“Do you have a moment?” Deven asked, indicating the back door as he poured another glass of wine and I nodded.
As we stood outside, he drank deeply, his dark eyes thoughtful. The moonlight bounced off his cheekbones and accentuated his beauty.
“Thank you for not saying anything about Simon and me.”
I nodded, not wanting to be drawn into the games, but he took my hand and kissed it, his eyes glazed.
“He’s taken care of me and he loves me. He knows about Roger’s rages, of course, but I’ve begged him not to say anything.” He continued to drink and talk as I wrapped myself in a cardigan.
“I never thought I’d be accepted for who I am, but it’s different here. Gentler than out there, you know?” he paused for a moment. “Yeah, you know.” He was more astute than I realised.
“I really need to go, baby needs rest.” I didn’t want this conversation, not yet.
Chapter Twenty
I spent two mornings with Alan, suffered two meetings of the social club, and taught the older children on three of the five weekday afternoons. Tom and I met for tea and lunch on Friday and whilst drinking tea and resting my weary feet, I worked out my pregnancy dates as best as I possibly could using an old calendar. If I was right, I was thirty-six weeks pregnant and my due date around the thirteenth of June. It was all rough of course, but suddenly, seeing it written down made me want to stretch out the last few weeks, regardless of my displeasure at the humid weather.
After lunch that day I made my way home; Tom had told me that the northern sector was nearly finished, and that huge amounts of edible food had been found within the rubble of a small supermarket. There was enough to ensure we got through the winter. Body recovery had ended and the pit was filled in; the next council meeting would involve suggestions for a memorial. I had some ideas but was unsure if I should propose them. I didn’t know the victims, and so perhaps it would be better to let the old residents decide. There was a small group of people at Mr Proctor’s house moving furniture in and out, and the woman from the trial stood laughing with a smaller group while watching the handful of men carrying in a hideous flowered sofa. Seeing me approach she waved cheerfully. I ignored her. I still hadn’t seen Neil’s wife since the trial. As I reached home, Rich sat on the doorstep looking at me, dressed more like a surfer than a clergyman today; jeans, tee shirt, blonde hair loose and in desperate need of a cut.
“Hi.” I couldn’t hide my surprise, and the small thrill that shimmied across my body. We hadn’t spoken properly since I turned down his picnic and cried in front of him. I hadn’t been back to church, and deliberately bypassed the main street as best I could.
“Hi.” He stood and stepped down next to me. I was so frumpy, and so very fat next to his tall, lean figure. “I’ve not seen you around for a while. Everything all right?”
I nodded absently. “Would you like to come in?” I still hadn’t broken the habit of politeness. When he followed me inside I made us both coffee. Creaks from upstairs followed by footsteps made me close my eyes. I almost feared opening them, but I did on hearing Hayley’s gasp of joy. She stood in the doorway smiling widely at us both.
“Well, this is unexpected.” Smooth, Hayley. I glared at her, but, typically, she was oblivious. “Fancy seeing you here, Rich. What brings you over?”
“I just wanted to make sure Kate was okay. I didn’t see her at church and hoped that my sermons hadn’t put her off.”
“Hayley, don’t you have something to do? Out in town?” I suggested.
“What? I don’t… Yes, I need to see Mrs Brooks… for… something.” She grinned and slipped her shoes on, leaving us in a now awkward silence. Eventually he cleared this throat and I looked up.
“So, are you all right?”
“I’m fine.” I ran my fingers across the rim of my mug and then, throwing caution away, added: “Well, a little bit nervous, I guess. I worked out that baby is due in just over four weeks and I’m really unprepared.”
“Four weeks? Plenty of time. Baby will be fine, you’ll be fine.” He sounded sure and firm, I raised an eyebrow. “Kate, seriously, we won’t let you be alone.”
