“It’s only me.” I relaxed and Rich lay down next to me. We both stared at the sky in silence.
“That’s Corvus, we won’t be able to see him for much longer.” I finally said, pointing up to the crow.
“And that’s Hercules,” he replied.
I turned my head to one side and watched him smile in the silvery light.
“Yes, it is.”
I was relaxed, and the sudden realisation warmed me.
Chapter Twenty-One
“So, I heard you come in quite late last night.” Hayley commented, swirling her fruit teabag around her mug. “Heard Rich too.”
I choked a little and coughed, looking up from my plate at her. Patiently, she smiled and nodded like a cute toddler. Oh how wrong you are. When I stopped coughing I said: “You’re beyond belief. He was walking me home, nothing more.”
“Home from the beach? All two hundred metres away?”
I didn’t bother to reply. She was smiling now and the more I protested the more she would read into it something that wasn’t there. So I finished eating in silence, ignoring the little ‘mmm-hmm’ noises from her.
“So what are your plans for today?” I asked. It was already muggy outside and I was too tired to face a room full of children. I hoped she would sit with them.
“Not much. I’m out this evening with some of the girls. Rachael has just got engaged to Tim – you know Tim, the butcher – anyway, there’s some drinks and stuff at the Enforcers’ club. It was so sweet. He took her to the watchtower and spelt out ‘marry me’ in shell pieces before getting down on one knee. It was just gorgeous.” She continued to chatter, describing the engagement ring to me in detail. I nodded.
“I thought the watchtower was off limits?”
“Off limits? Oh no, no that was lifted a few weeks ago. Simon decided he didn’t have the men to keep watch up there. They thought it would be better for the Enforcers to patrol the streets at night, double up on the protection.”
“Oh.” Piling up the plates, I crossed my fingers and asked her to look after the children.
“Of course. Are you off with Rich again?”
“Oh for… no.” I stopped and exhaled, ashamed that I almost snapped at her. “I just fancy a day alone. Bit tired.”
She didn’t tease again. I gave her the keys to the library and ran through the loose plan of the day with her. I rushed through my chores and by eleven the wind was sweeping through the house, cooling me and inviting me outside. I knew where I wanted to go.
Looking through the telescope I watched the town like a voyeur. Every so often I paused and mumbled the names of the people I observed, reminding myself of who they were and what they did. So many faces, but they all stopped and smiled at each other, shaking hands and laughing.
I swung the telescope to the northern sector and fed another fifty pence piece in the mechanism. The demolition was well underway; huge piles of brick and rubble. Lee, Josh and Mo rode up and down the mounds of destruction on their BMX bikes.
“Kate? What are you doing?”
Deven stood at the cast iron bench and beckoned me over as he sat down.
“Just having some alone time.”
“I can understand that. It’s lovely up here. You can see for miles across the water on a clear day. It’s so peaceful to just come up and think.”
Deven repeated Rachael’s engagement story. I pictured Tim on one knee, at this spot, opening up the small box and asking her to share the rest of her life with him. For some reason I couldn’t concentrate on the voice to my right. Instead, Stephen’s silhouette appeared. On his knee in the car park of our local cinema, a ring on his flat palm and the same question uttered. A huge lump formed and I blinked away the tears. Just one escaped down my face and hastily I wiped it away. Deven hadn’t noticed – I hoped not anyway.
“Yes or no?” he asked. His voice was a little louder this time and dragged me away from my thoughts.
“Sorry?”
“Tonight. Are you coming to the Enforcers’ club for the engagement party? I know you don’t know Rachael or Tim that well, but Tim enforces every so often and I’m sure the others would like to get to know you. Rich will be there.”
“No. I think I need an early night.” I didn’t explain. He nodded and was silent for a while.
