Miss Darcy's Diversions

by Ronald McGowan

She proudly indicated a small door underneath the side of the staircase, and opened it to reveal an unfamiliar arrangement of pipes and porcelain.

  “There! Have you ever seen anything like that before? Mr Bramah’s patent water closet, all waste flushed straight away. No night soil men here, you see.”

  There was really no answer to be made to that, beyond the customary honorarium, so we turned back into the room we had left their lordships, just in time to hear Lord Tartington say –

  “Really, father, how can you have thought that I should be able to bring Lady Henrietta to this house, where on every side her eyes will be met with such indecent, positively lascivious images fit only for Sodom and Gomorrah?”

  “Might buck her ideas up if she did, my boy, and there might be some grandsons around at last for me to spoil.”

  “Well, I positively decline to move in here. Something else will have to be found. But here is Mr Darcy and Miss Darcy. I am so sorry that you should have been subjected to this ordeal, Mr Darcy. I must apologise to you especially, Miss Darcy, and beg your forgiveness for your shocking exposure to such unseemly decorations.”

  “Think nothing of it, my Lord,” I replied. “I have seen putti before, and bare bosoms, too. There is no shortage of them about Pemberley, on the walls and ceilings, that is, where they are art, and therefore perfectly acceptable to the educated viewer.”

  “It distresses me more than I can say, Miss Darcy, to hear you speak like that, and to be obliged to lower my opinion of you and your brother. I must beg you to permit me to withdraw. We shall speak of this again tomorrow, father, when we are both more at leisure. Mr Darcy, Miss Darcy, your servant.”

  “Take no notice of him,” the old gentleman consoled us. “He’s been like that ever since he took up with those confounded Mortons and married their unspeakable daughter. But tell me, Darcy, what d’ye think of the place? Will it do?”

  “Well, to tell you the truth, my lord…”

  “Oh, don’t start like that. When somebody says ‘to tell the truth’, it usually means he’s about to tell a lie, and I think to highly of you, young Darcy, as your father’s son, to want think you untruthful.”

  “Well, the fact is that I doubt very much if I can afford an establishment of this size.”

  “Oh, take it off my hands, won’t you, to please an old friend of your father. It’s taken for the season now, and paid for, and I can’t get rid of it. I’m not asking for money, just the assurance that it has been taken by a gentleman.”

  “If I were even to consider, such a thing, duke, it would only be at a fair rent. I thank you very much for your offer, sir, but I do not choose to be beholden to anyone.”

  “Oh, hoity toity! But there you are then. I’ll get my people to speak to your people, and we can sort something out. You’re with Twysse, Daley, are you not?”

  “It’s Twysse, Daley and Knightley now sir. Old Twysse is thinking of retiring and they have taken on a new partner. My affairs are dealt with by Mr John Knightley.”

  “Well, that’s settled, then. Let the lawyers and surveyors and such argue it all out. Would Monday be convenient for moving in? I must go now as I am expected at the House, but you will let me know, will you not?”

  A servant appearing as if by magic at this juncture, although he must have been summoned by some hidden bell, we found ourselves shown out and standing on the street before either of us could think of another word to say.

  Lots of words occurred to us then, of course.

  “Well,” said Fitzwilliam,” I think we may just have found ourselves a mansion in Mayfair.”

  “It is far too big for us. We should rattle about in it like peas in a pod.”

  “You like it, though, do you not?”

  “Oh, it is a fine house, but it is far too big. How should we manage?”

  “There is no ‘we’ in the question, my pet. It is for a London establishment for you that we are searching, so that you may have your season as fittingly as may be.”

  “All the more reason, then. How could I manage such a vast, great place?”

  “Pemberley is larger, and, as I said just now, you are its mistress, you know, at least until I marry.”

  “Then I hope that you will marry as soon as possible, for the responsibility is far too great for me. But, tell me, since I was never properly introduced. Who was that very talkative old gentleman? You claim old acquaintance, but I have no recollection of the assault upon his person you describe, nor of ever having laid eyes upon him before.”

