Anna

by Sammy H. K. Smith

  On our walk back we didn’t speak, instead I reached for his hand. When he entwined his fingers in mine my chest fluttered – not with the girlish joy from a crush, but the triumph that conquering a fear brings. His touch didn’t still me. Didn’t burn my skin or make me want to run.

  It couldn’t last forever, and as we reached the rock pools, I looked at the porch. He was there. Waiting. I stumbled and hit the sand hard, the abrasive mineral grating and rubbing against me. My chest, my heart, again, it hurt so much, pain rippling through my body. Rich helped me up and it was only when he swore that I realised.

  My skirt was stained and water rolled down my legs; a sweet smell carried on the light wind. For a moment I couldn’t move, was this it? Eventually the pain returned my wits to me, and sudden understanding hit me. I grabbed Rich’s arm and clung to him as he walked me back to the house. I squeezed tighter as I sensed him nearby, but all I could do was stare at my bump and the ground. Baby first, baby would always be first.

  “Get the doctor, the baby’s coming.”

  Without a word Peter left, running down the road and out of sight. I could do this.

  Pacing the kitchen with Rich by my side I cried and moaned as the pain took me. It was worse than anything before, but, baby first. When the doctor returned, Hayley and Nikky followed, the anxiety on their faces doubling when they saw my face. However when he stood in the doorway with Glen, I demanded that the men leave, all of them. I couldn’t help but stare at him then: the triumph in his eyes was nearly my undoing.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Adaptation, like creation and death, is one of nature’s imperatives, part of the perpetual cycle. The world has suffered, we’ve annihilated each other and yet we’ve adapted and moved on, and the land renews, it forgives. Our fitness for the world is repeatedly tested.

  Thirty hours later I finally understood sacrifice. Nothing but agony and misery. Each moment stretched and thinned in front of me. I remembered so much, much more than I cared to remember. Memories I had pushed away from my life re-appeared but with no creeping, no gentle meandering, instead they drowned me like hurricane floodwaters. I remembered friends, holidays, trips away, meetings at work, arguments, all the mundane details as clear as the pain coursing through me.

  But, as I held my baby in my exhausted arms, I realised that none of it mattered. I trailed a finger down his sleeping face, marvelling at the softness of his skin. I finally had my baby, my hope. He was so small. The doctor weighed him in at just under six pounds and expressed concern at his small size for full gestation, but he was utterly perfect. He was strong and listening to his heartbeat on the stethoscope I beamed, unadulterated joy and relief with each beat. When the doctor left the endorphin crash kicked in, and the self-doubt started.

  “Have you thought of a name, Kate?”

  Hayley stood at the end of the bed, clearing away. A name. Something which could never be taken from him; but a name was just a word. I shook my head and she opened the window. The breeze brought a frown to his face and, stirring, he started to cry. I panicked. Every time he cried it sawed into me, his noises all sounded the same to me. I didn’t understand and I looked up to Hayley. I held out my arms to her. Taking him, she shushed his cries and walked the length of my bedroom, up and down until he was asleep again. I was useless.

  Terror stood behind me always. Would I love him enough? Could I love him enough? The nurturing bud of love had grown in my heart as he had grown inside me, but would it flower or wither away?

  Deven visited next, and though I could barely keep my eyes open, he showed me how to feed him and take care of myself, citing his mother and six siblings as experience. I fought my embarrassment: baby comes first, and so I allowed him to show me how baby should latch. I needed strength. I would always have to consider my baby now, for everything I did would affect him.

  When Deven held him, he seemed so at ease: he knew just what to do, and understood his cries. I was useless.

  When he left, I begged Hayley to turn all visitors away. I wanted silence, stillness, and my baby.

  For three days I had just that. I grew to learn his cries and needs. When he looked up at me with eyes as dark as him, the wretchedness returned: unwanted, bitter and entirely unfair. I traced his face and arms with my fingers often, stopping at his little fingers when they wrapped around mine; indefectible nails, so tiny. I marvelled at the exquisite perfection that was this tiny human. My chest hurt, but I opened myself to it and revelled in it, and it was the sweetest pain. The nights, to me, were the hardest. I couldn’t sleep and watched him often. When he woke I found myself holding him close and whispering my love to him, kissing his cheeks and forehead. I told him my name often, but I couldn’t speak his. I still did not know it.