“Won’t let me?” I echoed, a fizzing of irritation starting. “I don’t need your help, I can take care of myself. Everyone always thinks I need taking care of. I lived alone in the Unlands for over two years, for Christ’s sake!” When I opened my mouth, the words flooded out and I couldn’t stop them. Even when I tried to close my mouth, it didn’t work. “I’m not weak, Rich! I’m just lost and trying to find my place here.”
“You’re not weak. I’ve never thought that.”
“Why are you here, Rich?” I tried with desperation to keep my tone light, but a wisp of clipped wariness crept in.
He was nervous. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed, but without missing a beat he smiled.
“I want to make you laugh. Make you smile. Make you forget whatever it is that makes you so sad.”
Impossible. His words made me uncomfortable, and sad, and irritable. Everything made me irritable today. “You don’t want much then.” Sarcasm infected everything. “Is this your good Samaritan act? Help a desperate newcomer and earn some brownie points?”
“It’s my human act. We’re not all monsters, let’s just talk. Anything you want.” He dragged the chair across the tiled floor closer to me.
“For fu…” I trailed off, and he grinned wider, raising an eyebrow.
“Ok, fine. Why are you so friendly with the Enforcers? You know what they do in other towns, surely?”
“The Enforcers protect. Simon chooses those with disciplined military and police background. Do you remember what it was like at the start of the war, our war at home I mean? The fear that everyone felt?”
I nodded. Flashes of mobs and crowds: desperate, angry, greedy.
“The Enforcers stop all that, before it escalates. They protect and–”
“And control.” I interrupted. “They don’t always arrive before it escalates. They’re professional mercenaries, Rich. Thugs who work for whoever pays the most.” He was still so calm that my voice raised an octave and I found myself clenching my teeth.
“That’s not fair, they’re good men and women. They’re just doing what they can for us.”
“They’re animals and thugs.” I snapped back with more viciousness than he deserved.
“What were you doing when these thugs stepped forward and risked everything? Were you one of the quiet and peaceful ones calling for help and berating the government for not doing enough before things escalated? Men enlisted, some voluntarily, most forced, and tried to protect and calm those complaining for more action. And then those vigilantes who tried to protect their homes started fighting the army. But that wasn’t the end of it. No, those who harped on for peace then complained they needed more protection, but when the army tried to protect, when the police tried to make the streets safe they complained again about the violence used. And the gangs knew then that they could do what they wanted, so the violence continued. And force was used to quash violence. No one stepped in and said enough. What were you doing when this went on?” He stopped and I looked up at him, his hands were clasped and his voice still level and calm.
“How could we stand up to them? There was nothing I could do.”
“Did you try? We did nothing and the strategies used by the government undermined everything. But they tried. They did something to stop what was going on. Then those pacifists and pencil-pushers complained about their rights, they wanted the violence eradicated, the violence punished, but not by fighting back. No, by sitting around and talking about the problems and holding hands?”
“What did you do then, Rich? You seem to have a clear view of what went wrong. Where were you?” I snapped back.
“I was doing the sort of things that created the problems. I walked as far down the road as a man can before he loses the ability to turn back. By the time I did, it was too late.”
&
nbsp; I hid my surprise at his admission. He remained quiet and looked at me expectantly.
“So… what are you now?” I finally asked, turning my body around and closer to him.
“A man of peace, in a world of war. That’s why I’m so close to the men of violence.”
“You’re not sodding Gandhi, Rich.” He watched me, the corners of his eyes creasing as I grinned. I breathed easier, the thorns of the irritation falling away. “But they, the Enforcers I mean, are meant to look after us. Meant to be the perfect guardian and defender and yet…” I trailed off and shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. Why are you friendly with men who kill other men? Surely that goes against what you believe in.”
“The alternative is to fear them. It is not my place to judge. That’s for Him.” He glanced at the clock. “I guess I should go, just know I’m here to chat to whenever you want. I’d still like that picnic, Kate. If you’d be more comfortable with others coming, that’s fine. I just think an afternoon away from this place will do you, and me, good.”
I clenched my fists under the table and fought the sigh that inevitably escaped me.
