Anna

by Sammy H. K. Smith

  “I see yer every morning Katie, standing in the water with yer shoes in yer hand, staring at yer feet. Makes me chuckle it does, I should be asking you if yer okay, yer soft city kitten.”

  Keeping my face impassive I stared at him until he glanced my way. His face dropped and the wrinkles deepened and the concern spread. He started to speak, but I interrupted.

  “Meow.”

  “Oh yer tease.” He leant against his shovel and finished his cigarette. I invited him to Hayley’s birthday party and watched as he ground the butt into the earth and coughed.

  “Sounds fun, I can bring yer some squash, it goes out of date next month and it’d be best to use it up.”

  “Make sure you invite the boys for me, Tom. They’re more than welcome, but tell them I don’t want to hear their god-awful singing at the party. My ears will bleed.”

  Over the next two days I prepared for Hayley’s party. In the library I had drawn up a list of her friends. I didn’t doubt I’d forgotten some and hoped that there was no one important missing. Each time someone brought me a book, I cross-checked them against my list and invited them. Thirty-three so far: that was a lot of cake.

  “Kate, isn’t it?” I looked up and nodded at the young woman standing in the door. With a lovely, wonky smile she strode over to my desk, swinging two canvas bags as she approached.

  “I’ve brought you a present,” she declared theatrically, dropping the bags on my ledger and pulling out book after book. “Some of these are truly terrible, cheap trashy reads, but there are some good thrillers in here.” Her southern accent warmed my insides.

  “Oh, thank you.”

  “That’s okay. I’ve got some more kiddy books at my home, but I’m taking those to the school.”

  “School?” I looked up from the books with interest. She grinned again, her slightly crooked teeth displayed.

  “When I heard you’d started up the library, I went to the Henleys and told them we should look at re-opening the school, or at least a classroom somewhere. There’s thirty kids here, none of them learning.”

  She continued to talk about her ideas. She needed a space to teach: somewhere open, bright, and welcoming. Her hair flew around her face as she spoke and her mannerisms reminded me of Hayley. Knowledge. The one thing that could never be taken away from them. I mused, recalling my own education and the joy of learning and reading. We had all lost so much, but not our education. She was right. The children were our future and they deserved our best, whatever our circumstance. I rubbed my bump absently.

  “What about here? In the library?” As the words left my mouth, I regretted them. My refuge, my own little place, would soon be overrun.

  “Are you sure?” She looked at me in excitement. “Really? Oh God! I bet you thought I was hinting, didn’t you? I wasn’t, but that would be great.” There was a long and awkward silence. I heard the workmen down the road; they were singing again. “I’m Nikky, by the way, sorry, God, I didn’t even introduce myself.”

  She held out her hand and I stared at it for a moment before reaching out and grasping it. The skin was cool and soft, nothing like how I expected: I still didn’t touch her for long and after I let go, I fought the urge to wipe away the sensation from my own skin.

  “There’s a party at the Stentons tomorrow afternoon, would you like to come?” I don’t know why I asked.

  Nodding and grinning, Nikky took down the address and then left, promising to bring fairy cakes. Had I made a friend? I sat back down and stared at the new additions, and struggled to wipe the smile from my face.

  I was hot, sweaty and tired – but I had baked three sponge cakes, put together a collection of sandwiches, and scrubbed the kitchen.

  I balanced on the sideboard and the back support of a dining chair and pinned the 40th banner into the coving. I giggled as I imagined the horror on Hayley’s face if she saw me. Kate! What are you doing? Think of the baby! I heard her panicked voice in my head and, typically, nearly toppled over. I climbed down and looked around the living room. Multi-coloured ribbons and decorations covered all the walls, the banner hung low – albeit wonky – and screamed ‘happy birthday’ in bright, bold lettering.