“Thank you, for the other day. I’m sorry it’s hard for you, Kate. I can’t imagine what it was like for you out there. I know I was lucky to find a place here so quickly. Lucky to find safety with Roger. I made so many friends through him.” He stopped and picked at a loose thread on his white trousers. “I’ve hurt Roger. I know that. He cares for me, probably loves me. I do love him, in a way. I know that I shouldn’t make him upset or angry. I just feel so trapped at times that I don’t know what to do or even who I am. It’s not like it was out there, but it still feels like a prison at times.”
I licked my lips but didn’t make a sound. It seemed wrong to interrupt. I wanted to know more, even if it was just to understand what he had to say.
“Anyway. I should probably go. If you change your mind switch the radio to channel 31 and let me know. I’ll come and get you. Roger’s given me a little car to use ‘when absolutely necessary,’” he quoted. “Can you drive?”
I replied with a nod.
“If you ever need to use it, it’s parked in a garage behind our cottage, the one with the red door. Key’s on the top of the front right tyre.”
“Thanks.”
He started to walk down to the beach.
“Deven?”
Turning, he looked back. I walked over. “Thank you for everything. When I came here I know I wasn’t the easiest person to be around, not after out there. You know?” I hoped he’d understand, and with relief he nodded. “I never thought this would happen,” and placing my hand on my bump, I sighed. “It’s not easy talking about stuff, but thank you for trying to make me feel welcome and sharing with me. One day I’ll be okay.”
“You’ll never be okay, Kate,” he murmured, “but you’ll learn to live with what happened and find some sort of peace.” He went to touch me, but thought better of it and said his goodbyes. His words echoed inside.
Ignoring the band of tightness across my stomach I looked down at the town and Roger Henley emerged from the church and shook Rich’s hand. My attention turned to the woman at Rich’s side; she was young, pretty, thin. As I struggled to remember her name, Rich placed his arm around her waist and squeezed before letting go and walking back into the church. I inserted another coin into the telescope, following Roger and the woman as they walked towards the doctor’s house. That was it. She was one of the trainee doctors and one of the doctor’s daughter’s friends. She disappeared into Dr Nicholl’s house and Roger walked away towards Glen and Hayley’s.
There he was. Deven stood on the edge of the beach near my home talking to two of Simon’s Enforcers. Pointing up to their club house he laughed, and when they shook hands they passed something to him, small enough that he was able to pocket it discreetly. His face was the perfect emotionless mask, and for a brief moment I thought of Kat and hoped she was all right. Then of Ben and Ella: please let them be safe. I pushed them to the back of my mind again as Roger appeared and stood at the small pavilion watching his husband and the Enforcers. I couldn’t see his face clearly, and so I panned back to Deven and watched him say goodbye to the Enforcers. Looking back, Roger had gone.
All day my baby had turned and twisted, and now, when I wanted nothing but peace, a nerve in my back throbbed, causing a deep knot of pain in my backside and down my leg. I stood up from the sofa and hobbled into the kitchen, sifting through the drawers looking for painkillers. It was nearly eleven p.m. and it hurt too much to sleep. I was too hot. Opening the backdoor I listened to the waves and focused on the moonlight bouncing off the inky waters. Rubbing my bump I tried to force baby to move. It didn’t work and I slammed the back door in anger, with the bang echoing through the house. I was lonely. The music carried on t
he wind from the party and I desperately wanted to talk to someone.
Channel 31. I spoke: “Hello?”
Damn. No, I’d just go to sleep. As I went to switch it off, there was a voice.
“Hey, Kate? Is that you? Everything ok?” Rich. Why did he have the radio? Where was Deven? How did he know it was me?
“I’m fine.” I paused. “I’m just saying goodnight.”
“Ok… goodnight.”
I switched off the radio and sat in the darkness, my mind empty and only the quiet ticking of the clock reminding me that I was awake. I couldn’t move, I wanted to, but I had no energy and instead it was so much simpler to sit back and stare at the ceiling.
One need not be a chamber – to be haunted.
Chapter Twenty-Two
On Monday I was too tired to teach and sat in the library letting the children play. There were no new books to organise so I started reading Middlemarch. I recalled first starting and stopping with it in my early twenties and laughing at the ideals of Dorothea, but as the wars raged through the country I found myself wishing for a better world, wishing I could achieve something for the greater good.