“No, seriously. It’s okay, forget it. Just know that the offer is always there – as a friend. I want you to know that, anytime you just want to get away and talk, or just get away and sit there, I’m here. I meant it when I apologised for pushing you, I don’t ever want you to feel trapped.”
I wanted to ask why but didn’t, and so just murmured my thanks. After he left I went upstairs and looked around my room. I had nothing for the baby, not a blanket or a stitch of clothing, and my lack of preparation angered and bewildered me. My baby deserved better than this. It wasn’t their fault, none of this was their fault. I needed to do better. I made a list that afternoon of things I needed and wanted, and walked to the Henleys’ house.
Nina answered, and told me that her dad and Deven were out and probably over at the storerooms. Making my way to the storage warehouse, I spoke to the Enforcer on duty and asked to speak to Deven. Waiting patiently for him to return I looked around at the chicken and barbed wire fence surrounding the supplies. There were over thirty lock-ups full to the brim with collected goods and I watched as sacks were hauled from one to the other. It reminded me of a jumble sale of sorts. Deven and the Enforcer returned: he wore a huge sunhat and gardening gloves. How did he always manage to look so glamorous?
“Kate, lovely to see you, how can I help?” He kissed both my cheeks and I caught a waft of his aftershave: I recognised the scent and pictured the tall blue bottle it came in, so sure that Stephen once wore the same, but couldn’t remember the name.
“I’ve made a list of things I think I’ll need for the baby. I was hoping you could help see if there’s anything in the storerooms.” As he scanned the list, he nodded and then chuckled.
“You’ll need a lot more than what’s here. What about a basket for baby or a pushchair? Nappies and babygrows? What about you? You’ll need maternity pads, loose clothes, towels…” He reeled off a list of things I hadn’t even considered. “Oh Kate, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so dismissive. I remember my mama having my baby brother, and another, and another. It’s a scary thing.” He sorted through and pulled out a pushchair full of baby items. “I put this together a while ago, thought you might need it.”
I stumbled with my thanks, but he brushed it aside and instead grabbed and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t quite know what to do, so I stood there.
“I’m so glad we’re friends.” He pulled away and stroked my arms. I froze: the slow controlled movements up and down my skin repulsed me.
“Me too.” I replied, breaking away and grabbing the pushchair.
“I know I was a bit off when we first got talking, I still find it hard to talk to people. Out there it’s… not like this.” He offered with a shrug.
“I know. It’s okay.”
“I know you know. No one speaks about the monsters in here, but I know you know.” He was quiet as he rolled up his left sleeve and showed me his mark on his left forearm. It was a small traditional hot poker brand. “Birds of a feather, Kate.”
I didn’t speak, couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to confirm our solidarity vocally and instead lifted my top and showed him my brand. He was silent as he covered his arm. I waited for the shortest moment, but then threw my arms around him. He sobbed. We didn’t need words, and I just held him until he calmed.
“Let’s see what else we can get you. Perhaps some new clothes, because those old things are just… no.” He elaborately wagged a finger.
The subject changed, I forced a smile. The effervescent Deven was back, though his eyes were red-rimmed.
Word spread, and all afternoon things were dropped off for the baby. My bedroom and the spare room were soon full to bursting. Hayley was in heaven, cooing and ahh-ing over the tiny clothes and wishing for a baby of her own. We sat organising them into piles according to age and left the “unknown” items to last, a mixture of pinks and blues – I hadn’t really thought much about whether baby was a boy or a girl.
I slept well that night: no faces haunted me and the following morning I took the radio, left a note and walked for miles along the coastline. I left my shoes by the rock pools and splashed through the water. I could feel the warmth of the sun all over, the sounds of the seagulls and the pull of the coldness around my feet emptied my mind. This was home, the place where I wasn’t chased or coveted, wasn’t owned or ordered. I didn’t need to hide anymore. On my walk back the radio crackled into life and Hayley’s voice cut into the silence.
“Kate, are you there, Kate?”