  On the fourth day I washed and bathed us both and, with Hayley at my side. I took him downstairs to see Nikky and Rich. As they held him I counted the seconds he was away from me. It was too many but, nodding and smiling, I pretended I didn’t mind. When Rich handed him back, I closed my eyes and kissed my child’s forehead.

  “Does he sleep well?” Rich asked. I shook my head. He barely slept during the night and only seemed to settle when close to me. I needed to get to grips with the sling that Deven had brought for me.

  “He’s gorgeous, Kate. Have you named him yet?” Nikky murmured, moving next to me on the sofa. I shook my head.

  “Not yet.”

  They stayed for the afternoon and helped me open the mountain of gifts that had arrived. I had more baby clothes than he could ever possibly hope to wear. I picked up a small box and flicked it open to reveal a tiny silver bangle.

  “That’s from Peter, he wanted to have it engraved by the silversmith, but he can’t until you name the little man. Are you going to have him christened?”

  Staring at the box, I slowly closed it and placed it on the floor. I would have thrown it into the bin if I could, but they circled me, blocking my escape routes. Glancing at my baby as he slept soundly in his basket calmed me.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Kate, consider it at least, I’d be honoured to christen him.” Rich’s voice was low. I looked at baby and then at him, and shrugged. They left a short while after and as Hayley packed away the presents I slipped the bangle into the bin, where it belonged.

  More visitors came and the following week was a blur of faces. He changed so much in those first ten days that I was glad we didn’t sleep. If I had, I would have missed too much.

  On the twelfth day I woke early, restless and irritable, my breasts aching and leaking with seemingly stubborn delight even though he had been fed just an hour ago. I changed my bra again, padding it out and cursing at the pathetic cotton pads. Standing by the window I looked out at the beach and frowned. Enforcers, at least ten of them by the rock pools. The doctor was there as well. Tom? Panicked I ran to the door and then paused; I couldn’t leave him here.

  “Hayley, Hayley!” I called, running down the stairs and tripping as I missed a step. Grabbing the banister I steadied myself before running into the kitchen. Then back up the stairs as I realised the house was empty. I pulled on some jogging bottoms and a tee shirt from the dirty pile in my room and slipped him into the sling. He murmured quietly and, kissing his head for reassurance, I walked along the beach. It was early and the sun was low. As I reached the pools I saw Hayley’s tired and drawn face.

  “Kate, what are you doing? It’s night.” She tried to usher me back to the house. She’d been crying. “He’ll get too cold out here.”

  “Tom?” I pushed back against her and she shook her head. “Is he okay, Hayley, is Tom ok?” Thick, the fear was thick in my throat and I cared not that Peter stood with the Enforcers staring at me. Tom.

  “No. It’s Amy, the doctor’s daughter.” Her voice low and tense. Pulling my gaze from the pools I stared at her. She shook her head sadly and squeezed my arms. “It’s not pretty, Kate. Please, take the baby inside.”

  “What happened?”

/>   “We don’t know, she’s been… gone a while. We think the tide brought her home.”

  I could only nod, and turned back towards the house. I didn’t need to see, nor did I want to. The tide brought her home.

  I made coffees and soup for those outside: ignoring him and his constant presence. It was nearly ten a.m. by the time everyone left and Amy was taken away. I hugged Hayley, and Glen placed a hand on my shoulder and patted. They left together. Dr Nicholls wanted to discuss arrangements sooner rather than later. I tried not to think about it and after they left I wandered around the house. I pictured Amy alone in the cold and dark, her skin translucent and the moon glinting on her jewellery. The diamond band shackled to my finger felt heavy then. Twisting it, I swore. My fingers still too swollen to remove it.

  Later that day Nikky arrived, but she wasn’t alone. Peter stood in the doorway of the living room, blocking my exit. I held my baby close and tight, my eyes darting from Nikky’s beaming face to his smiling one. It reached his eyes this time, and as he looked at us both, it was predatory.

