I probably should have gone downstairs earlier, but instead I procrastinated, waiting until the last minute to head down to the buses. I’d lost my nerve as flashes of Phillip and me in the throes of passion came back to me intermittently throughout the morning. Maybe it would be better to put some space between us before we talked.
Of course, as soon as I got downstairs I ran right into Leah and Gavin. They were waiting by the private back entrance we were using to come and go from the hotel. She was standing, but Gavin was sitting on the floor playing a Nintendo DS. I didn’t see Phillip anywhere.
Leah looked up in anticipation, but as soon as she saw it was me, her face fell.
“Hi Leah. How are you?” I asked her, hoping what I’d done wasn’t written all over my face. I had no idea how she’d feel about it, and I’d rather her not know.
“Hi Sabrina,” she said softly. “You haven’t seen Phillip, have you?”
I shook my head, playing it cool. “No, I haven’t. Sorry.”
She nodded. “He – he did go see you last night, didn’t he?” she asked hesitantly.
“He did,” I confirmed, and I saw relief sweep over her features.
“Was he okay when he left?”
I knew she was purposely asking vague questions, either for Gavin’s sake or because she didn’t want to speak aloud what we both knew was a very real concern the night before. Had it not been for me, Phillip could have easily fallen back into his old ways. Seeing the concern in Leah’s eyes, I knew that regardless of what had happened between them, she loved him and she cared about his welfare.
“He was fine,” I told her. “We talked, and he seemed okay after that.”
She let out a sigh of relief. “I’m so glad. Thank you for being there for him.”
“I was happy to do it.”
Happier than I’d ever admit, if I was being honest.
“What did I miss?” I suddenly heard to my left, and Leah and I both turned to see Phillip heading toward us.
His gaze shifted to me as Leah launched herself at him, throwing her arms around his neck. “I’m so sorry,” she gushed as he tentatively hugged her back.
I noticed his hair looked wet from a recent shower, and his clothes were rumbled – a first for him. He usually looked neatly pressed and fairly flawless.
“It’s okay,” he said to Leah. “I’m fine.”
“No, it’s not okay,” she said, hugging him tighter. “It’s not.”
“We’re alright, Leah,” he said softly, probably so Gavin wouldn’t hear, but I could see that the little boy was watching them intently.
“Hey Gavin?” I said to him.
He looked up at me. “Yeah?”
“You want to come see my tour bus? It’s really cool.”
I figured I’d give Phillip and Leah some time to talk. They obviously needed it.
“Yeah!” Gavin said excitedly as he clamored to his feet. I looked over at Phillip. “Text me when you want us to come back.”
He nodded once, but neither he nor Leah said anything until Gavin and I were out of earshot.
Ten minutes later, my phone beeped.
“Time to go, Gavin,” I told him from where he was playing with my guitar.
“This thing is so cool!”
“I know. It’s even more fun if you play it really loud.”
“Like this?” he asked gleefully, rapidly strumming the strings so they made a piercing sound.
I saw Joe, my driver, wince at the unwelcome noise. He was used to me softly strumming and not ripping my pick across the guitar like I was trying to murder it. But Gavin was having fun, so I didn’t mind.
I laughed. “Exactly like that,” I told Gavin. “Nice job.”
There was a knock on the bus door a few seconds later, and when it opened, Phillip was standing there with Leah.
“I’ve got to go, bud,” Phillip told Gavin. “Can you come give me a hug?”
“I want to stay with Sabrina,” Gavin whined. “She let me play her guitar.”
“Oh yeah? Did you like it?” Phillip asked.
Gavin nodded exuberantly. “It was awesome!”
“Good deal. Then there will be a guitar waiting for you when you get home,” Phillip told him.
“What?!” Gavin and Leah both said at the same time, but in very different tones. Leah was clearly shocked and appalled, and Gavin was clearly thrilled.
“Are you serious?” Gavin asked with wide eyes.
“Heck yeah, man,” Phillip told him. “Music’s awesome. You should learn to play an instrument.”
“Can you play any instruments?” Gavin asked him. “I thought you just sang songs.”
Phillip smiled, but I noticed it was tight. “Yeah, I play the piano. Remember that one time I played for you and your mom?”
Gavin looked introspective for a few seconds before he said, “Oh yeah. That was fun.”
“It was,” Phillip agreed. “Playing music is awesome. We’re going to get you playing the guitar in no time, and when I see you at our show in Miami, you can jam with Sabrina.”
“Really?!” he questioned, looking over at me expectantly.
I nodded. “Sure thing. We’ll rock out together. It’ll be awesome.”
It was cool to see Gavin’s eyes light up as he said, “Awesome! Thanks Phillip!”
Phillip caught my eye and mouthed, “Thank you,” right as Gavin bolted toward the entrance of the bus and threw himself at Phillip.
“You’re not buying him a guitar,” I heard Leah say softly.
“It’s already done,” Phillip told her, like there wasn’t any room for argument. “I’ll arrange for lessons too.”
“Phillip, that’s too much.”
