by Becky Cairns
I need familiarity. I want to go home. My body can’t take much more of this suffering.
Lost.
Alone.
Desolate.
Kill me now and get it over with! I don’t want to know the truth; I just want to go back to my life. Let all this be a nightmare and allow me to wake!
Exhausting myself with irritation takes what remaining energy I have left. Slowly my body becomes limp and my neck resists the weight of my head no more as it relaxes against the muscular shoulder of the sleeping man.
My troubled mind is laid to rest for the time being as it succumbs to the beckoning darkness.
Chapter Eleven
Blood.
Crimson blood slips through my fingers to form a puddle at my feet and my skin turns tacky from the sticky substance. The harsh red burns my eyes, imprinting the guilt, the loss, into my brain. The image will never leave me as long as I live.
But I don’t feel like I can carry on. My strength has been cruelly taken from me along with the life I grew to depend on. Love even. I’m consumed with so much intensity I can’t handle it. It is taking over me. I’m not “me” anymore. I don’t know who I am and the blood staining my hands confuses me further.
Where did it come from? How did it end up on me? Am I hurt? No. Then who is? So many questions with no answers. I’m stuck in a maze and every turn leads to a dead end. Then when I think I’ve found the exit route it turns out be a red herring which only forces me back to the start. I’m in an illusion I can’t get out of.
A drop of water.
Two drops.
Three drops.
Four and the rain comes crashing down, drenching me in a matter of seconds, but the blood remains.
I try scraping it away on the pavement, but it doesn’t budge. I try a bit harder but it only results in peeling the flesh off of my palm and my blood begins to mix into the unknown’s.
Anger courses through my body, but I’m at a loss as to what it is aimed at.
An ear-piercing scream, filled with pain and desperation, cries out into the chilled air like a wounded animal.
Can’t breathe.
Suffocating.
It feels like a part of my existence is missing. Something has been snatched from my life, but what I don’t know. All I can comprehend is that it is something of great importance. It’s something that has changed my life. Be it for the better I still can’t define.
I close my eyes.
The rain crashing down on the metal roof disturbs me from my slumber. Stray droplets trickle their way down my left breast, gliding along the soft curve of skin before soaking into the material of my top.
A nipping, scratching sensation alerts me to something at my feet. I shuffle away, but after a second it returns. There’s slight tugging at the bottom of my jeans and then whatever it is begins making its way up my trouser leg. I scream and kick, slamming the thing against the concrete floor, causing it to squeak out in pain before scuttling off.
A rat! Where the hell am I?
Gasping for breath, blood pumping on adrenaline and my mind in turmoil I only now come to realise how alone I am with my kidnapper nowhere to be heard. No longer am I resting comfortably against his solid warmth, but instead find myself lying flat on the cold ground.
Warmth.
Comfort.
I am beginning to forget what those two sensations feel like. They used to be a dominant aspect of my life. Now they are nothing more than a distant memory. This is not living. This is in a state of being.
My stomach grumbles. It feels like days since I last ate. I scrunch up into a ball as a sharp pain hits my insides. I try clutching my abdomen to ease the ache, but with my wrists tied makes this difficult to accomplish.
I want it to stop.
Everything to stop.
A distant clanging sound freezes me in place and then his voice floats through the air.
‘I still don’t think this is a good idea…yes I know, but why do you want me to do it?’ With this one sided conversation I can only presume he is talking to someone over the phone. ‘Why can’t you…okay, okay, I understand…Yes, yes, I know…I’ll do it, I said I would, but I still think I’m the wrong person to do it…I will, I gave you my word, but it won’t be a pleasure. Goodbye.’
I wonder what that was about. Who was on the other end of…?
My thoughts were interrupted at the sound of footsteps approaching. It’s him. I feign sleep hoping he will leave me alone.
‘You’re awake then.’
Silence.
‘Alex, I saw you move, there’s’ no point in pretending.’
I refuse to co-operate.
‘Fine, have it your way.’
A few heavy footfalls then rough hands grab me around my upper arms, hauling me into a sitting position against the wall.
‘There, that wasn’t so hard now was it? Here, eat this.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘You’ve been here almost two days, you must be hungry by now.’
Two days! Has it really been that long? Bloody hell!
‘I said I’m not hungry,’ but as those words pass by lips I get a whiff of onions and…something meaty. The smell gets my mouth watering and I find it difficult to deny the calling of my stomach.
I do not want to rely on this guy but I feel I have no choice in the matter. How else am I going to survive this? However, I still have enough fight in me to not give in totally.
Slowly I go to take a bite of his offering. Cheeseburger. One of the first things I smelt in this God forsaken place. The hunger juices beg for more.
I take another mouthful, then another and another, swallowing each piece as if it were my last. Then unawares, my brother’s smiling face appears at the forefront of my mind and I can’t take another bite. I feel sick.
I forcibly spit the chewed up burger at my feeder, disgust running through my veins.
What am I doing? I should be fighting this man, not succumbing to his wills!
‘That wasn’t very nice.’ His growl pierces the atmosphere and an unbidden shiver runs down my spine.