  “That was our neighbour on the Macclesfield side, his Grace the Duke of Bedlingtonshire. He was in and out of Pemberley often when our father was alive, but you were mostly at Lady Catherine’s. He was at our father’s funeral, but you will not remember him. I do not believe you met, apart from the endless receiving line.”

  “But, in all seriousness, Fitzwilliam, it will be far too dear.”

  “It may be, but, if so, we are at liberty to look elsewhere. I shall speak to Knightley about it, and tell him to have it properly surveyed and to drive a hard bargain. If His Grace is so very keen to get it off his hands, he can meet my price.”

  “In the mean time, what do you say to returning to Grosvenor Street by way of Parmentier’s? If their handbills are to be credited, there every article is perfected in the true Parisian style of excellence. You find eau de Cologne, pâte de guimauve, cachou à la rose, cachou à l’orange et à la violette, and papillottes avec devises There are also to be had preserves and conserves, wet and dry, jellies, jams, coloured transparent pastes, fruits dried or preserved in French brandies, comfits, lozenges, drops of every colour and flavour, superior macaroons, and rout cakes of the most fanciful forms, with ices and creams.”

  “A rout cake of a most fanciful form sounds a very good idea to me. Lead on, big brother.”

  I saw little of Fitzwilliam during the afternoon, when he was closeted with the lawyers somewhere behind the Inns of Court.

  I did not want for company, however. Mr Bingley sat with me for a while, smiling and smirking and talking inconsequentially but pleasantly enough. I can see why Fitzwilliam values him. He is a sort of male Harriet Smith, essentially a tabula rasa ready to absorb opinions and impressions from whoever he has contact with. The difference is that while Harriet Smith was, and, I assume, still is, completely ignorant, there are traces of both learning and original thought behind Mr Bingley’s modest demeanour, and I think he might well improve upon further acquaintance.

  I wish I could say the same of Miss Bingley. Her brother took the opportunity to make his excuses and leave upon her entrance as, ‘you girls will wish to chatter undisturbed’.

  Chatter would have been one thing. Listening to Miss Bingley’s list of excuses and admonishments was quite another.

  “It is such a shame, Miss Darcy, that we have seen so little of one another since your arrival.”

  Mr Darcy is such a great friend of my brother’s – in fact he is such a great friend of both of us – that I naturally look forward with great eagerness to becoming better acquainted with his sister.”

  “I am so sorry that Lady Frome has taken up so much of my time these last few days, so that I have not had the opportunity to take you in hand. But all that shall change, I promise you, my dear. We shall have such fun together, for you will be staying with us for such a long time yet, will you not, while you find your own house? We shall be able to do something about those awful, provincial dresses, and have your hair dressed properly and, oh, do all sorts of things. By the end of the month you will be quite fit to be seen about town.”

  “As to that,” I could not help replying, “I will always be grateful for your help and hospitality, Miss Bingley, but I fear I will not be able to indulge myself in the very great pleasure of imposing upon it much longer, for, as we speak, my brother is with the lawyers arranging for the lease of a property we inspected this morning.”

  “Oh, my poor, dear Georgiana, how charmingly naïve you are. You are s
till very young, you know, and quite unversed in the ways of the world. I console myself that we shall have the pleasure of your company here some weeks yet. These transactions take time, you know, and have you ever known a lawyer to hurry?”

  “I can only bow to your superior knowledge of commercial transactions, Miss Bingley. Tell me, my dear Caroline, was your father a draper or a cobbler? I can never remember precisely which it was, but I can remember the Duke this morning pressing us to move in next week and leave the details to be sorted out later.”

  The mutual expressions of mixed delight and regret which followed, with varying degrees of sincerity, lasted us until the return of the gentlemen.

  They returned together, Fitzwilliam having fallen in with Mr Bingley while crossing the Green Park.

