clue. Leah was one of my best friends, and up until that moment, I’d barely asked her about the baby she’d been carrying. We’d carried on as normal while she’d been pregnant, me ignoring the fact, and her playing along. I kind of felt like a jerk for not being more interested, but I honestly didn’t know jack about kids.
“Not until tomorrow, so for now I’m just going to get used to having this little guy in my life.”
I’d looked down at Gavin who was sleeping peacefully, his little head covered by a blue and white striped beanie.
“He seems cool,” I offered, and then I looked up at Leah. “Are you scared?”
She nodded. “Yes. I’m terrified.”
I nodded. “I can imagine. This is kind of big.”
“Yup. It’s sort of huge.” She sighed. “I’m glad you’re here, Phillip. It means a lot to me.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” I assured her.
“What is this?” Kelsey asked a few minutes later when she walked in the door holding a cup of coffee. She blinked a few times. “Phillip Lawton, are you actually holding a baby?”
“He’s holding his godson,” Leah piped up.
“My what?” I asked, looking at her in surprise.
“Your godson,” she repeated. “I was going to ask you if you’d do it.”
“Uh, okay. Sure. I guess. What does that mean exactly?”
Kelsey and Leah laughed as I wondered if I was even qualified for the job. I was pretty sure I wasn’t.
“Just be a part of his life,” Leah said, like that explained everything. “Since he doesn’t have a father, he’ll need someone to talk to about guy stuff.”
I looked at her in confusion. “Like sex and condoms and girls?”
I looked down at the little guy in my arms, not able to picture him asking me about that kind of stuff.
“That probably won’t be the first things he asks about, but eventually, yeah. And before that, you can teach him about trucks and bugs and snakes.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Right, because those are three things I know so much about.”
Leah smiled. “Fine, you can teach him about skateboarding, surfing, and how to dress like a prep.”
I felt a corner of my mouth tug up. “Yeah, okay. I can do that.”
“Good, then it’s settled. You’ll be his godfather, and Kelsey is going to be his godmother.”
I looked over at Kelsey. “Cool, we’re going to be godparents. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that sex with each other is a part of that. How ‘bout it?”
“Ugh,” Kelsey said, making an over-exaggerated display of how much she didn’t want to sleep with me.
I had to agree that the feeling was mutual. Even though Leah and I had messed around a few times over the years, we’d usually both been drunk and/or high, and there wasn’t anything behind it. Kelsey and I had never hooked up, and I wouldn’t have consciously pursued anything serious with either girl. There was too much between us, and our friendship was too important to me.
“Your loss,” I told Kelsey, not looking over at Leah.
Kelsey didn’t know we’d slept together a handful of times, and we weren’t planning on telling her. It was in the past anyway, and it wasn’t going to happen again. Leah had given up partying when she’d gotten pregnant. No more would I or any other guy drunkenly fall into her bed. She was a mom now, as evident by the tiny pink-faced creature in my arms.
I was glad I wasn’t so
ber in that moment. I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to wrap my head around that reality, even if it wasn’t my reality. Everything was going to change for Leah, and we all knew it.
Looking back, everything had changed for Leah that day, but true to form, she’d handled it all in stride. She really was the best mom, but she was also the best kind of friend. And when I was feeling lost and uncertain about the future, I knew she was who I wanted to see. She’d faced her future blindly when she’d had Gavin, and she’d handled it with grace. I could probably learn a few things from her.
“I think I’m going to go down and visit Leah and Gavin,” I told Kelsey. “You think Leah would be cool with that?”
Kelsey nodded. “I think she’d love it.”
I stretched my legs out in front of me. “Yeah, I figure I’ll sink a few grand into some things for Gav too, you know, make up for the fact that I wasn’t around at Christmas. What did Leah tell him?”
“She said you had gone to the North Pole to visit Santa’s workshop, because you were having a super-cool toy designed just for him, but you wouldn’t be able to deliver it until later because it took a long time to make.”
“Son of a bitch, really?” I said around a laugh. “That’s awesome. I need to figure out what to get him. It needs to be really cool.”
“I have some ideas,” Kelsey offered. “I’ll even go shopping with you.”
I eyed her warily. “How about online shopping,” I offered, not sure why she was so insistent on getting me out and about. “I was thinking of checking in with the guys when I got home and maybe ordering some food. You could stick around and hang out with me, I mean, unless you have some fabulous event to go to with your swanky businessman boyfriend.”
Kelsey smiled at my dig at Kip, the self-made millionaire she’d been dating for the past year. I wasn’t his biggest fan, and she knew it. She liked him though, so we’d agreed to disagree.
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