  “Surprise! I thought I’d come and see you. Peter’s been asking about you both all week so Gloria’s covering the classes for a bit.” She grabbed his hand – how could she bear to touch him? – and pulled him over to where I sat. I shifted away as he sat next to me on the sofa, his smell threatening to asphyxiate me.

  “Scoot over.” Nikky sat to my other side, forcing me closer. Baby slept in my arms, cradled against my chest, the warmth and weight of him soothing the fear. Peter moved his arm over the top of the sofa. I couldn’t sit there and I tried to stand when Hayley, Glen and the Henleys walked in, laughing. His hand moved to my neck and skimmed the skin, freezing me to the spot.

  This was my chance, my opportunity, I could tell them all what he was, everything he had done. I had to protect us both now, it wasn’t just me.

  As new guests pulled up the dining chairs, Hayley greeted Peter with a kiss to the cheek and questions about his resettlement. He had one of the new cottages Tom had helped rebuild. I remained quiet as they discussed the school. I had missed a council meeting where the remainder of the cottages had been allocated. I had been given the cottage nearest the water, next to his.

  “Isn’t that great, Kate? Your own place.” Roger Henley spoke earnestly, reaching over and touching my baby’s head and face with a gentle trail of his fingers. What was it with him always being touched, being mauled by everyone. Stop it. “Somewhere for you and little one.”

  “Are you kicking me out?” Is that all I could say?

  “No, Kate. No, it’s for when you feel ready.” Hayley smiled. “Now, can I have a cuddle with the little man?” No. She held out her arms and I stood and handed him over, though. It was Hayley and she loved him. Sitting down I realised how close Peter was to me.

  They spoke then of the funeral arrangements and the sadness of Amy. Convincing themselves that she was in a better place and she had been a tortured soul. Then they moved onto the town and the northern sector. A change of plans it seemed, only a third of the houses would be demolished and the rest renovated. The other community was close to overpopulation and needed to relocate over a hundred people here. They continued to talk, but I heard little after that. Their voices were close and yet so far away and all the while I could only truly concentrate on my own voice. Counting and watching him in her arms. It was too long and I was about to speak but his voice cut me off:

  “Can I have a cuddle?” and he held out his hands.

  I didn’t want him touching my baby. Never. He’d own and possess him like he did me. How could I deny him without telling everyone what he was? No one would believe me, not now, I’d left it too long and he was now part of the town, and close to my friends, and so Anna watched as Hayley handed him over. Docile and gracious. The tension almost snapped me in two. He cradled him in the nook of his arm and stroked his beautiful tiny face, stroked the way he loved to stroke. A protective flare of anger licked at my insides, and I forced it back deep inside.

  “He’s so small.” His voice, calm and assured, made me squirm and fret. I reached out and took him back, relieved the others were there for he handed him over without a word. Instead his gaze burnt into mine. “He’s gorgeous,” he added.

  It was then he woke and cried. I knew that cry now. It was my escape.

  “I need to feed him.” Without looking around the room I walked upstairs. I lay on the bed, putting my child to my breast, and closed my eyes as his little grip tightened on my fingers, comforting us both. He was all I wanted. Opening my eyes and looking down at his long dark lashes as they fluttered with each gulp the bud inside my chest curled into bloom. I loved him so completely that I couldn’t breathe without it riding on each rise and fall of my chest.

  After a short while the floorboards creaked and he stood there watching me. I covered my bare chest with a blanket and shrank back. I had no defences, there was nothing to protect me, no one to stop him approaching. He sat on my dressing stool, leaning forward and clasping his hands together, still watching. The door was wide open, and I heard the laughter from downstairs.

  “What’s his name?”

  I couldn’t reply and instead kept my eyes on his; my fear was overwhelming. He knew it.

  “Kate. What’s his name?” The harder tone was back, the one I remembered, the one I had grown afraid of.

  “He doesn’t have a name.”

  “Why did you–”

  He didn’t finish. Nikky walked in and grinned at us both.

