Faking Sweet

by J. C. Burke

  ‘She used to go to this school.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘She lives in Melbourne now. Actually she went to MLG after she left here.’

  ‘Really.’

  It was like we were walking slowly towards each other.

  ‘You two must’ve been together last term. Is MLG very big? Maybe you met her?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Her name’s Calypso MacIntosh.’

  ‘Yeah.’ My mouth was so dry it was hard to speak. ‘Yeah, I met her.’

  ‘You’re home late, dear,’ Mum called from the couch.

  ‘I got a detention,’ I told her. ‘Me and another girl.’

  ‘Who was the other girl? A new friend?’ Mum followed me into the kitchen. ‘What was it for?’

  ‘Sitting in an area I didn’t know was out of bounds.’ That’s all Mum needed to know. ‘I need to ring Calypso. And no, she’s not a new friend.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Far from it,’ I whispered, taking an apple and the phone.

  ‘Are you using the landline, Holly? You’re not out of credit again, are you?’

  ‘Calls to Melbourne gobble up the credit, Mum.’

  ‘Honestly, you and Calypso should get married.’

  ‘Mum, that’s off!’

  ‘Don’t be long. You know how your father loves to examine the phone bills.’

  ‘Why can’t he be glad that I finally have a friend? A real friend.’ The cleaning fumes on top of my empty tummy had made me cranky. ‘He was the one who dragged us here when he knew I was happy and settled in Melbourne.’

  ‘Of course your father’s pleased you have a friend. He’s relieved.’

  ‘Well, tell him not to nag about the phone bills then.’ I slammed the door of my bedroom. ‘Oooooooh,’ I moaned. I felt like I had little ants crawling inside my head. Furiously I rubbed at my hair to make them stop.

  Lots of things were making me cross this arvo. Like why hadn’t Calypso answered any of my texts, and how come she got the story with Sarah Finch so wrong?

  I dialled Calypso’s home number. I wasn’t going to try her mobile for the sixty-sixth time this afternoon. I did have some pride.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Is that Tiffany?’ Tiffany was Calypso’s painful little sister.

  ‘No, it’s Chazzy.’

  ‘Chazzy?’

  Chazzy, or Charlotte, was a girl from MLG. ‘Yeah. Who’s this?’

  ‘It’s Holly. Holly Hankinson. Remember me?’

  ‘Oh yeah. Hi, Holly.’

  ‘Is Calypso there?’

  ‘She’s out.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘She’s getting stuff for the party.’

  Suddenly the ants in my head stopped in their tracks. Calypso’s party. I had forgotten all about it.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ I faked. ‘That’s tonight, isn’t it?’

  ‘It’s going to be so great.’

  ‘What are you doing there?’

  ‘Helping.’

  ‘When will she be back?’ I asked. ‘I have to speak to her.’

  ‘Dunno,’ Chazzy sighed. ‘Soon.’ She paused. ‘Hey, are you coming to the party?’

  ‘I live in Sydney now.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘The party’s a come-as-your-dream-occupation party.’

  ‘Really?’

  Chazzy began to giggle. ‘Calypso’s going as Rachel Bilson. You know, from The OC. Like that’s her dream occupation – to be on TV, I mean.’

  ‘She looks a bit like her.’

  ‘So what’s it like living in Sydney?’

  ‘Look, Chazzy, I really need to speak to Calypso.’

  ‘Got it the first time,’ she groaned. ‘I’ll tell her, but I think she’ll be way too busy to call you back tonight.’

  Now the ants had turned into elephants. They were thumping and thundering through my brain. How come Calypso and Chazzy and whoever else got to have a great night? Actually it was even better than a great night for Calypso. It was her own party. Her own come-as-your-dream-occupation party and I SHOULD’VE BEEN THERE!

  Dear Me,

  I’ve got sinusitis and I feel like blugghhh. I can hardly breathe. I’m sure the stuff I cleaned the Science lab with has burnt the inside of my nose.

  I’m stuck at home. At least I’ve done heaps of my English and given myself a French manicure PLUS waxed my legs with Mum’s dodgy home-kit (hope she doesn’t notice!) and put on a face mask.

