“What were you going through back then?” I asked him, wondering how dark it really got when you peeled back the layers of Phillip Lawton.
I assumed I knew him, but I had a feeling I’d barely scratched the surface. He seemed to be as fucked up as I was – maybe worse.
“Things were just bad,” he said, and I knew that was his subtle way of saying he didn’t want to talk about it. “But from the day I met them, it was Leah, Kelsey, and me. I had these two girls as my best friends, and even though I had other friends over the years, no one stuck by me like them.”
“That must be nice,” I ventured. “I’ve never really had anyone like that in my life.”
The only person who’d come close for me was Jason. He’d been my best friend for a few short years, but who knew if that relationship would have continued if we’d both given up drugs. Maybe we would have found that we didn’t have anything else in common.
“It’s better than nice,” Phillip said, sounding incredibly sincere. “But it’s hard too. When someone is emotionally invested in you, and you’re emotionally invested in them, you give a lot of yourself. It can get confusing, and lines can get blurred.”
“Is that what happened with Leah tonight?”
I knew I was taking a chance in asking him something so personal. So far he hadn’t said outright that anything had happened with Leah, and I hoped he wouldn’t get upset that I was able to guess. I didn’t want him to stop talking. But my mind was still hyper-focused on why he’d come to see me in the first place and why he was telling me all this.
“You know she was sixteen when she got pregnant?” Phillip said instead of answering my question. I had a feeling it was intentional.
“I actually didn’t know that,” I told him.
“She was sixteen. She was barely a junior in high school, and suddenly she was saddled with this huge thing.”
“Wow, that’s young.”
“I know, and she didn’t have to do it. She could have easily gotten an abortion. I’m sure a lot of girls in her situation would have done that, but she didn’t. She didn’t take the easy way out.”
I swallowed hard as his words resonated with me, hitting too close to home. “I can only imagine how hard that was for her.”
“You’d think that, but it wasn’t hard for Leah. I mean, yes, it was hard. She was a mom before she was a high school graduate, but she was just so good at balancing it all. She graduated with honors, she went to college online while she worked full time, and she made this great life for herself and Gavin. She’s like a superhero.”
“She sounds amazing.”
“She is, and Gavin is this really cool kid. You’d think growing up without a dad would have affected him, but it didn’t.”
“Is his dad not in the picture?”
Phillip shook his head. “Nah, he was some college guy that was in town on vacation. Leah only saw him a few times, and because of that, he refused to ever admit that Gavin was his. He’s a deadbeat as far as I’m concerned.”
“Well, it sounds like Gavin has a pretty good male role model in is life. He might not even miss out on having a dad.”
Phillip looked confused. “Who does he have?”
“You,” I told him simply.
“Ha!” he said, barking out a laugh. “That’s not even close to accurate.”
“It’s not? Because I saw you with him today, and not only did he seem to think you were the coolest, but you seemed to connect with him pretty well.”
“Yeah, well, he’s my buddy. He’s a cool kid, and we have fun together, but I’m no role model. Trust me, I’d never want him to look up to me.”
“I think it might be a little late for that, Phillip.”
He shook his head vehemently. “No way. I’m a druggie who can’t get his life together. I’m a loser. He doesn’t need to look up to me in any way. When he gets older he’ll realize that. I’m not a good influence. I’m not good enough for anyone.”
So that was it. Without saying it directly, he’d finally gotten to the heart of why he’d stopped by. And none of it was about Gavin. It was about Leah. He liked her, and he didn’t think he was good enough for her. That was what was eating away at him.
“You’re not a druggie anymore,” I reminded him.
He looked up and met my gaze, and suddenly I could see the cracks beneath the surface that he’d been trying to hide from me since we’d met. It was like his guard had completely fallen away, and he looked exposed and vulnerable and so broken all at once.
“I wanted to be tonight,” he said, pain coating his words. “I wanted it bad, Sabrina. I could taste it. I could feel it. I could remember the high so clearly that I was ready to throw everything away.”
