Gavin looked up at her. “Okay.” Then he looked at Sabrina. “Want to come in my house?”
Sabrina smiled as he held his hand out to her. “I’d be honored.”
That made him grin, and I started to wonder if he didn’t maybe have a little crush on my girlfriend. She was really hot, so I couldn’t exactly question his taste. I wondered if it was wrong of me to consider it a proud father moment. I wasn’t really sure.
As we walked into the house, I put my hand on Gavin’s shoulder. “Hey, bud, can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Sure,” he said jovially, not having a clue as to what was coming.
I’d prepared a speech. I’d thought of how I could ease him into the whole dad thing, because I wanted what I said to be perfect. I wanted him to accept me and be happy about what I was going to tell him. I didn’t want to screw it up.
“Let’s go outside,” I told him, figuring we could put our feet in the pool.
We couldn’t go swimming, since his cast couldn’t get wet, but I wanted a quiet place to talk to him.
I kicked my shoes off and sat down on the pool deck, patting the spot next to me for Gavin to sit. He wasn’t wearing shoes, so he plopped down next to me and dropped his small feet into the water with a splash that made him giggle.
“I wish we could go swimming,” he said morosely.
“Me too,” I said, considering it was a thousand degrees outside with full humidity. I watched Gavin eye his cast with disdain. “It’ll only be a few more weeks before you can go swimming.”
He nodded solemnly.
“I was actually thinking that when you get your cast off, we could go swimming in the ocean.”
“That would be cool,” Gavin said blandly, drawing circles on the pool deck with his finger.
“Did I ever tell you that I broke my arm when I was a kid?” I asked him.
He shook his head.
“I did. I fell out of a tree. I had to wear a cast for eight weeks, and I hated it too. But you know what was cool, your mom and Aunt Kelsey wrote notes on my cast and they drew cool pictures. So at least my cast looked awesome.” I looked at Gavin’s cast. “It looks like you’ve gotten some love on your cast since the last time I saw you.”
He looked down at it. “Aunt Kelsey signed it, and some of my friends did too.”
“Can I sign it?” I asked him.
He looked up at me in excitement. “You want to?”
“Of course I do. You’re my best friend. I hope you saved me some room.”
He looked sheepishly at his cast.
“I’ll sign right there,” I said, pointing to a blank spot.
“You want me to get a marker?” he asked me, and I could see the excitement in his eyes.
“We’ll do it later,” I promised him. “I’m going to be here for a few days. We’ll have plenty of time for me to write you a cool message, but right now I actually want to talk to you about something.”
“Do you think Sabrina will sign it too?” he asked me, ignoring the last part of my statement.
“I definitely think she will. Hey, so can we talk about something, man to man?”
I watched his mouth quirk up at the corner in an expression that caught me off-guard. I made that same face. Talk about eerie.
“Man to man?” he questioned. “But I’m not a man.”
I ruffled his hair. “Sure you are.”
He giggled. “Nuh-uh. I’m only five and a half.”
“You’ll be six in five days. I think that’s close enough to manhood.”
“I become a man at six?” he questioned.
“Sure, why not. But rest assured that you won’t have to start shaving for another ten years or so. And trust me, that’s a good thing. It’s annoying to have to shave every day.”
That made him laugh. “Okay, we can talk like men.”
Damn, that was adorable. I realized in that moment, as I sat next to him, how much I really wanted this to work out. I rubbed my hands over my shorts nervously, buying time and saying a little prayer that Gavin would want the same thing as me.
When I looked over at him, he was looking up at me quizzically, so I figured I’d better get on with it. I could feel eyes on us and knew Kelsey and Sabrina were watching us through the sliding glass door. Time was ticking.
“Gav, what do you know about your dad?” I asked him, because I honestly had no idea what Leah had told him.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Not much. Mommy didn’t really like to talk about him.”
“Did you ever wonder where he was?”
Gavin nodded. “Yeah, I guess. But there are other kids at school who don’t have dads. I’m not the only one.”
I smiled. “You’re right. I’m sure there are a lot of kids who only have a daddy or a mommy. You remember how I told you that I only had a daddy when I was growing up, right? I lost my mommy when I was a little older than you.”
“I remember,” he said solemnly. “But you had a daddy. I don’t have one of those. But I have Aunt Kelsey. She loves me, and she’s really fun.”
Break my damn heart. Geez.
“What would you say if I told you I knew your dad and that he’s a really cool guy and he loves you a whole lot?”
Gavin looked confused. “You know him?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Gavin’s blue eyes looked stormy as he asked, “Then how come he’s never visited me? You visit me a lot. How come you never brought him with you?”
He sounded wounded, which was exactly what I’d been afraid of.
“Well, that’s a good question, Gav. He actually didn’t know he was your dad until a few weeks ago, but when he found out, he was really excited.”
Gavin narrowed his eyes at me. “Why didn’t he know?”
“That’s complicated, bud, but the point is, he loves you.”
“How can he love me if he doesn’t know me?” he asked.
He was such a smart kid. I knew he got that from Leah.