  Scott came over for a while but I didn’t feel like talking so he said I was boring and left. But a guy hanging around when you’re waxing your legs is YUCK!

  I know Holly and Calypso went to the same school and everything but I still can’t get over that Holly knows Calypso. That has completely blown me out. I haven’t mentioned it again to Scott. He figured out who Holly was when I introduced them at Spotti.

  I gotta admit I’ve been thinking about Calypso all day. Double now coz of the English assignment. It makes me feel yucky all that stuff with her. I don’t like remembering any of it.

  I’m sure Holly knows nothing about Scott. Holly probably just knows who Calypso is, like by sight and stuff. If I know Calypso then I know she wouldn’t touch someone like Holly with a ten foot pole. Unless of course she wanted something from her. Holly’s just not her type. She’s sweet. But she’s very intense. I guess Calypso ended up being pretty intense too. Maybe that’s an understatement.

  I worked it out in detention. Holly either stares at you, like seriously does not even blink, or she doesn’t even look at you. Nothing in between. She’s probably really shy. I’d hate to be a new girl but I’m NOT falling into that trap again, no way! Besides Saskia and Isabelle wouldn’t let me.

  Holly said she’s going to help me with my assignment but I reckon I’ll have it finished by tomorrow. Yee haa-aren’t I a good girl.

  Now if I could just get to Holly’s forehead. In detention I got close enough to see they’re just little break-outs-it’s just that there’s a ton of them. That’s why it looks so bad. Saskia reckons she wouldn’t be able to eat if Holly was around. She said she should be used in a Weight Watchers program. That’s pretty mean even if it is true.

  Saskia’s still spewing about her foundations smashing. ‘That idiot new girl should be paying me to replace them,’ she said a trillion times. I didn’t remind Saskia that she’d nicked four of them.

  Hi Me, I’m back again.

  You’d be proud of me. I’ve just finished my character profile. Two whole pages! I wonder if anyone in the class will recognise who my plain-dealing villain is.

  Sometimes it still feels like she’s following me. I’m never going to be rid of Calypso, am I? Is it coz of what I did?

  Good night

  Jess xxxxxxx

  From: holly_hank21@hotmail.com

  To: baby_cal666@hotmail.com

  Subject: Please explain!!!

  Calypso

  I had a really awful day yesterday and part of it was getting a detention for sitting out on the ledge outside the Science lab. And guess who I got it with? Jess! And she told me that Sarah Finch, the girl who broke both her arms, was NOT the stunt princess but a quiet girl in the year below. So how did you get your story so wrong??? You made me sound like a complete idiot!

  Anyway I spent the hour with Jess and she was actually quite nice and wants me to help her with our English assignment. So I guess if you’re doing a project with ‘the skankface’ then it’s okay for me to help ‘the liar’ with her thing too.

  By the way she asked if I knew you and I said yes.

  Well I hope your ‘come as your dream occupation’ party was fun. Chazzy told me all about it. Since when have you been friends with her?

  I stayed at home with Mum and watched a DVD. Don’t I have a fun life?

  Bye

  Holly

  From: baby_cal666@hotmail.com

  To: holly_hank21@hotmail.com

  Subject: RE: Please explain!!!


  Hol

  Why are you so hostile? It’s 2am and I can’t sleep coz your email’s really upset me. I’m so sorry about Sarah Finch. She fell the day after I left St Clemmie’s so I guess I didn’t hear the proper story.

  I don’t even know who Sarah Finch is! Someone told me it was some daredevil girl, that’s all I remember. I’m so so so sorry and I’m so sorry you got busted up there and got a detention.

  Please don’t say anything else to Jess. It’s too risky. We don’t want her getting suss. I don’t think you should help with her assignment either. My Biology project with Miranda is finished. Thank god! I seriously thought I was going to smack her.

  Don’t take any notice of what Chazzy said on the phone about my party. She was seriously so excited about it you woulda thought it was hers. Mum made me invite her coz she’s become besties with her mum.

  Yes, how embarrassing a ‘come as your dream occupation’ party! That was Mum’s idea too. I just dressed normally. Was Chazzy crapping on that I looked like Rachel Bilson? Everyone was!