God, there was so much pain in his eyes it was making me hurt for him. I wished he’d tell me what happened.
“Why, Phillip?”
“Because it hurt. Everything just hurt.”
“Did Leah say something to you?”
He dropped his gaze to his lap. “She didn’t have to.”
Poor guy. I could see him falling apart on the inside, and a part of me wanted to pull him into my arms if it would make him feel even a little better.
I shifted on the couch, moving to the middle cushion, so I was closer to him. “I’m glad you came by then.”
“Are you?”
I reached for his hand, a little surprised that he let me take it. “Phillip, I told you that no matter what, you could come to me when you felt like using. That’s why I’m here. I don’t know what happened tonight, and you don’t have to tell me, but at least let me help you.”
He looked up and met my gaze, his light blue eyes boring into mine. “I don’t think you can help me, Sabrina. I’m not sure anyone can.”
“Maybe not,” I said, squeezing his hand. “But maybe I can make it hurt a little less.”
He blinked a few times. “How?”
I was aware of him moving closer to me, but for some reason I didn’t pull away. It was like I knew what was coming on some subconscious level, but it was the last thing I expected, so I wasn’t even prepared for it. And I didn’t stop him.
Phillip reached up and ran his index finger down my jawline. “Do you know what it’s like to be in pain, Sabrina? To truly hurt?”
I nodded, my heart starting to pound at the intimate gesture and the softness of his words.
“Of course you do. You lost your boyfriend.”
“I’ve lost more than that,” I told him, my voice barely a whisper as I felt his proximity alone start to suck me under.
I’d found him attractive from the first time we met, but nothing had made me want to act on that attraction – until now. It was wrong. It was wrong on so many levels, but it was hard to remember that when my body was involuntarily leaning toward him, his clean scent washing over me and making me drunk with want.
“Me too,” he said softly. “And I can’t ever seem to get ahead.”
He was in pain. He’d just been rejected, and he’d come to me for comfort. Shit, I couldn’t do this. I shouldn’t do it.
But a part of me really, really wanted to.
And it seemed like he did too.
“You have a great life, Phillip,” I reminded him, my breath mingling with his as his thumb swept across my lower lip, and I closed my eyes.
I should have been pulling away, but his closeness was starting to overwhelm me and make my head swim as thoughts crossed my mind that I’d never seriously considered until now. His dark hair, his light blue eyes, his full lips – the man was gorgeous in so many ways, and the pain etched into his features only endeared me to him more. I found myself arching toward him, hoping I could ease some of his pain, and mine along with it.
“It doesn’t always feel like I have a great life,” he said softly. “There’s so much pain, and sometimes I just want to forget it all. Don’t you?”
I nodded. “There are lots of things I want to forget,” I said, opening my eyes to see him lo
oking at me with such intensity that it broke my heart.
“That’s why we liked to get high, isn’t it? Because when you’re high, you forget. You don’t remember the bad things. You don’t feel the pain. It all goes away.”
His words were a whisper sweeping over my lips as he elicited a feeling deep in my gut that had me remembering too many things I’d tried to forget. I’d loved being high. It was the greatest feeling in the world, but it was always followed by the worst feeling in the world.
“The pain goes away,” I agreed, “but then the high wears off, and you remember everything.”
A small smile played on Phillip’s lips. “But then you just find another way to forget again.”
“And then you end up spending your entire existence chasing the high.”
“You do,” he agreed. “And that’s when things go to shit.”
I nodded. “They do.”
“I want to forget, Sabrina,” he said desperately, his mouth inches from mine. “I want to get out of my head. I want to push the bad thoughts away.”