  “I was admiring the scene,” said Mr Bingley, “but it would not do for your brother that I should merely admire it. I must be told all its history, too, and that of the Temple of Peace, destroyed by fire during a performance of one of Mr Handel’s works in the last age. You are a prodigious learned family, you Darcy’s, are you not?”

  “It is kind of you to say so, Mr Bingley,” I replied, “and kinder still not to object to our habit of spreading our learning about so readily, whether it is wanted or not. It must be tedious at times.”

  “Nothing you might say, Miss Darcy, could ever be tedious, and as for your brother, well, he is such a great, tall fellow that I should never dream of objecting.”

  “But what is this, Mr Darcy,” put in his sister, “that dear Georgiana tells me, of your being like to leave us so soon? There must be some mistake, surely?”

  “I do not know precisely what my sister may have told you, Miss Bingley, but it is true that we encountered an old neighbour on our walk this morning, and he put us in the way of engaging a very suitable residence at advantageous terms.”

  “But, surely, you cannot propose to leave us at the end of this week, as Miss Darcy appears to believe?”

  “Perhaps not quite so soon. I am just come from the lawyers, and their work is progressing, and, all being well, I expect to sign the papers by the end of this week. There will still be the little matter of furniture to be attended to, but the end of next week might see us settled in. I believe we are of one mind on the decoration, are we not, Georgiana?”

  “I could not wish for better. I might have thought differently before Lord Tartington expressed his opinion of it, and of me, so eloquently, but now I would not change it for worlds. But what shall we do for the furniture? Shall we send to Pemberley?”

  “To bring our own furniture down would take weeks, and cost more than buying new. And in fact there is no need to buy at all. You are in London, remember. There are tradesmen here will do all that for you. All you need to do is tell them how many rooms and of what type, what sort of style you wish, and when you want to be ready. Everything else is done magically by the power of money.”

  It is fashionable to despise that power, I know, but I have felt its benefits all my life, and mixed with those who did not have that advantage, and I know the difference it makes. The difference it made this time was remarkable indeed. The only trouble I need give myself was to tell my brother something which hardly needed telling, namely, that I trusted his taste and good sense, and all was done for me. A mere week after breaking the news to ‘dear Caroline’, I found myself inspecting my new drawing room.

  “I am amazed!” I exclaimed. “A week ago this was a bare, dusty shambles, and now, everything fitted up in the latest taste, furniture sparkling as if new – are you sure that this is only hired, Fitzwilliam, it shows no signs of having been used before? Is all the house like this? If it is, what fun we shall have living here, the two of us.”

  “It cannot be just the two of us, you know. The world does not work like that.”

  “Oh! Of course, we will need servants, and I must set about engaging them, let me see, we will need a butler, a housekeeper, a cook, a footman, the usual chambermaids and kitchen maids, I assume you will bring Mason for your manservant, and Jemima shall come with me. Oh! We will need a gardener, too, I quite forgot about the garden, and he will want his garden boy, and….”

  “Before you engage the whole of London,” laughed Fitzwilliam, “permit me to inform you that the servants are all arranged, and will move in on Saturday to make the place ready. You are of course, free to dismiss any you find to be unsatisfactory. You are to be mistress of the household, after all. This establishment I have created especially for you, so that you may have your own place in London, and need not be beholden to anyone else.”

  “But it will not do for the two of us to live here alone, an unmarried lady and a single gentleman.”

  “For goodness sake, Fitzwilliam, we are brother and sister!”

  “So were Lord Byron and Mrs Leigh, and look what was said about them.”

  “London society is not the same as Derbyshire, my pet. There will always be those who are ready to spread malicious rumours. You must have a companion, a chaperone cum factotum.”

  “With your aunt’s help, I have compiled a list of suitable candidates for the position, and the first one is expected at any minute to be interviewed. In fact, that ring at the door is probably her now. Since we have no servants as yet, I shall have to perform the function of doorman myself. While I do so, and while I speak to the lady, why do you not look around the house and see that everything is to your satisfaction.”

  “And am I to have no say in choosing this person who is to be my watchdog?”