  Yet there was something missing. I ran my fingers over the glass framed pictures of Hayley and Glen covering one of the walls. Presents. But what could I give her? I had nothing. Hayley wouldn’t be interested in presents… would she? Doubt filled me, and I found myself wandering around the house aimlessly as I desperately tried to think of something to give her. There was nothing. I hoped she wouldn’t be upset that I had nothing for her. I couldn’t relax, and brushed my hair and massaged my bump; staring at the unfamiliar curve of my stomach in my bedroom mirror with a fastidious interest.

  “Kate, are you in?” Nikky. I ran down the stairs. The back door was open and the cool breeze swept through the house, bringing with it the nauseating smell of fresh fish. It was two p.m. The fishing boats would be coming back to shore soon.

  “Sorry, was I interrupting?” She pulled Tupperware boxes full of cakes out of her canvas bag. “I brought these as well.” Shooting me a sly, excited look she pulled back a tea towel and a huge red jelly wobbled at me.

  “It’s great.” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten jelly. It must have been at least a decade. “Thanks, Nikky.”

  “Do you need a hand with anything?”

  I shook my head and led her into the huge living room where the rest of the cakes and food were on display.

  “Holy moly! You did all this?” She stared at the rows of sandwiches, full of tinned paté and fresh tomatoes, and others with homemade fruit jam.

  “Yes.”

  “You’re good.” She beamed at me: I mirrored her expression, and, as she walked around the room gasping at the decorations, my earlier doubts washed away. Hayley would be pleased.

  “Right then.” She clapped her hands together in glee. “Where’s the wine?”

  Over the next hour the guests arrived and I played the part of hostess.

  “Katie, yer look blooming.” Tom’s gravelly voice cut across the chatter and he stood by the kitchen door smoking a cigarette, his eyes flitting from the ocean to me. “Looks grand in there, dun’ a good job girl.”

  He’d caught three crabs that morning, more than he had caught in a long time. It was a sign, he proclaimed theatrically, because it was Hayley’s birthday – he would present her with a crab.

  Mr and Mr Henley walked up the small gravelled path at the back of the house towards us. Deven was carrying a brightly coloured box, Mr Henley – Roger – hooked his arm in his husband’s and nodded warmly to me.

  “Thank you for the invite, Kate.” Deven Henley looked me up and down and then smiled: it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m not sure we’ve been introduced properly. I’m Deven or Dev, but please, not Dev-on.” They stood in the doorway, blocked by Tom who refused to move. An awkward silence followed.

  “Tom, can you please take these into the other room?” I picked up a small bowl of boiled sweets and, grudgingly, he flicked his cigarette butt onto the stones and took the dish from my hands, shooting unhappy glares at the Henleys.

  “When does the birthday girl arrive?” Deven walked into the kitchen, followed by his husband, and placed the box on the table.

  “Shortly, they’re due back in about twenty minutes. Would you like a drink?” Flicking the kettle on, I tried to busy myself, not knowing what to say.

  “Actually, I’ll get some prosecco.” Deven touched his husband’s arm before walking away; he didn’t look back.

  “I’d love some tea.” Roger watched his husband leave and then turned to me. “It’s been a while since I’ve been here, Glen’s done a lot to the place. Have you got running water yet?”

  “Not yet. The electricity is sorted and the insulation, but Glen said something about a pump and a UV filter for the water, I’m not sure exactly.”

  After making him a drink, he thanked me and wandered into the living room. Hayle
y’s laughter down the path grew louder.

  “Kate, what’s going on? Why’s the door open? You must be freezing!” She continued to laugh as she stumbled in the doorway, grabbing Glen and pulling him close. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck. “Can I hear voices?”

  Glen gently pushed her into the living room: there was a squeal in delight, and a roar of laughter and cheers from the guests erupted. Everyone crowded around her, like moths to my flame-haired guardian angel.

  I played hostess for a while, making sure tea and wine kept flowing. I was just refilling the kettle for the fifth time when a dark figure at the edge of my vision caught my attention. Deven and Simon stood by the stairs and spoke in low voices: I couldn’t hear what they said, but Simon wasn’t happy. Deven kept trying to move but Simon’s huge frame blocked his and he gently touched his arm. Deven’s gaze flicked from his husband to the head Enforcer. Just as Simon’s murmur grew louder, the stereo blared and their whispers were drowned in a sea of pop music. The young Mr Henley leaned closer to him, and he turned and scowled at me before storming away and out of the house. I flinched as he went past.