As soon as he said that, I knew I wanted it too. I’d been clinging to my sobriety like a life raft, and I had no idea how exhausting it was until that moment. As I heard Phillip living what I’d gone through too recently, and when I thought about how hard I’d worked at trying to move forward, to prove to everyone that I could come back from the dead, that I was strong enough to fight what had consumed me for too long, I realized just how tired I was. I wasn’t nearly as strong as I wanted everyone to believe, and it was like everything I’d fought to control came crashing down around me in one moment of complete weakness. All I wanted to do was get lost and pretend for just a little while that I was okay.
What Phillip was offering me was exactly what I hadn’t known I needed. An hour ago, I never would have considered what he was suggesting, but something about the way he smelled and the heat radiating from his body and the feel of his skin on mine had me losing sight of everything but the moment we were in. And in that moment, I wanted exactly what he was suggesting, no matter how wrong I knew it was.
He gently held my chin in between his thumb and forefinger. “Don’t you want to make it go away?”
I nodded, not even fully aware of my own actions. How did I even get to this place?
“I can do that for you. I can make it go away,” he offered, and I found myself leaning toward him, my eyelids fluttering at his words.
“Phillip, we can’t,” I said, some semblance of reason coming to the surface.
Shit, we barely knew each other. He’d been content to push me away since we’d met, and now all he wanted to do was get closer. It was as confusing as it was comforting, since I’d been fighting for him to let me in for too long. Now he was – just not in the way I’d wanted.
He shook his head as his intense gaze met mine. “We can. It’s okay.”
“But–”
“Shh,” he said, pressing his index finger to my lips. He shook his head. “Don’t talk. Just let me help you, and you can help me. Just like we talked about.”
“Phillip, that’s not what we talked about,” I said, my voice sounding breathy.
But he knew it was an empty protest. His hand moved to my waist, pulling me toward him as he shook his head. Then his lips were on mine, and everything I’d been fighting was gone in a flash. His lips were full and certain, and they felt like heaven against mine. It had been too long since I’d been kissed like that, with passion and pain and desperation all rolled into one emotional moment.
Before I could stop myself, I slid my hands into his hair, anchoring him to me as I kissed him back. His tongue flirted with my lips, and I parted them, giving him full access to deepen the kiss. I needed that. I needed him. I couldn’t explain it, but in that moment, he felt like air.
Phillip’s hand slid up behind my head as he eased me back onto the couch, never breaking the kiss. His full body weight covered me, pressing me down into the cushions, pinning me in the best way possible. He felt like everything I’d ever been missing, and even though I knew every kiss and every caress was a mistake, I didn’t stop him. I didn’t want to stop him.
Phillip dragged his mouth from mine as I arched my neck, giving him the go-ahead to take what he wanted. I wanted it too, and as his lips landed on the sensitive skin of my neck, I let out a soft moan.
He smiled against my skin as he slid his hand between us, touching me through my leggings in an area that was already in a state of heightened awareness. My arms went around his back, holding him to me as he brought his lips back to mine and massaged me gently.
I knew what was going to happen, and I was powerless to stop it. I didn’t make a habit of sleeping with guys at will, or at least I hadn’t done it in a long time, not since I’d gotten sober. But a part of me wanted to be bad, even if it was just for a night. I’d given up too many things I’d loved. I could have this without feeling guilty. And when Phillip slid his hand into my panties, removing the barrier that had previously been between us, I decided to stop thinking altogether.
“I have condoms in the bedroom,” I said against his mouth, giving myself over to the sensations he was responsible for.
“I’m glad,” he said, sounding breathless as he slid a finger into me, making me gasp. “God, you’re so tight.”
I didn’t want to tell him that there was a reason for that. I hadn’t had sex in two years and was breaking my own rule by being with him. But I just couldn’t bring myself to care in that moment when his fingers were working their magic, and his thumb was circling my most sensitive spot, building me into a frenzy.
“Oh God, Phillip,” I hissed out.
“Just let go,” he said, peppering my jawline with kisses.
I could feel his hardness against my thigh, and the subtle way he was moving to create the slightest friction. It was sinful and sexy, and as he brought his lips back to mine, I hit my breaking point and toppled over the edge, crying out against his mouth.