  I couldn’t believe how many of the girls took the theme as an excuse to look like skanks. There were at least three policewomen and four nurses. Six of the guys turned up as tennis pros. They looked hot, though! But really it was NOT a big deal so don’t feel like you missed out.

  This is the week for some ‘planting’ experience Hol. I’ve had a really good idea. Start small. That way you won’t get scared. I promise.

  This is what I reckon. After school when they all go to the newsagency at the station, slip a few chocolate bars into Jess’s bag. Easy! No security tags, no shop detectives – easy peasy. Promise honey!!! Would I lie to you??

  Remember Lipstix has no security tags or anything so this is perfect training. I should’ve thought of it earlier instead of getting all complicated with that techno plan of mine. No wonder you were spun out!!!!!

  Soooooooo sorrrrrrrrrry.

  5 things to remember.

  1. don’t say any more to Jess

  2. don’t answer ANY questions about me

  3. don’t help her with her assignment

  4. slip choccies, lollies, tic tacs even, whatever into her bag

  5. and remember love ya, you’re my bestie

  Cxxxxxxxx

  Number 6. Forgot that one. Don’t believe ANYTHING Jess says about me.

  It was hard to stay mad with Calypso; even when she was being bossy and obsessing over her revenge plan and all the dumb details. And it was hard to stay mad with her even when she’d had a party without me.

  I crawled back into bed and finished reading Mum’s New Idea mag I’d pinched from her last night. Page seven had a story I was interested in: ‘The Downside of Being a Celebrity: our favourite stars reveal their secrets to long-distance relationships’.

  What all the stars said you needed in a long-distance relationship was ‘trust’. Trust was the only thing that made lengthy separations possible.

  I read the article three times ’cause they described exactly the same things Calypso and I had to deal with. Calypso was in Melbourne and I was in Sydney. I couldn’t see what she was doing 24-7 and she couldn’t see me either. Trust: that was all we had.

  I cut out the article and stuck it on some cardboard. The next time I was feeling pissed off with Calypso and thinking she was having a great time while I was stuck here doing her dirty work, I’d look at it. It would remind me what separated a real friendship from the plastic ones: trust. I propped the story next to the computer and immediately started to feel better. Besides, Calypso and I would have plenty more parties.

  All the way to school Dad prattled on about what a fantastic city Sydney was, blah, blah, blah, while I rehearsed my excuse for why I couldn’t help Jess with her assignment. ‘Jess, I can’t help you with your assignment as I have to help my father in his office every afternoon for the rest of the year.’

  No loopholes like ‘I’ll try’ or ‘Maybe I could help over the phone’.

  It had to be like this, now that there were rules to stick to. Even delivering the excuse was breaking one of them, as I wasn’t supposed to speak to Jess. Just one line could risk Jess responding with questions about Calypso, which was also against the rules. My excuse had to be brief and to the point.

  I thought about handing her a note, but that would’ve looked stupid. Also, Jess was pretty nice to me the day of the detention. Calypso reckoned she fakes sweet but I don’t think she was faking the other day. Not that I’d ever tell Calypso that. I felt guilty even thinking that way. Get a grip, Holly!

  ‘You see, that’s the thing that makes Sydney different.’ Dad was still on his craporama. ‘So I said to the old Sydney boss …’

  Of course, I realised. Ask Dad. He knows about excuses. He spends his life sacking whole companies then spinning them the reasons why.

  ‘Dad?’ I began. ‘If, if someone asked you to help them with something but you didn’t want to ’cause, just say, they weren’t a very nice person and you didn’t want to do have anything to do with them, then what would be a good way to tell them? Like, I mean, you don’t want to hurt their feelings.’

  ‘You know what I do in that situation, Holly?’ Dad’s forehead crinkled as he spoke. ‘I picture them doing something really terrible. Something I would absolutely hate. Like throwing cigarette butts out the car window.’

  ‘And that helps?’

  ‘Yep.’ Dad’s face broke into a grin. ‘Because by the time I go to speak to them I can’t stand the dirty, littering, stinking smoker.’