  The music pounded through the room: I vaguely recognised the band and the beat from a long time ago.

  “Kate, come and dance with me.” Nikky pulled at my arms. Instinctively I pulled back and hugged myself. “Oh, sorry.” She let go and continued to bounce by my side. “C’mon Kate, this is a great song.”

  “I can’t dance,” I mumbled, and shook my head. “I’ll look like an excited hippo.”

  “Oh don’t be silly, you’re pregnant, not fat, and there’s nothing to you anyway. Dance with me, please?” She paused for a second. “I’ll stop bugging you if you dance for one song. I’ll even get Tom to dance.”

  We both looked over to where he stood eating sandwich after sandwich, nodding his head to the music, but woefully out of time.

  “Dance with Tom first, then I’ll dance with you.”

  “Promise?”

  I hesitated, and then replied: “Promise.”

  With a bounce, Nikky danced to Tom and I watched as she cajoled him into leaving the sandwiches and stepping to the small space in the centre of the room. He flailed his arms around and started to rotate his hips like a professional. Hayley joined them, and then Glen: soon the room was dancing.

  I headed over to Deven Henley who stood by the stairs, alone and apprehensive, rubbing his left forearm.

  “Are you all right?”

  Looking up, he frowned. “Of course I am, I just have a small headache, Simon had some pills to help.” He grabbed the nearest bottle of wine and filled his glass up again. “You look rather beautiful, Kate. How far along are you?”

  “Seven months, thereabouts, maybe a little more according to the doctor.”

  “I run a small social group every Tuesday and Thursday evenings. We discuss books, sewing, gardening, anything wholesome.” He took a deep glug, the corner of his lip curling upwards and his eyes creasing. “We like to think of it as a new women’s institute.” His smile reached his eyes at his own joke. “I’d love for you come and join us, you and Nikky.”

  I sat down on the stairs. I didn’t want to go to a social club, I didn’t want to discuss sewing, or gardening, nor did I want to sit in a circle discussing the trivialities of our town: but instead of declining, I found myself nodding and agreeing to provide a cake for Tuesday. He chatted, describing how he had come to the town just over a year ago and married Mr Henley six months later. He was from the mid-country, was a year older than me and used to be a part-time legal representative and maths tutor. He wanted to know about my life and as I hesitated, a crash from the table caught our attention: one of the Enforcers’ wives had fallen to the floor, one hand clutching a beer bottle and the other grasping at the tablecloth, slowly pulling the food down with her. Downing his beer and balancing the bottle on the shelving unit, her husband pulled her up in one fluid movement. I watched as he gripped her arm tightly, digging his fingers into the soft flesh, all the time laughing and joking with his friends and ignoring his swaying and sobbing wife.

  I stood to go to her, but Simon strode into the room from the kitchen. I hadn’t noticed him return. He grabbed his Enforcer’s black jacket by the collar, murmured into his ear and left again, without looking at anyone else. The couple followed, the wife stumbling as she was dragged. The chatter closed around them again as if nothing had happened.

  Nikky was chatting to a young builder, flicking her hair and laughing coquettishly, but he scoured the room and his gaze stopped at the sofa where three of Hayley’s friends were laughing and giggling, two bottles of wine on the floor by their feet, and a third on the windowsill – all empty. The young builder strode over and pulled one of the women up to her feet and started to dance with her.

  I held my breath, glancing at Nikky, and then exhaled. She’d moved onto the next builder and this one grinned and engaged with her banter. I cast my eyes around the rest of the room. Glen was busy chatting to several of his friends while Hayley stood desperately trying to wipe red wine out of her white top, cloth in one hand, a slice of cake in the other.