“He actually knows you.”
“He does?” he questioned in confusion. “Who is he?”
I took a deep breath. “Um, he’s me,” I said, not sure if I was handling this the right way or not.
It was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done, and I was afraid I was completely fucking it up. My prepared speech had veered off course somewhere around the second thing I’d said, and I’d been winging it since then.
Gavin blinked a few times. “You’re my dad?”
I nodded, unable to tell what he thought about that revelation. I was praying for happy. Or at least just okay with it.
“Yeah, I am, and like I said, I just found out, but I’m really excited about it. I’m hoping you are too.”
“But you’re Mommy’s friend. I thought mommies and daddies were supposed to be married. That’s what Cooper Smith told me.
“Who’s Cooper Smith?” I asked him.
“He’s in my class. He’s kind of mean. I don’t like him, but he told my friend Harley that it was bad that his mommy and daddy weren’t married. He made Harley cry.”
“Well, Gav, Cooper Smith was wrong. Mommies and daddies don’t have to be married to have kids. Your mom and I were never married.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“But it doesn’t change the fact that I loved your mom very much. She was one of my best friends. And I love you too. You’re the coolest kid I know, and now I know why.”
“Why?” he asked, looking up at me with questioning eyes.
“Because you share my DNA, and I’m really cool.”
He giggled, which I took as a good sign. “What’s DNA?”
“It’s the stuff inside you that says what color eyes and hair you’ll have and what your personality will be like. You look a lot like your mom, but you get your coolness from me. I can tell you that for sure.”
He giggled again. “You’re funny, Phillip,” he said, and I wondered if what I’d told him was sinking in at all.
“Gav, in
all seriousness, what do you think about me being your dad?” I asked, swallowing back the fear in my throat.
He looked introspective for a few seconds. “I think it’s good.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, hoping he wasn’t just saying that.
“That’s awesome. That’s what I was hoping you would say.”
“You want to be my dad?” he questioned.
I nodded. “I do. More than anything.”
His eyes narrowed. “You’ll still bring me presents when you visit, right?”
I stifled my laugh when I realized he was serious. Apparently I’d spoiled him a little too much.
“Actually, I’m not sure I’ll be visiting all that much anymore. I was sort of hoping that you might want to live with me in L.A., and then I wouldn’t just visit you. We’d see each other every day.”
“But I’m going to live at Aunt Kelsey’s house in New York,” he questioned. “She told me that last week.”
“What if Aunt Kelsey were to move to L.A. too, and the three of us could live in a big house on the beach together?”
His eyes got wide, and again I felt like I was looking in a mirror. I made that face too. Even if his eyes were Leah’s, he really did look like me.
“You have a house on the beach? That’s awesome!”
“It is pretty awesome,” I told him. “And I’d love for you to come live there. What do you think?”
I watched him turn toward the house and followed his gaze to see Kelsey and Sabrina still watching us. Gavin motioned for Kelsey to come outside.
“What’s up, Gav?” she asked him when she joined us.
“Phillip wants us to move to his beach house in L.A. Can we do it?”
Kelsey laughed. “If you want to, we can.”
“I want to!” Gavin practically yelled.
“So did Phillip tell you his other news?” she asked as she took a seat beside him.
Gavin nodded. “He said he’s my daddy.”
“And do you understand what that means?”
“Yeah,” he said, as if it were really as simple it seemed.
“How do you feel about him being your daddy?”
He grinned. “I think it’s awesome! Phillip’s the coolest. If we move to his house, we can play video games all the time, and we can go swimming and skateboard. It’ll be the best!”
I wasn’t sure he was truly grasping what was happening. Maybe he was too young to understand. But then he threw his arms around my waist and looked up at me.
“Phillip?”
“Yeah, bud?”
“I love you.”
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Those were the best words he could have said. It wasn’t like he hadn’t said them before, but now they just seemed different. They held so much more meaning, and they were exactly what I needed to hear.
“I love you too, Gav,” I said, hugging him back.
I looked over at Sabrina to see that she was smiling. It was all very happy and familial, and I realized that it was one of the first real family moments I’d had since my mom died. We might have been a makeshift family, but what we had was more real than anything I’d ever had with my own dad. Gavin was right. It was good.
We spent the rest of the day hanging out at home, reading comics and watching movies, since due to Gavin’s cast, swimming, skateboarding, guitar playing and video games were all out of the question. But it was a good day, and Gavin laughed a lot. That was all that mattered to me.
Then that night we all went out to dinner. I figured it was the last peaceful night we’d have, since Katherine was going to release a statement to the media the next day. Things were going to get crazy for a little while, and I hated that I was going to be away from Kelsey and Gavin when they did, but he had to finish school.
Continuity was important for him, so we decided to let him finish the year at his current school. Then in June, he and Kelsey were going to move into the house I’d bought in L.A. I wasn’t sure how the media was going to respond or how Gavin’s life might be affected when he was living in Ft. Lauderdale, but I was going to hire a bodyguard to be with him and Kelsey at all times, just in case. I wasn’t taking any chances.