“It’s never too much,” he told her pointedly.
It seemed like they’d had that argument before when she just sighed and shook her head. I watched Phillip lean over and kiss her cheek. “Safe travels,” he murmured.
“Take care of yourself,” she told him softly.
I was glad to see they seemed to have made up.
He nodded. “I will.”
Leah and Gavin waved goodbye to me and told me they’d see me in Miami. Then before I knew what was happening, Phillip was getting on my bus, and the door was closing behind him.
“What are you doing?” I blurted out.
“I need a ride. Everyone else left. Your bus is the last one. Van texted me and told me to find a ride. They weren’t waiting any longer. You’re it.”
So much for avoiding any awkwardness.
“Okay, well, make yourself comfortable, I guess,” I said reluctantly as Joe started the bus, and we began to roll forward.
“Don’t sound so excited. And thanks, I will,” Phillip said as he dropped his duffel bag onto the couch and reached into the fridge to grab a soda.
He popped the top and took a long drink as he looked around the small space, while I stood there appraising him, not sure what to do. I definitely hadn’t planned on being in this close of quarters with him, alone, for at least a day.
“Do you have this bus all to yourself?” he asked as he walked through the common area.
“Yes,” I said as I watched him pass by me and head down the aisle that led to my bedroom.
He looked at the walls that housed my closets in question. “Where do you sleep?”
“In there,” I said, gesturing to the closed door.
I knew Westside had a different set-up on their bus. It was bunks down the hallway with a lounge area in the back. Mine was closets and a bedroom, which was preferable from a privacy standpoint.
Phillip opened the door and whistled. “You have an actual bedroom. That’s awesome.”
“I like it.”
He turned to look at me. “I have a bunk. It’s not as cool. I like that you have a door.”
“Me too.”
“So, do you and him ever come back here just to get away from it all?” he asked, winking coyly as I realized what he was saying.
&n
bsp; “Stop it,” I chastised him. “That’s gross. Joe’s in his late fifties.”
Phillip shrugged. “I don’t know what kind of guys you’re into. You might like old men. Your personal tastes are your own business.”
I sighed, not sure I liked this new side of him. Apparently he thought he now knew me intimately enough to make comments like that, and considering we’d slept together, maybe he did. At least he didn’t seem to want to shut me out completely after what we’d done. Maybe it hadn’t been such a big mistake after all.
“Considering who I slept with last night, I think you’d have a pretty good idea of my tastes,” I said, testing the waters.
Maybe it would end up turning into just something that happened, and we’d be able to move forward as normal.
Phillip looked at me in surprise. “Oh, so we’re acknowledging that?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t we?”
His mouth twisted into a smirk. “I just figured you to be one of those girls who wouldn’t want to talk about it. Figured you’d find it shameful.”
“Why would I find it shameful? Should I be embarrassed that I slept with you?”
He laughed as if that was the funniest joke he’d ever heard. “Yeah, that’s not something I’m worried about,” he said confidently.
“Glad to see you’re not modest,” I said sarcastically.
“It’s one of my best features.”
“I think I’ll disagree with you on that.”
“Oh yeah?” Phillip questioned, sounding way too intrigued for his own good. “And what do you think are my best features?”
I shook my head at him. “I think we’ll save that conversation for a later date. I’m not sure I’m in the mood to start dishing out compliments that will only make your head bigger.”
“So you do like some things about me. Interesting.”
I shrugged, knowing that if he thought back to the night before, he could come up with a whole lot of things I liked about him. I couldn’t say his personality was one of them, but he had some good attributes.
“The list is short,” I promised him.
“But there’s a list in existence.”
“More like a few bullets. Nothing to get excited about.”
“I’m not excited,” he said nonchalantly. “Just curious. I bet I can think of one thing on the list – one bullet.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
He smirked knowingly at me. “You liked having sex with me.”
“I did. It was fun.”
I watched his smirk grow even wider. “It was fun,” he agreed, and then he paused. “Want to do it again?”
He gestured to the bed as I shook my head. “I think I’ll pass.”
“No? Come on.”
“No thanks. I’m good.”
“Okay, suit yourself,” he said, shrugging.
“So, everything seemed to be okay with Leah this morning,” I ventured, figuring a subject change was in order. “Did you guys get things worked out?”
I watched a shadow cross over Phillip’s face that told me things with Leah were the same as they’d been the night before. They just didn’t seem to be bothering him as much.
“I don’t want to talk about that,” he said, and I knew there was no room for argument.
“Okay, so what do you want to do?” I asked him. “We’ve got a long ride ahead of us.”
“You know what I want to do,” he said with an air of lecherousness. “But since you already vetoed that, I think I’ll take a nap.”
When he moved toward my bed, I stopped him. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Taking a nap,” he said, slower that time, so I was sure to understand him.
“Not in here you’re not.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s my bed.”
He smirked at me. “You didn’t have any problems letting me into your bed last night.”
“Yeah, well, consider this as me having perspective in the light of a new day.”