  ‘But just say they’re not a smoker?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he replied. ‘The visual image has already convinced me.’

  ‘So … you just make it up?’ I knew my dad was a freak but I didn’t realise until now just how serious his condition was.

  ‘It’s all up here.’ Dad pointed to his head.

  I folded my arms and stared out the window. I didn’t have to make it up. If I kept a picture of Scott and Jess in my head then that’d make it easier to deliver the excuse, and snub her for good.

  But when I got to English, Jess was already in the classroom. When she saw me she leapt out of her chair.

  ‘Holly!’ She was jumping up and down like she was about to wet her pants. ‘Guess what? I finished my assignment. Five days early too! Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done it if you hadn’t explained it to me. You made it so simple. Once I started writing I just couldn’t stop.’

  ‘Oh,’ I uttered. ‘Great.’

  ‘Sit here.’ She beckoned to the desk next to her.

  ‘Arrr …’ But before I could untie my tongue she’d pulled out the chair and pushed me into it. The next second Mrs Gideon walked into class.

  ‘Good morning, girls,’ she said. She went straight to the white board and wrote ‘Act Two’ in big letters. ‘Okay, we’re going to start our Monday with a bang.’ In silence she walked around the class, tapping the occasional desk with her knuckles. ‘What do we choose to believe? Have you ever thought of that? And …’ For a moment she paused at my desk. ‘What are ways we can ruin someone’s reputation? This is what Act Two is about. These are the questions we will ask ourselves. A very appropriate topic for a girls’ school, don’t you think?’

  As always, Gideon sat up on the desk and began to swing her legs while she allocated the roles for Act Two. Predictably, I was overlooked. Of course the golden girl was offered the big one.

  ‘Jess – Claudio?’

  ‘Um, Mrs Gideon,’ Jess started, ‘I have a really sore tooth. Can you give it to someone else?’ I caught Mrs Gideon raise her eyebrow at Jess. Quickly Jess looked away, and I heard her mumble, ‘I do.’

  So daddy dentist had even stuffed up on his daughter. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

  ‘Holly, have I given you a part?’

  Was I really that forgettable? I shook my head.

  ‘Okay. Will you do Act Two, Scene Two as Borachio?’

  ‘Yep.’

  Gideon then
lowered her voice, ‘Jess, I want you read Don John in this scene with Holly. It’s not a big role.’

  How appropriate. The villain played by Jess Flynn.

  Act Two, Scene One began. The girls performed it up the front of the classroom. It was quite fun. I actually had a few laughs, but I noticed Jess was silent, probably sulking because she didn’t get her own way.

  Mrs Gideon announced: ‘Act Two. Scene Two. Enter Don John and Borachio.’

  Jess and I went to the front to commence our parts.

  ‘It is so,’ Jess began. ‘The Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.’

  It started off okay.

  Borachio, that was me: ‘Yea, my lord, but I can cross it.’

  Then it started to go downhill, quickly, as Jess went on: ‘Any bar, any cross, any imped … impediment, will be med … med … medicinal to me. I am sick in displeasure to him …’

  Jess stopped and licked her lips a couple of times. No one made a sound. She wiped her hand across her mouth, and I heard her throat gulp.

  ‘And whatsoever comes ath, ath, athw, athw, athWART his affection …’ On and on she stumbled and stuttered, licked her lips and stuttered some more.

  It was unbearable. Jess was worse than hopeless. The scene dragged on and on and on. Again I experienced the incredible temptation of wanting to whack her across the back. Or perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on her. Anything to help those words out of her mouth.

  Of course any impression our act had made went straight out the window with the class’s attention span. All in all, it was an excruciatingly embarrassing experience. Another one I could have done without.

  ‘Great,’ said Gideon. ‘Let’s have a quick look at that scene again, shall we?’

  Great? Gideon was either the mistress of tact or a total suck-up.

  ‘It’s a nasty scene, isn’t it?’

  Zero class response.

  ‘I mean, aren’t Don John and Borachio awful characters?’ She was doing her best to win us back. ‘Holly, would you share your thoughts on the scene you just performed?’

  Ah, let’s see. Hopeless, embarrassing, loser for a fellow actor …