I replied and she told me that she’d prepared lunch and wondered when I’d be back. I estimated an hour and the radio clicked off. I reached the rock pools and slipped my sandals back on. Bending down, a stabbing pain in my stomach made me groan and I rubbed the spot firmly, but another wave rippled through me. The usual short walk to the house took an age but by the time I got the to path the pain had subsided and I thought nothing more of it. I’d had twinges and aches before. I walked in and jumped to a chorus of:
“Surprise!”
The kitchen and living room were packed with the women from the club, banners and streamers in baby blue and soft pink covered every inch of the ceiling and balloons scattered and floated around the floor. I spotted the strawberries on the table and grinned. I loved strawberries. So many people kissed my cheeks and patted my bump – I couldn’t control the contact, it was overwhelming and yet I didn’t pull back, I fought my protective measures and won. Hayley thrust a glass in my hand and I sniffed: lemon?
“It’s homemade lemonade.” She guided me into the living room where a long lean figure leaned against the wall – could he never stand up straight? “This was all Rich’s idea,” she whispered. “He even made the cupcakes.” I looked over to the table and guffawed at the badly iced monstrosities; the icing had slipped and pooled on the surface of the plate.
I met him in the middle of the room and indicated the table. “Are they edible?”
“I hope so.” He went to kiss my cheek but hesitated and pulled back. Relief tinged with the most imperceptible amount of disappointment surged through me, leaving me short of breath. He was the only one who knew when to stop, when not to touch me. “Hayley and I thought it would be nice for you to have a little fun before baby turns up.” He whispered: “I know you aren’t keen on big groups, I suggested just a few people, but you know how things spread in this place.”
I sipped and nodded. I could feel the eyes of the room on us and turned my back on him, smiling widely at Paulina and Laura, forcing a banal conversation on the summer weather. Presents had been brought: a pile of toiletries and baby toys sat on the table and I wondered whether they had asked for them out of the storerooms or if they had come from their own allocated supplies – not that it mattered.
By sunset, people started to leave and I sat back on the sofa watching Hayley and Rich clear up with Deven and Laura. Closing my
eyes, I gave in to the tiredness that covered me like a heavy veil and when I awoke with a start, it was dark outside. The kitchen light was on and I could hear voices. I walked through and Hayley and Rich sat at the table drinking coffee and playing cards.
“Hey, sleepyhead. Want a coffee?” Hayley asked.
Hayley poured me a mug as I joined them. They both looked disgustingly fresh and wide awake. Another surge of pain cut through my stomach and I knocked my mug over as I grabbed my bump.
“Kate, are you all right?” They both jumped up and Hayley knelt by my side while Rich cleared up the coffee. My legs were soaked and burned. Another wave of tightness and red hot stabbing made it impossible for me to speak and I shook my head.
“Rich, get the doctor!” Hayley grabbed the towel off him and started to dab at my legs.
“I’ll be fine, really.” I pushed off the chair and walked around the kitchen until the agony ebbed to a dull throb. “It’s gone now.”
“Do you think it’s time? I mean, is the baby coming? Should I prepare the back room?”
I shook my head again. Hayley paced with me, wringing her hands and muttering.
“Rich, get the doctor!” she snapped.
“No, I’m fine. The baby isn’t coming, it’s Braxton Hicks, I’m sure. I read about it in the library.” I wanted fresh air.
“Are you sure it isn’t labour?”
“Pretty sure.”
“You must see the doctor.” Hayley wouldn’t calm down.
“Hayley, no. If it makes you feel better, I’ll see him tomorrow. Look? I’m fine now.” She tried to speak but I held up a hand. “I’m going to get some air, I won’t go far and if I have any more pains I’ll let you know.”
Leaving the house before she could reply, I nodded to Rich in thanks. It was cooler that night and lying on the sand I watched the stars; it was cloudy and the grey wisps covered Bootes; I couldn’t see the ploughman. Searching the darkness I named and pinpointed as many constellations as I could remember, but my concentration was interrupted when I sensed someone approach. I scrambled and tried to sit up.
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