  “I fancy she will be more like your lapdog before long, and of course yours must be the final decision. There are questions I should like to ask the lady without interruption, however, boring legal stuff to do with contracts and such, and I fear for my train of thought if I have to deal with two ladies at once.”

  “Meaning, keep out of my way, Georgiana, until I want you, I suppose? I can take a hint, brother mine, and shall do just that until you are ready. But I warn you, I shall have no mercy when my turn comes to cross swords with this paragon.”

  So I wandered about the house, leaving him to his men’s work. Furnished, it looked much smaller and more manageable, more like a house and less like a vast, empty palazzo.

  When I had done I went and sat in the drawing room and stared at the garden. I had not long to stare, however, before Fitzwilliam came into the room, accompanied by a very fashionably-dressed lady whom, while she was obviously several years older than I, it was still possible to call young. The third finger of her left hand, however, bore the gold ring which makes all the difference between a young miss on her debut and a respectable married lady, or, as in this case, widow.

  “This is Mrs Younge,” he said. “Mrs Younge, may I introduce my sister, Miss Darcy?”

  “Mrs Younge” he continued, “comes to us warmly recommended, by Lady Catherine, of course, but also by many other prominent figures in society, several of whom, I believe, have actually met her, and one or two have even had the advantage of being her employers.

  The subject of his speech simpered in a way I can only assume she thought becoming.

  “Oh, Mr Darcy,” she said, in an oily, unctuous voice, “what a wit you are, to be sure! I can see that I shall have to beware of that tongue of yours.”

  I was not so very innocent that the thought of the traditional liaison between governess/companion and employer had not crossed my mind, but this speech totally removed any suspicions I might have harboured of a mistress being installed in the household under that guise. I knew my brother better than that, and credited him with far better taste.

  I now found myself addressed by this apparition, however.

  “What a very charming young creature you are, my dear. Quite, quite charming. I am sure we shall be great friends. Great, great friends. I shall call you Georgiana, my dear, and you must call me Ethalia.”

  She was as good as her word, too, although it pains me to admit it.

  From that moment on it was “
Georgiana this,” “Georgiana that,” from morning to night, and “Georgiana, dear,” or even “Georgiana, darling,” from one day’s end to the next.

  I never got so far as to return the compliment, let alone the ‘dears’ and ‘darlings’. For one thing, I could never bring myself to take kindly to being called a ‘creature’, as if I were some dog or rat or cockroach who had crawled in off the street. That one word, combined with her gushing tone, was really all it took to make me vow never to make a friend of this stranger.

  For another, I could not persuade myself to believe that such a name as ‘Ethalia’ actually existed, and that my new companion had not made it up herself.

  ‘Thalia’ certainly was a name, the name of one of the Ancient Greek Muses, although which one I have no idea. I can never tell one from t’other. ‘Athalia’ has a certain history, too, particularly as the French ‘Athalie’. Both Monsieur Racine’s play and Mr Handel’s oratorio, written just around the corner in the last age, bear witness to that. And I believe it originally came from the Bible. But ‘Ethalia’ ? I could not bring myself to believe in it, and finally decided in my heart that her real name must be ‘Ethel’, and that she had altered it in the hope of giving herself more consequence.

  We dealt well enough with one another, however, once we had each got used to the other’s little ways, and she did prove invaluable in juggling the many engagements which very soon came my way.

  Chapter Thirteen : A London Season

  I know not by what magic these things spread, but I had scarce been in residence in Marlborough Street for a whole day before cards started to be left.

  Most of them turned out to be from old school or university friends of Fitzwilliam, but there were many among them unknown to either of us.

  They were not, however, unknown to Miss Bingley, as she explained when she became our first actual caller.

  “Oh, yes, my dear, we have told all our friends, and you may be sure you will not lack for callers with such a recommendation. It is rather awkward, with your not actually being out, but a new face is such a godsend at this stage of the season that everyone will flock to visit. You need have no fears of society not acknowledging your proper place with me to guide you.”