“Fair enough. Mind if I grab your couch? I’m kind of wiped. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he said suggestively as he brushed past me, intentionally sliding his body against mine in the small space.
“Do whatever you want. I’ll be in here reading if you want to talk.”
“Why would I want to talk?” he asked, like it was the craziest notion in the world.
“Oh, I don’t know, because you almost dove headfirst off a cliff last night, and nothing has changed since then.”
Phillip sighed, his demeanor shifting to serious. “I’m fine, Sabrina. All cravings are gone with the night.”
I eyed him skeptically as he took another drink of his soda. “Are you sure.”
“I swear,” he said, sounding sincere.
I figured that was the best I could hope for. At least if he wasn’t okay, he couldn’t get into any trouble on my bus. It was as clean and dry as I was.
“So you’re good with just burying what happened with Leah?” I asked him.
“I’m great with it.”
I sighed. “Fine. Just remember that last night wasn’t a one-time thing. You can come to me the next time something bad happens.”
Phillip eyed me in amused question as I realized what I’d said.
“Not for that!” I said quickly. “I meant to talk or whatever.”
“I choose whatever,” he said with a smile.
“Whatever does not mean what you think it means,” I told him, and then I figured I should just stop talking.
I stepped into the bedroom and started to close the door just as Phillip called after me, “I’ll leave it to a loose interpretation.”
“Whatever,” I grumbled.
He just laughed and mumbled something that I couldn’t hear. I knew I should be glad for that, but I was honestly just a little bit curious. Something had shifted between us the night before, and regardless of how much I might have disliked him in the past, a part of me was a little endeared to Phillip after seeing him in such a vulnerable state.
I wanted to believe there was a good guy underneath, that he was just broken and scarred, and that was why he kept his walls up. Now that I’d seen past them, I knew he harbored so much pain. I knew what that felt like, but I also knew there was a way past it, and if Phillip would even be a little open to it, I wanted to help him find it. I just wasn’t sure he’d be willing, and I quite honestly wasn’t even sure where to start.
He’d come to me the night before out of desperation. He’d done it because he didn’t have another option. I didn’t want to wait for another night like that for him to feel comfortable talking to me about what was slowly eating away at him. And to be honest, my fear was that he might not make the same choice the next time. That he would choose something else over talking to me was what scared me the most.
Chapter Ten
Phillip
“Are you really in love with Leah?” Kelsey asked me when she called a few days after her sister and Gavin had left Seattle.
It was apparent that what had happened between Leah and me outside her hotel room wasn’t a secret anymore. I’d been wondering if she was going to say anything to anyone. I hadn’t told a soul, and I was going to keep it that way.
I knew Sabrina had an idea of what had happened, but thankfully she hadn’t pushed me to talk about it. I was realizing she was good that way. She pushed, but she only pushed so far. For a guy like me who loathed talking about his feelings, I was good with that.
I sighed. “I don’t know.”
“Phillip, talk to me,” Kelsey urged.
“What do you want me to say? I don’t know how I feel.”
“But you kissed her.”
“Yes,” I confirmed, the memories of getting burned still too fresh in my mind.
I hadn’t talked to Leah since she’d left. After our show in Vancouver, we’d continue to make our way across Canada, so I’d had a few days of downtime while we trave
led in between shows to process everything that had happened, including the conversation Leah and I had outside of Sabrina’s bus right before we left. It wasn’t all that noteworthy, consisting of Leah telling me how much she cared about me and how much she wanted me to focus on my goals as I stood there numbly reliving her rejection from the night before. I knew without her saying it that no matter how much she loved me it wasn’t in the way I wanted – if that was really what I wanted.
I still wasn't sure where my sudden interest in taking things to a different level with her had come from. As a rule, I didn’t have girlfriends, nor had I ever wanted one. I had no idea what had come over me in the past few months but it sort of felt like an out of body experience. Maybe rehab had changed me or maybe my head was so clear these days that I had too much time to think about unrealistic things. All I knew was that what I’d done was stupid, and I wholeheartedly regretted it.
Maybe I would have felt differently had Leah reacted differently, but for now it was firmly in the category of things I wished I could take back.
“You seriously kissed her?” Kelsey questioned, not able to wrap her head around what had happened.
“Yeah, but I kiss a lot of people. It’s not a big deal,” I said, trying to make light of the situation in a sad attempt to avoid further embarrassment. “And if you remember correctly, it wasn’t even the first time I kissed her.”
Kelsey might not have known that Leah and I had slept together years ago, but she’d witnessed our first kiss. It was during an ill-fated moment at a party where Leah was trying to make a point, and I’d kissed her to get her to stop talking. It wasn’t even a good kiss, since I’d caught her off-guard, we were both drunk, and she’d come out of it laughing. But Kelsey had seen it, as had the rest of our friends.
“Oh, Phillip. What were you thinking?” Kelsey chastised me.
“What? What was so wrong about what I did?”
“Because we’re not in high school anymore. It’s not some party where we’re all wasted, and Leah just happened to be there. This is different.”
Westside Series Box Set Page 91