And before he can act I start blindly hitting him with my fists accompanied by some choice words.
‘I hate you, I hate you! You’re a rotten bastard! I hate you!’ The tears are building up behind the blindfold. ‘I-I hate y-you! You’ve ruined my l-life!’
He fumbles for my flaying hands.
‘I am your life. From now on I’m your food, your water and your shelter. You need me, do you understand?’
‘I don’t ne…’
‘Do you understand?’
Something in the tone of his voice makes me stop. It’s not just a demand, but a warning. I unwillingly submit and a ‘yes’ squeaks out.
‘Thank you,’ he sighs. ‘Like I’ve told you before, I’m not here to hurt you. God, that’s the last thing I wish to do. I’ve hurt too many people in my life already. I don’t want to add another to the list, especially you.’
I can’t speak. If I speak I will break down. When I break down I won’t be able to keep up this strong façade, though it is likely he can see right through it. I am no longer the woman I know and I hate it. Hate it! I hate myself for being in this position in the first place. What happened to “safe and stable”?
‘Alex.’ He caresses my name and I soften. There is tenderness. Why is it there?
I jerk my head backwards as I feel the tips of his fingers softly glide down my cheek. It unleashes a whole cascade of new emotions. What is this man doing to me?
I quiver inside and my stomach drops. However, it is an experience I want repeated again and again. A guy has never had this kind of effect on me, not even William and I’m engaged to him!
Arrrgggg!
The emotions unwillingly develop and I find my curiosity getting the better of me. I want to see him. No, I need to see him. I need to put a face to this torment. Maybe if I find him repulsive to look at it will dull these un
wanted urges.
Before I can think on my course of action I hear myself say ‘please’.
‘Please? Please what?’
‘Please can I see you?’
His breathing hitches and he draws his hand away. The warmth disappears with it. Why am I so disappointed in that?
‘Okay.’ One word with so many meanings. How does he do that?
He is a dangerous man, in more ways than the one.
There’s heat.
He’s close.
Leaning over me.
The cloth slackens around my eyes then vanishes altogether. I blink rapidly as the light stings my pupils and I find it difficult to see what’s right in front of me. Vision is blurred.
Then I see it - an outline of the man’s head and as my eyes begin to focus I discover more. His face is framed with wet, dirty blonde hair, droplets dripping from their tips. But as I draw my eyes towards his face I start, causing me to shuffle backwards in fear, almost colliding forcibly with the brick wall.
In the slither of light illuminating his face I find myself trapped in an intense pair of bottomless pools of silver-blue eyes. Their vibrancy is captivating. Stormy, yet with a softness hidden beneath and if you were just a casual observer you’d miss it. There’s fire and vulnerability, a dangerous combination. His eyes reveal so much depth, so many layers to this man, but it is all cowering away behind a shield. One I guess he very rarely lets down, if at all.
What I wouldn’t give to be the person to discover what lies beneath. My heart skips at the thought.
However, it’s not the emotions I see that shock me, but the familiarity. I have been caught in these eyes before not so long ago and they are having the same effect on me now as they did then.
‘It’s you,’ is all I can whisper.
Chapter Twelve
What is it with this guy?
First I spot him in the alleyway, and then he enters my friend’s flat and now this! Is he to continuously shadow my life? And how would he know anything about my brother’s death? How is he involved? Could he also be the…no, surely not! Then again…
‘Did you leave me a note?’
He just stares.
Gritting my teeth I ask again, but nothing, just the static stare.
‘For goodness sakes just answer me god dammit! Did you leave me…?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘Well I had to get your attention somehow.’
‘And you couldn’t have jumped straight to kidnapping me? Instead you thought torture was your better option? And there’s me thinking you were a clever man!’
‘Well I could hardly jump you in broad daylight now could I? One, I would have been seen and two, you were always around people. Plus I had to get you away from your darling fiancé. By placing a note on your desk I knew sooner or later you’d show it to him and it would cause a rift between you two. Seems my plan worked.’
‘And what would you have done if I didn’t show it to him. I could have kept it to myself. Let it be my guilty pleasure.’ Is it my imagination or did his eyes just darken at the last?
‘Sooner or later you would have done, it was only a matter of time. I was willing to wait.’
‘So how did you know I read it? Showed it to William? And why would you have thought it would cause a rift?’
‘Your friend, Zoe, kindly divulged your reason for being at her flat and I instinctively knew that your argument with lover-boy could have only been over one thing. In regards to your last question, something like that I knew would get his blood boiled.’ But how? How could he know?
‘And the text?’
‘Me. Another means of gaining your attention.’
‘Oh believe me, you gained it alright. Noon, night and day! It was all I could think about! If your reason was to scare me then, well, I can congratulate you on your success. You had me thoroughly scared, still do!’
‘I do not wish to scare you, not anymore at least.’