He kissed me long and deep as I rode out my orgasm, flexing my hips against his hand, taking everything I wanted.
“God, I want you,” he growled against my lips.
“Take it,” I said, all rational thought leaving me in that moment.
I leaned up so he could pull my tank top over my head, and within a few seconds my bra was tossed to the floor. Phillip’s lips descended on one of my nipples, as he slid his arms around my back. I wrapped my legs around him and let him lift me, his mouth never leaving the spot it was anchored to as he rose to standing.
“Where’s the bedroom?” he asked, the words vibrating against my skin.
“Behind me.”
He finally lifted his head, and I stole his lips in a kiss as he started to walk. Within a few seconds, we were through the door, and he’d deposited me on the bed.
“In my suitcase,” I told him. “Front pocket.”
I rolled onto my side as I watched Phillip dig into the front pocket for the condoms I’d packed but honestly never thought I’d use. They were completely precautionary. When he rose to standing, he held one between his teeth as he moved to take off his blazer and the polo he had on under it. I watched in awe as his toned stomach came into view. He had the body of a god underneath his preppy facade. He was toned in all the right places and was downright edible. I had the urge to give in to the thoughts that had been haunting me since I’d seen him in the shower and kiss him in as many places as I could reach.
But before I could entertain that thought in its entirety, he’d stripped off all his clothes, and I was left to focus on other impending things. He smirked as he walked back over to me and tossed the condom on the bed. Then he proceeded to tug my leggings completely off, along with my panties.
I lay naked before him, ready for everything he had to give, ready to forget.
“I needed this,” he said as he unwrapped the condom and slid it over his length. “Thank you.”
As he covered my body with his, and I cradled him with my hips
, the only thought on my mind was, No, thank you.
* * *
My alarm went off at seven the next morning, and I rolled over with a groan, forgetting for a few moments why I was so tired. Then I remembered everything.
I hadn’t been drunk, but the night before came back to me in flashes that made me feel like I’d been drunk. But nothing was blurry. It was all crystal clear, from the moment Phillip had kissed me to the moment he’d collapsed on top of me after giving me no less than three orgasms.
The sex had been incredible. It was quite possibly the best I’d ever had, but I couldn’t help wonder how big of a mistake it had been. In the moment, I’d wanted it. I’d needed it, and it had been so good. But I also knew I’d crossed a major line. I was supposed to be helping Phillip, and even though I’d given him what he’d wanted, what he said he’d needed, had I really helped him?
I wasn’t even sure where he was. I assumed he’d snuck out in the middle of the night, and a part of me was grateful. I didn’t exactly want to see him. What would I say to him anyway?
I just hoped he was okay. The night before he’d been in such a bad place. I’d known he was teetering, and because of that I’d wanted to do anything I could to pull him back, even if it was a little selfish and probably a lot reckless.
At least now he couldn’t say that he didn’t know me, but had I just added another level of awkward that would prevent him from wanting to open up to me? He barely talked to me as it was, but I guess I had to remember that when he’d needed someone, he’d come to me. He’d come to me, and I wanted to believe that I’d made things better, that I’d helped him, but I honestly didn’t know if I’d done that or just made everything worse. Would he even consider taking me seriously now that we’d slept together?
Maybe I should talk to him. We were leaving Seattle in two hours, and I’d set my alarm so I could get a workout in before I had to sit on the bus all day. I figured if I timed things right, I could catch Phillip before he got on the Westside bus.
So I skipped my workout and instead took a long, hot shower, washing away the remnants of the night before. The last thing I wanted was to still smell like Phillip when I ran into him. It was bad enough that I’d thrown myself at him like some fangirl, and the less reminders I had of how impulsive I’d been, the better. I’d always favored impulsivity in the past, and it had never gotten me anywhere good. I hoped this time it hadn't cost me as much as I feared.
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