I didn’t get very far: the screams and shouts from an argument caught my attention and I spent the following two hours placating Daisy and Lara who had fallen out over the ownership of a plastic bracelet. Eventually, I confiscated it so neither owned it, tuning out the whining and grumblings that followed.
By Tuesday night I was exhausted; my ankles were swollen, my back ached and I disliked everything and everyone. I spent the night crying in my room with the door locked, ignoring Hayley’s pleas to help. Little Alan hated me. He had refused to do anything I asked and on our walk to the beach had thrown himself to the sand and rolled around, screaming in temper at the smallest thing. I sobbed harder that night as I remembered dragging him to his feet and shouting until his little face was white with terror and he submitted; his body limp and his voice a whisper as he apologised over and over again. I tried to win his forgiveness with cuddles but he squirmed and fidgeted away and didn’t speak to me. When Rose collected him, ashamedly I told her what happened and she brushed it away as though it was nothing and cheerfully proclaimed he would be fine on Thursday. I wasn’t so sure, nor could I forgive myself. How could I have behaved that way?
As I sat waiting for the convoy on Wednesday night, Rich joined me. Instead of spending hours by the main gate we sat on the beach with a small fire, watching the waves and the sky. It had clouded over the last few nights and instead of stargazing we discussed music, films, and then Alan. He made me feel better. I hadn’t forgiven myself but I would make it up to him. Soon the crackle of the radio cut through our chatter and Glen announced they were five to ten minutes away. With Hayley we walked down and watched as the trucks unloaded. There were more newcomers this time. I thought that Nikky had said they were coming on the next trip. Simon ushered them to one side and they were led away to the council building where they would be offered hosts or houses.
Nikky shouted and waved, dragging her holdall over and throwing her arms around me, almost knocking me over. Glen pulled Hayley close and I watched as she closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest, her arms encircling his waist. He rested his cheek on her head and accidently made eye contact with me. I looked away.
As Nikky pulled away and fiddled with the strap to her bag, I hoped Simon hadn’t planned another trip in quick succession.
“Oh, hi Rich.” She slid her gaze to him, grinning in surprise. “Who are you waiting for then?”
“No one. I came with Hayley and Kate. But I am going to go and have a word with Si and see if he needs a hand with the newcomers. I’ll see you all soon.” He jogged towards the council buildings. I counted.
“The vicar?”
It was less than ten seconds before she said something, and I shook my head.
“No, nothing like that at all. Rich has just been helping me out a bit while you’ve been away.” I couldn’t recall exactly what he had helped me with, but it sounded better than Rich helped organise a party for me, kept inviting me on a picnic and when he realised I would keep saying no, we lay together on the beach stargazing.
She made a disbelieving noise. Back at her house she told me about the teachers and the new timetables. Peter and Gloria had relocated on this run and a full 9–3 pattern had been worked out for all three age groups. She was excited to be in charge of art and sports, while Gloria would do the science and maths, with Peter teaching English and history. They had brought back almost a whole truck of school supplies and books; Simon was friends with Peter and, with persuasion, Nikky had got her way and even the sports mats and skipping ropes were added onto the transport load.
Under a fleece throw, we talked. She leant against my shoulder and went through each day in the other community, describing the way they taught there, the strictness with uniforms and badges. I couldn’t see how that would work here, but Nikky assured me that the badges were already made and a simple dress code would be implemented: order into chaos, apparently. They had also decided that the children needed a firm hand and guidance. There would be punishments and detentions and a book of rules. Nikky explained that it was to set boundaries. My stomach turned at the thought.
She then showed me her sketches of Blackwood. It was hillier than I imagined and with less damage than our own and I recalled what she told me about Simon and how he had set up the Enforcers during the tail-end of the bombings when the looting bands had started swarming through the country, stretching his network as far as he could.