‘Unfortunately I do not have the pleasure of granting that wish, because every time I hear your voice, get a whiff of that tobacco/whiskey mix that always seems to linger on you and seeing you staring at me with such intensity, like you are now, it scares me shitless. I don’t know what to think, say, or do anymore! But what scares me the most are the conflicting emotions you seem to flare up inside. You…you are something different. I can’t explain. Zoe was right, you are dangerous.’
He frowns and a veil of sadness washes over him. The blue of his eyes turns grey. In the space of a second he goes from daunting beast to lost boy and my heartstrings are being tugged. I want to reach out and cup his cheek, but the cold mask swiftly returns bringing back his black heart.
‘She wasn’t exactly my type anyway. She’s too weak, too…normal.’
‘Then why did you sleep with her? Carry on seeing her?’
‘Well, after seeing you dressed in that little red number, swinging your hips to the thumping beat of the music, I needed an outlet for my frustration. I’ve never been so hard in my life. You were off limits, so I went to the next best thing. Plus she turned out to be a valuable source of information.’
‘God you’re crass! Womanising, crass bastard! How could you do that to her? How could you? And use her in such a way? What do you mean by “valuable source of information”?’
‘Ways and means, Alex. Ways and means.’
What is he going on about? Think Alex, use your brain! Why did he need Zoe to…oh, I see now. ‘What better way to gain information than through my best friend who knows absolutely everything about me. And here’s me beginning to think you actually had a heart. It appears my first instinct was correct.’
‘I’m not the man you think I am…’
‘You got that right! I have no idea who you are! You come crashing into my life, expecting me to trust you and saying you know the truth about my brother’s death! How do you even know Thomas? Your paths would never have crossed. You live different lives. You’re all dark and mysterious and slink around dirty alleys, whereas Thomas was all smiles and laughter and was always out there in the open. He had nothing to hide. You on the other hand….I can’t bear thinking what you could be hiding.’
‘Your brother and I have a lot more in common than you think.’
‘And what’s that supposed to mean? You are nothing alike! The only similarity is that you both have, or in his case had, blue eyes.’
‘I know what type of man your bother is.’
Is?
‘I know what type of man your fiancé is and believe me, they have less in common with each other. Your fiancé and I however are more alike than I care to have us be.’
What nonsense is he speaking now? I-I c-can’t think. Now I’m stuttering in my thoughts, can’t be a good sign.
‘Just stop, just stop!’ I say, scrunching my eyes tight and bringing my bound hands to my forehead. ‘I can’t take much more of this! Your words…they are niggling away at my brain, digging deeper and deeper until I lose all sense of control. I can’t think. I can’t think. I…you…them…I just…’ and the rest of the words escape me.
Everything he says, everything he does, just confuses me further. My mind is so jumbled with thoughts I do not know what to believe anymore. What is wrong and what is right? Who am I? Who is this man? Who was my brother? Who is my fiancé? Where do I belong? God! Will this nightmare never end?
A metallic click then a sizzling sound and I smell the unmistakable putrid flavour that burns from his cigarette. The odour grips me, drawing me in and I look up to see the embers glow around his soft lips. It’s a beacon of light in this almost pitch black place.
He’s gazing off into the distance affording me the opportunity to take in his profile. I am unable to define him clearly with this dim lighting, but from what I can see he has a strong jaw line - firm and purposeful. Looks I wouldn’t call handsome in the traditional sense, but he is handsome in his own rights, almost hauntingly so. The mysterious quality adds to his
dangerousness, but the vulnerability I detect underneath lends him a softer radiance. This man is an enigma.
His eyes unexpectedly turn back to mine, frown in place.
‘What?’ he asks after a pause.
Shaking my head out of my transfixed state I reply. ‘Sorry?’
‘You were staring at me.’
‘Was I?’
‘Yes. Why?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well you must have had a reason.’
He brings the burning cigarette up to his lips and inhales.
My eyes can’t help wandering to his fingers. The way they hold the vile object so delicately and meaningfully while simultaneously letting in dangle without a care in the world. A cigarette was made to fit those fingers.
‘There you go again.’
‘What?’
‘With the staring. What are you staring at?’
‘Your fingers,’ I say dreamily, not once taking my eyes away.
‘My fingers? Why?’
‘They’re quite slender for a man, but still masculine. They look like expert fingers.’ I wonder how expertly they could navigate themselves around my body….whoa! Where did that come from?
My eyes jerk up to his at the thought, pupils no doubt filling with desire. His darken in return and I see the flame of passion dancing inside.
‘What are you doing to me Mark?’ comes out as a breathy whisper.
‘What did you say?’ he snaps and the atmosphere drops.
Anger replaces desire and his lips are hard and pinched. His face is no longer soft in contemplation but stern in rage. This rapid change frightens me and I’m clueless how I caused it.
‘I-I said, wh-what are you d-doing t-to me?’
‘You said a name.’
‘Ma-Mark?’
‘Don’t ever say that name again.’ His face draws near as he towers over me, intimidating me.
I gulp.
Heart races.
Eyes flicker.
‘Wh-why?’
‘Just don’t.’
‘But Mark…’
‘Don’t call me that,’ he grinds through his teeth.