  “Excuse me.” I walked away without waiting for Deven to reply, and went to the kitchen. The back door was open and as I stood outside and leaned against the kitchen window, I stared up at the dark grey sky and enjoyed the silence.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Closing the book in front of me I shook my head and sat back. It was morning, and I had read all night: it was nearly six a.m. Walking softly downstairs, the morning light was just filtering through the curtains. I flicked through the chore and trade ledger on the kitchen worktop as the kettle boiled. Hayley had agreed to work for the Mallorys for twenty hours this week in exchange for a share of a pig. Already my mouth watered at the thought of bacon. Looking further in the diary, week by week the trades petered off as summer approached, and instead certain days were circled and kept clear. I’d ask her about it later.

  On the doorstep I watched the sunrise across the water, the coffee mug cooling in my hand. We were on the very last container. I never thought freeze dried coffee from the army base would taste as good as it did, and I’d miss it when it was gone. As the light got stronger, I couldn’t see Tom at the pools, but it was a Tuesday and he liked to write on a Tuesday. The boats were out already, getting earlier and earlier and bringing back more and more. My stomach rolled at the thought: fish was the only smell that stirred up pregnancy nausea, and yet I now lived by the ocean. The brightly coloured sails clashed and waved in the wind. I liked the blues and reds: they matched the beach huts. A lot of the town was coloured: pink, cream and blue render on the old buildings that wound around and up the incline. The brightly coloured buildings lifted the fishing town out of the grey haze and into a rainbow.

  “Morning, Kate.” Glen poured a mug of coffee and indicated to me.

  “No thanks, morning though. You good?” I walked back into the kitchen and started cooking as he murmured his reply. Each day that went by I found it easier to talk to him.

  Hayley followed, the smell of ginger and coconut followed her into the room and I inhaled deeply, savouring the smell for as long as I could. We worked in unison, Hayley toasting muffins and washing the sides while I plated up. Glen sat reading and occasionally offering to help as usual, but Hayley poured him a fresh mug and fussed around him. He rolled his eyes and muttered protestations, but she ignored him. It made me giggle.

  “We’re having some friends over tonight, bit of a social thing, we used to try and do it monthly but things have been hectic recently, what with the nicer weather and regeneration of the town. Glen and I thought we’d start it back up, after my party I realised just how much I missed it.”

  “Do you want me to go out?” I thought about sitting in the library and working my way through my mental list of books, and relished the thought.

  “No, not at all! I was inviting you along, silly.”

  “Oh.” I paused. “Sure, t
hat would be great.”

  After they left I cleaned the house for the rest of the morning. Each wipe of the cloth gave me purpose and pushed away the tiredness. I could sleep later that afternoon before guests arrived. Once I’d finished, I walked slowly along the path into the town to the northern sector, the place where the bombs had been relentless – even in this small town – and the place where the schools and the hospital once stood. A fire was already burning in the centre: I knew what the flames eagerly consumed, and grimaced. Hayley stood by a chest of drawers, sorting out clothes and bedding. Deven was standing and laughing at her side, dressed as beautifully as ever in a long-sleeved loose kaftan and skinny jeans; as he caught my gaze, he beckoned to me.

  “We were just talking about you, Kate.” Smiling, he made eye contact with Hayley and my chest hurt. Laughing? I swallowed and started to help fold the clothes: they smelt of decay, of dirt, and of death.

  “We think it’s lovely that you’re letting Nikky set up a school in the library.”

  “I’m not really letting her,” I mumbled quickly and they looked at one another, confused. “I mean, it’s not my library, it’s everyone’s. It makes sense is all.”

  “It’s good.” Deven nodded, I got the feeling he was patronising me again, but there was nothing I could say. They talked on, gossiping and whispering about the other wives and townspeople: the doctor’s daughter had been found wandering the streets last night wearing nothing but her robe and carrying a bin liner full of old newspapers and costume jewellery. The Enforcers and her father had taken her away, but not before the news had spread. I think her name was Amy, she was young, only twenty and very sweet. She ran the animal shelter with two of her friends and re-homed those she could. I’d seen her around and meant to ask her if there were any cats suitable for me. I tried not to think of my Oscar.