As it grew light outside, I said goodbye and agreed to meet her teacher friends in the afternoon after I had rested. Instead of sleeping she intended to drink copious amounts of coffee and struggle through the day. There was no chance I could do that. I needed breakfast and then my bed. On my way home, I saw Rich opening the doors to the church. He waved but didn’t come over. He was talking to a group of resettlers who looked tired and drawn. I watched as he joked and laughed with the young women and they giggled and flirted in response. It made me smile, but that smile soon turned into a yawn. I was so tired, and my eyes cold and dry. By the time I got home I crawled quietly into bed and slept, too tired to eat.
When I finally woke, the house was silent. Light crept through the curtains, forcing me to sit up. Nearly six p.m. – I had slept all day? Washing and dressing I went downstairs and read two notes while I ate leftover cold pasta. Hayley and Glen were out together for ‘couple time’ and would be back very late. The other note was from Nikky, she would catch up with me tomorrow, but had left a present for me on my desk in the library.
On my way over I saw many new faces. They showed a mix of emotions: fear, excitement, longing, curiosity. I was stopped and asked directions, some asking when the baby was due, others ignoring the bump.
I unlocked the library door, walked in, and dropped my keys in shock. The huge room had been reorganised. My books were now displayed on custom built shelves and were closer to the door. There were more tables and three distinct areas of study, partitioned with bookcases and shelving units. I had a bigger desk, drawers and a bureau. I laughed at the surface of the desk. Nikky had organised the drawings I loved and had the top of my desk covered in a sheet of glass – how? Where? I sat down and examined the pictures: the library, the view across the rock pools, the church, all the places I loved. In the centre was the sketch of me reading.
“It’s a beautiful picture, I wanted it the second I saw it.”
My hands stopped moving, my fingers splayed flat on the glass. I couldn’t lift my head to look up. The paralysis started from my head and worked down, a film of terror covering and possessing me. Controlling my body it wormed, gnawed, forced its way inside, making each breath laboured and painful; each second passed slower than the last. I was freezing and yet my palms sweated and beads of my fear rolled down my neck. I closed my eyes. If I couldn’t see him, he wasn’t real. Perhaps I imagined that voice. I was tired. A tho
usand thoughts, fragments of memories, rolled though me, images, conversations. I was tired. I couldn’t look up. It wasn’t a nightmare. I needed to move, move, for fuck’s sake, move. My lips didn’t move, but I screamed, silently, move, but they didn’t. My hands didn’t move, not a millimetre.
“I didn’t think it was possible. I put out so many messages for you across the network, but no one had seen you. I know why now.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up. His soft voice cut into my skull. Closer this time. He was getting closer to me and all I could do was stare at the glass. My chest rose and fell, faster and faster, the baby moved in irritation. I wanted to rub my bump, reassure my baby, my baby, that it was fine, that I was fine, but I still couldn’t move. I couldn’t protect myself; worse, I couldn’t protect my baby. I was trapped. There was a shadow in the corner of my left eye and soon the outline of a body. But it was the smell that made me gag, the smell which released the tears – that spicy, fresh scent.
The trembling started. I couldn’t stop my legs from shaking but I still couldn’t move my hands or head.
“You look so healthy, so happy. I watched you walk here like you didn’t have a care in the world.”
He didn’t move. It was pathetic, but for that I was grateful. I needed every precious second I could gather. I watched as my tears hit the glass and spread across the clear surface, obscuring my face in the sketch. Why was this happening? I thought back to my goodbyes and screwed my eyes shut again. I’m sorry, Stephen, I’m sorry. Was this his way of telling me he wasn’t gone?
He touched me then. His hand ran down my face, my hair and skin. Stroking me. Move, fucking, move!
“Don’t you have anything to say, Anna?”
Anna, Anna is docile and gracious, Anna replies, she submits. I was Anna, was Anna. I’m not Anna now. I’m Katherine, I’m Kate. And yet, I was still his. I had no strength, it was as though each tear took a small piece of my defence away, chip, chip, chip.
Anna Page 20