When it was time for Gavin to go to bed, I walked him to his room and let him pick out a book for me to read to him. He said he didn’t want to read a book. He wanted to hear the story of how I’d met his mommy. So I told him.
After I was done, he looked up at me with wide blue eyes and said, “Do you want me to call you Dad?”
“Do you want to call me that?” I asked him, putting the ball back in his court.
“I don’t know.”
“How about this? How about you call me Phillip, just like you always have, and maybe in time, if you want, you can call me Dad. What do you think?”
Gavin looked introspective as he said, “I like that.”
“I like it too. You know I’ve known you your whole life, right?”
He nodded, looking sleepy.
“I even held you the day you were born. You were really little. Sometimes it’s hard to believe you were ever that small.”
“Because I’m so big now,” he said logically.
I laughed. “Yup, that’s right. But do you remember what you called me when you were first learning to talk?”
He shook his head.
“You called me Phip, because you couldn’t say my name.”
He giggled. “That’s a funny name.”
“Your mom thought so. She used to tease me and call me that.”
“Can I call you Phip now?” he asked around his giggles.
“I’d rather you not.”
“Okay,” he said resignedly, but I could tell he wasn’t really upset.
“Good night, bud,” I said, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Phillip,” he called out to me as I stood from the bed and turned toward the door.
I looked back over my shoulder at him. “Yeah?”
“I think I want to call you Dad. That way I’ll be just like the other kids.”
A warm feeling spread across my chest as he said that. I’d never known it would be like that, but this kid was a master at melting away any hardness that had settled into my chest years earlier.
“I think that’ll be pretty cool, Gav,” I told him, trying to push past the thickness in my throat.
He grinned. “Goodnight, Dad.”
As he said that one simple word, a title I’d never had a desire to possess, I felt a calmness come over me. It was a word I’d hated for a long time, but now that it held a different meaning, it was the best word I’d ever heard.
It was like ‘I love you’. I’d almost loathed that phrase because I’d heard it so rarely growing up. I was annoyed that other people tossed it around as if it was the easiest thing in the world to say, when for me those were three of the hardest words I could ever utter. But then I’d fallen in love, and I knew why people said that phrase so flippantly. It was because they meant it, and when you loved someone, the words became so easy to say.
“Love you, Gav,” I told him as I flipped off his light.
“Love you too,” he called back to me.
Epilogue
Phillip
“Phillip, you recently became a father when you assumed custody of your son, Gavin. What has that been like for you – being a father, touring, and making this new album that we’re all dying to hear?”
“It’s been great,” I said concisely, knowing I couldn’t snap at the interviewer like I really wanted to do.
We were on a live morning news show, so I had to maintain my composure, but I could also avoid giving her what she wanted. As soon as I said the words, she knew I wasn’t going to give her any more. She’d been warned that certain topics were off-limits, but just like other reporters I’d encountered since my news about Gavin had broken six months earlier she wanted to see what she could get out of me. And just like all the others, she wasn’t ge
tting much.
She smiled politely at me. “Well, he certainly is a cute kid, and we definitely see the resemblance.”
“Thank you,” I told her.
She turned back to the camera that was filming us on the stage that had been set up on the street in Times Square. Fans stretched back as far as I could see, pushing up against the barriers and braving the frigid November cold. We had heaters on the stage that helped, and we’d only come outside a few minutes earlier, but most of the fans had been waiting to see us for hours, having arrived long before the sun had come up. They were nothing if not dedicated.
“In just a few minutes, Westside will be performing live on this very stage,” the reporter said, and in response, the crowd went nuts. “But before we let them loose to perform Taking Chances, the title track from their new album that launches in two weeks, we have one more very important question for them.”
The crowd cheered loudly as she turned back to us, and I steeled myself for what she would ask. I had a feeling I knew what was coming. We’d held off making any proclamations about what the future held until after our album was finished. Our fans knew our contract was up at the end of the year, and rumors had been flying since our tour had officially ended a month earlier. They wanted to hear that we were staying together as a band, and that the album we were currently promoting wouldn’t be our last. They wanted to know that we were going to tour the following year. They wanted the assurance that Westside wasn’t going anywhere.
And since we’d been relatively absent from the music scene for the past month, taking some much needed time off after our time on the road, the chatter had increased tenfold. There was definite speculation that we were going to break up, because our fans knew we were taking time off to work on other projects, like the movie Cam and Dillon were set to start shooting in three weeks, or for me, simply taking some time off to be a father to Gavin. For a while, everything had seemed up in the air for Westside, and we’d held off on making any formal announcements.
But as a band we’d made the decision to give it at least one more year. We would do one more tour, make one more album after this one, and have one more chance to see how far we could take Westside. Our sound was evolving, and since I’d gotten involved in the songwriting process, I loved the direction we were heading. In the contract extension meeting we’d had a month earlier, having a voice had actually been one of our sticking points. We’d wanted more control and more say in the music we put out. We got lucky that the powers that be agreed to our demands, and I was more than excited to start thinking about our next album.
Westside Series Box Set Page 115