  “Peter, we’ve got to go.” She grabbed his hand again and pulled him up. All the while he was staring at us both. “’Bye, Kate,” Nikky said to me. “I’ll be around later – in fact, how about I cook dinner tonight? Hayley and Glen are going to be out with Deven and Roger. I’ll come over.”

  I was going to be alone. “Please.”

  “See ya later!” she chirped.

  No one but me saw him for what he was, and watching him with my baby sickened me. I had handed him over and allowed him to touch the purest thing in my world; would my little piece of hope now be corrupted? Was he already corrupted by blood? As he murmured and twitched, kicking out his legs as I swapped sides, I dismissed the thought as quickly as it came. He was pure and beautiful.

  With the house now empty, I locked my bedroom door and slept fitfully. I don’t remember my dreams, but each time I woke all I could picture was his watchful gaze as I fed my baby. He still stared at me as though I was his. I drew my blanket around me and checked on my child. He slept soundly, his tiny fists clenched by the side of his head.

  By mid-afternoon he didn’t want to sleep anymore and I found myself smiling at his serious little face as he studied me with dark eyes, so unlike my own. Using the sling, I held him close and cleaned the house from top to bottom. My back ached at the weight of his body against mine, but to not hold him hurt more. I needed to breathe in his baby scent often. As I mopped the floor in the kitchen I looked up to find Tom standing on the porch grinning at me.

  “Can I come in?”

  He sat at the kitchen table while I made the cakes I had promised Alan. I stopped often to glance down at baby. He still needed a name.

  Tom told me about the latest council meeting. With the newcomers so eager to ingratiate themselves they had offered to finish clearing the northern sector, twenty of them were from the building trade, including a female plumber. He made me giggle as he recalled the look on Simon’s face when she stood up and asserted herself and her profession. “Looked like he’d chewed on a wasp,” he cackled. There was a dentist and an optician in the group; both had agreed to enforce two days a week in exchange for residence. They negotiated terms of settlement while the Henleys nodded and acquiesced.

  “Yer library looks empty without yer Katie, maybe you and the babby should take a walk down?”

  “Maybe soon.” I whisked furiously now, concentrating on the bowl. Something different attacked my insides now, and desperation swirled with a need to be a
ccepted. I tried to concentrate. I could do this, I could do this.

  “Everything okay, pet?”

  “No, no it’s really not.” I managed, biting my lip hard, and clamping my lips shut, to stop the tears. Baby had woken. Staring at me. “I know Peter from before, in the Unlands.” I swallowed and continued, unable to look up and concentrating on the most pure thing ever to exist in this world. The words that came were different to what I had planned; I had no control: “He’s a violent man, he had a girl called Anna, she escaped, but he did terrible things to her.” My voice was a whisper now. “I saw him hurt her, over and over again. I didn’t do anything to help. I should have. I should have fought him. People just let him do it. No one helped. I was the worst.” For a fleeting moment I thought of Ben and Ella and the pain was overwhelming. I wiped away my tears. I needed to believe they were free, that they were safe.

  Trailing off I looked up at him, hoping and praying he understood. The shame of my back prickled against my tee shirt. It would be so easy to show him, all I had to do was lift up my top and he would see the truth but I couldn’t put down the whisk or bowl.

  “Quiet chap he is, strange how some people behave out there Katie. It’s a cruel place now, do what they can to survive. One of my boys was like that, got carried away with the fight, joined in the riots and one of them smaller gangs, disappeared off.” He rolled a cigarette and the despair rose.

  “Different rules in the Unlands now. Cut my boy out I did, didn’t speak to him when he left. He came home one day with a load of cuts to his knuckles and Joe’s boy had a black eye and a limp. Angry boy he was. I threw him out. Went to Simon, tried to tell him what happened but he laughed at me. Said mebbe the poor sod deserved a pounding. Men like Simon, and that man yer mentioned, and my boy, they just get away with it.”

  I couldn’t speak, or differentiate the feelings inside me; they all merged together into one huge ball of poison that ate away my strength.

  “Yer okay, Katie? Don’t yer think about it. Nothing yer can do, that girl got away. Peter’s here now, making a new start, like we all are.”